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Been in a bad mood lately. See, it has not been a particularly good start to 2018.
First, We're down two drivers and currently training their replacements and that's always a level grind to unlock the stage where you can send them on their way pretty sure they won't come back dragging the car you sent them for on the roof. Yes, we do go through towers like a sports league goes through head coaches. No, it's not fun at all. And to make it worse, we lost two veterans, see Cursing out Coworkers for the tragic details and make sure you're seated before reading.
Second, there's the bad weather, you know, the dreaded "wintry mix". For those of you not familiar with the kind of climate that produces it, imagine the inside of the convenience store slushie machine, all OVER EVERYTHING in dark grey "salt" flavor
And third, I've been missing chunks of work to commute out of town to help with the estate liquidation of a long-ill relative who just passed. Bad news, they died. Good news, that was the last practicing Catholic in the family, no more 2 hour funerals/calisthenic sessions (up, down, up, down, up, down, now on one leg, now the other! God, if you really want me to lose weight, reminding me of my own mortality by giving me a close call with a coronary would be much more efficient)
So, yeah, here we are. I'm about low enough right now that I almost considered climbing into one of those arcade crane machines and hoping someone wins me as the prize and takes me home to something better... and then I realized, no way, I already have it better than THESE people I've been dealing with! Nothing picks you up like realizing at your lowest, you still are several leaps and bounds ahead of the true bottom-feeders of the ecosystem.
Observe!
Time Out, Little Man
*thunk*
Huh? What was that?
*thunk*
There it is again.... up on the roof of our office?
*thunk*
*THUNK*
*THUNK*
Hmmm, either it's suddenly started raining cats and dogs out there or worse, hailing taxicabs, or even worse....*glances outside* "Uh, hey, Towing Manager? That kid you just chucked out who couldn't pay for his car and called you a jackhole? He's now picking up pebbles from the ground and is throwing them at the building"
"MOTHERFUDGER! I'm going to KILL THE LITTLE BASTARD!"
Now, while Towing Manager heads outside to throttle the lad, allow me to fill you in on what happened.
The local high school is undergoing major renovations that have resulted in the parking for the place being torn up like Hollywood morals. This year, if you angered the probability Gods and were a senior (entitled to parking privileges, being 16 is not enough) you were out of luck and couldn't drive to school.
Hey, these things happen, I get it. As an alumist of said institution I can commiserate. My senior year was the only one in a span of 4 years without massive winter snowfall that meant the 4 or 5 make-up snow days at the end of the school year seniors were entitled to skip? I didn't get any, it rained all year my senior year, no snow days, I had to stay to the bitter end with the rest of the underclass scum. Such is life. But it was 1995, we at least had Animaniacs.
Now, you decided this simply wouldn't do, so you drove to school anyway and parked in the lot of an apartment next door. Your young mind patting you on the back mentally, no doubt, for outfoxing the adults with this cunning subterfuge Why it was so cunning, you could practically pin a tail on it and call it a fox!
You might have gotten away with it, had about 12 or so OTHER kids, as, ahem, "enlightened" as you, not tried the same thing. The apartment manager realized what was going on and dialed the Karmic Penalty Hotline.
One "Release the hounds!" later, we had 12 illegals in impound.
Now, we had a varied number of ways to play the ensuing pick up game.
We had a few who tried to whine about how unfair it was, threaten to hold their breath until they passed out and pooped their pants, and then call Mommy.
We had a few who tried to intimidate us with their hardcore 12th grade gangsta personalities. And then call Mommy.
One bit the bullet and just straight up called their Dad. (And said Dad, as he was paying for the car, told Junior "You better run good for track this year, because if I catch you after this ..... "
)
This one kid however, tried to argue he couldn't be made to pay the bill because it was his Dad's car, and tried to tell us if we wanted paid it was our job to call him at this number....
Heh heh, no.
Yes, we mean no.
Actually, we mean AW HELL NAWWWWW. You want the car? You come up with the cash. You want Daddy? You call Daddy, not us, now either pay or leave.
He then called Towing Manager a jackhole, and was exiled from the office.
And that's when the little brat decided to go full caveman (you never go full caveman) and throw rocks at the thing that was pissing him off.
Pursuantly, Towing Manager ran outside, told the kid to have a seat on the curb along the sidewalk, right NOW, yes NOW!!! SIT DOWN NOW! You are in TIME OUT.
Good, you see, now Towing Manager IS going to call Daddy at the number you provided, and, if you move ONE INCH from where you are sitting RIGHT NOW before he gets here? We tell him you were throwing rocks at our building and are liable for any and all damage we may find..... you DON'T move and we DON'T tell him that part.
Took 30 minutes for Dad to make it in.
No, the kid didn't move.
Yes, we are vindictive bastards, why do you ask? It gets results.
Time Out Big Man
There are a few things I've learned in my humble quad of decades. Simple things like "do not test for buoyancy with your only known sample of something" "Dictators who claim their opposition has finally been defeated are about to take a bullet" and "Check a calendar and make sure it isn't Ash Wednesday before "helpfully" handing a total stranger a moist towelette for that "spot you missed".
Well, add this to that list of helpful life lessons: an airport is probably only the second-worst place to visibly commit a felony these days, behind only maybe the lawn of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Seems pretty common sense right? Well, there's always that one dumb SOB who is sure the world will see it HIS way......
Someone slugged one of our drivers, at the Airport, in full view of the parking lot guard, who raised the alarm for us with the PD before our driver even knew what happened.
Okay, backup here.
Remember that "wintry mix" I was telling you about? It sucks to drive in. It sucks even more to SPEED in. It sucks even more to SPEED IN with BALD TIRES.
Well, our amazing specimen of humanity did just that. And at a notorious sharp ninety degree corner on the way to the airport? He put his Dodge Charger in a ditch.
Since he had to be at the airport, NOW NOW NOW.... he called for a tow, NOW NOW NOW! He didn't say he was in a ditch, just that he needed to go from where he was to the airport.
Yup priced it out, $50, guy agreed, and wanted it NOW NOW NOW!!!! Okay, okay, calm down we're on the way.
Now, when Yup gets on scene and sees what has happened he tells the guy that it's not a tow, it's now a winch-out and a tow. $50 for the tow and $75 for a winch.
Guy goes bonkers, prattling on about how we're liars and thieves because we quoted him $50 ONLY over the phone. He won't be bait-and-switched! Fifty is fifty!
Yes, $50 for a tow, but you neglected to tell us that your car is off the road by about 15 yards and at an almost tits-up angle the truck couldn't possibly hook up to from even if we wanted to. It will need to be winched closer TO the road and on the level, and then we can hook up. You will require $75 of winch-work first.
Guy continues to spew invective at us: we said $50, we said $50!!! $50!!! NOT $75! FIFTY IS NOT SEVENTY FIVE! I ONLY PAY FIFTY!
Okay, "Fine" says Yup, "I don't HAVE to do anything" and starts packing up the truck.
Wait! We can't leave! Guy needs to be at the airport, NOW NOW NOW!!!!
Well, then he'll have to pay the rates quoted.
