How to handle this the right way?

[Fudgethatkay]

My brother is getting married. I generally like the bride, even if she can be a bit dramatic.

Today we went wedding and bridesmaid dress shopping. The wedding is a year away, so smart planning on her part.
We found the perfect bridal dress (I made sure not to take any pics of it)
And the perfect bridesmaid dress pics


I asked permission to post the pic of me in the bridesmaid dress as long as the bride's dress wasn't revealed in anyway. I do remember her saying yes, so we take it and I post it a few hours later.

I get messages and texts from her saying how she is upset that I did that and how she wanted it ALL a surprise until wedding day.

I texted her back, apologized profusely and explained I truly thought she said yes it was okay. She replied how she asked another bridesmaid to back her up saying she said no, but ignores me calling and makes my brother answer it. I deleted it and tried to do some damage control but she isn't responding.


I can't help but feel two things.
1. That I will be kicked from the wedding party for this
and 2. That this is one of the stupidest things to get upset over. I never heard of people getting upset over the mere bridesmaid dresses not being a surprise. The's bride's gown? Sure. I am ALWAYS extra careful with that. I'm not an asshole.

But the thing is, there is already a lot of strain between her and our father, and her and my brother's aunt (he is my half-brother)

...I really think this is an immature thing to get upset over, wedding-party wise. I'm in my early 20's, though, so not the best judge of maturity...but she also mid-to-late 30's...

I understand if I misheard and that I could be in the wrong for that alone, but I really want to fix this with the least drama. Help.

[AnaKhouri]

You apologized and explained there was a misunderstanding. I don't see what else you can do.

If your brother has a spine he'll stand up to her, if she wants to kick you out over such a trivial thing. If you are ejected, count yourself lucky because she sounds like a proto-bridezilla.

[MoonCat]

She sounds like a total drama queen. You might want to have a quiet talk with your brother, ALONE, no bride there; explain that you really thought it was okay with her, you apologized, and while you understand about all this, it's still just a dress, and you'd really like it if everybody involved could step back a little and chill, because you'd like to be on good terms with your new sister-in-law. It's not worth a big family feud and hopefully she'll see that.

And frankly I don't get the whole "big secret" thing about the bride's dress anyway. Let's face it: SOMEBODY, somewhere, will also be wearing the same dress. Hundreds of people will have seen the dress in the store; it's not like it's a design that no one has ever seen before anywhere.

The point of all this should be marrying your beloved, not having the best pageant money can buy. But I wouldn't say any of that to her face even if you agree

[Seshat]

I have a policy regarding mistakes I've made:

Apologise.
Make things right if at all possible.
Come up with a way to prevent a repetition if at all possible.
Move on.

Also, see my sig: even if you're in the right, it can be worth apologising and acting as if you'd made a mistake. If that's what's going to get you the result you want, and the result is more important to you than being seen to be right, go ahead and apologise.

In this case, you want to smooth things over - so yeah, if it were me, I'd apologise.

Making things right: Not so easy. I assume you've already taken down the pic; I think that's about all you can do. Maybe make a public statement on your page that the pic was put up in error, and the bride wishes the details of the wedding to be secret.

Ask if that would be suitable, she might not want that much attention drawn to the wedding details.


For preventing future incidents:

Make wedding planning conversations in email. Not all of them, but certainly any where you're acting on things. Say, if you're in charge of buying the napkins/table ornaments/whatever, and you've had a planning meeting, then in the evening after the meeting, you email her and say 'just to verify, you've asked me to buy napkins in style blah, and table ornaments in antiqued bronze with a gumleaf motif, and ...'

Similarly, if you want to put up pics of anything (you probably don't, after this), email or text for permission.

And keep the emails/texts!

It's never nice to have to say 'but that's what you said'; but at least if you have a record that it is, indeed, what she said ... well, she can still blame you, but everyone will know the blame is unjustified. Including her.

And since she knows the record is there, she's less likely to make you the scapegoat.


Good luck.