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Some of you may remember an incident from almost 4 years ago involving my father being accused of molesting my daughter. My ex told me our daughter told her it happened (she was 3 at the time). I couldn't believe it. He'd NEVER do that. But why would my daughter lie about that? So we had her checked out by our doctor, she found no sign of any kind of... abuse. She turned in the allegation because it's her JOB (so she'd be the badguy), and there was an investigation. There was no evidence, but the detective told us that my father was lying and that if it were his child, he'd never allow my father near her again. We had fights CONSTANTLY after this, and tried to work something out by meeting with a neutral party (our pastor). It was all yelling and fights and I got tired of it and I wrote a letter to my parents to tell them they were no longer welcome in our home and that I did not want to see them again.
I always doubted what supposedly happened, but it was easier to do it this way and not have to fight. I was an idiot. When I was accused of hurting my children and there was NO evidence, the detective told my ex that I was lying and in his opinion she should leave me and never let me see the kids again. Yeah, the exact same detective. I've come to find out he lied to us about what my parents had said, and he lied to them about what we said.
So we're back in each others' lives and all is well.
No, you all already know that hasn't been the case.
Last night was a big deal to me, and it seemed like it was the right time to do it. I was already all prettied up from seeing my counselor in the afternoon, and I decided that, in light of what's about to happen with work and all, it was time for my parents to see me the way so many people in my life see me now. It would be the deciding factor. My parents have maintained that they still want to be part of my life, and this IS my life. I was invincible after how awesome everything has been over the last 7 days. At least, I thought I was.
I knew it wasn't going to go well when I walked in and my father muttered, "What the HELL?" The very first thing my mother said is, "I'm going to save you from yourself." And from there, the fight was on. They are convinced this isn't me and they know me better than I know myself because they are my parents. Here are the highlights:
They raised a boy. No, they raised a girl who had been told she was a boy (no one's fault) and who, when she figured out why that never felt right, simply kept up the appearance of being a "boy" out of fear of rejection. Then she fell in love with someone who she was afraid would leave her if she found out, and then when her love DID find out she supported her. Until she changed her mind and shoved her back into her prison within herself through threats, hostility, mistreatment, and abuse.
They know me better than I know myself. Right, they know every thought I've ever had, every feeling I've ever had. They know about the confusion and the dysphoria and self-hatred that grew to self-acceptance. They know what it feels like to be uncomfortable in one's own skin, to live with a CONSTANT feeling that something isn't right, and to cry because what's happening to your body as you grow up isn't what your brain thinks is supposed to happen (and not understanding why you feel that way).
I say I've always felt this way, but we all know that this is only because of what my ex did to me and what happened last year. I think if you read the above, you can see that is all a LOT of specific and deep feelings and details about something I just made up off the top of my head.
I can't be out there parading around like a girl? Why the fuck not? I don't "parade" anything. I simply am.
There's nothing wrong with (My Given Name). Oh yes there was. There was plenty wrong with him. He wasn't even a real person, he was someone different to everyone who knew him because he could only be who others wanted him to be and had no thoughts or opinions of his own, unless they were the same as whoever he was talking to. Funny, he seemed like a completely different person around females though. Like he was in his comfort zone and didn't (or couldn't) pretend because he was in his own element.
My children need a daddy. No, we've done this one to death.
I'm going to mess my children up. For one thing, their mother has done a masterful job of that already. Furthermore, how can I expect my children to stand up and be themselves if I'm afraid to do so, and that is NOT a bad character trait to have. Nor is acceptance of others. And in conclusion, fuck that.
The people who claim to support me are laughing at me behind my back. Well, they should all be in Hollywood, because DAMN they're really really good at it. They're just so freaking sincere. Oh, and the people who are watching the people behind my back (behind their backs) would kick their asses if they ever did that.
I can still like girly things but be a "sensitive guy." No, actually, I can't. I can't be ANY kind of guy, because I don't know how. My impulses, my behaviors, my instincts all go against this.
I like scary movies and video games, I can't be a girl. Riiiiiiiiight. That's too stupid for a response. Just ask my sister, who is very much a female and enjoys watching football while drinking beer.
I can dress like a girl in the privacy of my own home, but it needs to stay there. Yes, because I'm so afraid of what people think of me and I'm too ashamed of who I am to be seen in public.
I don't have to wear a skirt to be a woman. Of course not. For the most part, I wear t-shirts and jeans. But sometimes, I just like to dress up and be REALLY girly. Okay, I'm girlier than most of my girlfriends (they have all told me this), but I still just like to be lazy and go with the t-shirt/jeans thing.
My mother doesn't even OWN makeup. I know. But I do. And I know how to use it. I have plenty of female friends who don't own makeup or like to wear it. It's all a matter of personal preference (oh, and I know straight, manly men who wear concealer for a wide variety of reasons). My mother also can't walk in heels, but I can.
