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You know, even I'm starting to become alarmed and amazed at the quantity of....whatever this is....that I put up with every week. >.>
Decidedly Un-International Man of Mystery
Me: “And your name please, ma’am?”
SC: “Uhh..”
You may not realize this, but that is never an encouraging noise in response to a question. Now, I know that it’s rather cold up there, and much like a car engine your brain needs to be started up and left in the drive way for a few minutes to warm up. Before it is capable of accomplishing anything. However, I would appreciate if you did this before you called.
SC: “I wanna put it under Jim Reindeer”
….Jim…Reindeer? Is there suppose to be a “The” in the middle? I feel compelled to point out two things here: A) I cannot accept orders on behalf of wild animals and B) Reindeers don’t actually need pants.
Unless that was some sort of joke that just didn’t translate across the cultural divide that well. Come to think of it, it does sound kind like a sort of low budget rip off of 007. Perhaps one produced locally that airs on public access. Documenting the adventures of a distinctly un-international but never the less sly, debonair superspy / dog sled racer who does battle with the sophisticated criminal masterminds of the north. Who…ever they might be….I don’t know. Perhaps a locally infamous walrus smuggler with a penchant for lasers. His nefarious plans can be stopped by only one man:
Reindeer, Jim Reindeer.
Move It Along, Sister
Me: “And your phone number please, ma’am?”
SC: “uuuuuuuuhhhhhhh…..8 <giggle>”
Me: “……….?”
SC: “…….You got it?”
Yes, I got it. I am also capable of processing more than 1 number at a time. You may proceed through the rest of the phone number in wild abandon. Rest assured I will be able to keep up my stalwart documentation. So go ahead, let your hair down, cut loose and party your way through all 10.
Me: “And the item number, please?”
SC: “6”
Me: “……..?”
SC: “……..”
Me: “….Yes?”
SC: “7”
Me: “…….?"
SC: “……..”
Me: “….....Yes?”
SC: "0"
Right, the next time you call to order, do you think you could give me a heads up? I mean, obviously we're going to be enduring each other's company for some time here. The least you could do when you call is have the courtesy to go "Ok, this may take a while. Do you want a minute to get some water and an energy bar?" or even a simple "Ha ha! I hope you packed a sandwich, fucker!" would suffice.
( Call Duration: 15m37s. Items Ordered: 3 )
Ew.
I spent the whole trip downtown this evening sitting behind an older gentleman I’ve taken to calling Rubberneck McGrundy. Solely because, despite being in at least his mid-40s, he still seems absolutely amazed that vagina exists. Thus any appearance of a an attractive female ( the younger the better, of course ) on the Skytrain platform led to him plastering his face and hands against the window as the train pulled up. Eyes like saucers. Mouth agape. Just…staring. At every station. He would select a target and fixate. Stopping only when the train pulling away finally broke his line of sight.
Because if there’s anything you want to make you feel at ease riding public transit after dark, it’s looking up and realizing you're being eye fucked by a man twice your age with poor impulse control.
Suuuuure
Me: “Could you hold a moment, please?”
SC: "No! I've already been on hold for TWO HOURS!!"
Me: "Ma'am, the lines have only been open for 12 minutes."
SC: "........"
Me: "........"
SC: "Well, hmph!"
You know, frankly you wouldn't have looked less like an idiot if you had waited on hold for 2 hours either.
Dubious Superpowers
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx”
Let me just stop you right there. I feel the need to intervene in what I am sensing is a terrible, terrible idea that may lead to grevious bodily harm.
I know that "Marmot Gravity Jacket" with "Angel Wing Movement" sounds like a jacket that has a high possibility of granting at least some basic low level superpowers. But trust me, they're just marketing terms. This jacket in no way negates gravity nor allows the user to fly or even glide over short distances. Marmots have the exact same gravity as everyone else.
I guess it might grant you the power of marmots themselves. But seeing as those are basically slower, fatter squirrels, I’m not sure such abilities would have any practical applications.
Such A Stupid Question
I was momentarily stunned by an inquiry on my way out of the station this evening. You know, the sort of question that is so beyond silly your brain actually shuts down to protect itself and you just sort of stand there. Wordlessly opening and closing your mouth, trying to formulate a serious response. I was only able to answer in single words and gestures after recovering from the shock.
You see, some Skytrain stations have one big middle platform for both East and Westbound trains. But others have two seperate platforms, one for each direction. So you must select the correct staircase in order to get to the correct platform for the Eastbound or Westbound track. It might cause momentary confusion, but it is a rather easy riddle to figure out. Especially with all of the giant signs everywhere telling you where to go.
Thus when someone stopped me and asked “Hey, how do you get to the other side?” referring to the opposite platform, I was briefly stunned into incoherence. Mainly because in order to reach me to ask this question, he had to walk around the staircase and past the elevator that would have taken him to the other platform. Both of which are plastered with signs. The elevator even has "ELEVATOR" stamped on the door in giant letters.
I could only point at the stairs and elevator in turn and grunt “Stairs. Elevator.”. Which is fortunate, as a more complex explanation may have gone over his head.
