Ok, so I'm all sorts of bubbly squealy happy and wanted to share. I'm currently visiting my boyfriend for the weekend. And yesterday was a realization.
We've been officially together for 6 months. This comes as a shock to me, but not for any bad reasons, just...wow. Before I met him, I'd never been on a date, never done ANYTHING with a guy, was a scared little neurotic virgin and figured I'd be one of those crazy cat ladies when I got old - sitting a porch with a shotgun and 40 cats, shooting at people and screaming at them to stay outta my garbage!
I've always had issues with seeing myself as attractive or desirable, so when he expressed interest, I was oblivious until it straight out told me he wanted me. Even then, I just sort of blinked and went "uh huh, sure...right. But he did, and he chased. I evaded. A lot, and still he chased until I finally agreed to meet him in person back in December. We had our first date, except I'm the only one who didn't realize it was a date until it told me as it came closer to the end of the night, just before dinner. He casually asked me how I was enjoying my first date ever. My brain stuttered, and then I realized: Ok, this isn't so bad.
I've had a lot of issues with intimacy, I'm not going to lie. I like hugs, I like being close to family and friends, but again the whole self image issues always set me running and panicking away because I felt like I would be rejected. I was ugly and fat.
He makes me feel beautiful. When we're on skype (Long distance relationship right now), even if I'm sweaty and grubby after work and completely filthy and sweat stained and just threw on a tshirt because I needed something to wear to cook in - he makes me feel beautiful. I think I'm fat, he thinks I've got wonderful curves. I think my glasses make my eyes too small and my face is too plump, and he loves my dimples and thinks my eyes are a pretty hazel.
If anyone had asked me last August when I first got introduced to him through this very forum, if I thought I'd be here, where I am today, I'd have laughed and said it was a marvelous joke they were playing, if bit cruel.
Now, though, now I can look in the mirror and see someone pretty sometimes. Not all the times, but sometimes. I can buy a cute outfit and appreciate how it fits, not that it's all caught up in my fat belly or somesuch. I've got a guy who thinks nothing of pouncing me in public, rather than my believing that no one would want to be seen with me.
Oh, I still have issues. I'm not saying they've all been miraculously solved overnight. I'm still anxiety riddled over the dumbest things, but the patience and the willingness to deal with them astounds me. He told me back in November, while I was still evading and trying to say maybe it's better we're just friends "the only way you could turn me off is if you were a lesbian or an axe murderer - and "
axe murderer I can deal with."
I'm happy. I don't know that I've been this happy before. I still have gobs of stress and horrid shit going on in my life, but having this one little kernel of happiness makes the rest of it more bearable.
So, I guess I just wanted to gush. Be a squealy girl, which is an entirely new experience for me, but just one of many so far.
What brought all of this around? Last night he took me to a restaurant that had sentimental meaning to me, so I could see if it was actually as good as I remembered. The waitress was awesome and asked if there was some special occasion we were celebrating. I flippantly said, "oh, only that we've been together six months and a day." And that's when it all hit me, and has been going through my head since. This morning i made him breakfast becuase I wanted to feed him, and today we're going to wander some places here I've been wanting to see, and he doesn't care, as long as we get to spend time together. I feel happy. I feel lucky. Yes, I've still got a part of me scared that it won't last, and a little voice telling me it's an illusion and he'll see the truth one day, but you know what? That voice has gotten quieter.
Oh, and the restaurant was as good as I remembered.