Guy finally agrees to stop the haggling, (because he's gotta go, NOW NOW NOW) and Yup winches the car out, hooks it up, and goes the remaining 3 or so miles to the airport. Once on scene, he pulls into the lot, does the paperwork, adds it up and tells the guy "$125 please"
Guy blows up again.
We said FIFTY!
*sigh* for the TOW, you also needed a winch, this... this was all explained to you on scene, we offered to walk away, and you demanded it. So you GOT it, all your services combined, may not summon Captain Planet, but, its going to cost you $125, you know? Seventy-Five PLUS fifty?
NO! You said Fifty, that's all I'm paying!
Then you are short and the car will be taken back to our garage until you come up with the other Seventy-Five.
Guy says that's illegal and he'll call the cops.
Yup tells him go ahead, but, it's perfectly fine for a garage to withhold a customer's car until all fees are paid or some kind of plan is in effect to pay them. If he doesn't pay for ALL HIS SERVICES that HE DEMANDED and demanded NOW NOW NOW, he can walk away a free man, but the car stays with us.
Guy tries to plea poverty, says he'd LIKE to pay in full, but he only has $50, Yup says that's $75 short.
Guy gets out of the truck, says "Eff you I'm taking my car" and goes back to try and unhook it.
Operative word: "try", the master PTO is off, so the hydraulics are dead, he can pull any lever he wants back there, nothing is going to happen. Ttat doesn't mean he may not be able to hurt himself, so Yup goes back and tells him to step away from the machinery he isn't trained on how to use.
Guy punches Yup across the face.
And that's when the cops showed up. Nope, no delay, that's when they showed up, and saw the nice, fresh, bruise on Yup's face.
Seems the lot guard noticed the increasingly-nasty sounding argument between Yup and his customer and called for the cops because he feared violence was imminent, and he was right.
Said perpetrator of violence? He admitted he punched Yup, but he HAD to, Yup was STEALING HIS CAR!!!!
The cops, naturally, ask Yup for the truth (tm) and upon hearing it, tell Mister Pugilist that he's going with them, NOW NOW NOW.
And after that, his car went back to our garage, and racked up two days of storage before he managed to make bail and come in for it.
Now, after what happened the last time you got belligerent with us, you'd expect him to not do it again, right?
Hehe, couldn't keep a straight face, right? Because neither could I.
No, see, when informed he owed a tow, a winch and now storage... he blew up again!
And started kicking the table in front of the Towing Manger while yelling "BULLSH*T!!!!" when informed of the cost. Towing Manager threatened to call the cops, again, because he wouldn't stand for someone being "threatening" in the office. To which the guy looked Manager right in the face and said "Come on, really? Just for kicking a table? I'm NOT a THREAT to ANYONE!!!!"
Manager, cool as ice, responded "Says the guy who punched one of my drivers"
The only thing that defused the situation? Guy had to bring his MOM with him to pay and SHE told him to stop it before his life gets any more worse! Wow.....
That, ladies and gentlemen, is what concentrated failure at life looks like. Campbells may be able to condense an entire meal right down into a tiny little soup can, but only a determined human being could cram that much "FAIL" into one, single, entitity.
I'm just in awe.
Presumably missed his flight too, wherever he was going? You folks at his final destination owe us big time for not letting him arrive, if only by proxy.
Owner Pwned
So, guy comes in enquiring about a car that was just towed from 65 Longjohn Drive.
We tell him that yes, we have it, and what it will cost to get it out of the vehicular penalty box.
He says he's not paying a cent because he OWNS 65 Longjohn Drive and as the OWNER you had NO RIGHT to tow his car! So give it back NOW!
Heh, how about "no"?
Or how about "Awwww hellll nawwwwww!" ?
That property is one of many owned by Global Domination Reality. Now I'm sure GDR has an owner, possibly owners, but I have a feeling a 20-something kid driving an older rusty Nissan with out-of-state plates ISN'T one on the GDR board of directors.
I know, I know, shun me for profiling if you must, but, as Dirty Harry once famously said "When I see a naked man soaked in blood chasing a woman with a knife, I know he ain't out collecting for the Red Cross". But, let's see if I can trip him up with the old fake-owner-smokeout move...
"Okay, then what's your password?"
"uh... what?"
"The password you use to call in cars for us to tow? So nobody else can impersonate you? What is it? We confirmed it with you at the start of the year"
As you may have guessed, there is no password, but again, the REAL owner of the property would know that and immediately retort with "there is none!" or "What are you talking about? *Towing Manager* never gave me one!" Not stand there for that couple of incriminating seconds doing a smallmouth bass impression as they try to process how to lie their way out of an increasingly deepening hole.
"Uh... uh..."
"You obviously aren't the owner if you don't know it"
"Look, I OWN that property and unless you give me my car back I'm going to... to... CALL THE COPS"
"go ahead"
"uh...... uh, I mean it"
"Go ahead. Wanna use my phone or yours?"
Yep, another person whose level 6 summon of law enforcement has been defeated by our level 25 circle of blue warding!
Too bad there partner. To many people seem to have grown up getting all their life advice from Grand Theft Auto games where the police have only two settings, "off" and "hostile' And once flagged "hostile" will respond to any call with roadblocks, SWAT teams and indiscriminate gunfire.
Is that it?
Defeated like that week-old party balloon that's still barely floating around the dark far corner of the VFW's banquet hall that nobody's gotten around to picking up, he gives up resistance and pays. But not before issuing the ISO-standard supervillain "you haven't seen the last of me!" threat:
"Well, I'm calling my lawyer and we WILL be seeing you in court over this! It's unacceptable to just tow someone for just visiting!"
"Visiting? I thought you said you owned the place?"
*nasty glare*
He then stomps out the door to get his car. Now, here comes the stinger, as they say in sitcom circles. Just as he's walking out, but before the door completely closed behind him, he turns to his female companion who has been waiting outside (and probably drove him in) and I catch only four words before it shuts....
"Call your Dad an...." *slam*
Yeah, lemme know how that conversation with "your" "lawyer" goes. And how long you last in that relationship when you keep getting your girl's dad out of bed at 2am to sic him on meter maids.... he's probably not even a criminal lawyer, probably does real estate or patents and really really REALLY would've preferred his daughter had fallen in with that gang of transients who scam old ladies with fraudulent roof repairs, but is far too polite to say anything.
EMERGENCY EMERGENCY EVERYONE TO GET FROM STEET!
Yes, I know the Borough has declared a snow emergency which means the streets have to be clear for the snowplows by 2am, but, that doesn't entitle you to park in someone else's private lot. They did not tell you "just put er anywhere" did they?
Believe it or not, when they tell you your car has to be off the street, they are NOT giving you permission to put it somewhere that belongs to another private individual who would rather his private property remain that way. It's still on you to find a legal alternative, and I stress, legal.
And if you should put it in one of our lots without a permit to be there, you will get towed
And no, the "borough said so" is not an excuse, it's not even factually correct, they said "get off the street", not "you are now immune from illegal parking and it's many varied repercussions".
They told you what to do, HOW you did it is still on YOU.
If ya'll are down at the square dance, and the caller says "Grab a partner" that doesn't mean he's liable for your rather considerable dental bills when you grab that attractive young lady... in mid sentence, as she was talking to that linebacker-sized guy in the camo fatigues, who turned out to be her boyfriend.....
