Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

I have to scream now

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
Collapse
 
  • Page of 1
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Previous template Next
  • #1

    I have to scream now

    Yeah, it's me again....*sigh*

    Can someone tell me what to say to a person who tells you something important, something that has hurt them (years old), not something you did but a big thing nonetheless, and then they say, "Why am I talking about this, it doesn't help, I just feel worse, nobody wants to hear this anyway. I'm just wasting everyone's time, I shouldn't be dumping this on you..." Etc. Etc. And this is something I knew about, it happened years and years ago but obviously still bothers her.

    This is family. I may not be the smartest cookie but I care about my family. The person in question has no money and no transportation. I'd be willing to help her go somewhere for therapy if that's what she wants; I'd pay if I possibly could, or help her get Medicaid set up. But she doesn't want to talk to strangers, doesn't want me to spend money on it, and every time something like this comes up, she ends up insisting that nobody wants to listen to her problems. JESUS CHRIST WASN'T I JUST LISTENING TO YOU? WASN'T I JUST SYMPATHIZING, WASN'T I JUST AGREEING WITH YOU?

    Sorry for "shouting" but I'm so frustrated. Sometimes it seems like I'm everybody's counselor..not that they actually take any of my advice...and even just listening and letting them talk only makes things worse. But bottling things up makes them worse, too. I didn't bring up the old bad stuff, she did! What does she want me to do??

    Gahh....I needed to vent.
    When you start at zero, everything's progress.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    I've been your reletive to my friends at times and it just frustrated them so much. I wish I knew how to advise you; I don't even know what I needed at the time. I guess I needed to feel heard, or have someone share my outrage. But it sounds like you did that. Maybe she isn't resolved because she isn't able to go to the person who hurt her. That's the only way it really gets resolved, and that can't always happen, sadly.
    "Is it hot in here to you? It's very warm, isn't it?"--Nero, probably

    Comment

    • #3
      Sometimes people just need someone to listen to them. And some people feel guilty laying out their problems on others, even though they really need to talk about it. I'd just let them know it's not a problem, that if they need to unload, they can. At least, that's been my experience with such people, and I've had a decent amount of experience with them.

      "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is       Still A Customer."

      Comment

      • #4
        Quoth MoonCat View Post

        Gahh....I needed to vent.
        I think this is exactly what your family member needs to do. S/he wants to talk--doesn't necessarily want advice but just wants to be heard. And it may seem like things get worse by talking but perhaps in the long run things are better.

        Case in point, I hate talking about my divorce as it is still very painful to me. So if I'm forced to talk about it, I cry and feel bad so it seems worse right now but a couple days later I realize I feel better having gotten a little more venting off my chest.

        Another thing you could try is something we did at my old job. If one person started to complain, the listener would say "Stop! Before we go any further, do you want me to just listen or do you want my advice?" That way the speaker says what s/he needs or is looking for and then the listener says "ok, I just wanted to be sure we're doing what you want." Then we sit back and continue.

        It sounds kinda dumb but it actually worked really well. In fact, I've used it in my family when someone starts to complain. I even use it on my mother. It makes her stop short and have to decide what to do. She usually ends up saying "I just need to complain for a little bit." Then I know that she doesn't need me to do anything but listen and commiserate.

        Hang in there. Your listening ear may be helping more than you know!

        Comment

        • #5
          Yep, my mom vents to me and I vent to her. Then we pray for each other. We're beyond mom/daughter to best friends (although I still need my mommy sometimes).
          "Is it hot in here to you? It's very warm, isn't it?"--Nero, probably

          Comment

          • #6
            I tell people that my shoulder needs regular irrigation or it dries up and doesn't work. It usually gets a wry smile, sometimes one of those little sad laughs.

            If they still try to back out of the venting session, I will tell them some variation of one of the following themes - noting that you have to tailor it to the person.

            'Sometimes I think God/Nature/whatever-works-for-them made me a listener.'

            'Everyone needs someone to listen to them.'

            'Sometimes a person just needs to vent. Go ahead and vent to me, it won't hurt me.'

            'Nah, don't worry. I'm not made of glass. I'm tough enough to listen to you cry, and soft enough to be a comfortable shoulder.'


            Some people need you to say it with a bit of humour, others need you to be serious. Some respond better if you put some religion into it (God made me a listener), some get creeped out by that. Some need to be reassured that you'll keep whatever they say secret (and DO!), some need to be reassured that they can't shock you, some think that just by venting at you they'll hurt you.

            And sometimes they just aren't quite ready to talk.

            Or aren't ready to talk to a human. I have, at times, offered for them to go into my bedroom and talk to my teddy bear. (Actually a stuffed tiger, but same general idea.)
            Others have talked to my dog. She's a very good listener, even if all she understands is that the person is upset.
            Some of those want you to 'overhear' their conversation with the bear/dog. Others don't.


            And like DaisyQueen and her coworkers, I do ask if they need to vent, or are after advice, or a bit of both.
            Not only does that help you/them figure out what they're after, but it tells their guts that you're taking them and their problems seriously.
            Seshat's self-help guide:
            1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
            2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
            3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
            4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

            "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

            Comment

            • #7
              I think she feels guilt for bringing it up. Especially now, when I'm dealing with a health problem. It's just that I have NEVER said don't talk to me, don't tell me your problems, don't vent....never. I've actually said OF COURSE you should talk to me, vent to me, blow off steam if you want.

              Maybe her remarks about not "bothering" anybody were just...I dunno, maybe I should just ignore that part. And maybe I should just quietly write down the phone number for the local crisis center and leave it where she can find it. Those people are trained for this, I'm not.
              When you start at zero, everything's progress.

              Comment

              • #8
                Yes, they're trained for it - but you're a friend. Some people need to talk to a friend, rather than a professional. (Others need it the other way around, so do make the number available.)

                Yes, people feel guilty about 'bothering' you (generic you). Happens to me all the time, especially since I have such serious and chronic health problems.

                Such people need reassurance that it's alright to 'bother' you. Some won't respond to the reassurance, ever. And that's alright: no single person can help the whole world! You just have to trust that those people will eventually find someone they are willing to talk to.

                One that often (not always!) works for me is to tell people that I need to be useful too; and that my ears work just fine.
                (Actually, they don't: but they work well enough for this purpose. )


                Really, what it takes is to make it absolutely, totally clear that you're available to listen; ensure that they have access to professional listeners; make teddy-bear-type 'silent' listening available .... and then let it go.
                The problem is their problem to deal with. The best you can do, the best you can ever do for anyone, is to be available. They have to live their own lives, make their own mistakes, learn from their mistakes.
                And yes, it's hard to watch. Especially when you're watching them refuse easily available help.

                And yes, you can vent to the board here, when you're stressed by watching.
                Seshat's self-help guide:
                1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

                Comment

                • #9
                  She's actually family, Seshat. Close family. I think that's why I get so stressed by it. But you're correct in that sometimes people have to find the right person to talk to. Maybe it's not me. And it's good to know I can come here to vent
                  When you start at zero, everything's progress.

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Look for free counseling in your area. There are charitable organizations that provide it. I was helped myself by counseling at a place like that.

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Quoth Barracuda View Post
                      Look for free counseling in your area. There are charitable organizations that provide it. I was helped myself by counseling at a place like that.
                      Oh yes, we have those. It's another possibility. Thanks Barracuda.
                      When you start at zero, everything's progress.

                      Comment

                      Previous template Next
                      Working...
                      X