don't want to be like my mom

[KellyHabersham]

*nothing in particular inspired this, just something that I've been feeling a lot lately and I'm not sure how to go about expressing it.

I suppose my question would be.......is there a tactful way to tell my mom that I feel like she wants/expects me to be just like her (or at least similar), and that is NOT what I want? Not that Mom is a horrible person or anything, but just to give a few examples of what I mean:

- she's always had a weight problem, gripes about it/realizes it affects health, but won't stick to a diet and work-out plan. Instead, Mom seems to prefer blaming everyone else for her inability to lose weight.

- my father died almost 30 years ago. Mom has never re-married or even tried to date, and because she's apparently fine with being single, she doesn't fully get why I might not want that.

- Mom really has no social life or activities outside of the house unless it involves church.......either Sunday mornings or committee meetings during the week. In the past, she's made several references to my being similar with this, which is not true, and it bothers me.

[csquared]

Maybe it is because tomorrow is 9/11 and it reminds me how fragile and fleeting life is, but my first thought is that life is too short to waist your time on that conversation.

Next time she tries to tell you that you are like her, give her a big hug, teller "I love you Mom, but I am me and you are you." Then break out into a chorus of I did it my way. I'm sure that will get her off the topic really quick.

[KellyHabersham]

I'm more familiar with the version by Sid Vicious, but that actually might get the point across.

Anyhow, to give an example of the sort of thing I was referring to........a few weeks ago, my daughter mentioned something about her boyfriend (and maybe his best friend) coming over on that Saturday, and my mom told her to not have them over before 11 am, because "Your mother and I like to have a relaxing, quiet Saturday morning".

Which I had a wee problem with, partly because her idea of "quiet and relaxing" is my version of "boring", and because I happen to like/get along with the two boys in question. (I'm not saying they have or need to be around all the time, but they are very much preferable to some of the other people my daughter hung around with)

[Pixilated]

Have to admit, I can see why you'd want to have that conversation, but I agree with csquared about life being too short.

Do you and your mom share a house? Just wondering in light of her comment to your daughter about "Your mom and I like to have a quiet Saturday morning." I would be tempted at that point to say something like, "No worries, Mom, (daughter & guys) and I will meet up at (some other place) around 9:30, 10, and then we'll come back here around 11 so you've had a chance to have your morning coffee." Said with a big smile, of course. If she questions you about it, you could say with some surprise that you have no problem with, once in a while, getting out and about earlier on Saturdays.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that you could make those differences clear in concrete ways, in what you actually do, rather than having some vague conversation that is not likely to actually clarify anything for her -- if my own mother is anything to go by.

[csquared]

My father had a tendency to tell you what other people's opinion was. "Your Mother won't like that..." kind of stuff. It was his way of passing the blame.

I can also see where the Saturday Morning thing may have been a way to "create a majority" over your daughter. "It is not just me. It is your Mom too." Another form of passing the blame.

She may not be tying to shape you. She may just be using you as an excuse. Which is just as annoying.

If you really want to be devious, tell your daughter to invite more friends over Saturday for breakfast. Say, 9:00 AM?

[KellyHabersham]

Yes, I do share a house with my mom........my daughter has always lived with her, but I had my own apartment for about ten years, and moved back in with them in early 2011.


And with that last example, I forgot to mention that part of the problem is that my mom kind of thinks it's "weird" that the two boys want to talk to/be around me. (again though, this is the first time that Heather's had male friends or boyfriends who really socialized with the rest of the family)