By Your Powers Combined
SC: “It stinks again! My face is going numb.”
Clean your house. Seriously, I have 15 calls in my log here from the last 7 days. 14 are from you. Whatever you smell is localized to your immediate environment. You may wish to search your immediate surroundings for dead bodies and/or expired milk.
Yay?
Me: “Do you have an account number?”
SC: “Uh, yes, but I don’t know where i-OH HO HO WOAH! LOOKY HERE! OH MY GOD! I do too!”
…Yes, truly it is a miracle. Allow me to hum the chorus of “Hallejuah” for the duration of this call in celebration of your achievement.
The Line
Me: "Alright, your tickets should arrive in a week or two-"
SC: “If I win I’ll take you out for a steak dinner.”
Now now, Mr Bond. I never mix business with pleasure.
SC: “If I can find you.”
……I….I rather think I would prefer to not be found. You must be a hit at parties. If there’s one thing women love, it’s the guy that just can’t seem to find the line that divides “Ha Ha” and “Stacey, get your purse, we’re leaving before he comes back.”.
Oddly Specific
“Hey, do you have a couple bucks for a transfer?”
No, no I do not Rob the Native guy with the wavy hair in the dark shirt with the sunglasses carrying a Chihuahua who is Rick’s roommate. But I do wonder why it is you’re on the Skytrain asking me this question when you obviously lack the transfer that demostrates you have paid the fare.
Although, I do wish you could have seen the look on the face of the guy whose cell phone you borrowed to call a “friend to pick me up” when you had to loudly remind this “friend” who you were. By describing yourself as “Rob the Native guy with the wavy hair in the dark shirt with the sunglasses carrying a Chihuahua. You know, Rick’s roommate.”
But We Have Such Wonders
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Uh, not really.”
You don’t sound convinced. Are you sure you don’t want to place an order? We have many wonderous and amazing items in a plethora of eye searing colours that will help you stand out for miles on the arctic tundra. Whether you’re just trying to survive the tempature or you want to look like an extra in a rap video. Or both. We’ve got you covered!
We even have a jacket that will grant you the power of a large squirrel.
Mystery
Me: “Good evening, <company> Tech Support”
SC: “What’s this?”
Me: “This is <company> Tech Support”
SC: "Is this a taxi cab?”
Me: “No”
SC: “What is this again?”
You know, you’d think <company> Tech Support wouldn’t really leave any room for mystery as to the function of this company.
Geez
Me: “And your first name please, ma’am?”
SC: “Siaqawatukkij”
O…okay…….are…are you serious? I mean, I’ll be the first to admit that some rather odd names tend to go by on this line. But this is the first time I’ve encountered anyone whose parents turned to one another and went “Oh, Honey, we should name her after what’s left on screen after we shoosh the cat off the keyboard. It’s perfect!”.
Northern Exposure
Me: “What is your name please, sir?”
SC: “Vaqvauqajittkshaa”
Oh, hey! I think I met your sister.
Me: “Which catalog are you looking in there?”
SC: “Uhh……..I’d like to…..uhhhh……jeans”
Me: “Which catalog are they in though? I can't find them in my inventory.”
SC: “Jeans”
Me: “Yes, but which catalog are you looking in? 2010? 2011? Fall? Winter?”
SC: “Wha?”
Me: “Which catalog is this?”
SC: “What? Code?”
Me: “Is this the Fall catalog? Or the Winter catalog or?”
SC: “Uh. 1.”
….Sure, Catalog #1. Let’s just go with that. I’d like to finish this call before the end of my shift and I only have 5 hours to go.
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “I only have that in stock in small.”
SC: “That’s the large?”
Me: “I don’t have that in stock in large, sorry.”
SC: “Extra large?”
Me: “I don’t have that, sorry. I only have it in small.”
SC: “Uhhhhhhhh…..is that pretty small?”
Me: “Yes, that’s small.”
SC: “Is that very small?”
Me: “…Yes.”
SC: “I need a big one.”
Me: “I don’t have any in stock, sorry.”
SC: “Uh, well, I’ll just get it anyway.”
But…..but why? It’s not going to fit. It would be pointless. Futile. You’re paying for something you cannot possibly utilize. Do you not see the inherent folly with this decision? You, as in you, the person calling me right now and desperately trying to struggle his way through a basic conversation. Are going to pay, as in trade your shiny objects for, an article of clothing, that’s the thing you have to put on to stop you from being arrested when you leave the house, that you cannot actually wear. Thus rendering it futile in preventing you from being arrested when you leave the house.
SC: “What about….uh…..wait………..xxxx”
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any of those in stock.”
SC: “Wha?”
Me: “I don’t have any of those at all.”
SC: “I’ll get a large.”
Me: “I don’t have that in stock, sir.”
SC: “Huh?”
Me: “I don’t have any of those”
SC: “Uhhh……wait…..”
I’m beginning to get the impression that the sentences I am using are too complex for you. If you wish, I can just shout “NO! BAD!” from here on whenever you’re about to make a tragic mistake.
