I don't want to do this

[Magpie]

So a friend of mine, let's call him "Walter" (yes, I'm still offering cookies for the reference) succeeded at his most recent suicide attempt. This was several months ago, so I'm mostly ok. The problem is that I need to write a few things about him. I'm in charge of the dedication service for the tree we're putting up in his memory, and so his mother has asked me to speak at the service. The dean's office has also pegged me as the person to write a paragraph about him for the scholarship his parents are setting up in his memory. (This has the same deadline of four weeks from now). As far as I'm concerned, these require social awareness. I not only don't want to do this, I have no clue what to say for either. I need a good kick in the pants for this. (No, it's not worth putting trousers on for, but the sentiment applies)

[BookstoreEscapee]

First, I'm sorry for your loss

Second, can you talk to some other friends and maybe get some ideas of what to say?

[Magpie]

Second, can you talk to some other friends and maybe get some ideas of what to say?

I tried, but I didn't get anything. I sent a reminder about it when I sent out the "ok, what do we want to put in the ceremony" e-mail, but still nothing. I don't want to bug them too badly, because I was actually slightly less close recently, so I only lost a friend, not a housemate, and I figure I'm somewhat more with it than they would be, so I'm more able to deal with this.

[flybye023]

Another angle to look at is why are they putting the tree up. What are they trying to accomplish. What do they want people to know who see this tree and plaque in coming years. Also, is there a significance to the location of the tree--why there and not somewhere else.

[Magpie]

For the scholarship:

"Walter was passionate about politics at all levels of government and on-campus. He was active in [undergrad federation] committees, and in the [greek letters] Fraternity. In addition to volunteering his time and effort he encouraged his friends to take an interest in politics and to get involved. He routinely participated in the [famous guy] debates, and would even give classmates a crash course in debating to ensure that he had a capable partner. "

This is somewhat tailored by the fact that the scholarship will be awarded to someone who participates in the [famous guy] debates and has an 80% average, based on volunteering.

Part of the problem with the other one (and I'm probably going to wait to do more until I have talked to his mom, she wants to phone me), is that a lot of the stuff isn't great to share. We were talking once, years ago, and he said that he would like a tree. This is why I'm pushing so hard to make sure one gets put in place for him. The reasons I'm not sure I want to include that are that a lot of people didn't know he was fighting suicidal depression for so many years. Also, the reason that means a lot to me is that it's one of the times he let his guard down, and let us see that he hurt, without needing to try to make the situation awkward. ("How's it going?" "Ok. I'd rather be dead.") And explaining that part of it feels like something of a betrayal of him. Not precisely that it was a very private thing he shared, but that explaining why that matters is somewhat private. He might be dead, but I don't know if I have the right to share his vulnerable moments.

ETA: and nope, it's a different Walter.

Flybye: details that I skipped are that the outline of the event that we have decided upon are that we will have people talking about who Walter was, and that we're going to have something on why we're doing this. I offered his mother the chance for her or her husband to talk about either of those, and she declined for both of them (and Walter's brother), and asked that I speak. I will talk with the MC, and the other friends who are helping me plan this, because I think I only need to do the one part.

[Seshat]

Can you talk about why he wanted a tree, specifically? As in, rather than a plaque or a memorial of some other sort.

[Whiskey]

I would leave out anything to do with how he died or why. The people who know, know. The people who dont, dont need to.

I dont know if this makes sense, but could you write it like you were describing why he was your friend? The things that made him happy, stuff he enjoyed, what he accomplished, what kind of person he was to you, why he was such a great person. stuff like that? Also, telling people why he wanted a tree would be good (like seshat said), if the reason is too personal, you can be extremely vague. Its still a very emotional thing to be present for so people aren't going be scrutinizing that aspect.

[Magpie]

I actually don't know how, and am not going to ask, because the people who know really don't need to have to dredge that back up. All I know is he used a different method than he had every other time.

The problem with me just "sharing what he was like" is that I have major boundary issues. I can't "use my judgement", because when it comes to social situations I have very little. At least very little that's reliable. And not only because it was a suicide, but because he was fighting depression for so long it's difficult. A lot of what made him so special to me is stuff that I can't necessarily share. And the stuff that I can share is hard to put into a speech. I have the classic "I'm trying to put him into words, and he can't be contained that way" problem.