Really, I've been having this conversation far too many times with far too many people this year.
And, much like being the host for some alien spores, even ONCE is far too much.
Welcome to Dialogue Dumping Ground
Person comes in for a Jeep that was illegally parked (permit lot, no permit) and she was not happy, or coherent.
Now, it's hard to convey this in the written word, but.. imagine, if you will, that effect you get when you speed up a normal person's voice by %200 so all 300 legal disclaimers at the end of a late-night ad for making all your credit card bills go away can fit into the last five seconds.
Now imagine that voice reading all of this.
"Yes, I'm that angry lady that just called! I'm so upset at you! I know it's your job! You just towed me? This is silly! I shouldn't be angry. I was doing good things today! Ugh, you don't negotiate do you? Of course not! Can't afford this! I hope you are happy. What am I to do? Well, I'm warning you, karma can be a BITCH! *pay* *doorslam*.
Wow, someone should report that bug to the coding department, that poor NPC's dialogue tree is really really messed up, you can barely understand them.
Nice day, Ma'm, have any spare karma need new water chip for vault low ammunition now warning purple monkey dishwasher!
Sometimes, Life Really is This Simple
*RING*
Friendly Neighborhood Towing, We make bucks if your parking sucks, how can I help you?
Did you tow a Purple Chevy from Crossover Apartments?
Let's see here, yes, we did.
But I was only there for, like, an hour!
Doesn't matter Ma'm, if your car is parked there, without a permit, and found, it'll be towed.
I KNOW! I saw the signs!
Well then what's the problem?
So that's it? No warning? No phone call? You just go around and TOW?
...
...
...
Is... is this a question? I mean, is this REALLY a question? This... this is one of those hidden camera shows right? Or did someone in HR put you up to this? Because I just can't believe you're serious, I ... I don't want to believe you are serious. You are... aren't you...
What's that now? You want us to come over there and get you? No, we don't offer that service, we are not Uber, no you can't get a discount on the price by walking over here yourself, no.. it.. no... no it does not go lower if you walk in here vs us coming to get you, we don't come to get you.
Just...
No we won't get you a hotel room because now you have to stay overnight in town because you have no car and "nowhere to stay".
No..
It, uh.... look, Ma'm, I have to go now, I seem to be getting this sudden irresistible urge to call my congressman and ask if we can bring back witch burning, and if he agrees with me, that wouldn't bode well for you *SLAM*
What? Whaddaya looking at me like that for? Is there something wrong with burning witches? THey're a renewable resource aren't they? AREN'T THEY?!?!?!??!
Okay, I didn't say that, but certainly was THINKING it as we decided to hang up.
Touchy-Touchy
Most people who make bogus damage complaints (i.e. that dent with the rust streaks down the side that's been corroding since VHS tapes were a thing) we will humor with a complaint form and tell them "the Manager will look this over and if he thinks you have a case, will contact you within 48 hours" and as soon as they go out the door, the form goes in the trash.
But this guy? We told him to his face if he wanted to fill out a damage complaint form, he could, but as soon as he was done with it, it was going in the trash.
He filled it out anyway, we tossed in the trash in front of him.
He says we haven't seen the last of him (Sigh, another aspiring supervillain. What shall we call him when he gets his very own monthly title? Doctor Dentmonger? The Parkmeister? Captain Car-lammity?)
Well, whatever....
I fail to see how any court in the land will side with him that the scratch on the underside of his front bumper was our fault, especially when the gouge in question had clearly been filled in with wrong-color touch up paint. And that paint was not re-scratched.
Well, you gotta admire their persistence....
And by admire, I mean bemoan the fact that dueling with pistols went out of style, It'd be worth the risk at 10 paces to "resolve" this dispute....
Mobile Gun Show
And speaking of conflict resolutions through superior firepower, I for one have enough faith in my people skills that I don't drive around with my personal firearm on the seat of my car, loose. Know what else I don't do? Drive around with a stack of FOURTEEN VARIOUS PISTOLS AND LONGARMS piled up, loose, on the passenger seat.
Someone didn't get THAT memo either.
Because one of our local cops who just pulled a guy over for some minor traffic slight certainly didn't expect to find such a scenario either, yet he did.
To my knowledge there hasn't been a large theft of Lend-Lease quantities of firearms around here. And the driver has all his papers for the truck. Everything seems normal except for there being enough material here to arm at least two octopi and still have room to give them both ice cream cones. But the decision is made to toss the truck. Why the toss?
This is a clear case of "We're going to make life difficult for you in the hopes the inconvenience makes you less inclined to DO RECKLESS AND STUPID SH*T like this in the future" They're going to run the serial number of each and every one of those guns and any more they find in squirreled away for winter in there just to make sure you are the legal owner as you say you are and that none of them are linked to anything nefarious. Because driving around with FOURTEEN GUNS in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT is probable cause that you might just be up to no good or negligent to an almost criminal degree.
The toss pit for the PD is this small little windowless blockhouse addition to the end of the station with a single roll up door. The parking lot is tiny, the door is tiny, the overhead is low.... it's a freaking nightmare as-is to get a vehicle in here, even a tiny one.
And without fail, Mister Second Amendment's vehicle, is a brodozer. Tires and stacks as big as his arsenal.
Why oh why do these Yankee-flavored rapscallions always, always, ALWAYS drive these 30 story tall Ford F-OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAANNNNDDDDD! monstrosities?
It took a 29 point turn, but we did eventually get the dozer into the toss pit, and an hour later, got to take it back out again and ferry it over to impound, since nothing illegal turned up. Mr Brodozer did in fact, own all those guns. Well, at oversize vehicle rates, times two, we saw a tidy profit from our PD towing account, so there's that at least for all the headache.
You know those times when someone complains about the cops harassing them for "no reason"? There is a reason. There is ALWAYS a reason. And frequently, the reason is "They didn't see why it would be an abuse of power to temporarily inconvenience a moron.' And you know what? I agree.
Surprisingly, the gunslinger didn't complain when he came in to get the truck the next morning from impound. I guess he may have actually, SHOCK AND HORROR, learned something?
Naaah, who I am I kidding? He probably went right out and bought more guns. Cuz' this is MURRICAH!
Not Even Wrong
"Why are you towing my car?"
"Where's the parking permit?"
"I was at a party"
"Look at the sign you parked RIGHT in front of.. what does it say? It says "permit only", so where's yours?"
"But... I was at a party"
Uh.... that's not what I asked. Not even close. Notice I didn't say it was a wrong answer? Because it's not a wrong answer, it's not even within the boundaries of the question to be WRONG in the first place....
If I ask "What day of the week is it?" and you say "I like cheese" that wouldn't be a wrong answer, you'd have to get the day wrong first.
The reason I bring this up is I have this very problem, dozens of times a day, without fail, with people under 25..... how can people with allegedly sharp and youthful minds get this BAD at processing information?!
Maybe Mom and Dad were right, maybe video games DO rot your brain. Darn it, I hate when she proves me right again and again and again, guess I'll have to add that to the list of "told-you-so" along with "Who is going to pick that up, the maid?" and "My REAL son is at HARVARD!"
