What I SAY vs. What I THINK

[RetailActress]

What I SAY:

"Good Morning!! Is there anything special I can help you with today? Just browsing? SURE, go ahead!! Just want to let you know that we're taking an additional 30% off anything that's already marked down!! Have fun looking around! Take your time! We'll be right here if you need us! Our fitting rooms are right there! Nope, there's no limit on how many items you can bring in! I'll check to see if I can get you anything else!"

What I THINK:

"Hurry up, pick out your stuff, buy it, and GET OUT. You annoy me."

[Fro]

So true, so true....

"Hello! Let me know if I can help you with anything." most always translates to "It's shoes, not rocket science. Figure it out"

When they make the closing announcement, I do a happy dance

[marasbaras]

"Excuse me, but there doesn't seem to be a waitress in our section."

usually means

"I've been sitting here 45 minutes, haven't seen a waitress yet ... I don't care if you're busy, that's just too long. Unless things turn around quickly .. don't expect me to be tipping well."

--------------------------

or, the classic

"Excuse me, could you move your cart?"

really means

"Look, you moron. Park your cart NEXT TO YOURSELF ... don't put your cart on one side of the aisle ... hold your hand on the front ... and then go to the other side of the aisle to bend over and look at something there. There are other people in the store you rude twit!"

[mattm04]

"Can I help you?" usually means "what stupid question will you ask me that is most likley answered by the sign/product tag near/on said product"

[Apathy]

"Look, you moron. Park your cart NEXT TO YOURSELF ... don't put your cart on one side of the aisle ... hold your hand on the front ... and then go to the other side of the aisle to bend over and look at something there. There are other people in the store you rude twit!"

THANK YOU! I hate that. My wife does it, too. I keep telling her not to, but apparently she's an SC too. I'm so ashamed.

[marasbaras]

THANK YOU! I hate that. My wife does it, too. I keep telling her not to, but apparently she's an SC too. I'm so ashamed.

That one is for both customers AND workers. I've seen stock people park their giant carrier packed with boxes 10 feet away from where they are stocking and block aisles nicely that way, too. Seems like they like walking back and fourth with two, maybe four, cans while stocking from Mega-Supa-Wal-Mart-sized cartons.

Now, I'm not one to complain if someone wants to make more work for themselves. But, it would be nice if they would be considerate.

-------------------

"Are you sure there's nothing I can help you with?"

really means

"I wasn't paying attention when I asked 'is there anything else I can get you?' ... so, please, respond again and MAYBE this time I'll listen."

-------------------

"Can I go in front of you? I only have two items."

means

"Can I go in front of you? I'm going to ring up both items separately, one on a gift card, the other using two different credit cards plus the remnant of the first gift card. And, I have coupons I need to use that I will forget until both transactions are finalized and need to be returned, voided, etc. Oh, and I'm not even going to say sorry because I totally misled you about how sucky I was about to be."

[NateTheChops]

This usually happens after an item rings up and the customer tells me that it's supposed to be on sale. Nine times out of ten the customer saw a sale tag in the aisle and assumed that everything was on sale, or didn't read it closely enough to see what size/specifically priced item/brandname was actually on sale.

"Well let me go check to be sure." I say.

Translation

"Time to teach another adult reading course."

[Bramblerose]

< grit teeth > Have a good (evening/day/whatever! </ grit teeth >

Translation- My boss won't let me ban your ew/sc/whatever ass, but I will be fantasizing waiting by the door with a shotgun so I never have to deal with you again.......

(Swooping in front of opening dressing room) "Oh, let me help you with that"

translation- Listen Godzilla, you've done enough damage to my displays for the day, let me get the garment you want. It'll be quicker and make less work for me later.

(tight smile)

translation murder is a felony murder is a felony a jury of my peers would let me off murder is a felony murder is a felony

[Mamadrae]

So true, so true....

"Hello! Let me know if I can help you with anything." most always translates to "It's shoes, not rocket science. Figure it out"

When they make the closing announcement, I do a happy dance

You would have hated me last time I went shoe shopping. When asked that I went "Yeah I need a pair of dress shoes that aren't made to remove me from the gene pool via amputation of my legs."

The girl looked totally confused and then I clarified that I wanted a nice pair of dress shoes without a super tall spike heel. Seriously why are these things everywhere? You can barely stand, much less walk anywhere in them. Makes me want to hunt down the people who design this stuff and choke them.

[Andrew B.]