There's the story about the tree, with its own issues about sharing. I can't tell people that "oh, he really meant this, the Walter you saw was all an act, this was important because it was one of the few times he meant it". (I don't really know why he would want a tree, if I'm doing the "why a tree, why this tree" speech I will mention the fact that he was never a city boy, he always loved the outdoors). There's the fact that he put so much effort into fighting the depression. He was terrified when he went for ECT, because he was worried that it might affect his cognitive abilities. He went anyhow. There's the time he came by my suite, and gave me a little yellow slip of laminated paper. He explained that he didn't believe anymore, but he knew I was a Christian, and he thought that I might appreciate it, and pretty much ran back into the stairwell. It was a little poem about being Christian in everyday life.

It's just that so much of who he was is stuff that he wasn't comfortable with. I think that he was openly out, but when he came out to me he was very scared to tell people about it, so I've never been really comfortable mentioning that he was gay. And yet I remember sitting watching a borrowed TV with him in first year, watching the vote on the same-sex marriage bill. (And now you all know exactly how old I am). The fact that he wasn't going to church isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the reasons why he was estranged from his church were related (at first) to his orientation. So I want to be careful about discussing that.

He always felt that there was something bad about him because he was suicidally depressed. Not in the sense of "wow, I've got a bad illness", but in the sense that he felt he was a less worthwhile person. That stigma makes it harder for people to get the treatment they need, and can exacerbate depression. I refuse to perpetuate that stigma, but at the same time I don't want people who still believe that myth to think less of him, nor do I want to just ignore his own preferences.

Largely though, these are all excuses, and I'm sure that I'd be able to overcome them if I had a better idea of what to say. Thank you for all the large rear-end kicks, they are helping.

[KiaKat]

I know you feel weird, revealing these tidbits about him, but this is who he was. And this is the person you knew. Sharing these stories might help some of his other friends understand him, and his relationship to them, a little better.

Small stories about his life, what he liked, what he wanted, and what made him happy. That's what you should share, even if they seem too personal. This entire memorial is about the personal. About a dear friend who is no longer here, and the tree he always wanted.

[Magpie]

Why don't you post your possible speeches/ideas here and let us help? We may not have actually known Walter, but I have a feeling that we have/had people in our lives a lot like him...or may even be just like him ourselves.

Well that's why I put up the paragraph draft. I'm still looking for ideas for the speech for the ceremony, as I will be getting a call from Walter's mother, and she and I will probably be discussing which speech (tree or who he was) I'll be giving. I don't want to write it until then.

[Seshat]

Here's my suggestions. I'm NOT trying to 'take over' or anything, just give you some ways you could possibly phrase these things.

There's the story about the tree, with its own issues about sharing. I can't tell people that "oh, he really meant this, the Walter you saw was all an act, this was important because it was one of the few times he meant it". (I don't really know why he would want a tree, if I'm doing the "why a tree, why this tree" speech I will mention the fact that he was never a city boy, he always loved the outdoors).

Walter always loved the outdoors. He was very much into (hiking, kayaking, whatever he was into), and felt at home when among (the rainforest, open forest, at the beach, among animals, whatever). One time when he and I were talking about how we would like to be remembered, he told me he wanted a tree. Not carved stone, not a small plaque in a memorial garden, not ashes on a mantlepiece, but a living, growing tree, reaching to the sky and reminding people of the wonders and beauty of the outdoors.

There's the fact that he put so much effort into fighting the depression. He was terrified when he went for ECT, because he was worried that it might affect his cognitive abilities. He went anyhow.

He struggled with chronic, severe illness the whole time I knew him. He didn't tell a lot of people about it - he didn't want people worrying about him, or treating him differently because of it. At times, the treatments for the illness were terrifying to him - some of the potential side effects frightened him almost as much as the illness itself. But he took that risk, and I honour and respect the courage he showed.

here's the time he came by my suite, and gave me a little yellow slip of laminated paper. He explained that he didn't believe anymore, but he knew I was a Christian, and he thought that I might appreciate it, and pretty much ran back into the stairwell. It was a little poem about being Christian in everyday life.

He was thoughtful, and respectful of peoples' differing faiths and cultures. I have seen him with items significant to friends of his, and despite the fact that he did not share the religion of that friend, he would sometimes choose to gift a friend with something religious that he thought they would truly appreciate.

It's just that so much of who he was is stuff that he wasn't comfortable with. I think that he was openly out, but when he came out to me he was very scared to tell people about it, so I've never been really comfortable mentioning that he was gay.

