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I was so moved by the eloquence and class that you displayed tonight when you called me at my tech support job that I feel I just have to write you this letter.
First of all, let me reiterate once more how terribly sorry I am for all the horrible trials that you have been through as a much maligned customer of our unworthy satellite tv company. How awful it must have been for you to have to call us THREE times in a two month period! I understand the time you used to call us took you away from much more worthwhile tasks; if it hadn't been for our stunning incompetence I'm sure you would have had time to end global warming and engineer world peace while you were at it.
Also, I must take the time to apologize for my careless and uneducated assumption that the power surge you experienced directly before you lost the information on your guide channel had anything at all to do with your technical issues. I suppose I was looking at the scenario with what I foolishly call 'logic', wherein there is a 'cause' (your power surge) and then an 'effect' (loss of info in your guide). Clearly, I should have accepted your word that it was "just a tiny little surge that didn't do anything!" (except cause all your clocks to reset) and accepted that it was just our awful equipment that caused all your woes and your glads to turn to sads. I will now hang my head in shame at my presumption.
And please let me hasten to assure you that I do understand the great sacrifice you made in pressing the tiny red button on your receiver and how it stole an entire five minutes of your life while it finished resetting. No words can ever make it right, or give you back that precious gift of time wasted. And the vile disappointment when your guide was not instantly restored! It was with the deepest regret that I was forced to inform you that you may have to wait a full hour for this evening's programming titles to show up, and possibly...oh how can I even write the words - a full 12 to 24 hours for the next ten days of programming to load! A greater scoundrel has never walked this earth then me.
You made it very clear that the possibility of your tv shows not recording tomorrow would be a pain far too great to bear. Alas, it is not in my power to do more as I am a lowly minion. Otherwise, do believe, dear customer, that a chartered helicopter bearing a new receiver and a Mission Impossible style technician rappelling down the ladder to prevent another second of inconvenience to such a uncomplaining martyr as yourself would have been dispatched immediately and your sufferings would be at an end.
In closing, again I tender my most sincere apologies and deepest sorrow that my service to you these evening was so lacking.
Sincerely,
My Middle Finger
First of all, let me reiterate once more how terribly sorry I am for all the horrible trials that you have been through as a much maligned customer of our unworthy satellite tv company. How awful it must have been for you to have to call us THREE times in a two month period! I understand the time you used to call us took you away from much more worthwhile tasks; if it hadn't been for our stunning incompetence I'm sure you would have had time to end global warming and engineer world peace while you were at it.
Also, I must take the time to apologize for my careless and uneducated assumption that the power surge you experienced directly before you lost the information on your guide channel had anything at all to do with your technical issues. I suppose I was looking at the scenario with what I foolishly call 'logic', wherein there is a 'cause' (your power surge) and then an 'effect' (loss of info in your guide). Clearly, I should have accepted your word that it was "just a tiny little surge that didn't do anything!" (except cause all your clocks to reset) and accepted that it was just our awful equipment that caused all your woes and your glads to turn to sads. I will now hang my head in shame at my presumption.
And please let me hasten to assure you that I do understand the great sacrifice you made in pressing the tiny red button on your receiver and how it stole an entire five minutes of your life while it finished resetting. No words can ever make it right, or give you back that precious gift of time wasted. And the vile disappointment when your guide was not instantly restored! It was with the deepest regret that I was forced to inform you that you may have to wait a full hour for this evening's programming titles to show up, and possibly...oh how can I even write the words - a full 12 to 24 hours for the next ten days of programming to load! A greater scoundrel has never walked this earth then me.
You made it very clear that the possibility of your tv shows not recording tomorrow would be a pain far too great to bear. Alas, it is not in my power to do more as I am a lowly minion. Otherwise, do believe, dear customer, that a chartered helicopter bearing a new receiver and a Mission Impossible style technician rappelling down the ladder to prevent another second of inconvenience to such a uncomplaining martyr as yourself would have been dispatched immediately and your sufferings would be at an end.
In closing, again I tender my most sincere apologies and deepest sorrow that my service to you these evening was so lacking.
Sincerely,
My Middle Finger
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