Questions dealing with relationship with parents (very long and kind of ranty)

[JPD]

For the most part my parents and I do get along, but we do have some issues.
Background info in blue
Questions I've actually have in red

Background:
Back in the middle of my college years, after completing a few years, my dad got arrested. At that time I took a break from school to help my mom with bills and to stay afloat. The deal was, that afterwords they would support me as I went back to school.

Since that time he got out. I've also completed my associates degree a few years back (2011), and am almost done with my bachelors (May 2016) while working part time and providing most things for myself. They pay for my car insurance, and the car is in their name, and I live with them still.


Back in 2014, he was in jail again, and at that point my mom started borrowing money from me as well since she can't make the ends meet. Due to an issue with is lawyer, he was arrested in Dec, but was not in front of a judge until August.

Since he has been back he has been somewhat looking for work, but no one seems to be hiring a 59yo male with a criminal history. During this time he also fell, and ended up in the hospital for about 2 weeks, then on dialysis for about 2-3 months, which severely limited his ability to job search. Thankfully that is over, but he is not up to his previous physical strength.

During this time my parents have seen my bank account as their 'I can't pay this bill' fund. Right now they owe me over 5,000 dollars. Today I told them they are cut off, I'm no longer a source of income.

The one exception, is my rent is in theory 100/month. Instead of me giving them cash, they have me pay the cable bill. Right now since cable/phone/internet are bundled, I pay the entire bill (170), and they are supposed to give me the 70. Since this arrangement has started, I've yet to see that.


My dad is constantly bugging me to 'loan' him 2 dollars so he can go get a beer. Sometimes he will just purposely do something that he knows that will annoy me just to try to get 2 dollars out of me. Today and yesterday are some of the first times I kept my spine about it. Is there any other way to discourage this behavior?

Since I've helped my mom pay the bills in the past, I have access to the online utility bills, and have noticed, right now most of them are creeping up there, as they tend to let them get to second or third warning (as they don't have the money), make a deal, keep up with the deal as long as they can, and then repeat). I have told them I'm no longer a source of bill payments, but am not sure how I'm going to keep my spine once we get a shut of notice (as this effects me to)



I would definitely love advice on making sure I say no, and even to possible help them deal with their finances. (although not sure if they would listen to me)

[mathnerd]

Sounds like it's time for a little tough love. Move out. You may have to work more hours and take fewer classes, which will push back your graduation date, but it will be worth it in the long run. Your dad has made some bad choices and it's not fair to you that he's expecting you to bail him out.

[mjr]

Sounds like it's time for a little tough love. Move out. You may have to work more hours and take fewer classes, which will push back your graduation date, but it will be worth it in the long run. Your dad has made some bad choices and it's not fair to you that he's expecting you to bail him out.

I second what Mathnerd says here. It's definitely tough love time.

I've got this phrase that I use from time to time: Sometimes the best help is the help you don't give.

Why? Because it allows people to figure their own way out of a situation. It sounds like this is what your parents need here. It's possible that they're behaving in this manner because they know you're there (or were there) with money. I had an issue similar to this from the time I was 16 to the time I moved out on my own, and actually beyond that. I really didn't cut people off until I met my wife, and we started reigning in things.

I'm not saying to do it, but with regard to the beer issue: Have you considered getting it in writing? Perhaps charging interest? I mean, if it's a loan, couldn't you charge 5%? Maybe stick a promisory note in front of him for him to sign? "I, <JPDs Dad>, hereby agree to pay him back the $2 I borrowed on (XYZ Date) by the date below: <ZYX Date>", and have him sign it?

Or maybe just do the same thing. I'm curious what you mean by:

"Sometimes he will just purposely do something that he knows that will annoy me just to try to get 2 dollars out of me."

Could you elaborate on that a little?

Oh, and be ready for guilt trips, too.

Unfortunately, I would consider the $5,000 gone. You likely aren't going to get it back.

[JPD]

Or maybe just do the same thing. I'm curious what you mean by:

"Sometimes he will just purposely do something that he knows that will annoy me just to try to get 2 dollars out of me."

Could you elaborate on that a little?

Oh, and be ready for guilt trips, too.

Unfortunately, I would consider the $5,000 gone. You likely aren't going to get it back.

If I'm in my room, he will come in, sit down and just sit there. If I'm in the living room, he will come and just sit there and stare into space. Since I started saying no, he has stopped trying these tactics. These usually only happen on Wed and Thur, right before mom gets paid.

He was able to put in a few job applications the other day, so hopefully he will get called back soon.

[mjr]

If I'm in my room, he will come in, sit down and just sit there. If I'm in the living room, he will come and just sit there and stare into space. Since I started saying no, he has stopped trying these tactics. These usually only happen on Wed and Thur, right before mom gets paid.

He was able to put in a few job applications the other day, so hopefully he will get called back soon.

Is it possible you could put a lock on your door?

and why can't he wait until your mom gets paid, and then bug her for beer money?

"Sorry dad, you can't afford the beer, you can't have one."

[cindybubbles]

Buy him root beer. If he objects, tell him that if he wants money for a real beer, don't expect one from you.

[Teefies2]

I totally agree with what everyone else has said. I am in the middle of doing the same thing (tough love) myself.

Next week I am moving out of my home that I have shared with my husband and children for 22 years. The kids are grown, so it's not like I'm leaving them without their "mommy". But my husband has considered me his personal bank account for most of the last 20 years. He ran up credit cards that were in my name (okay, yes I was stupid to add him to the accounts, but we were first married and I didn't know he would refuse to help me pay them off). It took me 10 years to pay those court judgments off - and btw, my credit score is now a whopping 421! The house has been in foreclosure more than once ... so I'm trying to cut my losses as best I can.

I am getting a legal separation (NC won't let you divorce until you've been separated a year). I'm also notifying any creditors he still has - which there are many, since he's "self-employed" (read, works when he feels like it) that I will no longer be responsible for any debt he has.

I hate that it came to this point, but sometimes you just gotta do what is best for you and what is the responsible thing to do. I agree with whoever said move out. It may be rough going for a bit, but you sound like you're a responsible person, so I know you'll make it! PM me if you need to talk.

[Sapphire Silk]

Honestly, JPD, you need to find a place of your own to live. Your parents are becoming leeches and it isn't going to stop. Dad's behavior makes this all too clear. He needs to apply for disability and be done with it.

Never lend money you can't afford not to get back. That way you aren't hurt when you don't get paid back. You'll never see that money again. Let it go and move on, but cut your losses. Find a roommate and move out.

[mjr]

Never lend money you can't afford not to get back. That way you aren't hurt when you don't get paid back. You'll never see that money again. Let it go and move on, but cut your losses. Find a roommate and move out.

This is great advice for JPD.

I ran into that myself some, and I come from a family that does that. I had a few members of my family (my mother, grandmother, and a couple of aunts) who would constantly be "borrowing" money from one another. And then, since I was "the oldest" in my generation, I and my cousins got "involved" in that mess when we were old enough to work. In fact, since I was the oldest of the cousins, I got my license first. And guess who had to start driving people (grandmother, and other cousins) around? If you said I did, give yourself a point.

And when I finally started saying no, I had to deal with things like, "you're greedy because you have the money you just won't give it to me."

Sometimes it really does take saying no and/or removing yourself from the situation for it to stop.

Now I'm in a position where I do have the money, but I don't necessarily want to start a precedent.