An open letter to the client (a little long and rantish)
This letter is to inform you that I will no longer put up with your abuse with a smile on my face. It has been too many times that you have yelled at me and cursed at me, and I simply can not take any more.
If I come to my appointment with you early, please understand that I am not doing it out of spite, or to annoy you, or to inconvenience you in any way. I am simply early, so please don't get offended when I ask if you mind if I do what I came to do early, and please don't call my boss and tell him I have an attitude problem when you know full well I don't.
When I did not bring the exact equipment that you were expecting, please do not act like it is my fault that you ordered the wrong thing, or that the tech person that handles your department didn't feel that you needed it. I simply get the ticket and deliver/install the equipment, I do not order it. Furthermore, please don't ask me how to break/damage equipment in order to get a new one. If I gave you this information, I would be fired. On the same note, please don't kill the messenger when I show up with completely wrong equipment. Like I said, I don't order the stuff; I just deliver and install it.
When I am replacing your old computer with a new one, there are a lot of things I must do in order to restore your data and settings to the new computer. While I am working, please don't disappear, or at least leave me your user information so that I may complete my job without having to wait for you/look for you/ask your assistant to call you. I realize that I have been sitting in your chair for the last 2 hours staring blankly at your screen. This is part of my job, as I am transferring your precious files up to the network so I may restore them later. On the same note: Please leave your personal files (mp3's, pictures of family) at home, or keep them somewhere other than on your computer. It is actually against policy for me to transfer these files, as they have nothing to do with work. Also, please, please, please prune your outlook archives. There is a limit to how big they can get without corrupting, and if they pass this threshold, there is very little I can do to get the data back. Yelling and screaming at me when this happens has no effect on the result, and neither does calling my boss 42 times in 3 hours. All this does is piss off the people who protect your data.
I am regretful to say that no, after I install your new scanner/printer/computer/miscellaneous device, I can't really train you on how to use it. This is not because I am an asshole. I am not allowed to consult, and teaching is a form of consultation, at least to the company I work for.
When I tell you that you can't put something in a specific place on your desk or in your office, this is not because I hate you or wish to inconvenience you. It is usually because the furniture is not computer friendly, and I have to find an alternative way to hook things up. This goes double for problems concerning cable length. The USB cables I am given to give to you are 7 feet long. I realize that this is very short, but complaining at me about it will get you nowhere. This was not my decision, it was my bosses'.
And finally, I CAN'T does not mean I WON'T. There is a subtle difference between these two terms. One describes my unwillingness to facilitate a request, and the other describes my ability to facilitate a request. There is a difference here, and if you make this mistake enough times, I will make sure that you have to wait much, much longer before you get your equipment. I can not express this enough; I CAN'T isn't the same as I WON'T.
Apallo--Your friendly neighborhood computer tech.
Strong like bull, stupid like chicken.
PLEASE, MAIL ME TESTICULAR THERMAL SHIELDING. --Gravekeeper