Yes, she'd really say that, I had the designated 'weird Mom' in the neighborhood.
Yup Improves Race Relations.
So, it looks like Yup was the guy who drew the short straw this month and is going to get ALL the raging arseholes.
Aside from Mister "How bad could a felony at the airport possibly be?" he also got, this guy.
For those of you who've never seen him, Yup is a cross between Danny Devito and a recent escapee of an Amish roofing crew. He's as white and hillbilly nerdy as they come.
If you call central casting and ask for an extra to lean against a porch rail and say "Yain't from round' here are ya?" as the hopelessly lost Yuppie protagonist wanders into the bar because his rental broke down and he has no cell service? They'd send you Yup.
Why is this pertinent? Because he was sent out to Alphabet Plaza the other night for a misplaced Chrysler. The owner put it in the lot without a permit, he should have put it on the street.
Naturally, touching the car causes the owner's Spidey-Sense goes off and Yup finds himself face-to-face with someone who must fancy himself a budding rap star, every other word out of this guy's mouth was "The N word"
You know what that means, I know what that means, it also means the rest of this dialogue is going to need to be heavily scrubbed, but don't worry, I do it because I care!
"Yo! Nword! That's my car! What you think you doing? Nword?! Permit? I gots to have a permit? Nword you crazy! I ain't need no permit, Nword! I was just visitin' my Nwords! A hundred effin' dollars? Nword you crazy!"
Yup, finally fed up, says "Sir, can you stop using that word on me?"
"Why not? Nword?" says the guy.
"Because I'm white" Yup says.
His customer does a double blink, and I swear, I'm not making this up, looks Yup right in the face and says:
"YOU A RACIST! .... I'M CALLIN THE COPS!!!!"
"Fine" Yup says "When you want to pay, I'll be over here"
15 minutes go by, and Yup deduced the cops were a bluff, and mister Nword got tired of standing in the cold by himself and decided to pay our "racist asses" after all.
So, let that be a lesson, kids, not letting people call you racial slurs that don't even correspond to your race is ILLEGAL!
You learn something new every day on this job.
Like the myriad of ways people have failed at parenting.
All Fired Up
So, Wednesday night, got a tow for an illegally parked car.
This is a new development that was just constructed ahead of the snowfall. Being new, people are hoping that it's virgin land that civilization and therefore, tow trucks, have not discovered yet. Nope, we had the contract before they even dug the foundation.
To actually build this place, they had to extend the existing street an extra two blocks. And street parking in this neighborhood is not allowed due to the narrowness of said streets (i.e. if you park in the street, other cars may be able to squeeze past, but the borough fire trucks can't get around you), in fact, a few blocks of it are divided parkway where ANY attempt at street parking blocks one side completely.
Ergo, you park off the street in the assigned lot spaces. You don't? You get the Hook of Justice (tm).
Of course, some people just could NOT believe that this would be enforced. Probably because the paving crew didn't get it fully groomed before they had to stop construction for the winter. The "street" isn't actually paved yet, just a proto-layer of crushed gravel and macadam. You know? What pavement looked like when it first crawled out of the ocean 89 million years ago? And all the storm drains and manholes are hovering about 4 inches ABOVE street level? And will until the spring when they finish?
This made it just irresistible bait to the illegal parkers because, well, you can't tow from a street that isn't even FINISHED can you? Spoiler: We can.
The property owner even circulated a memo to his tenants, you may THINK that street isn't a street yet, but it is, and you WILL be towed off of it for blocking a travel lane. And our first victim admitted he discarded the warning because he "didn't think they'd actually do it", his WIFE was quite unhappy with this because he told her to park out there and her SUV was patient zero for the property.
A few dozen tows later and we arrive at last Wednesday night, when someone put their Camaro out in the street and Yup (who else?) went to fetch it.
Naturally, this is when the music on the Jack-in-the-box stopped and owner sproinged from the apartments.
First, he declared that we were doing something illegal. Despite the signage, you know how that one always goes.
Then, he declared we had "damaged his car" Okay, at this point, all Yup had done was slide his claws under the rear tires and pick it up 4 inches, this is your bog-standard drop. How, asks Yup, has a 4 inch lift to the rear tires, damaged anything?
Guy doesn't have an answer, just repeats "you damaged my car!" a couple of dozen times, with Yup asking him to specifically point out the damage, to no avail.
Then, the Grand Finale. When informed of the $95 drop, guy goes "SC Classic" and says he "knows" our owner and "he's going to talk to him Friday" and , wait for it..
YUP WILL BE FIRED!
Yup laughs and says "You are welcome to try, but I'll still be reporting to work Monday"
Nope, HE KNOWS THE OWNER and Yup is fired! And his supervisor (i.e. me who wasn't even there) I'm FIRED TOO!!!! And so will be EVERYONE ELSE!
Even drivers not on shift right now? Apparently so, guy says he'll get "everyone" fired.
Wow, this is turning into a particularly nasty episode of the Oprah show: "YOU get fired! And YOU get fired! And YOU get fired! AND EVERYONE GETS FIRED!!!!!"
Well, Yup's had his chuckle, now he reminds the guy that he has to pay.
Guy says he can't, got no money.
Yup says that's too bad, now he's gonna take the car.
Guy says he can't do that
Yup says "What are you gonna do to that? Get me fired?"
Guy grumbles, bends over, and out of the sock in his right shoe... pulls a sweaty roll of $100 bills and peels the top one off and hands it to Yup, who only took it because he had his gloves on.
He then got clear of there before he could be fired, again.
Yeah, as you may have guessed, nobody got fired. Why oh why do these people think that threat will work?
I did talk to Bossman/Owner the next day to make sure he wasn't waiting for a holiday to do the dirty deed. He wasn't. Oh, and yes, he's quite certain that nobody called him to get us fired and that he doesn't know anyone who drives a Camaro, and yes, anyone who was a customer of the "Bank of Hanes" certainly isn't anyone he'd know or like to get into business with.
Much to Learn Yet, Grasshopper
Yes, we have your car, you illegally parked it. To get it out you'll need photo ID and.... wait what?
You don't have a photo ID, because you don't have a license? All you have is a learner's permit.....
Technically it's against company policy to release this to you as a learner's permit is not a photo ID, just has your bare info on it.
Legally, you cannot drive out of here, a learner's permit is only valid if another licensed driver is in the car. You came alone.
Realistically? Yes, get the hell out of here and go make your smoldering craters on someone else's property, if you can't even get your first time driving right (with alleged supervision) t I really don't want to be standing at Ground Zero with you in the humanoid hurricane that is your apparent life ....
I'll let you live, but May God Have Mercy on our Souls.
You Were Good Son, Real Good
But I am STILL the master!
https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net...f1&oe=5B4E4E91
You almost got that one by me, but your making of an"8" on that stock "13" was betrayed by inconsistency with the secretary's "8" and the fact yours is in dire need of a shave.
And with that, I am going to make like a tree and get out of here..... those who want a happy ending, stop now, those who are gluttons for pathos, continue to COCW for the tragic details of our lost drivers.
