How to help a friend?

[Fudgethatkay]

We have a new roommate who is going through a lot of crap with his gf

She got pregnant, conceived around mid-October, and her parents keep trying to set her up for abortions. (She is 19, 20 in July)
By the state of California, I am pretty sure its illegal how her parents keep setting up appointments for her when she is claiming it is without her consent. Both of their families, are heavily pushing for one but she decided a few weeks ago that wasn't her choice she would make, and decided to keep it and raise it despite her lack of support.

Since she about four months along (if I don't suck at math), I don't know why or how her family is able to keep on doing this since she is of legal age, mentally, healthily, emotionally sound, etc.

She has to resort to hiding out at my place since she feels threatened by her father's pressure, and all of us who know are at a loss.

Whether or not one is pro-life/pro-choice isn't important, so that fratching topic isn't needed, I just would like some guidance in the right direction to help them. If anyone can give good links, info, etc., I'd really appreciate it.

[Kheldarson]

I'm pretty sure it's illegal too.

As to help, go to the local Catholic diocese. They should have a list of available charities for times like this, I know mine does. I think the biggest one is the Gabriel ministry here. They help with cribs, mattresses, etc. And don't forget state help (WIC and the like) to help with making ends meet.

[Fudgethatkay]

The new roommate sleeps on our couch in the living room...so room for the child will be an issue.....but I will go to the Catholic diocese. The roommate also doesn't have a support system from his side of the family since his "mother" despises him and bullies her husband into cutting off support...but that's another story

[Kheldarson]

As to room, as a temporary measure, a Pack 'n' Play can double as a crib. They take up less space and have a changing table feature usually. The gf might also look at bed sharing. I will not recommend it, although it worked for us until we were able to move into a bigger place: she should do the research and make a very informed decision.

After that, besides not being able to stockpile diapers and wipes, babies don't take up that much space for many months.

[Barracuda]

There are shelters and programs for single moms and their babies. I would look into them. And as for the parents, legally they get no say. Even if she was a minor, I believe this is still her choice legally.

[Seshat]

Hell, babies can sleep in a suitably padded drawer! Apparently I did for a while. Certainly my niece slept in a crib/playpen when she was at my place, for a long time.


As for roomie and gf staying at your place after the baby is born: that would have to be a household-wide decision. Babies are needy, messy, and noisy, and that doesn't change until they develop enough independance to fulfil some of their own needs. Then they're just messy, noisy, somewhat-less-needy, and capable of being demanding.
Yes, there are plenty of good sides to having a baby around. There are plenty of good sides to having a litter of puppies hanging around too! But I, personally, would prefer the puppies.


Anyway, here's my list.

* Prenatal support group, preferably led by a midwife or equivalent.
* Access to both a midwife and an obstetrician.
* POST-natal support group, preferably led by a midwife or pediatric nurse.
* Pediatric care team (nurse, doctor, etc), or a family doctor experienced with children.
* Charity assistance for ongoing support - not just cribs and blankets and diapers for now, but she's going to be a parent for 18 years; longer if the kid becomes disabled any time between four months ago and her death.
* Big Brother/Big Sister program; to give the kid extended-family which her own family is not providing.
* If there's some sort of 'adoptive grandparent' program in your area, get the family onto that as well.
* other things I haven't thought of right now.


And for all of these, all you can do is suggest, offer, provide contact details for, and offer to make the initial calls yourself. If they don't follow up, you can't force them to it.

Lead these two to water. You can't make them drink it, but if the water is there, it'll help them a lot.

[mjr]

We have a new roommate who is going through a lot of crap with his gf

She got pregnant, conceived around mid-October, and her parents keep trying to set her up for abortions. (She is 19, 20 in July)
By the state of California, I am pretty sure its illegal how her parents keep setting up appointments for her when she is claiming it is without her consent. Both of their families, are heavily pushing for one but she decided a few weeks ago that wasn't her choice she would make, and decided to keep it and raise it despite her lack of support.

Since she about four months along (if I don't suck at math), I don't know why or how her family is able to keep on doing this since she is of legal age, mentally, healthily, emotionally sound, etc.

She has to resort to hiding out at my place since she feels threatened by her father's pressure, and all of us who know are at a loss.

Whether or not one is pro-life/pro-choice isn't important, so that fratching topic isn't needed, I just would like some guidance in the right direction to help them. If anyone can give good links, info, etc., I'd really appreciate it.

I would tend to agree with previous posters. I don't see how the girls parents have a legal right to set her up for any sort of doctors appointment without her permission. If she's a legal adult, that's her business, and no one else's, without permission.

Additionally, I'd be curious if this is costing the girl anything (other than stress and time). In some cases, if you set up an appointment and then cancel at the last minute or don't show up, the doctor will charge you a small fee.

Is there a legal cutoff? Someone said earlier that 20 weeks would be the cutoff (which I believe is around the 5-month mark). If that's the case, then she wouldn't have to worry about it after that.

How involved is the father of this baby going to be? What does he think of this whole thing?

