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Days of the Living Stupids.
  #1  
Old 01-28-2016, 02:18 AM
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Jester Jester is offline
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Default Days of the Living Stupids.

I'm a bartender in a tourist town. I'm surprised I don't get more of this stuff to report. Part of that may because I work the day shift. But still.....

Dumb. James Dumb.

HIM: [orders a martini]
ME: "Would you like that up or on the rocks?"
HIM: "Cold."

Liar! Liar! Coupons on Fire!

So these two guys sit at the bar and order a couple beers. And then....this.
LIAR: "So our concierge at our hotel [he named the hotel and concierge very specifically] said that they ran out of the two for one coupons for you guys, but that you'd honor it without the coupon."
ME: "I'm sorry, gentleman, but I'm afraid he was wrong."
LIAR: "Well, he sounded very authoritative."
ME: "People who are wrong often do."

Now, while I wouldn't doubt that there are dumb concierges in this town--there certainly are--I'm pretty sure these guys were lying through their teeth about this. The 10% tip on their beers didn't help me believe them any, either.

My Douche Best Friend

Saturday evening. It was busy, so I was being held to work with the mid-shift bartender until the closer arrived. Group of 7 loud and obnoxious folks sit down. One of them is louder and more obnoxious than the others. He instantly decided he's my new best friend. He was wrong, of course, but I'll feed them and get them their drinks and then never have to see them again. On multiple occasions, I had to tell these people that I couldn't hear them if two or more were yelling at me at one time. They were so obviously idiotic and obnoxious that as soon as they walked in and started to sit down, Nice Guy Eddie walked to the other end of the bar to help other customers so that he wouldn't have to help these nitwits, leaving them to me. I can't say I blamed him.

Near the end of their meal, My Douche Best Friend reaches into his bag and pulls out a t-shirt, which has a map of the USA, the phrase "Fuck off! We're full!" on the map, and below that, "#TRUMP2016" printed on it. And My Douche Best Friend starts literally waving the shirt in my face and saying, "Oh, I bet you don't like that shirt, huh?" This despite the fact that I had not uttered one word of political opinion on any matter the entire time they'd been there because, as I told him point blank at that point, "I don't discuss politics while I'm working, sir." He said, "That's not politics." ME: "Sir, it's a Trump shirt. He's running for President. That makes it politics, and something I don't discuss while I'm working." HIM: "Well, I bet you don't like this, huh?" ME: [making a completely indifferent expression] "I really don't care either way, sir."

And then this guy, who is Mr. Friendly and thinks he's so witty and funny, who is waving around the shirt of a billionaire political candidate, says that he'll get the bill for all 7 of them. The bill of $235. I was only surprised by the 13% tip in the sense that I was surprised it was so high.

If you're gonna be one of the people who say it's time to make America great again, stop being one of the reasons America isn't great right now.

The Tipping Game

That same night, I started a new game with Nice Guy Eddie, that I call The Tipping Game. I'd describe the customers and the situation, tell Eddie the bill total, and see if he could guess the tip. Since he's been doing this for quite a while himself, he was surprisingly on or close to being on with most of them. This is what happens when you've been behind the bar for nine hours and are dealing with idiots most of that time.

If Giving Up Were An Art Form, He'd Be Picasso

HIM: "I'd like a rum drink."
ME: "Here's our specialty drink menu, most of which are rum cocktails."
HIM: "Screw it. I'll have a Bloody Mary."

Putting The What The F? in Sports Fan

HIM: "Can I get a game on this TV?"
ME: [puts game on TV directly in front of him]
HIM: "Can I also get this game on that TV, so when I turn my head that way, I can see it?"
ME: [stares at him]

An All Too Common Question

THEM: "Wow, this is great rum that you suggested. Do you know if they sell it in Michigan?"
ME: "I have no idea."
THEM: "Do you think they might?"
ME: "I really have no idea. Because I live in, you know, Florida."

Fads Are Fine. People Are Stupid.

THEM: "Do you have any gluten free items?"
ME: "Yep. Everything marked with THAT symbol on them menu is gluten free."
THEM: "Do you know if any of the other items are gluten free?"
Note to Mods: We really need a flat expression staring emoticon for stories like these. Because I use that expression behind the bar A LOT.
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  #2  
Old 01-28-2016, 03:01 AM
Slave to the Phone Slave to the Phone is offline
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Quote:
Quoth Jester View Post

Liar! Liar! Coupons on Fire!