First, We're down two drivers and currently training their replacements and that's always a level grind to unlock the stage where you can send them on their way pretty sure they won't come back dragging the car you sent them for on the roof. Yes, we do go through towers like a sports league goes through head coaches. No, it's not fun at all. And to make it worse, we lost two veterans, see Cursing out Coworkers for the tragic details and make sure you're seated before reading.
Second, there's the bad weather, you know, the dreaded "wintry mix". For those of you not familiar with the kind of climate that produces it, imagine the inside of the convenience store slushie machine, all OVER EVERYTHING in dark grey "salt" flavor
And third, I've been missing chunks of work to commute out of town to help with the estate liquidation of a long-ill relative who just passed. Bad news, they died. Good news, that was the last practicing Catholic in the family, no more 2 hour funerals/calisthenic sessions (up, down, up, down, up, down, now on one leg, now the other! God, if you really want me to lose weight, reminding me of my own mortality by giving me a close call with a coronary would be much more efficient)
So, yeah, here we are. I'm about low enough right now that I almost considered climbing into one of those arcade crane machines and hoping someone wins me as the prize and takes me home to something better... and then I realized, no way, I already have it better than THESE people I've been dealing with! Nothing picks you up like realizing at your lowest, you still are several leaps and bounds ahead of the true bottom-feeders of the ecosystem.
Observe!
Time Out, Little Man
*thunk*
Huh? What was that?
*thunk*
There it is again.... up on the roof of our office?
*thunk*
*THUNK*
*THUNK*
Hmmm, either it's suddenly started raining cats and dogs out there or worse, hailing taxicabs, or even worse....*glances outside* "Uh, hey, Towing Manager? That kid you just chucked out who couldn't pay for his car and called you a jackhole? He's now picking up pebbles from the ground and is throwing them at the building"
"MOTHERFUDGER! I'm going to KILL THE LITTLE BASTARD!"
Now, while Towing Manager heads outside to throttle the lad, allow me to fill you in on what happened.
The local high school is undergoing major renovations that have resulted in the parking for the place being torn up like Hollywood morals. This year, if you angered the probability Gods and were a senior (entitled to parking privileges, being 16 is not enough) you were out of luck and couldn't drive to school.
Hey, these things happen, I get it. As an alumist of said institution I can commiserate. My senior year was the only one in a span of 4 years without massive winter snowfall that meant the 4 or 5 make-up snow days at the end of the school year seniors were entitled to skip? I didn't get any, it rained all year my senior year, no snow days, I had to stay to the bitter end with the rest of the underclass scum. Such is life. But it was 1995, we at least had Animaniacs.
Now, you decided this simply wouldn't do, so you drove to school anyway and parked in the lot of an apartment next door. Your young mind patting you on the back mentally, no doubt, for outfoxing the adults with this cunning subterfuge Why it was so cunning, you could practically pin a tail on it and call it a fox!
You might have gotten away with it, had about 12 or so OTHER kids, as, ahem, "enlightened" as you, not tried the same thing. The apartment manager realized what was going on and dialed the Karmic Penalty Hotline.
One "Release the hounds!" later, we had 12 illegals in impound.
Now, we had a varied number of ways to play the ensuing pick up game.
We had a few who tried to whine about how unfair it was, threaten to hold their breath until they passed out and pooped their pants, and then call Mommy.
We had a few who tried to intimidate us with their hardcore 12th grade gangsta personalities. And then call Mommy.
One bit the bullet and just straight up called their Dad. (And said Dad, as he was paying for the car, told Junior "You better run good for track this year, because if I catch you after this ..... "
)This one kid however, tried to argue he couldn't be made to pay the bill because it was his Dad's car, and tried to tell us if we wanted paid it was our job to call him at this number....
Heh heh, no.
Yes, we mean no.
Actually, we mean AW HELL NAWWWWW. You want the car? You come up with the cash. You want Daddy? You call Daddy, not us, now either pay or leave.
He then called Towing Manager a jackhole, and was exiled from the office.
And that's when the little brat decided to go full caveman (you never go full caveman) and throw rocks at the thing that was pissing him off.
Pursuantly, Towing Manager ran outside, told the kid to have a seat on the curb along the sidewalk, right NOW, yes NOW!!! SIT DOWN NOW! You are in TIME OUT.
Good, you see, now Towing Manager IS going to call Daddy at the number you provided, and, if you move ONE INCH from where you are sitting RIGHT NOW before he gets here? We tell him you were throwing rocks at our building and are liable for any and all damage we may find..... you DON'T move and we DON'T tell him that part.
Took 30 minutes for Dad to make it in.
No, the kid didn't move.
Yes, we are vindictive bastards, why do you ask? It gets results.
Time Out Big Man
There are a few things I've learned in my humble quad of decades. Simple things like "do not test for buoyancy with your only known sample of something" "Dictators who claim their opposition has finally been defeated are about to take a bullet" and "Check a calendar and make sure it isn't Ash Wednesday before "helpfully" handing a total stranger a moist towelette for that "spot you missed".
Well, add this to that list of helpful life lessons: an airport is probably only the second-worst place to visibly commit a felony these days, behind only maybe the lawn of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Seems pretty common sense right? Well, there's always that one dumb SOB who is sure the world will see it HIS way......
Someone slugged one of our drivers, at the Airport, in full view of the parking lot guard, who raised the alarm for us with the PD before our driver even knew what happened.
Okay, backup here.
Remember that "wintry mix" I was telling you about? It sucks to drive in. It sucks even more to SPEED in. It sucks even more to SPEED IN with BALD TIRES.
Well, our amazing specimen of humanity did just that. And at a notorious sharp ninety degree corner on the way to the airport? He put his Dodge Charger in a ditch.
Since he had to be at the airport, NOW NOW NOW.... he called for a tow, NOW NOW NOW! He didn't say he was in a ditch, just that he needed to go from where he was to the airport.
Yup priced it out, $50, guy agreed, and wanted it NOW NOW NOW!!!! Okay, okay, calm down we're on the way.
Now, when Yup gets on scene and sees what has happened he tells the guy that it's not a tow, it's now a winch-out and a tow. $50 for the tow and $75 for a winch.
Guy goes bonkers, prattling on about how we're liars and thieves because we quoted him $50 ONLY over the phone. He won't be bait-and-switched! Fifty is fifty!
Yes, $50 for a tow, but you neglected to tell us that your car is off the road by about 15 yards and at an almost tits-up angle the truck couldn't possibly hook up to from even if we wanted to. It will need to be winched closer TO the road and on the level, and then we can hook up. You will require $75 of winch-work first.
Guy continues to spew invective at us: we said $50, we said $50!!! $50!!! NOT $75! FIFTY IS NOT SEVENTY FIVE! I ONLY PAY FIFTY!
Okay, "Fine" says Yup, "I don't HAVE to do anything" and starts packing up the truck.
Wait! We can't leave! Guy needs to be at the airport, NOW NOW NOW!!!!
Well, then he'll have to pay the rates quoted.
Guy finally agrees to stop the haggling, (because he's gotta go, NOW NOW NOW) and Yup winches the car out, hooks it up, and goes the remaining 3 or so miles to the airport. Once on scene, he pulls into the lot, does the paperwork, adds it up and tells the guy "$125 please"
Guy blows up again.
