Iím not ordinarily a mean person. In fact, I try to treat people well, even when Iím angry or in an otherwise foul mood. I donít always succeed, but I do try. But you know what? I will go ahead and admit I got a tremendous amount of perverse pleasure from having peopleís cars towed away. My co-workers would say things like ďyou are brutal.Ē ďyou enjoy this waaay too much.Ē And my favorite, ďyou are Ghengis Khan.Ē
Iím not going to lie. I got totally off on it.
I guess itís because when you work with the public, you have to put up with so much unfair crap that when you get to punish that same public in a way thatís TOTALLY fair, and using their own sucky self-entitled attitude to do it, itís like taking a shower and getting all thatís wrong about your day washed off.
If you drive past 9 signs, all saying ďParking only for Kinkoís customers while in the store. All others will be towedĒ and park right next to a huge colorful 12 foot long banner that says the same and features Godzilla driving a tow truck towing a car, you are asking to get towed. ASKING for it. ( Iíve seen people drive past all this AND an idling tow truck sitting in my lot, waiting like a vulture. I told the driver to tow them first because they REALLY want it bad.)
Hereís two of my favorite towing stories. (yeah, a local could figure out where I worked. I donít care. While I enjoyed my stints thereÖseriously, I really didÖI wonít be by that way again, career-wise. Had two stints there. Thatís enough.)
The particular Kinkoís I worked at was on a college campus and across the street from the Law Center. Thus, a large number of illegal parks were law students (and I can hear some of you groaning already.). The 2 handicapped spots were near the entrance of the lot, and right near the entrance (and as such, closest to the law center. You see where this is going.)
There was an older lady who worked as a paralegal for a law firm. She was probably in her 70ís, and sharp as a tack. Pretty spry, but walked with a limp and used a cane. She came in one day, walked over to me and said, ďI have to apologize to you.Ē
Miss C: Because an angry young man is going to come in here at some point to curse you all out.
Me: (really intrigued by now) Why on earth?
Miss C: Because he parked his trans am in your handicapped spot, jumped out, and ran across the street. I pulled out a lipstick and wrote ďCheaterĒ all over his car with it.
I gave Miss C her stuff for free. Called the tow truck, too, but the butthead got back before the truck could get there. Butthead screamed and railed in the parking lot, but had at least enough sense to not come inside with it. I about wet my pants laughing at that one.
Vandal? What vandal? I didnít see or hear a damn thing.
Towed this one lawyer-type guyís spiff little ride away and instead of taking it like a man, he was easily the biggest baby of all about it. He was a short little thing. Nothing wrong with being a short manÖmy own fatherís a short man. But there is something wrong with being a small man, and this guy was very, very small.
SC: Did one of you assholes tow my car!??!!?!?
Me: That would be me, yes. Itís at City Garage. Phone numberís on the door.
SC: Thatís illegal! You canít do that!
Me: Trespassingís illegal. Towing an illegally parked car from private property I can assure you with confidence is legal.
SC: Iíll sue the ass off you!
Me: Well, thereís a line forming, believe me.
He yelled and cursed standing in the middle of the store, screaming for the manager. Manager, a large, buff gent who towered over the guy, escorted him out to the lot to discuss it. About half an hour later, I went out back to toss some boxes in the pile, and he was still arguing with Manager in the back lot, threatening to sue. He saw me and tried to get me involved in the conversation. I literally showed him the hand and and slammed back door in his face.
At some point, he was stupid enough to call the cops.
So a cop shows up. This cop was huge. A neckless brick wall of a man with shoulders like a moose. Bald head. Made my boss look like a midget, and thatís saying something. Very disgusted look on his bulldog face. He is NOT happy about being called out for this. Cop, manager, jerk, all convene in lobby of store. Cop looks situation over and growls ďPal, thereís only one car these people canít tow away. And thatís mine.Ē
He gets back in his car and drives away.
So at this point, the guyís kind of stuck. Heís stranded, and canít even ask any of us for a lift, after heís acted like he has.
So get this: He goes to the TOW TRUCK DRIVER and actually has the berries to ask him for a lift. At this point, this is what the tow truck driver later told me when we were all standing around laughing about this later that day.
SC: Dude, címon, you gotta help me out.
TTD: No, I donít.
SC: Címon, dude, Iím stranded. You gotta give me a lift to the garage.
TTD: Man, you come in here, give everyone a rash of shit, then expect help? You gotta be kidding me.
Disappointingly, the tow truck driver ended up giving him a lift, and for free. Tow guy really is nicer than I am. But I am pretty sure he kind of got off on the whole thing, too.