SC's Guide to Supermarket Shopping

[South Texan]

60. If there is no sample of the product available, feel free to break all the safety seals on the box and open the product to remove as much of the stuff as you want to see what it is like. The store wants you to do this to make an educated purchase even if you were just bored and never had any intention of purchasing anything to begin with. When you are through, simply crumple up the box and leave it and its opened contents on the shelf – either the one it was on or anywhere else in the store that strikes your fancy.

61. Any and all fresh fruit is available for your noshing while shopping. The store will be happy that you enjoyed a snack while shopping. When you have eaten your fill, drop the peels or cores or seeds on the floor or any shelf, display area, or other surface. NEVER use a trash can as someone is paid to tidy up the store and you don't want them to lose their job! If you have an attack of conscience and decide to pay for what you ate, just hand the core or peel to the cashier when you check out and they will be able to figure out what the original weight was and what the cost should be.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

And a couple more, for a department store with a decent-size grocery section:

62. When buying large items such as furniture, treadmills, home gyms and big screen TVs, drive up in a small vehicle like a Geo Metro and tell the clerk loading your merchandise "You should be able to fit it in there!"

63. If you must bring an SUV or a van, cram it full of groceries, purchases from other stores, random garbage, or your 8 kids before buying large merchandise requiring carryout.

64. The electric carts at the front of the store are for your amusement. Feel free to drive them even if you are not disabled.

65. Same applies to wheelchairs. We think it is cute when teenagers push their teenaged friends around in them.

66. Feel free to call the store and list a bunch of items you want the clerks to retrieve for you and have bagged at the service desk waiting for you to come in and pay. The clerks have nothing better to do.

67. AND DON'T FORGET RULE #8! Tattoo it to your hand if necessary. (we do carry bread and eggs at my store)

68. Also, feel free to let your toddlers and small children roam around the store like free-range cattle and wreck things. The clerks are more than happy to act as babysitters.

69. Don't return your carts to the corrals in the parking lot when you are done with them. We have workers to retrieve them from the lot.

70. If you have food garbage or dirty diapers, leave them in your cart, in the parking lot, NOT in the corral.

71. Did I mention remember rule #8?

[MystyGlyttyr]

72. Remember, YOU are the number one concern of the store. Not the cashiers, not the stores, especially not the other customers. If other customers dare to question your royalness, make sure to remind them viciously of your connections to the mayor/police chief/city council member/Jesse Ventura.

73. Rule 8! 8888888888888888!!

[South Texan]

74. If the store is out of anything – even fresh, live lobsters – demand that any clerk (regardless of whether that clerk has anything to do with that section) go and check if there are any more in the back area of the store. Every store has a magical storage room at its back end that contains more of anything that is not in stock on the shelves right now or might have once been sold at that location regardless of whether the item is on back order across the nation, has not been carried by that store for more than ten years or was discontinued by its manufacturer thirty years ago. If the clerk tries to tell you that there are none in the back, assume he or she is just lazy or stupid and keep asking others until you get the answer you are wanting.

[Becks]

75. Never forget that the clerk is at fault for time restraints on selling beer and also for the time varying on Sunday. Those damn clerks will try to annoy anyway they can!

76. Clerks are thrill seekers by nature. (a) Feel free to take your time locating change. (b) Tell the clerk all about the coin, how it was found and it's good luck, from your Grandma, how it doesn't buy what it used to, etc. (c) Protect your rights in defending all slugs from being refused, again, they are thrill seekers and don't mind coming up short and being suspect to security as thieves (d) Take your time in insisting they search every coin for the newest state coin or the one you are missing, the customer is always #1!!! Remember they love thrills! The thoughts of a long line of customers yelling at them to hurry up, complaining about them and tooling in the cash drawer too long THRILLS them...you're really doing them a favor!!!!

77. Don't forget that they're dumb, you need to save money!!! If a bunch of broccoli costs
$1.00 and broccoli florets $2.00, tell them your florets are just a regular bunch of broccoli.
They don't know the difference, and it goes back to the thrill seeker in possibly being caught as a thief. This also works with cabbage/lettuce and a host of other items throughout the store.