We said FIFTY!
*sigh* for the TOW, you also needed a winch, this... this was all explained to you on scene, we offered to walk away, and you demanded it. So you GOT it, all your services combined, may not summon Captain Planet, but, its going to cost you $125, you know? Seventy-Five PLUS fifty?
NO! You said Fifty, that's all I'm paying!
Then you are short and the car will be taken back to our garage until you come up with the other Seventy-Five.
Guy says that's illegal and he'll call the cops.
Yup tells him go ahead, but, it's perfectly fine for a garage to withhold a customer's car until all fees are paid or some kind of plan is in effect to pay them. If he doesn't pay for ALL HIS SERVICES that HE DEMANDED and demanded NOW NOW NOW, he can walk away a free man, but the car stays with us.
Guy tries to plea poverty, says he'd LIKE to pay in full, but he only has $50, Yup says that's $75 short.
Guy gets out of the truck, says "Eff you I'm taking my car" and goes back to try and unhook it.
Operative word: "try", the master PTO is off, so the hydraulics are dead, he can pull any lever he wants back there, nothing is going to happen. Ttat doesn't mean he may not be able to hurt himself, so Yup goes back and tells him to step away from the machinery he isn't trained on how to use.
Guy punches Yup across the face.
And that's when the cops showed up. Nope, no delay, that's when they showed up, and saw the nice, fresh, bruise on Yup's face.
Seems the lot guard noticed the increasingly-nasty sounding argument between Yup and his customer and called for the cops because he feared violence was imminent, and he was right.
Said perpetrator of violence? He admitted he punched Yup, but he HAD to, Yup was STEALING HIS CAR!!!!
The cops, naturally, ask Yup for the truth (tm) and upon hearing it, tell Mister Pugilist that he's going with them, NOW NOW NOW.
And after that, his car went back to our garage, and racked up two days of storage before he managed to make bail and come in for it.
Now, after what happened the last time you got belligerent with us, you'd expect him to not do it again, right?
Hehe, couldn't keep a straight face, right? Because neither could I.
No, see, when informed he owed a tow, a winch and now storage... he blew up again!
And started kicking the table in front of the Towing Manger while yelling "BULLSH*T!!!!" when informed of the cost. Towing Manager threatened to call the cops, again, because he wouldn't stand for someone being "threatening" in the office. To which the guy looked Manager right in the face and said "Come on, really? Just for kicking a table? I'm NOT a THREAT to ANYONE!!!!"
Manager, cool as ice, responded "Says the guy who punched one of my drivers"
The only thing that defused the situation? Guy had to bring his MOM with him to pay and SHE told him to stop it before his life gets any more worse! Wow.....
That, ladies and gentlemen, is what concentrated failure at life looks like. Campbells may be able to condense an entire meal right down into a tiny little soup can, but only a determined human being could cram that much "FAIL" into one, single, entitity.
I'm just in awe.
Presumably missed his flight too, wherever he was going? You folks at his final destination owe us big time for not letting him arrive, if only by proxy.
Owner Pwned
So, guy comes in enquiring about a car that was just towed from 65 Longjohn Drive.
We tell him that yes, we have it, and what it will cost to get it out of the vehicular penalty box.
He says he's not paying a cent because he OWNS 65 Longjohn Drive and as the OWNER you had NO RIGHT to tow his car! So give it back NOW!
Heh, how about "no"?
Or how about "Awwww hellll nawwwwww!" ?
That property is one of many owned by Global Domination Reality. Now I'm sure GDR has an owner, possibly owners, but I have a feeling a 20-something kid driving an older rusty Nissan with out-of-state plates ISN'T one on the GDR board of directors.
I know, I know, shun me for profiling if you must, but, as Dirty Harry once famously said "When I see a naked man soaked in blood chasing a woman with a knife, I know he ain't out collecting for the Red Cross". But, let's see if I can trip him up with the old fake-owner-smokeout move...
"Okay, then what's your password?"
"uh... what?"
"The password you use to call in cars for us to tow? So nobody else can impersonate you? What is it? We confirmed it with you at the start of the year"
As you may have guessed, there is no password, but again, the REAL owner of the property would know that and immediately retort with "there is none!" or "What are you talking about? *Towing Manager* never gave me one!" Not stand there for that couple of incriminating seconds doing a smallmouth bass impression as they try to process how to lie their way out of an increasingly deepening hole.
"Uh... uh..."
"You obviously aren't the owner if you don't know it"
"Look, I OWN that property and unless you give me my car back I'm going to... to... CALL THE COPS"
"go ahead"
"uh...... uh, I mean it"
"Go ahead. Wanna use my phone or yours?"
Yep, another person whose level 6 summon of law enforcement has been defeated by our level 25 circle of blue warding!
Too bad there partner. To many people seem to have grown up getting all their life advice from Grand Theft Auto games where the police have only two settings, "off" and "hostile' And once flagged "hostile" will respond to any call with roadblocks, SWAT teams and indiscriminate gunfire. Is that it?
Defeated like that week-old party balloon that's still barely floating around the dark far corner of the VFW's banquet hall that nobody's gotten around to picking up, he gives up resistance and pays. But not before issuing the ISO-standard supervillain "you haven't seen the last of me!" threat:
"Well, I'm calling my lawyer and we WILL be seeing you in court over this! It's unacceptable to just tow someone for just visiting!"
"Visiting? I thought you said you owned the place?"
*nasty glare*
He then stomps out the door to get his car. Now, here comes the stinger, as they say in sitcom circles. Just as he's walking out, but before the door completely closed behind him, he turns to his female companion who has been waiting outside (and probably drove him in) and I catch only four words before it shuts....
"Call your Dad an...." *slam*
Yeah, lemme know how that conversation with "your" "lawyer" goes. And how long you last in that relationship when you keep getting your girl's dad out of bed at 2am to sic him on meter maids.... he's probably not even a criminal lawyer, probably does real estate or patents and really really REALLY would've preferred his daughter had fallen in with that gang of transients who scam old ladies with fraudulent roof repairs, but is far too polite to say anything.
EMERGENCY EMERGENCY EVERYONE TO GET FROM STEET!
Yes, I know the Borough has declared a snow emergency which means the streets have to be clear for the snowplows by 2am, but, that doesn't entitle you to park in someone else's private lot. They did not tell you "just put er anywhere" did they?
Believe it or not, when they tell you your car has to be off the street, they are NOT giving you permission to put it somewhere that belongs to another private individual who would rather his private property remain that way. It's still on you to find a legal alternative, and I stress, legal.
And if you should put it in one of our lots without a permit to be there, you will get towed
And no, the "borough said so" is not an excuse, it's not even factually correct, they said "get off the street", not "you are now immune from illegal parking and it's many varied repercussions".
They told you what to do, HOW you did it is still on YOU.
If ya'll are down at the square dance, and the caller says "Grab a partner" that doesn't mean he's liable for your rather considerable dental bills when you grab that attractive young lady... in mid sentence, as she was talking to that linebacker-sized guy in the camo fatigues, who turned out to be her boyfriend.....
Really, I've been having this conversation far too many times with far too many people this year.
And, much like being the host for some alien spores, even ONCE is far too much.
