I'm still a jerk.
SC: "Oh, hi, I had a question about my cell phone."
Me: "I think you may have the wrong number, this is <company name>"
SC: "This isn't Cricket?"
Me: "No, this isn't Cricket."
SC: "Oh, uh…can I ask you a question?"
SC: "Does my warranty on my phone get me a new one? Mine broke."
I admire blind perseverance, but let us back up a few steps here. Now, what did I just tell you? You remember: That thing about me not being your cell phone company. Yeah, that. Do you remember that? Yes, well, lets take a moment to dwell on that shall we. Throw on your leotards, pull out a gym mat and lets meditate on the glimmering pearl of wisdom I revealed to you. Pick a mantra to use if you have too. I personally suggest "I will not ask blindly retarded questions anymore" or "I clearly am a fool and I will strive to do better or at the very least throw myself into traffic to spare the world my presence.". That second one may be a bit too advanced for you but with a little confidence, determination and most importantly, four lanes of busy traffic, I'm sure you can succeed.
3 Step Program
SC: "Is blah blah there?"
Me: "No, sorry, she's not. You can try calling back during business hours to reach her."
SC: "Oh, well she gave me her card."
She did, did she? Did she write "Call me anytime, its not like I sleep" on it? Does it have "24 Hour Moron Assistance Hotline" on it anywhere? No? Well, then I have a suggestion: Put the phone down, get bent, then go to bed. Its an easy 3 step program that should relieve you (well, me) of all of your (my) problems. In fact I suggest you repeat the program every time you touch the telephone.
Me: "Have you ever been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder? "
SC: "Not that I know of."
…not that you know of? I don't know who your doctor is but you might want to check his credentials. What does he do, examine you then make you guess what the problem is? Has he told you anything yet? No? Ok, I have a suggestion. In fact, I have a list! So go, get a piece of paper and a pen (Crayon is, as always, acceptable if that’s all you have on hand). I'm going to give you a list of things to bounce off of him, I bet one of them is the right answer.
Ready? Ok, here we go: "Slack jawed", "Mouth breathing", "Dimwitted", "Abnormally thick cranium", "Intellectual capacity of damp whole wheat bread", "Probable missing link between ape and man", hmm, ok this is more then just a simple list. You might want to go get some more paper. Some sort of work book or a pack of loose leaf should do it. It's ok, I can wait.
Ahh…lets see. Its 11:15pm here, so that makes it 2:15am there…..obviously this is THE best time to call with questions about your warranty! What the Hell! When I wake up at 2:15am I typically just get a glass of water then go back to bed. Never has the thought "Oh hey, I wonder how long the warranty on my roof lasts?" struck me at that time in the morning. I'm confused and, admittedly, slightly annoyed that it not only struck you but you somehow decided this would be a glorious time to act upon the impulse.
Do us both a favour: next time, just write yourself a note ( As always, crayon is acceptable ) and go back to bed.
PS. I hope your roof leaks. But I hope it leaks around 3 in the afternoon so I don't have to take the call when it does.
PPS. My apologies to the operator who does.
Me: "He's not in till 8am"
SC: "What time is it there?"
Me: "10 to 7"
SC: "Oh wow, you're in early!"
Ha ha, yes. Yes I am. Please find some way to be stripped naked and chased around a shopping mall by an amorous camel while your friends and family look on and laugh. It may take some work on your part, but you can do it. I know you can.
( Guy gives me the address of the store he's at. It comes up as Dallas. )
Me: "That's in Dallas, right?"
Me: "Are you in Dallas?"
Oh come on. You should at LEAST know what city your in. Hell, *I* know what city your in. How come you don't? I've never even been to Dallas but I know that’s where you live. You're suppose to be the expert here. You're the one on scene. You're the man on the street so to speak. You have hands on, in your face experience about the location in question. I, on the other hand, can only picture it in my mind from afar while tragically wishing I to could be there and bask in the dimly lit glory that is your brilliance. Oh, if only I could. I'd better bring a penlight though, I doubt I could even read by the wattage your brain gives off. You remember reading right? That really difficult thing you do while staring at the menu at McDonalds? No, not count, the other one. Yeah, that one.
"I wanna order a cap!~"
Good for you. Just one? Yes? Despite the fact the shipping costs about as much as the cap itself? Alright then! You just bought a baseball cap for $82.
You are an idiot.
The fact you are near to and can operate a telephone frightens and worries me.
However, you probably view that fact as some sort of lifetime accomplishment. First the TV, then the telephone, then what? The microwave? Slow down, young padawan. That's a hell of a lot of buttons to be tackling at the same time. Best just start with one or two and work your way up. So for now just put stuff in the microwave and hit "Popcorn". That should do you for a couple of months. Then we can move on to "Defrost".
Work week half over....