Note To Pregnant Women

[trailerparkmedic]

Please don't take this to Fratching.

You know what? If you don't want a hospital birth, don't have one. Have a home birth. Go to a birthing center. Even in Conservative Texas City, there are plenty of midwives who will accommodate both preferences. I'm taught by one and my google-fu shows many in the metro area, especially in Rich Suburb, where we happen to be birthing your baby right now. Please don't come and freak out because the hospital is different than the birthing center.

Or, if your midwife or doctor sends you to the hospital because you're not low risk, don't take it out on the staff, and don't expect your birth to go according to the idealized version you had in your head. You should REALLY be not yelling at the nurses when you're admitted from the doctor's office to be induced because he's worried about you. You know we're full because you waited in the triage room for 2 hours while we "encouraged" a postpartum mom to leave before lunch instead of later in the day so we could give you her bed, so your comments about "trying to trick me into coming here so you can keep this hospital afloat" aren't going to go far.

Yes, we need to start an IV. We're working with you and giving you the option for a saline lock (IV in body but not hooked up to anything) for now, but it's part of our protocol here for the 10 reasons I just explained to you. Or, your came in for an induction. That means you get drugs to start your labor so you need an IV so we can give you drugs. Oh, you want to throw a fit and say you'll just get a C-section instead? No problem, let me just start your IV as IV access is necessary for the major surgery you want.

I'm asking you about your pain medication preference because that's one of the questions we ask here. We don't care if you turn down pain meds and shriek in pain while you're having the kid. That's your right and the walls are surprisingly thick. We do tend to mind when you scream at us for even suggesting that you might "take the easy way out and hurt my baby."

Ditto for breastfeeding. If you have questions about breast vs formula feeding, we'll answer them, but otherwise we'll check the box and keep on going until the baby comes. Don't accuse us of being part of the "formula conspiracy" just because we dared to ask you what your plans are. We asked so we know if we should schedule you with the lactation consultant and to know which diaper bag set to give you later.

Also, you're not really allowed to decline all pain medication if you're getting a C-section. You could probably choose general anesthesia (even if the option is only offered because we want you to SHUT UP), but chances are you're getting something in your spine. For some reason this hospital isn't too keen on slicing open fully awake women who can feel everything. Sure, we'll have your doctor come talk to you. I think he's hanging around the nurse's station so he can stay updated on you because he's afraid of what you're going to do to his malpractice premium.

I don't know what websites you've been reading, but yes, we do need to do internal exams. We really need to do one right now because you said you're feeling pressure and you can't push until you're fully dilated and the baby is down far enough. Yes, we want to limit them since your water broke, but we haven't done one in 3 hours and your condition has changed. Yes, we're worried about infection and that's why we are using a sterile glove. I'll be happy to get your doctor and have him tell you the exact same things we just said. Wait, what? You want the student and only the student to do the exam? Please pardon us while the student stares at you, speechless, and the doctor tries very hard not to laugh. We'll just have the doctor do it, ok?

Sorry if any of this sounds harsh, but it was a long day with some crazy women. Just when we finished with #1l, #2 came in.

[AnaKhouri]

Someone...doesn't...want...drugs...during...a....c-section?

Where they, you know, cut through skin and muscle and move your intestines around a bit?

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I would submit to you that this aversion to drugs is probably an extremely recent thing.

I'm just saying.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

A c-section is surgery. Major surgery. Damn.
I fully acknowledge that I will be in a hospital when giving birth, if only because of my paranoia of hypoglycemia, infection, and pain. I will not be happy, no matter what, because a 10-pound lump of blood, bones, and (eventual) adorableness will be squeezing it's way out of a hole way too small for it over the course of what will be at least 10 hours. If God smiles on me.
Yeah, it costs money, but you know what? I'd rather not die. I'd rather my baby didn't die.
I'd also like to not commit multiple homicides from being pain-crazy.
... why do I want kids again???

[trailerparkmedic]

Quoth AnaKhouri

Someone...doesn't...want...drugs...during...a....c-section?

Where they, you know, cut through skin and muscle and move your intestines around a bit?

I think she thought that if she refused drugs we would stop getting her ready for her C-section. She was really attached to the idea of having a vaginal birth but circumstances developed that made that dangerous for the baby. Thankfully her mom showed up not long afterwards and talked some sense into her in only the way a momma can.