Welcome to Dialogue Dumping Ground
Person comes in for a Jeep that was illegally parked (permit lot, no permit) and she was not happy, or coherent.
Now, it's hard to convey this in the written word, but.. imagine, if you will, that effect you get when you speed up a normal person's voice by %200 so all 300 legal disclaimers at the end of a late-night ad for making all your credit card bills go away can fit into the last five seconds.
Now imagine that voice reading all of this.
"Yes, I'm that angry lady that just called! I'm so upset at you! I know it's your job! You just towed me? This is silly! I shouldn't be angry. I was doing good things today! Ugh, you don't negotiate do you? Of course not! Can't afford this! I hope you are happy. What am I to do? Well, I'm warning you, karma can be a BITCH! *pay* *doorslam*.
Wow, someone should report that bug to the coding department, that poor NPC's dialogue tree is really really messed up, you can barely understand them.
Nice day, Ma'm, have any spare karma need new water chip for vault low ammunition now warning purple monkey dishwasher!
Sometimes, Life Really is This Simple
*RING*
Friendly Neighborhood Towing, We make bucks if your parking sucks, how can I help you?
Did you tow a Purple Chevy from Crossover Apartments?
Let's see here, yes, we did.
But I was only there for, like, an hour!
Doesn't matter Ma'm, if your car is parked there, without a permit, and found, it'll be towed.
I KNOW! I saw the signs!
Well then what's the problem?
So that's it? No warning? No phone call? You just go around and TOW?
...
...
...
Is... is this a question? I mean, is this REALLY a question? This... this is one of those hidden camera shows right? Or did someone in HR put you up to this? Because I just can't believe you're serious, I ... I don't want to believe you are serious. You are... aren't you...
What's that now? You want us to come over there and get you? No, we don't offer that service, we are not Uber, no you can't get a discount on the price by walking over here yourself, no.. it.. no... no it does not go lower if you walk in here vs us coming to get you, we don't come to get you.
Just...
No we won't get you a hotel room because now you have to stay overnight in town because you have no car and "nowhere to stay".
No..
It, uh.... look, Ma'm, I have to go now, I seem to be getting this sudden irresistible urge to call my congressman and ask if we can bring back witch burning, and if he agrees with me, that wouldn't bode well for you *SLAM*
What? Whaddaya looking at me like that for? Is there something wrong with burning witches? THey're a renewable resource aren't they? AREN'T THEY?!?!?!??!
Okay, I didn't say that, but certainly was THINKING it as we decided to hang up.
Touchy-Touchy
Most people who make bogus damage complaints (i.e. that dent with the rust streaks down the side that's been corroding since VHS tapes were a thing) we will humor with a complaint form and tell them "the Manager will look this over and if he thinks you have a case, will contact you within 48 hours" and as soon as they go out the door, the form goes in the trash.
But this guy? We told him to his face if he wanted to fill out a damage complaint form, he could, but as soon as he was done with it, it was going in the trash.
He filled it out anyway, we tossed in the trash in front of him.
He says we haven't seen the last of him (Sigh, another aspiring supervillain. What shall we call him when he gets his very own monthly title? Doctor Dentmonger? The Parkmeister? Captain Car-lammity?)
Well, whatever....
I fail to see how any court in the land will side with him that the scratch on the underside of his front bumper was our fault, especially when the gouge in question had clearly been filled in with wrong-color touch up paint. And that paint was not re-scratched.
Well, you gotta admire their persistence....
And by admire, I mean bemoan the fact that dueling with pistols went out of style, It'd be worth the risk at 10 paces to "resolve" this dispute....
Mobile Gun Show
And speaking of conflict resolutions through superior firepower, I for one have enough faith in my people skills that I don't drive around with my personal firearm on the seat of my car, loose. Know what else I don't do? Drive around with a stack of FOURTEEN VARIOUS PISTOLS AND LONGARMS piled up, loose, on the passenger seat.
Someone didn't get THAT memo either.
Because one of our local cops who just pulled a guy over for some minor traffic slight certainly didn't expect to find such a scenario either, yet he did.
To my knowledge there hasn't been a large theft of Lend-Lease quantities of firearms around here. And the driver has all his papers for the truck. Everything seems normal except for there being enough material here to arm at least two octopi and still have room to give them both ice cream cones. But the decision is made to toss the truck. Why the toss?
This is a clear case of "We're going to make life difficult for you in the hopes the inconvenience makes you less inclined to DO RECKLESS AND STUPID SH*T like this in the future" They're going to run the serial number of each and every one of those guns and any more they find in squirreled away for winter in there just to make sure you are the legal owner as you say you are and that none of them are linked to anything nefarious. Because driving around with FOURTEEN GUNS in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT is probable cause that you might just be up to no good or negligent to an almost criminal degree.
The toss pit for the PD is this small little windowless blockhouse addition to the end of the station with a single roll up door. The parking lot is tiny, the door is tiny, the overhead is low.... it's a freaking nightmare as-is to get a vehicle in here, even a tiny one.
And without fail, Mister Second Amendment's vehicle, is a brodozer. Tires and stacks as big as his arsenal.
Why oh why do these Yankee-flavored rapscallions always, always, ALWAYS drive these 30 story tall Ford F-OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAANNNNDDDDD! monstrosities?
It took a 29 point turn, but we did eventually get the dozer into the toss pit, and an hour later, got to take it back out again and ferry it over to impound, since nothing illegal turned up. Mr Brodozer did in fact, own all those guns. Well, at oversize vehicle rates, times two, we saw a tidy profit from our PD towing account, so there's that at least for all the headache.
You know those times when someone complains about the cops harassing them for "no reason"? There is a reason. There is ALWAYS a reason. And frequently, the reason is "They didn't see why it would be an abuse of power to temporarily inconvenience a moron.' And you know what? I agree.
Surprisingly, the gunslinger didn't complain when he came in to get the truck the next morning from impound. I guess he may have actually, SHOCK AND HORROR, learned something?
Naaah, who I am I kidding? He probably went right out and bought more guns. Cuz' this is MURRICAH!
Not Even Wrong
"Why are you towing my car?"
"Where's the parking permit?"
"I was at a party"
"Look at the sign you parked RIGHT in front of.. what does it say? It says "permit only", so where's yours?"
"But... I was at a party"
Uh.... that's not what I asked. Not even close. Notice I didn't say it was a wrong answer? Because it's not a wrong answer, it's not even within the boundaries of the question to be WRONG in the first place....
If I ask "What day of the week is it?" and you say "I like cheese" that wouldn't be a wrong answer, you'd have to get the day wrong first.
The reason I bring this up is I have this very problem, dozens of times a day, without fail, with people under 25..... how can people with allegedly sharp and youthful minds get this BAD at processing information?!
Maybe Mom and Dad were right, maybe video games DO rot your brain. Darn it, I hate when she proves me right again and again and again, guess I'll have to add that to the list of "told-you-so" along with "Who is going to pick that up, the maid?" and "My REAL son is at HARVARD!"
Yes, she'd really say that, I had the designated 'weird Mom' in the neighborhood.
Yup Improves Race Relations.
So, it looks like Yup was the guy who drew the short straw this month and is going to get ALL the raging arseholes.