78. Don't let them tell you coupons are just like cash! Coupons are only cash on your side, it's just colored paper on their side. A $2.00 dog food coupon should work on your milk purchase etc. and the $5.00 coupon for a razor..., buy one package of Ramen Noodles and THEY will owe YOU change!! Think people!!!!!!!!!!!

79. If your clerk does not seem interested in your diarrhea, club foot, oozing wound or any other part of you...report him!

80. If your clerk doesn't understand your particular language, don't worry! Just report the clerk and shame the store for not hiring bilingual clerks..after all, this is AMERICA!

81. Don't forget Rule #8!!!!!!!!

[repsac]

Rules for Clothing stores:

82: Everything is returnable. Even something you've kept and worn a few times. Clerks don't mind having to figure out how to sell that disco suit you bought back in the seventies. They love the challenge.

83: Everyone else has to pay a restocking fee but you.

84: Layaway is just a kind of down payment. Once you pay the minium, you don't have to come back. Don't worry, they love your business so much they'll keep it for you.

85: Don't forget Rule 8. The death penalty is being applied to this one in many states!

86: If your method of payment is declined, remember it is always the clerk's fault.

86a: If your check is declined automatically, make the cashier run it through again. Maybe it was a fluke.

Collary to 86: If the method of payment is declined, feel free to brag how much money you have in the bank. The clerks love hearing how wealthy you are.

87: If you lose your card, report it stolen, and then find it; don't bother to call the card company and tell them. The clerks will trust you when you tell them this.

88: Remember, they only check ID because they're trying to steal your identity. Don't forget to remind them of this.

For Hardware Stores:

89: Don't worry if you don't know what the part looks like. Just describe it as vagule as you can and the employee will still find it.

90: Just because your po box key says "DO NOT COPY" doesn't mean the clerk won't copy it for you.

91: Remember: Display chairs and tables are for sitting upon, loungin, dozing, or sleeping.

92: If all else fails, threaten to speak to management.

92a: If you are speaking to management, threaten to call the customer care line.

92b: If there is no CCL, threaten to call home office.

93: Remember, clerks love hearing stories about what ails you. Why else would they ask "how are you today?" Feel free to go into graphic detail about that boil on your rear.

[ladylabyrinth]

94. The customer is ALWAYS right, no matter what the clerk, supe, manager, DM, or owner/CEO/President/etc says.

95. If you're not getting your way when being nice, switching to a complete EB with all the frills (screaming, name calling) will definitely get you there.

96. If you're dealing with a call center, and the person you're speaking to has an American accent (from ANY part of the nation) be sure to double check that you're talking to the USA! Those call centers are sneaky, and have the money to pay actors to imitate every possible American accent out there. Don't let them send the jobs out of the Yoo Ess of Ayy! (side note: I do wish they wouldn't outsource overseas, but that's a rant for someplace else.)

97. All problems with stupid customer service people can be solved by a threat: threaten to take your business elsewhere, threaten to call the Better Business Bureau, threaten to call your lawyer and sue, threaten the rep, threaten the rep's family.

98. If the above rules don't work, call back and try a different rep, or go to a different store. The next person (or store) will definitely give you what you want, even if it's against store/company policy.

99. Please flirt with the girl clerks/call reps. They love it. They're just dying to have some skeezy guy tell them how hawt they are (or how they should be a phone sex operator).

100. Take all the above rules* and throw them out the window. Do as you damn well please, after all, they're working there to serve YOU, not to pay the bills, or get relevant experience, or get through college. It's called customer SERVICE for a reason. These people are mere wage-slaves, and don't deserve basic courtesy or decency. EVAR.

*Except for Rule No. 8!

[Pagan]

101. When you've gotten your change, this is a perfect time to rearrange your purse. The clerk is just standing there holding your bag, waiting to hand it you. Never mind the bazillion people waiting in line behind you!

102. If you forget Rule No. 8, a rip will form in the space-time continuum that not even Captain Kirk could fix!!

[Dips]

103. If you aren't shopping at Everywhere Else (the store that does anything you want), be sure to frequently mention how poorly the store you are shopping at compares with it:

"Everywhere Else takes my checks."

"I can get carryouts Everywhere Else."

"Everywhere Else has it."

104. If you don't like what an employee is telling you, just mention that "Someone" or "Somebody" told you differently. If the employee dares to try to get a description of Someone or even implies that Someone doesn't exist, be sure to complain to his manager.

