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...of CANTELOUPE!!
Yes, I realize this requires details. Details of which I'm not sure I'm all that clear on myself...
So, last night, I made a grocery list after going through my pantry and fridge, and today I schlepped up the street to the nearby grocery store. I like this place because they usually have fresh produce at fantastic prices. Seriously, last time I was there, $20 got me apples, kiwi, bananas, green beans, potatoes, tomatoes, strawberries, mushrooms, carrots, watermelon and onions. It's a happy place, for me, because I love fresh fruits and veggies.
Anyways, when I get there, I see they're having a sale on canteloupe, a buy one get one free deal, so roughly, I get 2 canteloupe for $1.50. I happily tote my cart over there and then begin the process of thumping and testing the melons for freshness and firmness.
And...it all goes downhill from there...
Out of the corner of my eye, I see this woman, probably in her 40s, maybe 50s come up to the display, so I shift over to give her room, and am instead surprised when she starts shouting at me that I have to stop damaging the store's goods, that I'm ruining it for everyone else, and how DARE I destroy the fruit and put it back!?!!!!eleventy!!
I can only stare in shock at first before I vaguely smile, put two canteloupe in my cart and walk away, figuring that's the only way to respond to the insanity, and it would effectively end the confrontation. Oh, no...the harridan follows me. And screams at me some more as I try to find bananas that aren't bruised...and apples...and finally, while I'm picking out onions, I turn to her and have to respond.
"Excuse me for doing what everyone else is doing! I'm just making sure nothing I get is going bad or has bruises. Now leave me alone!"
Holy hell was that a mistake!! She starts screaming bloody murder, runs over to the nearest employee and physically DRAGS him over to where I'm standing, demanding I be arrested and thrown out for...molesting the fruit. She actually said molesting...
The employee stares at me, stunned. I stare at him, equally stunned. (and getting really, really pissed off!) I then suggest he find a manager. And upon finding one, the following conversation ensues.
Me: Poor, harassed college student who just wants fresh fruitses.
M: Manager
SE: Store employee. (poor guy...)
LP: Loss prevention guy/security guard
CFL: Crazy fruit lady
CFL: She needs to be banned! She's destroying store property!
M: <Looks at me, confused> Ma'am, is this true?
Me: If by destroying, you mean searching through the fruits looking for the ripest, then yes...
M: <To SE> Did you witness any of this destruction?
CFL: Yes! That's why I brought him over, to throw her out!
SE: Er...I was just stocking the broccoli...I saw her <gestures to me> Over by the apples, sorting through them and putting some in a bag before she <gestures to CFL> grabbed me and dragged me over, screaming about someone damaging property.
CFL: She was MOLESTING the MELONS.
Me: <I really can't help myself at this point> Sounds like someone's been molesting your melon for way too long, lady...
CFL: What did you say to me?!
Me: Nothing!!
M: I really don't see the problem here, ma'am. Now, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the other customers alone, they're just trying to shop.
CFL: <Foams at mouth, screams some more, and I try to slip away>
CFL: <Yanks on the employees arm and shoves him at me - realize this guy is maybe 5'6", and 150 lbs, if he's lucky...I'm half a foot taller, and way heavier, so I have to essentially catch him> Stop her! You all have lousy customer service! I'll never shop here again!!
M: That's right you won't. <gestures LP over who'd been watching the whole thing> Because you just assaulted one of my employees and harassed a customer. You're gone.
LP: <comes over and takes CFL by the arm, leading her away>
CFL: <Starts screaming louder> You can't do this, I'm a member of NAACP!! I'll have you arrested. You're racist <insert stream of profanity here>!!
M: <Looks at SE, then himself, who are also black> Yeah, I'm sure that'll go somewhere. You two ok?
Me: Sure...can I go get some cucumbers now, or will I be arrested for public lewdness...?
M: I think you'll be fine...
SE: <Snorts and laughs>
Aaaand, the rest of my shopping trip was uneventful after that...thank the gods...