If she's afraid of her parents, is there a woman's shelter she could stay at temporarily? Do you have accommodations for her? If things get bad enough, does she have the wherewithal to file a restraining order?

[42_42_42]

She needs to be getting prenatal medical care as well.

[cindybubbles]

May I ask why both families are pushing for an abortion?

[cleorose]

Abortions cutoff is usually around 16 weeks. Right before the baby starts to develop a sex. Sex develops around 18-20 weeks.

Where to Start
Medical - Most states allow free health coverage for pregnant women. Indiana, Kansas, Illinois I know for sure since I have lived in those states. Other states I would assume have similar programs.

WIC- If she is pregnant she can take a note from her dr stating her pregnancy and get WIC. Its got a high income level and will help with Formula which is crazy expensive, baby food and cereal as well as food for mom while she is pregnant and if she breastfeeds.

Welfare - If she is under employed being pregnant she will qualify for a lot of different programs. Not just the usual cash and food stamps. Indiana had a wellness program where we got visits from a social worker who provided emotional support and knowledge about the pregnancy and helped with milestones once the baby was born. It was a great program. I learned a great deal and I was not a single mom. I was married but we were young.

Start looking at freecycle now for cribs and baby stuff and watch for the summer. If you live near a miltary base you can find baby kid stuff more readily.

Baby months are March and September. Thats when the vast majority goes on sale in the stores. September is the best but obviously that might be a little too late.

Start watching diaper sales now. If you watch sales with coupons you can get packs of diapers for as low as 3 dollars a pack. March is usually when diapers hit their lowest price point and have the best coupons. For the last two of three years I have bought 200+ packs of diapers at 1.50 a pack and sold them for $5 a pack in the summer at a garage sale. You will need roughly a pack a week for a newborn.

Its like 5 Size 1
10 -15 size 2
20 -30 size 3
10-20 size 4

Save your receipts. If you have a size that your baby outgrows they will 9 times out of 10 do an exchange especially if its an even exchange.

You should not take aspirin while pregnant ever. It causes a condition called Reyes syndrome in babies. Always take ibuprofen and o tylenol.

The playpen is a good idea if you are on limited space but you can also get a travel crib which is smaller than a standard crib and more comfortable for a child. You can also get a bassinet which is cheaper than a crib and will hold most infants til they are 3-4 months at least. And you can get one for around $40 which is comparable to the playpen.

Changing tables are nice. But not necessary. We had a changing pad because honestly I just dropped and changed the kid wherever I was at. I didnt like going into another room. And I had boys. Who PEED every time I opened their diaper. So that meant their changing pad and cover got nasty which meant they had to be washed. Took about 6 months for that novelty to wear off. And the 2nd and 3rd never saw a changing table really.

If you have boys be aware they pee when the air hits their little winkies. Never fails. Mine were notorious for peeing upward and on their own faces. Funny story but not a fun clean up.

Baby monitors are nice if you don't have neighbors with kids.

As for her parents she can file a restraining order against them. WHat they are doing constitutes harassment as well as Identity theft. If She gets any bills from the drs she needs to send them to the parents however its in her interest to start a paper trail now. Send letters to the abortion clinics and drs that they only person authorized to call and make her appointments is herself.

[Fudgethatkay]

May I ask why both families are pushing for an abortion?

Because for the girl, her family thinks she can't handle it and don't want to help her at all

For my friend, its mostly his mother and grandmother, but they are involving everyone. He is adopted and half his family is rather horrid to him and make it clear he wasn't really wanted. His dad tries to help but then mother dear bullies him and makes him choose sides and holds it over his head.

Yeahhhh...his mother is just a cruel mean person. She enjoys pushing him for things that hurt him and has degraded him constantly since it was found out.






My friend intends on staying there for the child and supporting it, if its for sure its his (we are sure of now but at first were not...)
He is aware things may not last with the mother but still wants to be a good support system

[cindybubbles]

Because for the girl, her family thinks she can't handle it and don't want to help her at all

For my friend, its mostly his mother and grandmother, but they are involving everyone. He is adopted and half his family is rather horrid to him and make it clear he wasn't really wanted. His dad tries to help but then mother dear bullies him and makes him choose sides and holds it over his head.

Yeahhhh...his mother is just a cruel mean person. She enjoys pushing him for things that hurt him and has degraded him constantly since it was found out.






My friend intends on staying there for the child and supporting it, if its for sure its his (we are sure of now but at first were not...)
He is aware things may not last with the mother but still wants to be a good support system

Why didn't they push for adoption, then, if they didn't want the couple to keep it?

[Fudgethatkay]

Why didn't they push for adoption, then, if they didn't want the couple to keep it?

That I don't understand, they just are heavily pushing for abortion. And when that was refused, my friend was encouraged to dump her too.

....nice people

[Kheldarson]

Why didn't they push for adoption, then, if they didn't want the couple to keep it?

I'd guess so they wouldn't have to support her through her pregnancy at all.