This isn't me. Yes it is. No it's not. Yes it is. No it's not. Yes, we really did get THAT fucking juvenile about this.
I can't be a woman because I've never felt the pain of being a woman and I'll never have a period. I held my tongue, but perhaps I should have told her that I'm currently coming off my second period, and that my first one was last month.
My counselor is an idiot. No, my counselor doesn't automatically agree with my mother.
Everyone who accepts me as I am is an idiot. Sorry guys, mommy said so. It has to be true.
My security company will fail because no one will want to work for me, and anyone who I supervise won't respect me. If our investor did not know about me AND feel completely competent that I could do the job and make money for him, he would not be giving us $30,000 and telling us to run this.
My head is messed up, and we need a second opinion. No. That's where my ex went with this. I've been down this road before and I know where it leads and I will NEVER go back to that place. I'd rather die. You know what happens when the second opinion is no different than the first? We need a third opinion. Possibly a fourth. But at some point we give up on medical advice and we decide that it must be abused out of me.
My dad at least admitted he's too confused to know what to think and went to bed. Some of the statements made above were his though. He's only supportive of me if I keep my "girly" things away from him.
My mother decided to stay up and keep arguing. Finally, I went home. I went home, where she couldn't see me, where she couldn't see how much she hurt me, and I broke down crying until I fell asleep.
There were two things she said that hurt my heart. I did motion to myself at one point and say, "Is this really so terrible." And she immediately said, "Yes, it is." I told her a lot of people tell me that I'm beautiful and it looks natural. She said, "Well, it's not. You look like you're dressed up for Halloween."
I told her what happened at work, about how I was pretty much threatened and forced into getting my haircut and how wrong that was. And, with no feeling, no emotion, no anything, she said, "Don't you think you brought that on yourself?" No, they aren't even proud of me for taking a stand at work and for changing policies that will serve to benefit employees in every agency of this state.
My mother knew before I came out to her. She has known for a long time, I suspect. She isn't denying this, she is aggressively denying it. The signs were all there when I was growing up. She found my stash of girl clothes twice when I was growing up. The last time was when I was 17, when she flipped my mattress (My hiding spot at the time was between the mattress and box springs). I came home from school and went to my room and found they were gone. She called me to her room and had everything there. All she said was, "These are for girls. You are not a girl." And... that was that. It was never spoke of again. I've always thought that was a VERY mild reaction and it was very hastily swept under the rug.
I want to work this out, I want to come to SOME kind of understanding... but... if things don't change I'll have no choice but to remove them from my life again. I will NOT have people in my life who are toxic to me. Not again. Everyone tells me they need time, and I understand that. But this seems to go deeper than just simple lack of understanding. How much time is enough? When do I put my foot down? When do I say enough is enough and cut them off?
I always doubted what supposedly happened, but it was easier to do it this way and not have to fight. I was an idiot. When I was accused of hurting my children and there was NO evidence, the detective told my ex that I was lying and in his opinion she should leave me and never let me see the kids again. Yeah, the exact same detective. I've come to find out he lied to us about what my parents had said, and he lied to them about what we said.
So we're back in each others' lives and all is well.
No, you all already know that hasn't been the case.
Last night was a big deal to me, and it seemed like it was the right time to do it. I was already all prettied up from seeing my counselor in the afternoon, and I decided that, in light of what's about to happen with work and all, it was time for my parents to see me the way so many people in my life see me now. It would be the deciding factor. My parents have maintained that they still want to be part of my life, and this IS my life. I was invincible after how awesome everything has been over the last 7 days. At least, I thought I was.
I knew it wasn't going to go well when I walked in and my father muttered, "What the HELL?" The very first thing my mother said is, "I'm going to save you from yourself." And from there, the fight was on. They are convinced this isn't me and they know me better than I know myself because they are my parents. Here are the highlights:
They raised a boy. No, they raised a girl who had been told she was a boy (no one's fault) and who, when she figured out why that never felt right, simply kept up the appearance of being a "boy" out of fear of rejection. Then she fell in love with someone who she was afraid would leave her if she found out, and then when her love DID find out she supported her. Until she changed her mind and shoved her back into her prison within herself through threats, hostility, mistreatment, and abuse.
They know me better than I know myself. Right, they know every thought I've ever had, every feeling I've ever had. They know about the confusion and the dysphoria and self-hatred that grew to self-acceptance. They know what it feels like to be uncomfortable in one's own skin, to live with a CONSTANT feeling that something isn't right, and to cry because what's happening to your body as you grow up isn't what your brain thinks is supposed to happen (and not understanding why you feel that way).
I say I've always felt this way, but we all know that this is only because of what my ex did to me and what happened last year. I think if you read the above, you can see that is all a LOT of specific and deep feelings and details about something I just made up off the top of my head.
I can't be out there parading around like a girl? Why the fuck not? I don't "parade" anything. I simply am.
