(My first post here, because this story simply must be shared.)
This was my first call of the day. Right at 8:02, the phone rings.
Me: "Thank you for calling Fabulous_Web_Hosting, this is (me). May I have your domain name please?"
Asshat: "Where are you located?"
Me: "Atlanta, Georgia"
Asshat: "Okay, I'll talk to you then" (rant follows about outsourcing and how he refuses to speak to anyone outside this country, we need to keep the jobs in the U.S., etc.)
Me: "So what can I do for you today?"
Asshat: "YOU STOLE MY IDENTITY! YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SECURITY OF MY INFORMATION! I AM CONTACTING MY LAWYER..." (another rant. I finally figure out that he is upset that his name, address, and phone number have appeared on the WHOIS information for his domain name)
Me: "Okay sir, I can send you the username and password to change the WHOIS information for that site."
Asshat: "I WANT IT CHANGED ON ALL MY SITES! YOU HAVE VIOLATED MY SECURITY! YOU STOLE MY IDENTITY! MY IDENTITY WAS STOLEN!" (the rant begins again) "I'M GOING TO CONTACT MY LAWYER AND HE'S GOING TO DRAG THE CASE OUT FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND DRAIN MONEY FROM EVERYONE'S ACCOUNTS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO TELL HIM TO DO! I'M RECORDING THIS CALL - I'M GOING TO SEND IT TO MY LAWYER!" (rant continues)
Me: "Okay sir, I need to know what other sites you have."
Asshat: "I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! I WANT ONE LOGIN TO CHANGE THE INFORMATION FOR ALL MY SITES! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THE SHIT YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH TO GET PRIVACY! I GOT SPAM - PORNOGRAPHY - PENIS ENLARGEMENTS - NOTHING BUT PORN! I'VE NEVER VISITED A PORN SITE IN MY LIFE! TWENTY YEARS OF WORKING WITH COMPUTERS AND I'VE NEVER SEEN..."
Me: .o(so, he's a technician who doesn't know how WHOIS information or spammers work, and has never seen a porn site?) "Sir, that's not possible. The registrar keeps a seperate account for each domain name"
Asshat: "YES IT IS! I USED TO DO IT BEFORE!"
Me: "Sir, the registrar deals with domains on a name-by-name basis. It is not possible to have a single account for multiple domain names with this registrar. I can't look up a domain if I don't know it exists. I need to know the domains that you want me to look up." (I finally convince asshat to give me the list of his domain names. He has 6. All that bitching and moaning about having to think of 6 domain names. As it turns out, 5 of them are with Somebody_Else - not us.)
Me: "Sir, it looks like these names are with Somebody_Else. I don't have access to manage Somebody_Else accounts - I'd have to refer you to that company."
Asshat: "I WANT ONE SPACE TO MANAGE ALL MY DOMAIN NAMES! THAT'S WHAT I WANT! THAT'S WHAT I PAID FOR!" (more bitching) "THIS IS ILLEGAL! I'M GOING TO SUE! I'VE BEEN IN LAW A LONG TIME!" (more bitching)
Me: .o(so now he's a lawyer?) "Sir. These accounts are with Somebody_Else. That is a seperate company. We do not have access to Somebody_Else accounts."
The next 45 minutes can be expressed as:
echo "Asshat: I WANT ONE SPACE TO MANAGE ALL MY DOMAIN NAMES! THAT'S WHAT I WANT! THAT'S WHAT I PAID FOR! (more bitching) THIS IS ILLEGAL! I'M GOING TO SUE!";
echo "Me: Sir. These accounts are with Somebody_Else. That is a seperate company. We do not have access to Somebody_Else accounts.";
Asshat: "I'VE GONE AFTER PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE! I HAVE SUED OTHER PEOPLE! I WENT AFTER ONE GUY PHYSICALLY! HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR A LONG TIME!"
Me: ...o(so now he's a mafioso? this is one busy guy!)
Asshat: "YEAH - WE MESSED HIM UP PRETTY BAD! HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR A LONG TIME!"
Me: "Okay sir, you're talking to the lowest ranking person in the company right now. The way WHOIS data works - outsourcing - all of that - I can't do anything about any of it. You're talking to the grunt in Tier 1 Tech support. All that I can do is provide you the information to change the WHOIS info on this account - which I have already done - and to send you over to Somebody_Else to get your accounts with them handled there."
I give our highly experienced PC technician instructions for using the website to change his WHOIS info. Apparently, he's also a PC tech for 20 years who can't figure out how to use a website.
The best part - on this phone call that he was recording for his lawyer, he states that he is deliberately providing false information to the registrar.
Which is illegal.
Asshat: (more yelling) "I HAVE GONE AFTER PEOPLE PHYSICALLY FOR THIS! I PUT A GUY IN THE HOSPITAL FOR A LONG TIME! YOU'RE ENDANGERING YOURSELF AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY"
Me: "Sir, did you say you were recording this call?"
Asshat: "Yes, of course."
Me: "Then you need to be very careful with this conversation. Making threats across state lines is a federal offense."
Asshat: "I know what I'm doing. I know more about the law than you - I've been in it longer. If you want to call your attorney..."
Me: "I don't want to call an attorney. I'm just trying to help you out."
Asshat: "Well I know more about the law than you do" (brief bitching)
Me: .o(so now he's a lawyer again?) "Okay, I still have to get you transferred over to Somebody_Else."
Asshat: "All right, but I refuse to speak to anyone outside of the United States"
Me: "Sir, the only people available today are the people in the Philippines."
Asshat: "I refuse to speak to anyone outside of this country."
Me: "Okay sir, but I don't have access to your Somebody_Else accounts. If you want to get them managed, the only people who can do that are the Somebody_Else people in the Philippines."
Asshat: (more screaming - rant about how they don't speak English. Interesting fact - the Philippines were an American colony. English is an official language there.) "I BETTER HAVE ONE PLACE TO MANAGE ALL OF MY ACCOUNTS BY 5:00 TOMORROW AFTERNOON OR THIS WILL GET UGLY! THIS IS WHAT I WANT! THIS IS WHAT I PAID FOR! YOU STOLE MY IDENTITY!" (it starts all over again)
Me: "Okay sir, we can transfer the one account you have here to Somebody_Else, but since your other accounts are with them, you're still gong to have to speak to one of the Somebody_Else reps in order to manage those accounts."
Asshat agrees to be transferred. I warn the poor bastard in the Philippines about this guy - he advises that asshat already called them once this morning. I suggest he document everything, and that I'm doing the same. Management for both of our sides can handle it on Monday.
So, after all of this, my coworker and I start Googling the bastard. As it turns out, he is a photographer - or was. There are no records of his photography studio newer than 2003. It's no wonder - his work is mediocre at best and he sued 2 of his former clients. He tried to sue 1 of them for 14 trillion dollars. No, I'm not kidding.
Apparently, he was an asshat to the judge then too, because the documentation of that case reads like a case study for "don't piss off a judge."
Before that, supposedly, he was an electrical engineer.
So - I've been threatened by the electrical engineer photographer PC technician lawyer mafioso today. Maybe I should be flattered that he took time out of his busy schedule to verbally abuse me for 90 minutes. That's 90 minutes where he could have been taking pictures of the job he was doing rewiring his law office and setting up his new servers while whacking a snitch.
But never looking at porn.
Damn. I'm important.