What I say: Do you have a parking pass or a handicap tag?

What I think: You should have been ready to show me something if you wanted to park in this area.
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What I say: No, sir/madam, the other end of the street is blocked off entirely.

What I think: Think for a moment. These barricades must mean something. What could it be, hmm?

[otakuneko]

Ooh, ooh, can I join in too?

"Hi, thank you for calling Red Checkmark [fiber/dsl] technical support, my name's otakuneko, [how can I help you/can I get your DSL telephone number please]?"

Oh, great, another caller, you interrupted my reading of slashdot. What super-simple stupid problem is it this time? Shut up, do what I say, and this'll all be over soon! And for DSL customers, you'd better know your number, otherwise, this is going to be painful for both of us. If you don't, go away until you do!

Caller: I'm gonna cancel my service!
Me: Oh, well in that case let me get you over to retention, please hold! Yay, one less idiot!

Caller: I want the tech here RIGHT NOW! TODAY!
Me: Yeah, you and about a million others. Ever occur to you that Red Checkmark has more customers than techs? Difficult concept, I know. "I'm sorry No I'm not the earliest we can do is (2 days from now) Translation: You do not have fiber, or you do have fiber and this is not a no dial-tone issue and you are not a Lifeline customer. Thanks for playing, see you in a couple days! And if you are a Lifeliner, you were pretty dumb to get fiber phone. If you had no choice in the matter, well then sucks to be you."

"Is there anything else I can help you with?" I've fixed your issue or scheduled a tech, now get the frak off my phone and go download yourself some porn or whatever it is you unwashed masses do.

Caller: But I need this for my BIZNESS!
Oh really? Let me get you over to our sales department and you can purchase business-level service then.

"I've been sitting here 45 minutes, haven't seen a waitress yet

At that point I'm already out the door. 45 minutes from sit-down to first contact with server? Bai bai.

[MoonChild2007]

Here's a popular one, especially for cable call center

"I apologize for the inconvience"

What I think: You don't pay your bill and your service is off and i'm supposed to feel sorry for you?

[Mordecai]

"Excuse me, but there doesn't seem to be a waitress in our section."

usually means

"I've been sitting here 45 minutes, haven't seen a waitress yet ... I don't care if you're busy, that's just too long. Unless things turn around quickly .. don't expect me to be tipping well. "

So you walk into a restaurant, don't even wait to be seated, and then get mad at the staff for not noticing you when it's packed?

[jedimaster91]

I took it to mean once seated if the server didn't show up for 45 minutes. Even if it is packed, how long does it take for someone to stop by and say something like, "Hey, I haven't forgotten you. I'll be with you as soon as I can"?


Anywho, back on topic:

Patron: What's wrong with <computer number>
Me: Let's take a look. I don't know. The computer screens face away from me. I'm not psychic. Psycho, maybe, but not psychic.

Patron: What's my password?
Me: Let me walk you through getting it back. How the feck should I know what your password is. I've never even seen you before. Let's review: I'M NOT PSYCHIC!!!

Patron: Is this a class?
Me: Yes. Let's think for a minute here. I know that's difficult, but humor me. The doors are closed and have signs on them that say "Class in Session." In the event you can't/don't read them, the lights are dimmed, the projector screen is down, and there is someone standing at the front of the room talking. Not to mention the schedule is posted fecking everywhere, but then we run into that can't/won't read thing again.

Patron: Are you open?
Me: Doors are open, lab is open. Seriously, people, it's not that difficult. Anyone at the front of the room talking? No. Doors open? Yes. Blue log-in screen. Yup. Then no, I'm not open. I'm taunting you.

Patron: So, sweetheart, you have a boyfriend?
Me: I'm married. Oh, you did NOT just try to hit on me. What makes you think any girl in their right mind would want to even know of your existance? You stink--neither cigarrette smoke nor BO are attractive--you're holding your crotch up (or maybe your just making sure the dangly bits are still attached. Never know when you might be needing those.), and your vocabulary hasn't made it past discovering words of the four letter variety. The bricks that make up my house are more intelligent than you. You really are pathetic.

[Evil Queen]

Guest on phone: Blah blah blah blah blah
EQ: uh-huh? uh-huh?
[translation]STFU and GTFO my phone![/translation]

EQ: (bright smile) How can I help you?
[translation] How can I kill you?[/translation]

Phone call: This is a collect call from Harris County Jail.
EQ: FUCK YOU!
[translation] FUCK YOU! [/translation]