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Apparently I am a criminal mastermind. Also, spankings.
  #1  
Old 08-19-2007, 07:49 PM
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Gravekeeper Gravekeeper is offline
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Default Apparently I am a criminal mastermind. Also, spankings.

( "I am a" even. Curse you inability to edit thread titles. )



Keyboard Shortcuts

SC: "It says to hit any key to continue. I'm hitting the any key but nothings happening!"

Wait, you're hitting the any key? Do you seriously think you have a keyboard with an any key or are you just blissfully unaware of what is quite possibly the oldest joke on the Internet? I'm going to vote on the latter option, personally. I doubt you can be trusted to even hit a key on a keyboard properly. Heck, I've been talking to you people on this account for a couple of years now and frankly I wouldn't trust one of you to open a bag of chips. You'd probably burn your eyebrows off.



Needs

SC: "I need to speak to Mark!"
Me: "Mark? I'm sorry but there's no one in this office by that name."
SC: "BUT I REALLY NEED MARK YOU SON OF A BITCH"

…..I have no idea where Mark is, but I'd love to know because obviously his hiding place is working. I hope he has room for two. Scooch over Mark, I need into the Emergency Bitch Fallout Shelter too. I have enough Beaverbuzz and Corn Nuts here to last us till Monday. Hopefully the residual werewench level will have dropped down to a safe level by then.



Waste of Oxygen

Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "Its xxx-xxx-xxxx"
Me: "Ok, xxx-xxx-xxxx?"
SC: "Yeah, but that's not in service anymore so let me give you another one."

Then why did you even give it to me? Thank you for wasting 20 seconds of both of your lives. I'm sure the sensation of wasting your life is familiar too you, but its still rather foreign to me. Its depressing, smells odd and kind of itches. I'd rather not repeat the experience. So before you go off on any other such ventures into useless information I'm going to have to ask you to do something rather drastic: Try to be constructive for the next 60 seconds or at least until you get off the phone. A tall order, I know. But I'm sure if you put your mind too ( A task akin to holding a wet Milk Dud against a brick wall. ) you'll succeed.



Writing Instrument

Me: "Do you have a pen there?"
SC: "Sure, let me get a pencil…"
Me: "…."
SC: "…."
Me: "…."
SC: "…."

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "get a pencil" not "painstakingly whittle a makeshift pencil from a piece of charcoal using a plastic butter knife from KFC.". It's ok. I'll wait.



Undeniable Facts

Me: "Good evening, <company name>."
SC: "Yeah, could I get a cab?"
Me: "I'm sorry, you have the wrong number-"
SC: "No I don't."
Me: "….yes, you do."

This isn't up for debate. It's not like you're going to deftly convince me that I am in fact a taxi through the cunning use of counterpoints. Thus emboldening me to run outside the office, break into the nearest car, hot wire it, drive it to Home Depot to buy some spray paint, spend the next hour painting it a lively lemon yellow, add black racing strips with indelible marker then drive it all the way to your location to pick up your drunken teetering skankcamel ass. Not going to happen.



House of Ill Repute

SC: "Yeah there's a huge party going on in the suite above me. Its really loud!"
Me: "For loud parties I have to advise you to call the police."
SC: "Oh, ok. I just wanted to call you first since we don't want police coming to the building. It would give the building a bad rep."

Ah, yes, because the raging drunken baboon orgy going on in the suite above you is giving the building a certain level of class and elegance you wouldn't want to disrupt. I hear dry heaving over a balcony while your friend spanks you with the neighbor's cat while yelling "THIS. IS. SPARTA~!@" is quite trendy this summer.



Deception

SC: "I just made a payment with ya'lls machine to x company and it hasn't gone through yet!~"
Me: "Alright, did the machine tell you what the processing time would be for x company before you made the payment?"
SC: "It said 1-3 business days! YA'LLS MISLEADIN' If I'daknown it take that long I never woulda used yer machine!~"
Me: "Does your receipt have the processing time on it at the bottom?"
( These aren't subtle hints, mouth breather. )
SC: "Yeah, it says 1-3 business days. YA'LLS NOTTA CONTRACTED COMPANY WITH COMPANY X~# YA'LLS MISLEADIN""
( Yeah, we just randomly send money to company x for no apparent reason which they accept without question. )
Me: "The payment has to be processed through the bank so it won't process till the next business day."
SC: "YA'LLS NOT A CONTRACTED COMPANY! Ya'lls misleadin' and dishonest!"
Me: "We *are* a contracted company with company x."
SC: "NO YEWS NOT! Yews don't have can put the payment right into their system so yews not a contracted company! Ya'lls MISLEADIN!$"
Me: "Yes, we are. Your payment will process Monday morning. The receipt did indicate the processing time."
SC: "YA'LLS MISLEADIN'. I want a refund#~!"
Me: "I can arrange that if you really want. However, our office is closed over the weekend so a refund would not be processed till Monday."
SC: "Thats alright. I want my refund! I don't wanna do no business with you."
( You know, cus we'alls misleadin' )
Me: "Ok, but you know your payment WILL process on Monday morning anyway so-"
SC: "I don't care! I wanna refund. You mislead me and I don't wanna do no business with you."
Me: "Alright then."

