I've lost my trust

[McGoddess09]

Before I went on my vacation, my mom's boyfriend landed himself in jail for unpaid child support. His bail was set at $3,000.

So, I go on my vacation and last I knew, my mom couldn't get the money from friends and family and herself to get him out. While in Portland, I got a call from my mom saying that she had gotten the remaining $700 to get him out.

I am pissed. She always bitches about money and hounds me to help pay for things, when I barely make enough as it is.

Plaid told me I should look into my savings account and see if any money was taken out of there. When we set up my savings account when I was 13, we had it where only my mom could withdraw money, so I wouldn't go crazy with my account. We also agreed that my savings account was my college fund and we would only draw out money if absolutely needed.

So yesterday, I was sitting there with my mom, my sister, and one of my sister's friends and my mom mentions she took $250 from my account because she needed it and would pay me back $50 a week until she reached $250. Not wanting to start anything in front of my sister's friend, I don't bring it up until I get home from taking the friend home.

I asked her what the money was used for. She said that she really needed it. I told her that since it was my money, I had every right to know what it was used for.

It was used to bail her bf out.

I went off. I yelled at her. I yelled that she never asked my permission to withdraw money and she used for something we didn't need. I yelled that I never wanted her to touch my money again without my permission and the only time I will give her money is if it's for my part of the bills or for Munchkin. I told her that I totally lost my trust in her and that once she transfers the money she owes me, her name is getting off my account and she will no longer have access to my money.

Then she had the audacity to tell me to go bitch to my grandma about it. Then she says don't tell her because she gets enough from my grandparents. I told her that this time around, she deserves it.

I was so pissed, I was crying. I didn't speak with her the rest of the night and I'm still hardly speaking to her. She kept apologizing and saying I shouldn't be mad because she was going to pay me back. I snapped back with 'it's my college money that I worked hard for.'

It's a sad world, where a daughter can't trust her own mother.

[the_std]

Oh, hon. This sounds like a poisonous situation for everyone involved. Your mom is just going to keep taking from you until you're in a position where she can't do it anymore, and from the sounds of things you're not really in a position to take away all of those chances from her, what with your little sister and all. All I can recommend is, now that you're 18, put everything in your name. Absolutely everything. Remove any control she has over things for which you pay or are responsible for.

Other than that... I don't have much advice. This is a completely shitty thing for her to do, and you need to stop letting her in. It's so hard, she's your mom, but she's not gonna change her tune if she keeps getting what she wants.

I'm sorry that you're being put through this, though.

[SteverinoNY]

McG, I'm sorry this had to happen to you. It's a real sad world when children can't trust parents. But I know what you mean. I have an account that my dad is in charge of because he could get a better interest rate than I can and unfortunately the way its set up, he can take out money without my permission yet I need to have him authorize any withdrawals by me.

I pretty much threatened him with significant penalties if he touches a dime of my money (it's loan money I took out to pay for graduate school). He pretty much knows that if he touches a dime of that money A) he's off the account, B) i'm gone as in out of the house (my grandparents will welcome me) and C) he might as well only have 2 sons because I won't want a damn thing to do with him anymore.

I won't tolerate not being able to trust him...so that's why he's one and done.

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

Personal opinion: get her name off the account now and have her pay you back with cash or check and put it in the account yourself. She may just take out more without your permission and since she's on the account, there's nothing you can do about it.

[Der Cute]

Get it done today.

Withdraw all the money and open up another account - preferably in a credit union (they're not for profit unlike a bank). Close old bank account.

Don't tell your mother that you now have a different account. What you have is YOURS, and yours only. She doesn't need to know diddly.

If you feel the need to, open up a safe deposit box, and keep the account info in THAT, with the key with you at all times. A key looks less...informative, than a pile of paperwork.

Get the last statement from Old Acct and show withdraws. Write out a payment plan for your mother, notating the dates of w/d and reasons. Have her sign it. (put this in safe place).