105. Coupons really are just like cash (re: rule 78). As a matter of fact, making you buy something to use them is a scam. Next time, just go into the store with a fistful of coupons (it doesn't matter if they are expired, of course) and demand that they just give you the face value in cash. If they balk, tell them it's the LAW!

106. Speaking of laws, everyone knows that the cashier is solely repsonsible for passing the law to collect sales tax in your state. Be sure to let her know what you think of it.

107. If the cashier forgets to remind you about rule 8, your entire order is FREE!

[Jester]

Rules for Restaurant and Bars:

108. When ordering alcoholic beverages, if they ask for your ID, just look at them and say, "But I'm 28!" (or however old you are). Your word should be enough to satisfy them, no matter what that pesky state law says.

109. Demand your food be brought to you after you have waited no more than five or ten minutes, even if you ordered a well-done dish or one that is complex in nature or that has a lot of special requests by you. Seriously, how long can it take to make stuff, anyway? It's not like they have other people waiting for food also, is it?

110. Remind the server repeatedly of your special requests, even after they have written it down and repeated it back to you. You KNOW they are going to try to get sneaky and bring you onions when you didn't want any....those scoundrels!

111. Talk on your cellphone all you want when the server is trying to take the order. After all, they can read your mind and don't need you to actually SPEAK your order.

112. Repeatedly ask why the item you wanted that was discontinued over a year ago is not on the menu. The servers are the ones who control such things, after all.

113. Insist that they take your personal check for the meal, even after they have told you repeatedly that that establishment does not take personal checks as payment. Geez, it's not as if most restaurants don't take personal checks anymore, now is it?* [*This rule does not apply in Minnesota, where everyone apparently takes checks for everything anyway.]

114. If the establishment is out of something, demand that the server trot on down to the grocery store and pick up said item. It is not as if they have other things to do, other customers to wait on, or a till/register to mind, now is it?

115. Bargain with the server about drink prices. After all, they don't mind being short on their drawer at the end of the day, just as long as you are happy with the deal you got on your drinks.

116. Demand that they make something special for your child that they not only don't have on the menu, they don't even have in stock in the establishment. Nothing is too much trouble where your precious brood are concerned. If the server for some strange reason balks at this, employ rule #114.

117. If you plan on doing grocery shopping after dining, please, whatever you do, don't forget rule #8! Heck, remind your server of it before you leave, even though the only way they would be dealing with your eggs and bread is if they bring it to you on a plate.

[Crow The Robot]

For lots:
118.) Drive throught the lot with total disregard to people or property. After all, they are the ones responsible if anything happens.
119) Feel free to leave carts in the middle of a spot, even if you are right next door to a corral. They have people who are paid to bring carts in.
120)Feel free to shove your cart and the cartpusher, and if it hits them laugh, after all they aree being paid.
121) Let your precious angel walk in and out of the cart doors, they're more important than anything else.
122) "Enter" and "Exit" are only suggestions.
123)Stand in front of the cart doors, you can stand anywhere you want.
124) Always leave trash in carts. Why should you through away your, bannana, peels, fast food wrappers, dirty diapers. etc.? They have people who are paid to do this.
125) DO NOT forget Rule #8.

[friendofjimmyk]

14. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their
SOMETHING keys very often.

( the "something" keys - that's great!)

More for call centers:

126. If I cannot understand what you are saying, please be sure to holler into your phone as I am the one that must be deaf.
127. When I am asking questions that I absolutely need to complete the call, be sure you ask several times if I really need all that information.
128. When I answer your question, please be sure to express your doubt in my answer even though I have assured you that was so. In fact, later in the conversation, be sure to ask me the same question, only worded differently in an attempt to trick me into answering it differently.
129. If I discover you are at a Supermarket, I will remind you of Rule #8 and the stiff penalties that you will incur if you do not follow it!

[Bella_Vixen]

130. For the love of humanity--REMEMBER RULE #8!!!!!

[Primer]

umm.....what's rule #8?
I forgot....

Primer ducks the flying eggs!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

umm.....what's rule #8?
I forgot....

Primer ducks the flying eggs!

THAT'S IT! INTO THE CHIPPER WITH YOU!