Alright, pardon my French a moment, but how the flying pine tree stump fucking hell is your inability to read, comprehend and take responsibility for yourself OUR fault? Do you regularly take clothes back to Walmart because Walmart told you they wouldn't come to your house and pull your panties up for you? Do you take toilet paper back to Safeway because the staff told you they wouldn't wipe your ass for you?

Cthulu damn you people, what the fark DO you consider inside the realm of your own personal responsibility? Chewing? Breathing? Masturbation? Or is even that up for grabs? Hell you're probably trying to sue Vaseline as we speak.








Days off....( I so need them. )

Last edited by Gravekeeper; 08-19-2007 at 07:54 PM.

  #2  
Old 08-19-2007, 07:58 PM
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Greenday Greenday is offline
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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
I hear dry heaving over a balcony while your friend spanks you with the neighbor's cat while yelling "THIS. IS. SPARTA~!@" is quite trendy this summer.
*spits Chinese food all over my laptop*

Damn you Gravekeeper! I have to say, this is possibly the funniest stuff I've read in a long time.
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  #3  
Old 08-19-2007, 08:49 PM
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Rapscallion Rapscallion is offline
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Quote:
Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
( "I am a" even. Curse you inability to edit thread titles. )
Done!

Rapscallion

  #4  
Old 08-19-2007, 08:59 PM
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MystyGlyttyr MystyGlyttyr is offline
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Quote:
Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
Deception
<snip>
SC: "I don't care! I wanna refund. You mislead me and I don't wanna do no business with you."
Me: "Alright then."
So THAT'S where Seed Feed Guy wound up! I was wondering if he had left the state or not.

MOD EDIT:
Please edit quotes.
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Last edited by NightAngel; 08-24-2007 at 05:14 PM.

  #5  
Old 08-19-2007, 09:15 PM
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MrSunshineState MrSunshineState is offline
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Quote:
Quoth Gravekeeper View Post

Undeniable Facts

Me: "Good evening, <company name>."
SC: "Yeah, could I get a cab?"
Me: "I'm sorry, you have the wrong number-"
SC: "No I don't."
Me: "….yes, you do."
Just because my curiosity is sparked.....what type of company did this person call?

  #6  
Old 08-19-2007, 09:22 PM
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Gravekeeper Gravekeeper is offline
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Quoth MrSunshineState View Post
Just because my curiosity is sparked.....what type of company did this person call?
Honestly? The corporate office for a chain of pizza places

The company name even has the word Pizza in it.



Thanks Raps. ^^

  #7  
Old 08-19-2007, 09:23 PM
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Quote:
Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
your friend spanks you with the neighbor's cat while yelling "THIS. IS. SPARTA~!@" is quite trendy this summer.

Can't... God. Does the friend then upend the dryheaver over the balcony to the primal beat of drums? Is there blasphemy somewhere in this? Or maybe it's just heinous.

  #8  
Old 08-19-2007, 09:26 PM
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Quote:
SC: "BUT I REALLY NEED MARK YOU SON OF A BITCH"
Hey, doesn't Dips work with a Mark? Perhaps they were trying to reach her company
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  #9  
Old 08-19-2007, 09:27 PM
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MrSunshineState MrSunshineState is offline
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Quote:
Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
Honestly? The corporate office for a chain of pizza places

The company name even has the word Pizza in it.
Maybe they took that Capt Morgan commercial too seriously and think pizza places really can have a driver take them home?

  #10  
Old 08-19-2007, 09:41 PM
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GK i thought it was kicking them off the balcony screaming this i sparta while spanking your girlfriend with the cat....
with a bacon bikini....
and a las vegas bunny girl...
and (insert other GK thread reference)
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