There's nothing wrong with (My Given Name). Oh yes there was. There was plenty wrong with him. He wasn't even a real person, he was someone different to everyone who knew him because he could only be who others wanted him to be and had no thoughts or opinions of his own, unless they were the same as whoever he was talking to. Funny, he seemed like a completely different person around females though. Like he was in his comfort zone and didn't (or couldn't) pretend because he was in his own element.
My children need a daddy. No, we've done this one to death.
I'm going to mess my children up. For one thing, their mother has done a masterful job of that already. Furthermore, how can I expect my children to stand up and be themselves if I'm afraid to do so, and that is NOT a bad character trait to have. Nor is acceptance of others. And in conclusion, fuck that.
The people who claim to support me are laughing at me behind my back. Well, they should all be in Hollywood, because DAMN they're really really good at it. They're just so freaking sincere. Oh, and the people who are watching the people behind my back (behind their backs) would kick their asses if they ever did that.
I can still like girly things but be a "sensitive guy." No, actually, I can't. I can't be ANY kind of guy, because I don't know how. My impulses, my behaviors, my instincts all go against this.
I like scary movies and video games, I can't be a girl. Riiiiiiiiight. That's too stupid for a response. Just ask my sister, who is very much a female and enjoys watching football while drinking beer.
I can dress like a girl in the privacy of my own home, but it needs to stay there. Yes, because I'm so afraid of what people think of me and I'm too ashamed of who I am to be seen in public.
I don't have to wear a skirt to be a woman. Of course not. For the most part, I wear t-shirts and jeans. But sometimes, I just like to dress up and be REALLY girly. Okay, I'm girlier than most of my girlfriends (they have all told me this), but I still just like to be lazy and go with the t-shirt/jeans thing.
My mother doesn't even OWN makeup. I know. But I do. And I know how to use it. I have plenty of female friends who don't own makeup or like to wear it. It's all a matter of personal preference (oh, and I know straight, manly men who wear concealer for a wide variety of reasons). My mother also can't walk in heels, but I can.
This isn't me. Yes it is. No it's not. Yes it is. No it's not. Yes, we really did get THAT fucking juvenile about this.
I can't be a woman because I've never felt the pain of being a woman and I'll never have a period. I held my tongue, but perhaps I should have told her that I'm currently coming off my second period, and that my first one was last month.
My counselor is an idiot. No, my counselor doesn't automatically agree with my mother.
Everyone who accepts me as I am is an idiot. Sorry guys, mommy said so. It has to be true.
My security company will fail because no one will want to work for me, and anyone who I supervise won't respect me. If our investor did not know about me AND feel completely competent that I could do the job and make money for him, he would not be giving us $30,000 and telling us to run this.
My head is messed up, and we need a second opinion. No. That's where my ex went with this. I've been down this road before and I know where it leads and I will NEVER go back to that place. I'd rather die. You know what happens when the second opinion is no different than the first? We need a third opinion. Possibly a fourth. But at some point we give up on medical advice and we decide that it must be abused out of me.
My dad at least admitted he's too confused to know what to think and went to bed. Some of the statements made above were his though. He's only supportive of me if I keep my "girly" things away from him.
My mother decided to stay up and keep arguing. Finally, I went home. I went home, where she couldn't see me, where she couldn't see how much she hurt me, and I broke down crying until I fell asleep.
There were two things she said that hurt my heart. I did motion to myself at one point and say, "Is this really so terrible." And she immediately said, "Yes, it is." I told her a lot of people tell me that I'm beautiful and it looks natural. She said, "Well, it's not. You look like you're dressed up for Halloween."
I told her what happened at work, about how I was pretty much threatened and forced into getting my haircut and how wrong that was. And, with no feeling, no emotion, no anything, she said, "Don't you think you brought that on yourself?" No, they aren't even proud of me for taking a stand at work and for changing policies that will serve to benefit employees in every agency of this state.
My mother knew before I came out to her. She has known for a long time, I suspect. She isn't denying this, she is aggressively denying it. The signs were all there when I was growing up. She found my stash of girl clothes twice when I was growing up. The last time was when I was 17, when she flipped my mattress (My hiding spot at the time was between the mattress and box springs). I came home from school and went to my room and found they were gone. She called me to her room and had everything there. All she said was, "These are for girls. You are not a girl." And... that was that. It was never spoke of again. I've always thought that was a VERY mild reaction and it was very hastily swept under the rug.
I want to work this out, I want to come to SOME kind of understanding... but... if things don't change I'll have no choice but to remove them from my life again. I will NOT have people in my life who are toxic to me. Not again. Everyone tells me they need time, and I understand that. But this seems to go deeper than just simple lack of understanding. How much time is enough? When do I put my foot down? When do I say enough is enough and cut them off?
. You yourself are going to have to accept that your parents (which you expected) will NOT accept you at this time. You know that lots of other people on this planet don't accept - but you keep your chin up and deal with them with elegance and grace. (and shake your head afterwards, hoping they will see the light later). That's what you have to do with your parents. 
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