Am I Being Unreasonable?

[Shangri-laschild]

I currently live with a guy that I am completely platonic with. We've been living together for 5 or 6 years now and things were made very clear from the start. He has parties sometimes where it's mostly guys over and alcohol is involved to the point of people sometimes crashing over. My bathroom is the one in the hallway so mine also often doubles as the guest bathroom and none of the rooms have locks on them. Honestly, I've never had a problem. But then again I also have known him for almost ten years now. He's respectful and even his friends who don't like me are polite and friendly.

That being said, I don't think I could ever move in with a guy I didn't know. Granted I'm very very picky about who I'm willing to live with but still, I would see it as a safety issue. Hell, my best friend would throw a fit if he heard about me doing something like that even if I had run background checks.

I would say be careful about how you approach this with her. Offering to do the background checks for her might not be a bad idea if it's feasible or if you can talk her into doing it herself. I've been lucky so far in that no guys have thrown a fit about me living with a guy and his new girlfriend hasn't raised a fuss about me. I can see how it could make people uncomfortable but for me personally, I would be pissed if ever told that it wasn't ok. I do understand that you aren't forbidding it or anything, just something to keep in mind as this progresses that that could make things rough. I can see why the situation would make you nervous though and you wanting her to be safe isn't a bad thing. Maybe look around online for ideas on good ways to do checks on people as like you said, personal references might not mean anything. References from past landlords/roommates might not be horrible though.

[taxguykarl]

I agree with background checks. I also agree that women can be more damaging--if not her than her 'friends'.

[Greenday]

She sent me a text today asking if some guy she knows from law school could rent the other room. I figure since it's someone who she already knows (Plus he's engaged) I have no problem with that.

[Sapphire Silk]

It's based on experience. She freezes up when it comes to men. Not women.

Not freezing won't keep her ass from getting kicked if she gets in the wrong situation. Just sayin'.

She sent me a text today asking if some guy she knows from law school could rent the other room. I figure since it's someone who she already knows (Plus he's engaged) I have no problem with that.

This sounds more promising. At the very least, if he screws her financially she can get him back. A complaint about ethics could keep him from getting licensed.

[Jester]

Having such thoughts is not unreasonable.
Voicing such thoughts is not unreasonable.
Telling her what she can or can't do due to such thoughts would be unreasonable, although you've said you have not done so.

You've expressed your concerns to her. She's heard them. In the end, though, she is an adult, and can and will do what she chooses to do. You may or may not like her choice(s). How you react to them will determine whether or not you are reasonable.

For the record, I've had great and horrible roommates or both genders. Three worst roommates were female (AZ), male (KW, old place), and female (KW, current place). My best male roommates I would trust implicitly with the safety and well-being of my girlfriends and my nieces. And that says a lot for them.

In the end, no matter that her parents are paying for everything, it's her home and her living arrangement, and so it's going to be her choice(s).

[Greenday]

She said the guy is in a situation where he rushed into buying a place with his girlfriend, then they broke up or something and now he's paying more than he can afford on his mortgage. We'll see if he actually sells the place and takes her spare room.

[minchazo]

I've tried writing this 3 times and found out... I suck at writing advice. After re-reading and re-writing, I *still* sound like a uptight prude accusing you of sexism. I hope you realize that isn't my intent!

Assuming your major concern is the *impropriety* of the situation:
Would your fiance be comfortable with the roles reversed (i.e. *your* roommate was female)?

My wife and I had this discussion when I was considering moving in with a female roommate. She was uncomfortable with it and I found that I was uncomfortable with the role-reversal, so I looked elsewhere for rooming. If this role-reversal would make your fiance uncomfortable, yet she won't change her actions, she's inconsiderate.

If your fiance is fine with the role-reversal, I think you will need to reconsider your way of thinking. Similar situations WILL crop up in the future and you have no right to say what she can or can't do, especially once you're married.

On the other hand, if you major concern is her safety? Everyone else has already given better advice!

[Greenday]

I have absolutely no fear of my fiance cheating on me. That won't happen. I just worry about her safety.

[snugglegirl05]

I've tried writing this 3 times and found out... I suck at writing advice. After re-reading and re-writing, I *still* sound like a uptight prude accusing you of sexism. I hope you realize that isn't my intent!

Assuming your major concern is the *impropriety* of the situation:
Would your fiance be comfortable with the roles reversed (i.e. *your* roommate was female)?

My wife and I had this discussion when I was considering moving in with a female roommate. She was uncomfortable with it and I found that I was uncomfortable with the role-reversal, so I looked elsewhere for rooming. If this role-reversal would make your fiance uncomfortable, yet she won't change her actions, she's inconsiderate.

If your fiance is fine with the role-reversal, I think you will need to reconsider your way of thinking. Similar situations WILL crop up in the future and you have no right to say what she can or can't do, especially once you're married.

On the other hand, if you major concern is her safety? Everyone else has already given better advice!

And if your fiance is fine with the role-reversal, how would that affect your relationship with her?

[snugglegirl05]

This type of living arrangement is not for me.