Mr. Assfurter By Ace Of Diamonds
Another oldie but goodie... the ever popular- Mr. Assfurter.
Thanks to XCashier for saving this one for us.
Here's another story I posted on the old boards about a year back. I was reminded of it when I went out the other night to get a few groceries. Some ijjit was complaining to the store manager that he'd been short-changed by a cashier earlier that day, and demanded his money back. The manager offered to review the security tapes in the customer's presence, but -- no big shocker -- the customer would have none of it. He said something about he didn't like being called a liar, and that they'd lost his business for good. (The manager didn't seem too upset by that.) So I was wondering what stories you guys might have of customers getting caught in a lie by the security tape. I've got several myself, but this is by far the best one:
Long long ago, in a jewelry store far far away, an overbearing yuppie assfurter wanted a ridiculously low price on a watch (IIRC, about one-third of list). Naturally, I wouldn't give it to him. So, in the classic SC tradition, Mr. Assfurter decided to pitch a hissy. Said I was rude. Said every other store was willing to haggle. Said I wouldn't get his business if I wouldn't "play fair" with him. Yawn. In fact, it was all mildly entertaining; at least until I actually smiled a bit -- betraying, I suppose, my state of reluctant amusement. And I can only presume that Mr. Assfurter's two or three functioning neurons perceived that I was mocking him, because he then turned kinda purple in the face and called me a "cheap Jew bastard."
That wasn't entertaining. I ordered him out of the store.
Mr. Assfurter repeated the slur, with addition of a couple more choice adjectives, and told me to perform a physically impossible act upon myself. My oh my, that was still less entertaining! I ordered him out once again, and started to walk out from behind the counter.
Surprisingly, perhaps, he didn't argue further. He exited quickly, but not without a parting admonition that I hadn't heard the last of him, and that NOBODY treats him like an asshole and gets away with it. NOBODY!
Yeah, right. Like I'd never heard that one before. While I do take threats seriously, I wasn't precisely quaking in my boots over it. Besides, I had plenty of other work to do. I didn't figure I'd see the fool again.
I was wrong. Maybe an hour later, guess who returns? That's right, my old buddy Mr. Assfurter. Only now he's not alone. Now he's got two policemen with him. He points a finger at me and says, "Officers, that's the man who punched me."
PUNCHED him? WTF?? Well, kids, time to play back the security footage....
Beats the hell out of me why Mr. Assfurter wouldn't have figured a jewelry store would have security cams, but I guess he just didn't think of it. Oh, did I mention that our security cams also had a pretty good audio setup?
Let's just say the officers weren't amused by Mr. Assfurter's videotaped antics. Let's also say the officers weren't impressed with Mr. Assfurter's muttered protestations that I must have "done something" to the tape after he left. Let's further say that the senior of the two officers -- a large and imposing gentleman with a distinctly Jewish surname -- didn't assume a look of gentle beneficence on his face while he watched and listened to Mr. Assfurter calling me a cheap Jew bastard. Let's lastly say that I doubt Mr. Assfurter got home at a reasonable hour that night.
I dunno what ultimately happened. I gave the tape to the cops, who advised me that I'd get a call about the matter at some later date. But I never did hear from them. I suppose it's possible that the whole thing just fell by the wayside eventually. I'd prefer to believe that Mr. Assfurter found himself in a big stinking heap of dung for filing a fraudulent police report, and that the tape alone was all the evidence needed against him.
And no, I never saw Mr. Assfurter again either.
"I don't want any part of your crazy cult! I'm already a member of the public library and that's good enough for me, thanks!"