Quoth teh_blumchenkinder

I fully acknowledge that I will be in a hospital when giving birth, if only because of my paranoia of hypoglycemia, infection, and pain. I will not be happy, no matter what, because a 10-pound lump of blood, bones, and (eventual) adorableness will be squeezing it's way out of a hole way too small for it over the course of what will be at least 10 hours.

I hear that you are so sick of being pregnant, labor doesn't sound nearly as bad at 40 weeks than it does right now.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Yeah, by month eight or nine, you don't care. By then, you are pretty much done with the whole "miracle of having a life inside you" thing and you just want to see your damn ankles again and maybe manage to not piss yourself when you sneeze.

And this from someone who actually enjoyed being pregnant.

[Mishi]

A caeserean without pain medication? Where the hell was she getting her information from?
Internal exams are part and parcel of having a baby. They're not comfortable for anyone, least of all the midwife or doctor!

@Teh: Be prepared for the worst but cautiously optimistic. It might turn out better than you expected, and since you've already done the research, know the risks and still want a baby... you'll probably end up being an awesome parent.

I will admit to arguing with a doctor, but it was polite and we came to a compromise after 15 minutes of me explaining why I didn't want to book a caeserean. I agreed to coming in the next day to have an experienced OB/GYN try to turn my breech baby, with the understanding that I might end up with an emergency caeserean. Went to L/D the next morning, off for a sonogram and Bubbles had turned herself overnight!

Oh God yes, by 8 months you really don't care who is going to see what! I'm very shy, but none of it bothered me, I just wanted my babies to get out already.

[Micer]

We had someone like that in our water birthing class (Yes, I know I'm nuts, everyone else who hears my plans for a water birth and my wanting to avoid drugs thinks I'm nuts - I don't do good with anesthesia, blood pressure issues) Every single question out of her mouth was about how she didn't want the nurses/doctors on call involved, and how could she go about making sure that none of the nurses could 'butt in' and prevent any I guess "Her Time" between her and the midwife. Followed with how she didn't want anyone taking the baby out of the room for any reason at all, almost sounded like she wanted to pop the little guy out and just leave the damn hospital in the same day.

I felt for the teacher hosting the class, because by the third time she started up again, even I wanted to throw out a STFU at her and tell her to just do a damn home birth.

But poor staff >_<; Glad to know I behaved way better when they sent me in for a precaution to my blood pressure spiking and dropping protein, okay, might have pouted when they brought up inducing me early (that and for the midwife jokingly yelling at me for not taking it easy and for having such a trouble maker baby - he's refusing to come out now) That lady sounded like a complete loop, especially on the no drugs for a C-section.

For cripes sake though, you guys are there to make sure nothing goes wrong - not get yelled at!

[Der Cute]

Yeah, is it possible she was under the Crazy Hormonal Rush or I Can't Think Straight When I'm Giving Birth issues?

Overall. Yeah, I'm sorry she was being stubbornly ...stubborn.

[patiokitty]

I have come to the conclusion that pregnancy hormones do some rather strange things to people. I know they did with me...and I still pity those nurses that had to deal with me. And I was nowhere as bad as the lady in the next room over that literally had to be tied down to the bed because she wouldn't stop screaming her fool head off!

I had my son vaginally...all 9lb 13 oz. No, we didn't expect him to be so big or I'd have had a c-section. He did a LOT of damage coming out. They had wanted to give me an IV for pain while waiting for me to fully dilate but I'm genuinely phobic of the things. Instead I was given laughing gas.

But after I had my son I started hemorraging (sp?) because my uterus wasn't contracting. Again they brought out the IV and again I went into hysterics. Thankfully my doctor was extremely old school - he massaged my belly until my uterus responded on its own. Can't really give an IV to a person that is literally freaking out and needs to be held down. I shudder to imagine what would have happened if I they had ordered a c-section - I'm literally so phobic of IVs that for any major surgery they have to gas me to sleep before inserting the IV or I will walk out of the hospital. Once I can stop hyperventilating.

I learned that most of the pain when giving birth comes from tensing up. I was fairly relaxed until my son started on his merry way out. But considering the amount of stitches I needed, internal and external, to fix me up it was no damn wonder it hurt! I walked funny for at least a month. I've always recommended to newly pregnant friends not to tense up because it will hurt more...many of them have thanked me afterwards for that bit of advice