Yes, I realize this requires details. Details of which I'm not sure I'm all that clear on myself...
So, last night, I made a grocery list after going through my pantry and fridge, and today I schlepped up the street to the nearby grocery store. I like this place because they usually have fresh produce at fantastic prices. Seriously, last time I was there, $20 got me apples, kiwi, bananas, green beans, potatoes, tomatoes, strawberries, mushrooms, carrots, watermelon and onions. It's a happy place, for me, because I love fresh fruits and veggies.
Anyways, when I get there, I see they're having a sale on canteloupe, a buy one get one free deal, so roughly, I get 2 canteloupe for $1.50. I happily tote my cart over there and then begin the process of thumping and testing the melons for freshness and firmness.
And...it all goes downhill from there...
Out of the corner of my eye, I see this woman, probably in her 40s, maybe 50s come up to the display, so I shift over to give her room, and am instead surprised when she starts shouting at me that I have to stop damaging the store's goods, that I'm ruining it for everyone else, and how DARE I destroy the fruit and put it back!?!!!!eleventy!!
I can only stare in shock at first before I vaguely smile, put two canteloupe in my cart and walk away, figuring that's the only way to respond to the insanity, and it would effectively end the confrontation. Oh, no...the harridan follows me. And screams at me some more as I try to find bananas that aren't bruised...and apples...and finally, while I'm picking out onions, I turn to her and have to respond.
"Excuse me for doing what everyone else is doing! I'm just making sure nothing I get is going bad or has bruises. Now leave me alone!"
Holy hell was that a mistake!! She starts screaming bloody murder, runs over to the nearest employee and physically DRAGS him over to where I'm standing, demanding I be arrested and thrown out for...molesting the fruit. She actually said molesting...
The employee stares at me, stunned. I stare at him, equally stunned. (and getting really, really pissed off!) I then suggest he find a manager. And upon finding one, the following conversation ensues.
Me: Poor, harassed college student who just wants fresh fruitses.
M: Manager
SE: Store employee. (poor guy...)
LP: Loss prevention guy/security guard
CFL: Crazy fruit lady
CFL: She needs to be banned! She's destroying store property!
M: <Looks at me, confused> Ma'am, is this true?
Me: If by destroying, you mean searching through the fruits looking for the ripest, then yes...
M: <To SE> Did you witness any of this destruction?
CFL: Yes! That's why I brought him over, to throw her out!
SE: Er...I was just stocking the broccoli...I saw her <gestures to me> Over by the apples, sorting through them and putting some in a bag before she <gestures to CFL> grabbed me and dragged me over, screaming about someone damaging property.
CFL: She was MOLESTING the MELONS.
Me: <I really can't help myself at this point> Sounds like someone's been molesting your melon for way too long, lady...
CFL: What did you say to me?!
Me: Nothing!!
M: I really don't see the problem here, ma'am. Now, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the other customers alone, they're just trying to shop.
CFL: <Foams at mouth, screams some more, and I try to slip away>
CFL: <Yanks on the employees arm and shoves him at me - realize this guy is maybe 5'6", and 150 lbs, if he's lucky...I'm half a foot taller, and way heavier, so I have to essentially catch him> Stop her! You all have lousy customer service! I'll never shop here again!!
M: That's right you won't. <gestures LP over who'd been watching the whole thing> Because you just assaulted one of my employees and harassed a customer. You're gone.
LP: <comes over and takes CFL by the arm, leading her away>
CFL: <Starts screaming louder> You can't do this, I'm a member of NAACP!! I'll have you arrested. You're racist <insert stream of profanity here>!!
M: <Looks at SE, then himself, who are also black> Yeah, I'm sure that'll go somewhere. You two ok?
Me: Sure...can I go get some cucumbers now, or will I be arrested for public lewdness...?
M: I think you'll be fine...
SE: <Snorts and laughs>
Aaaand, the rest of my shopping trip was uneventful after that...thank the gods...
That amused me greatly!
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