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Story the First
This time of year obviously we're getting a LOT of returns and exchanges, because buying clothes as gifts is a tricky thing to get right. Sizes and styles can be hard to pick. We get it. We're used to it.
In order to process your exchange, I need three things from you. I need the thing you don't want, the thing you DO want, and your receipt. That's it. Honestly. I promise, I don't need anything else.
And you needn't feel like you have to justify your return or exchange either, because I just don't care. I don't need to know the back story behind the purchase and subsequent return dating back to 1967. I don't need your excuses, your explanations, or your justifications. You are not on trial here. We don't care enough to put you on trial. Hell, we barely care enough to BE here. Furthermore, the longer you blah blah blah at me, the longer my line is getting. So you're not just pissing ME off, you're pissing EVERYONE ELSE off, which pisses me off more because they are GOING to take it out on me.
So. Repeat after me. Thing you don't want. Thing you DO want. Receipt. Got it? Good. Get out.
Story the Second
My policy, let me show you it.
If the thing you are returning is the SAME as the thing you are replacing it with, then the discount you got on the original purchase will apply to the second transaction. For example, the shirt you bought for hubby went down a treat, but it's a smidge too tight. You want the same shirt, just a size bigger. And it was 30% off when you bought it? Congratulations, for you today, it's 30% off! It's an even exchange.
Compare with this situation. You don't want the sweatshirt. You'd rather have pants. These things are NOT the same. Therefore, because it's NOT an even exchange, we return the sweatshirt, and however much you paid for it, will be applied to today's purchase.
Lady, this is not NASA level algebra. You paid $25 for the sweatshirt. You don't want it. Fine. So you're $25 in credit with us now. You want the pants? They were originally $79.99, but today's sale, brings them down to $48.99. Basic math dictates that you now owe me $23.99 to complete the transaction.
No, I'm not pulling a fast one on you. No, I'm not cheating you. Yes, I AM right. You're not getting an $80 pair of pants in exchange for a crappy $25 sweatshirt. Nice try, but no. This is how it is, and if you don't like it, then take your sweatshirt and fuck off home. I've explained this literally four times, and the line isn't getting any shorter.
Oh, no you did NOT just get in line again and have my coworker explain it to you a fifth time. GET OUT.
Story the Third
Buddy, there's a lot of things computers can do. But clairvoyance just isn't in their wheelhouse - or ours. I get that someone bought you a crappy gift and you want to exchange it, but without SOMETHING to go on, we just can't let you pick out something else. We've got no proof the thing was purchased legitimately, for a start. Not that we're accusing you, but these policies are in place so people can't just saunter in, grab a shirt off the rack, then tell me they don't like it and want store credit for it.
There is no shame in not having the receipt, especially since the crappy gift in question was a gift. But you have to give me SOMETHING. Who bought it for you? What is their phone number? (We have a store loyalty card that can be looked up by phone number, which solves the problem in maybe 85% of cases like these.) What DATE was it bought? (We can often track a transaction by item number if we have a time frame to work with.)
I'm sure if you actually thought about it, you could have worked with us to look up the transaction and find the proof of purchase. We're happy to reprint receipts when stuff like this happens. Nobody said no to you - they said that it could be done if you could offer us something to look under. But you didn't even TRY. You just literally jump-shotted the fucking thing into our trash and stormed out, like WE were the assholes.
Nice maturity, asshole.
This time of year obviously we're getting a LOT of returns and exchanges, because buying clothes as gifts is a tricky thing to get right. Sizes and styles can be hard to pick. We get it. We're used to it.
In order to process your exchange, I need three things from you. I need the thing you don't want, the thing you DO want, and your receipt. That's it. Honestly. I promise, I don't need anything else.
And you needn't feel like you have to justify your return or exchange either, because I just don't care. I don't need to know the back story behind the purchase and subsequent return dating back to 1967. I don't need your excuses, your explanations, or your justifications. You are not on trial here. We don't care enough to put you on trial. Hell, we barely care enough to BE here. Furthermore, the longer you blah blah blah at me, the longer my line is getting. So you're not just pissing ME off, you're pissing EVERYONE ELSE off, which pisses me off more because they are GOING to take it out on me.
So. Repeat after me. Thing you don't want. Thing you DO want. Receipt. Got it? Good. Get out.
Story the Second
My policy, let me show you it.
If the thing you are returning is the SAME as the thing you are replacing it with, then the discount you got on the original purchase will apply to the second transaction. For example, the shirt you bought for hubby went down a treat, but it's a smidge too tight. You want the same shirt, just a size bigger. And it was 30% off when you bought it? Congratulations, for you today, it's 30% off! It's an even exchange.
Compare with this situation. You don't want the sweatshirt. You'd rather have pants. These things are NOT the same. Therefore, because it's NOT an even exchange, we return the sweatshirt, and however much you paid for it, will be applied to today's purchase.
Lady, this is not NASA level algebra. You paid $25 for the sweatshirt. You don't want it. Fine. So you're $25 in credit with us now. You want the pants? They were originally $79.99, but today's sale, brings them down to $48.99. Basic math dictates that you now owe me $23.99 to complete the transaction.
No, I'm not pulling a fast one on you. No, I'm not cheating you. Yes, I AM right. You're not getting an $80 pair of pants in exchange for a crappy $25 sweatshirt. Nice try, but no. This is how it is, and if you don't like it, then take your sweatshirt and fuck off home. I've explained this literally four times, and the line isn't getting any shorter.
Oh, no you did NOT just get in line again and have my coworker explain it to you a fifth time. GET OUT.
Story the Third
Buddy, there's a lot of things computers can do. But clairvoyance just isn't in their wheelhouse - or ours. I get that someone bought you a crappy gift and you want to exchange it, but without SOMETHING to go on, we just can't let you pick out something else. We've got no proof the thing was purchased legitimately, for a start. Not that we're accusing you, but these policies are in place so people can't just saunter in, grab a shirt off the rack, then tell me they don't like it and want store credit for it.
There is no shame in not having the receipt, especially since the crappy gift in question was a gift. But you have to give me SOMETHING. Who bought it for you? What is their phone number? (We have a store loyalty card that can be looked up by phone number, which solves the problem in maybe 85% of cases like these.) What DATE was it bought? (We can often track a transaction by item number if we have a time frame to work with.)
I'm sure if you actually thought about it, you could have worked with us to look up the transaction and find the proof of purchase. We're happy to reprint receipts when stuff like this happens. Nobody said no to you - they said that it could be done if you could offer us something to look under. But you didn't even TRY. You just literally jump-shotted the fucking thing into our trash and stormed out, like WE were the assholes.
Nice maturity, asshole.
Very nice turn of phrase.
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