Cutenoob

[iradney]

What Cutenoob said. Also check to see if your mom has a similar arrangement with Munchkin, and see if you can get her to do the same thing too.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Yeah, get your money into your own account that your mom can't touch. Now. Faster.

[Talon]

W. T. F.

I have no other words to say but that.

Firewall your assets as others have suggested. The only thing I might worry about is once Mommy Stickyfingers realizes she's cut off, she might decide she has no incentive to pay you back.

Worth the risk I say.

[taxguykarl]

Personal opinion: get her name off the account now and have her pay you back with cash or check and put it in the account yourself. She may just take out more without your permission and since she's on the account, there's nothing you can do about it.

Hold her to the promise of repayment--get it in writing if at all possible. Move the funds to another account leave the old account open and with just enough cash to avoid a service fee.
As for the original arrangement (i.e. in both names so you won't blow it), it is very clear who is more likely to blow the money. In your OP, you mentioned that your mother's BF is in arrears for child support. In most states, that means a debt of $5000 or more--do you think he'll repay anyone for his bail money? I doubt it. As long as your mother is with this loser, I would bet your tuition money on seeing yours paid back.
I agree it reeks to high heaven that you can't trust her. Listen to the other posts and get the funds out of her reach ASAP.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I hope I'm not getting into too personal territory here, but I wonder what your mom sees in this guy.

I mean, suppose she marries him, and sometime later they divorce. Child support might not be an issue since you are an adult and your sister isn't too terribly far from being one herself, but he certainly seems like the type to abandon his responsibilities to his former spouses and his children. Did your mom even think about the children and the baby mama who aren't seeing their child support from him?

This whole situation is just unbelievably sad.

[Der Cute]

Oh.

You also mentioned that the only time your mom is allowed to take/use money, is when it's to pay for bills and to help Munchkin.

Time to end that also.

What I would do here is request bills in writing. Use the new bank account to open up a checking account. Do not pay your mother in straight cash for "oh, the cable bill is $45 this month."

Have her show you the bills, you write out a total/listing and make a check from that to her. No more of her reaching in and taking what she thinks she needs from the bank. From here on out, you control the cash flow. None of the "Oh the phone bill is due too". I'd bet many monies that she's saying to herself "ok, phone bill is $45 so I can get 55 from her, and use the $10 for other stuff" or also paying herself ahead of time.

Nope.

Checking account, specifically for tracking spending. This way you have a paper trail. Make sure to write in the memo section of the check "bills for March 2010" or something like that.

Over the summer, investigate if it would be cheaper to live out with a roomie and go to college. You may find it easier to do.

I'm sorry this is happening, I'd be both livid and sad.

Cutenoob

[hinakiba777]

That is just horrible. I say follow the advice of the other posters, and change accounts now.

When I was younger I had a joint account with my dad, who had many accounts. Sometimes he'd be low on cash and the bank teller would point out that he had access to other accounts and he would take withdraw a bit. In the end he emptied the joint.

So when I was ten he took me in to get my own account. Which he puts money into all the time, but he can't remove it.

[persephone]

I'm so sorry hun. I wish I could snap my fingers and fix things for you, but I can't.

That being said, I am here if you need to talk or vent -- ever, about anything. If you need advice legal wise or want something in writing with your mother at any point, PM me and I'll do what I can. I may not always be able to do it myself, but I know enough lawyers (I've worked for a few) that I can put you in touch with someone if you need it.

[tropicsgoddess]

That's just incredibly selfish and low. I agree with the others on the advice to either close the account and get a new one without her knowledge or to drop her name from the account you have now. I'm not perfect but who among us is though, but what the hell does your mom see in that deadbeat loser she calls her boyfriend? She needs to quit leeching off you and your grandparents, get off her ass and get her own money. If Munchkin is old enough she should be able to let the courts know if she would like to live with your dad or grandparents instead of your mom.

[blas]

Hun, now that you're 18, take all that money out of the account and get a different account for just yourself, whether at the same bank or different bank. Just make sure it's yours and yours only!

I definetly recommend some legal document holding your mother to pay you back. Persephone can probably help you go about writing one up or going to the right place to find one.