Aside from Mister "How bad could a felony at the airport possibly be?" he also got, this guy.
For those of you who've never seen him, Yup is a cross between Danny Devito and a recent escapee of an Amish roofing crew. He's as white and hillbilly nerdy as they come.
If you call central casting and ask for an extra to lean against a porch rail and say "Yain't from round' here are ya?" as the hopelessly lost Yuppie protagonist wanders into the bar because his rental broke down and he has no cell service? They'd send you Yup.
Why is this pertinent? Because he was sent out to Alphabet Plaza the other night for a misplaced Chrysler. The owner put it in the lot without a permit, he should have put it on the street.
Naturally, touching the car causes the owner's Spidey-Sense goes off and Yup finds himself face-to-face with someone who must fancy himself a budding rap star, every other word out of this guy's mouth was "The N word"
You know what that means, I know what that means, it also means the rest of this dialogue is going to need to be heavily scrubbed, but don't worry, I do it because I care!
"Yo! Nword! That's my car! What you think you doing? Nword?! Permit? I gots to have a permit? Nword you crazy! I ain't need no permit, Nword! I was just visitin' my Nwords! A hundred effin' dollars? Nword you crazy!"
Yup, finally fed up, says "Sir, can you stop using that word on me?"
"Why not? Nword?" says the guy.
"Because I'm white" Yup says.
His customer does a double blink, and I swear, I'm not making this up, looks Yup right in the face and says:
"YOU A RACIST! .... I'M CALLIN THE COPS!!!!"
"Fine" Yup says "When you want to pay, I'll be over here"
15 minutes go by, and Yup deduced the cops were a bluff, and mister Nword got tired of standing in the cold by himself and decided to pay our "racist asses" after all.
So, let that be a lesson, kids, not letting people call you racial slurs that don't even correspond to your race is ILLEGAL!
You learn something new every day on this job.
Like the myriad of ways people have failed at parenting.
All Fired Up
So, Wednesday night, got a tow for an illegally parked car.
This is a new development that was just constructed ahead of the snowfall. Being new, people are hoping that it's virgin land that civilization and therefore, tow trucks, have not discovered yet. Nope, we had the contract before they even dug the foundation.
To actually build this place, they had to extend the existing street an extra two blocks. And street parking in this neighborhood is not allowed due to the narrowness of said streets (i.e. if you park in the street, other cars may be able to squeeze past, but the borough fire trucks can't get around you), in fact, a few blocks of it are divided parkway where ANY attempt at street parking blocks one side completely.
Ergo, you park off the street in the assigned lot spaces. You don't? You get the Hook of Justice (tm).
Of course, some people just could NOT believe that this would be enforced. Probably because the paving crew didn't get it fully groomed before they had to stop construction for the winter. The "street" isn't actually paved yet, just a proto-layer of crushed gravel and macadam. You know? What pavement looked like when it first crawled out of the ocean 89 million years ago? And all the storm drains and manholes are hovering about 4 inches ABOVE street level? And will until the spring when they finish?
This made it just irresistible bait to the illegal parkers because, well, you can't tow from a street that isn't even FINISHED can you? Spoiler: We can.
The property owner even circulated a memo to his tenants, you may THINK that street isn't a street yet, but it is, and you WILL be towed off of it for blocking a travel lane. And our first victim admitted he discarded the warning because he "didn't think they'd actually do it", his WIFE was quite unhappy with this because he told her to park out there and her SUV was patient zero for the property.
A few dozen tows later and we arrive at last Wednesday night, when someone put their Camaro out in the street and Yup (who else?) went to fetch it.
Naturally, this is when the music on the Jack-in-the-box stopped and owner sproinged from the apartments.
First, he declared that we were doing something illegal. Despite the signage, you know how that one always goes.
Then, he declared we had "damaged his car" Okay, at this point, all Yup had done was slide his claws under the rear tires and pick it up 4 inches, this is your bog-standard drop. How, asks Yup, has a 4 inch lift to the rear tires, damaged anything?
Guy doesn't have an answer, just repeats "you damaged my car!" a couple of dozen times, with Yup asking him to specifically point out the damage, to no avail.
Then, the Grand Finale. When informed of the $95 drop, guy goes "SC Classic" and says he "knows" our owner and "he's going to talk to him Friday" and , wait for it..
YUP WILL BE FIRED!
Yup laughs and says "You are welcome to try, but I'll still be reporting to work Monday"
Nope, HE KNOWS THE OWNER and Yup is fired! And his supervisor (i.e. me who wasn't even there) I'm FIRED TOO!!!! And so will be EVERYONE ELSE!
Even drivers not on shift right now? Apparently so, guy says he'll get "everyone" fired.
Wow, this is turning into a particularly nasty episode of the Oprah show: "YOU get fired! And YOU get fired! And YOU get fired! AND EVERYONE GETS FIRED!!!!!"
Well, Yup's had his chuckle, now he reminds the guy that he has to pay.
Guy says he can't, got no money.
Yup says that's too bad, now he's gonna take the car.
Guy says he can't do that
Yup says "What are you gonna do to that? Get me fired?"
Guy grumbles, bends over, and out of the sock in his right shoe... pulls a sweaty roll of $100 bills and peels the top one off and hands it to Yup, who only took it because he had his gloves on.
He then got clear of there before he could be fired, again.
Yeah, as you may have guessed, nobody got fired. Why oh why do these people think that threat will work?
I did talk to Bossman/Owner the next day to make sure he wasn't waiting for a holiday to do the dirty deed. He wasn't. Oh, and yes, he's quite certain that nobody called him to get us fired and that he doesn't know anyone who drives a Camaro, and yes, anyone who was a customer of the "Bank of Hanes" certainly isn't anyone he'd know or like to get into business with.
Much to Learn Yet, Grasshopper
Yes, we have your car, you illegally parked it. To get it out you'll need photo ID and.... wait what?
You don't have a photo ID, because you don't have a license? All you have is a learner's permit.....
Technically it's against company policy to release this to you as a learner's permit is not a photo ID, just has your bare info on it.
Legally, you cannot drive out of here, a learner's permit is only valid if another licensed driver is in the car. You came alone.
Realistically? Yes, get the hell out of here and go make your smoldering craters on someone else's property, if you can't even get your first time driving right (with alleged supervision) t I really don't want to be standing at Ground Zero with you in the humanoid hurricane that is your apparent life ....
I'll let you live, but May God Have Mercy on our Souls.
You Were Good Son, Real Good
But I am STILL the master!
https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net...f1&oe=5B4E4E91
You almost got that one by me, but your making of an"8" on that stock "13" was betrayed by inconsistency with the secretary's "8" and the fact yours is in dire need of a shave.
And with that, I am going to make like a tree and get out of here..... those who want a happy ending, stop now, those who are gluttons for pathos, continue to COCW for the tragic details of our lost drivers.
Where do these asshats come from, The Sucky Customer School of Not Listening?! Seriously, schmuck, you were told several times what it would actually cost, but apparently your needle is stuck. And then he punches Yup. Oh yeah, that'll really get him his way. 
Riiiiggghhhttt. You're throwing around the N-word left, right and center, and Yup is the racist here. 
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