This will all sound like a lot of self-indulgent whining, so fair warning.
Okay, here goes. I am in a bad place mentally right now. I feel like an overstimulated child, dealing with too much coming from too many directions all at the same time.
Firstly, my partner and I had a huge fight back in April over everything that was, is, and ever has been wrong in our relationship, and for a while afterward things got much better. Then I did something that made him suspicious, and though he says we're over that setback I don't feel it and I don't feel as close to him as we were before.
Secondly, part of that big fight was the fact that he's basically supporting me while I go to school. I need to contribute to the household and put some hard evidence -- some cash -- into things as proof I'm invested in this. I had to get another job. I did. It's thrown me into the drowning pool. I got a job doing the night audit at a hotel four nights a week, figuring I could draw on my previous hotel experience.
It's not working. I'm no longer cut out for customer service. The thought of going to work fills me with dread, and I go around at work hunched over like I'm waiting to be whipped. It didn't help that on my second night there a guest threw his keys in my face and berated me. Now I assume they're all like that, and I have to battle the fight-or-flight reaction to every single phone call and guest walking by, checking in, or asking a question. It also didn't help -- at all -- that two different people taught me two different ways to do the audit, and my reaction to that makes me think the bosses are wondering if they made a mistake in hiring me. Then, there's the fact that I specifically chose the night audit because I hoped to have time to study and do schoolwork while I'm there. One of the people training me informed me that wouldn't be the case, that the hotel general manager was lying when she told me I could expect about three hours of downtime a night, that I'd get about half an hour a night if I was lucky, and that perhaps I should consider another job instead. Although, to her credit, she was just as sweet as treacle when she said it. Called me "darlin'" so many times I thought I might have to slap her.
Then there's school. I'm going to have class four nights a week next semester, meaning work and school will overlap one night, and I still have to fit in my hours during the day with the developmentally-disabled kid I work with at my other job. And I'll have a six-hour-a-week internship, unpaid, to contend with. I don't know how I'll do it and I'm terrified.
This leads me back to my partner. We spend so much time apart from each other now and it feels like we're drifting away. Maybe fading. We barely even have sex anymore. And speaking of spennding time away from people and not doing things anymore, I almost never see my friends anymore, and one is moving away in September. We've been friends since high school, almost twenty years now, and now I'll likely never see her again.
Nothing is going right, right now. I feel like screaming, but I doubt anyone would hear me. I'm seeing a therapist (another condition of that big fight) but she's no help. Nothing helps. I feel like I'm trying to catch water with my fingers.
What the hell do I do?
Okay, here goes. I am in a bad place mentally right now. I feel like an overstimulated child, dealing with too much coming from too many directions all at the same time.
Firstly, my partner and I had a huge fight back in April over everything that was, is, and ever has been wrong in our relationship, and for a while afterward things got much better. Then I did something that made him suspicious, and though he says we're over that setback I don't feel it and I don't feel as close to him as we were before.
Secondly, part of that big fight was the fact that he's basically supporting me while I go to school. I need to contribute to the household and put some hard evidence -- some cash -- into things as proof I'm invested in this. I had to get another job. I did. It's thrown me into the drowning pool. I got a job doing the night audit at a hotel four nights a week, figuring I could draw on my previous hotel experience.
It's not working. I'm no longer cut out for customer service. The thought of going to work fills me with dread, and I go around at work hunched over like I'm waiting to be whipped. It didn't help that on my second night there a guest threw his keys in my face and berated me. Now I assume they're all like that, and I have to battle the fight-or-flight reaction to every single phone call and guest walking by, checking in, or asking a question. It also didn't help -- at all -- that two different people taught me two different ways to do the audit, and my reaction to that makes me think the bosses are wondering if they made a mistake in hiring me. Then, there's the fact that I specifically chose the night audit because I hoped to have time to study and do schoolwork while I'm there. One of the people training me informed me that wouldn't be the case, that the hotel general manager was lying when she told me I could expect about three hours of downtime a night, that I'd get about half an hour a night if I was lucky, and that perhaps I should consider another job instead. Although, to her credit, she was just as sweet as treacle when she said it. Called me "darlin'" so many times I thought I might have to slap her.
Then there's school. I'm going to have class four nights a week next semester, meaning work and school will overlap one night, and I still have to fit in my hours during the day with the developmentally-disabled kid I work with at my other job. And I'll have a six-hour-a-week internship, unpaid, to contend with. I don't know how I'll do it and I'm terrified.
This leads me back to my partner. We spend so much time apart from each other now and it feels like we're drifting away. Maybe fading. We barely even have sex anymore. And speaking of spennding time away from people and not doing things anymore, I almost never see my friends anymore, and one is moving away in September. We've been friends since high school, almost twenty years now, and now I'll likely never see her again.
Nothing is going right, right now. I feel like screaming, but I doubt anyone would hear me. I'm seeing a therapist (another condition of that big fight) but she's no help. Nothing helps. I feel like I'm trying to catch water with my fingers.
What the hell do I do?
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