I'd leave this out, especially if there's people at the memorial who might overreact.

He always felt that there was something bad about him because he was suicidally depressed. Not in the sense of "wow, I've got a bad illness", but in the sense that he felt he was a less worthwhile person. That stigma makes it harder for people to get the treatment they need, and can exacerbate depression. I refuse to perpetuate that stigma, but at the same time I don't want people who still believe that myth to think less of him, nor do I want to just ignore his own preferences.

Just call his depression a 'chronic, severe illness'. Those who know will understand what you're referring to, those who don't, don't need to know.

[Magpie]

Ok, and here's the speech. It's not quite done, it needs to be polished and the ending needs inclusion.

Hi. I’m Magpie, I’m a former classmate of Walter’s from the ’09 class. We met in first year, both because we were in the same class, and because Walter lived one floor below me in residence.

Walter defied stereotypes in that, while he tremendously appreciated a lot of the benefits of cities, he appreciated the outdoors at least as much. When he found out that I enjoyed Nordic skiing (to the level that someone from Toronto gets the opportunity to ski), I heard stories about his local ski club, and how wonderful the trails there were. He complained that there weren’t enough trees in the city. When looking for a way to honour Walter‘s memory, having a tree planted seemed like the natural thing to do. When it came time to select a tree, there was unanimous agreement that a maple was the way to go. Walter was very patriotic, and had a large flag that he would hang in his window. Not, as some people do, because he needed a curtain and flags were easy to get; but simply because he wanted to display his country’s flag.

Walter and I spent a fair bit of time together in first year, talking of the proverbial “shoes and ships”. During one of our discussions, Walter got serious, and told me that he’d like to have a tree planted in his memory. I must confess, I don’t remember this conversation as clearly as I now wish I did. I filed it in some dusty corner of my mind, hoping that he’d get better and this preference would never be relevant. When I talked to Prof. Huissoon about having a tree planted in Walter’s memory, it was more because of how natural it seemed.

Thank you all for keeping on my case with this. Any feedback on either the speech or the paragraph for the scholarship would be greatly appreciated.

[Magpie]

And once more:

I should have done this sooner, but here's what I'm reading tonight. Please let me know if I need to make any last minute changes.

Hi. I’m Christine, I’m a former classmate of Walter’s from the ’09 class. We met in first year, both because we were in the same class, and because Walter lived one floor below me in residence.

Walter defied stereotypes in that, while he tremendously appreciated a lot of the benefits of cities, he appreciated the outdoors at least as much. When he found out that I enjoyed Nordic skiing, I heard stories about his local ski club, and how wonderful the trails there were. He would complain that there weren’t enough trees in the city. Planting a tree in his memory is one more tree in the city, for people here to enjoy. There was not a lot of question as to what type of tree we would plant. Walter was very proud of the national Maple Leaf, and so a maple tree is just very Walter. He was very patriotic, and had a large flag that he would hang in his window. Not, as some people do, because he needed a curtain and flags were easy to get; but simply because he wanted to display his country’s flag.

For those of you who haven’t had a chance to see it, the plaque for this tree describes Walter as a

“[nerdy] Engineering Student,
[greek] Fraternity Brother,
Honourary member of FEDS,
gentleman and dedicated friend.“

I want to thank all of you for being dedicated friends to Walter, and coming here today as we ensure that something of Walter will remain on this campus. Back in first year, Walter told me once that he would like a tree. I confess, I didn’t try that hard to remember this conversation – I was hoping he’d get better. But since he didn’t: Walter - here’s your tree.

[Der Cute]

And once more:

I should have done this sooner, but here's what I'm reading tonight. Please let me know if I need to make any last minute changes.

Sure you dont want to make it longer?

[Magpie]

I actually added a paragraph. The MCs and I got together a couple of hours before we had to go set up, and went over what they and I were going to say. (The other guy who was speaking didn't show up, we're not sure why, fortunately someone else had semi-prepared, so he was able to go up and speak.) It turned out fairly well, the speaker wasn't up for the combination of the steep slope and the heavy wind, so Jackdaw ended up spending the entire time holding it up (after it fell once, fortunately on grass). It also had some wiring problems, so there was another guy standing back there to reset the speaker every time it turned itself off.

Despite all that I had a bunch of people tell me that they thought it turned out beautifully. So I'm happy about that. And that the friends who were staying with us who didn't get invited to dinner by the department chair are close enough friends that we could just give them a key and tell them where we'd left dinner.