So these two guys sit at the bar and order a couple beers. And then....this.
LIAR: "So our concierge at our hotel [he named the hotel and concierge very specifically] said that they ran out of the two for one coupons for you guys, but that you'd honor it without the coupon."
ME: "I'm sorry, gentleman, but I'm afraid he was wrong."
LIAR: "Well, he sounded very authoritative."
ME: "People who are wrong often do."
A two for one coupon at a bar? I have never heard of such a thing. I wonder if you had said that you would "honor" it for their 2 beers if LIAR would have told you that the coupon was good for their entire order.

  #3  
Old 01-28-2016, 03:44 AM
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MoonCat MoonCat is offline
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This post had me laughing my head off omg

First of all, the title reminds me of my neighbors. Hmm, they've been quiet all day, maybe they're visiting your bar...

And this:
Quote:
If you're gonna be one of the people who say it's time to make America great again, stop being one of the reasons America isn't great right now.
A perfect sig!

The gluten-free guy God, don't you hate it when people do that?!!

Idiots, all of them.
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  #4  
Old 01-28-2016, 05:38 AM
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notalwaysright notalwaysright is offline
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Quote:
Quoth Jester View Post
Dumb. James Dumb.

HIM: [orders a martini]
ME: "Would you like that up or on the rocks?"
HIM: "Cold."
I love it. What did you give him?

What I hate is when random customers try to get political. None of the employees will engage them, and most of the other customers avert their eyes. Every once in a while another vocal person will join in, and then we all have to listen to them agree with each other. It's very awkward regardless of their leanings, I have been known to jump in with something completely nonsensical like "hey, I heard *local ski area* is going to get a foot of snow before the weekend, anyone going up there?" And even if everyone just stares at me, it's still better than politics.
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  #5  
Old 01-28-2016, 06:04 AM
paxillated paxillated is offline
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Here you go, jester:

._.

I have seen a "smiley" like that, but it was long long ago in a galaxy that existed before I started collecting Social Security.

If our beloved forum goes down the tubes, you and Arga should start a blog together...
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  #6  
Old 01-28-2016, 11:49 AM
WishfulSpirit WishfulSpirit is offline
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I could not do your job Jester. I don't like drunks. If I ever put in my notice at my hotel, I plan on spending my last two weeks informing the drunks that show up at my desk at 9am wreaking of booze that we are sold out. Also that they stink.
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  #7  
Old 01-28-2016, 07:09 PM
sirwired sirwired is offline
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So Jester, what is your favorite commonly-available rum? (By "commonly available", I mean one that you could buy in a liquor store with a decent selection, but does not specialize in rum.)

My personal favorite (although I haven't tried that many) is Admiral Rodney from St Lucia, which unfortunate is only sold in the USVI, or by special order. (At least, it's by special order here in NC)

  #8  
Old 01-28-2016, 07:49 PM
prjkt prjkt is offline
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Quote:
Quoth WishfulSpirit View Post
I could not do your job Jester. I don't like drunks. If I ever put in my notice at my hotel, I plan on spending my last two weeks informing the drunks that show up at my desk at 9am wreaking of booze that we are sold out. Also that they stink.
"Oh I'm sorry, it appears that our olfactory sensors at the front door have pinged the odour eminating from you as well above the maximum limit for offensive scents, as well your current state of inebriation prevents me from renting a room to you due to new insurance restrictions, so you're out of luck at the moment.

Please sober up, have a good long shower (or three) and try again later."

  #9  
Old 01-28-2016, 08:23 PM
WishfulSpirit WishfulSpirit is offline
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LOLOLOLOLLO! Can I use that for the people that come in with almost-visible stink lines due to their use of bad weed? Just because it's legal here doesn't mean you need to go THAT overboard folks. Pace yourselves. It's the principle of too many cookies (or in this case, brownies) will make you sick.
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  #10  
Old 01-28-2016, 08:28 PM
aqutalion aqutalion is offline
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Quote:
Quoth Jester View Post
If you're gonna be one of the people who say it's time to make America great again, stop being one of the reasons America isn't great right now.
Stealing this quote. Stealing it so hard.
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