SC: “I’ll just get uh, xxxx”
……That’s the same item you just asked for. Which I do not have. Wait, sorry….
NO! BAD!
Me: “I don’t have that one, sir.”
SC: “Wha?”
Me: “I don’t have that item.”
SC: “You don’t have that one?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “You don’t have it?”
Me: “No, I don’t have that item, sir.”
SC: “Uhh….”
I have none. Nadda. Zilch. Zero. Where that item should be is only nothingness. Much like the inside of your head.
SC: “Uh, what did I order?”
…What? Really? Alright, before we proceed can I just ask you to do me a quick favour? Put the phone down, take off your hat ( You’re wearing one. We both know it. Just admit it. ) and place both hands on your head. Now, start feeling around your skull for holes or damp spots. Your ears don’t count. We’re looking for any possible leaks or cracks leading directly into your brain that may have resulted from the cranial trauma you seem to be suffering from.
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “….You already ordered that, sir. That's the one I only had in small.”
SC: “Oh yeah? I’ll get that one.”
Me: “…You sure want it in small?”
SC: “Is that too small?”
Me: “It’s a small sir, I don’t have it in L or XL”
SC: “Uh, yeah. I’ll just get it.”
Me: “Are you absolutely sure? It’s not going to fit.”
SC: “Yeah, I’ll get it.”
.....I can’t believe you just made this mistake twice, even with my cautionary counsel.
SC: “And this one: xxxx”
Me: “You’ve already ordered that one, sir.”
SC: “Yeah.”
…..Then why did you ask for it again?
SC: “xxxx, that one too.”
Me: “You’ve already ordered that one as well.”
SC: “Yeah, I know.”
……..Then…why did you…..ask……NO! BAD!
Me: “Will that be by credit card or COD?”
SC: “Oh, I dun have ID, I jus got outta jail 2 weeks ago.”
Let me guess: Indecent exposure?
annnnd rest
Decidedly Un-International Man of Mystery
Me: “And your name please, ma’am?”
SC: “Uhh..”
You may not realize this, but that is never an encouraging noise in response to a question. Now, I know that it’s rather cold up there, and much like a car engine your brain needs to be started up and left in the drive way for a few minutes to warm up. Before it is capable of accomplishing anything. However, I would appreciate if you did this before you called.
SC: “I wanna put it under Jim Reindeer”
….Jim…Reindeer? Is there suppose to be a “The” in the middle? I feel compelled to point out two things here: A) I cannot accept orders on behalf of wild animals and B) Reindeers don’t actually need pants.
Unless that was some sort of joke that just didn’t translate across the cultural divide that well. Come to think of it, it does sound kind like a sort of low budget rip off of 007. Perhaps one produced locally that airs on public access. Documenting the adventures of a distinctly un-international but never the less sly, debonair superspy / dog sled racer who does battle with the sophisticated criminal masterminds of the north. Who…ever they might be….I don’t know. Perhaps a locally infamous walrus smuggler with a penchant for lasers. His nefarious plans can be stopped by only one man:
Reindeer, Jim Reindeer.
Move It Along, Sister
Me: “And your phone number please, ma’am?”
SC: “uuuuuuuuhhhhhhh…..8 <giggle>”
Me: “……….?”
SC: “…….You got it?”
Yes, I got it. I am also capable of processing more than 1 number at a time. You may proceed through the rest of the phone number in wild abandon. Rest assured I will be able to keep up my stalwart documentation. So go ahead, let your hair down, cut loose and party your way through all 10.
Me: “And the item number, please?”
SC: “6”
Me: “……..?”
SC: “……..”
Me: “….Yes?”
SC: “7”
Me: “…….?"
SC: “……..”
Me: “….....Yes?”
SC: "0"
Right, the next time you call to order, do you think you could give me a heads up? I mean, obviously we're going to be enduring each other's company for some time here. The least you could do when you call is have the courtesy to go "Ok, this may take a while. Do you want a minute to get some water and an energy bar?" or even a simple "Ha ha! I hope you packed a sandwich, fucker!" would suffice.
( Call Duration: 15m37s. Items Ordered: 3 )
Ew.
I spent the whole trip downtown this evening sitting behind an older gentleman I’ve taken to calling Rubberneck McGrundy. Solely because, despite being in at least his mid-40s, he still seems absolutely amazed that vagina exists. Thus any appearance of a an attractive female ( the younger the better, of course ) on the Skytrain platform led to him plastering his face and hands against the window as the train pulled up. Eyes like saucers. Mouth agape. Just…staring. At every station. He would select a target and fixate. Stopping only when the train pulling away finally broke his line of sight.
Because if there’s anything you want to make you feel at ease riding public transit after dark, it’s looking up and realizing you're being eye fucked by a man twice your age with poor impulse control.
Suuuuure
Me: “Could you hold a moment, please?”
SC: "No! I've already been on hold for TWO HOURS!!"
Me: "Ma'am, the lines have only been open for 12 minutes."
SC: "........"
Me: "........"
SC: "Well, hmph!"
You know, frankly you wouldn't have looked less like an idiot if you had waited on hold for 2 hours either.
Dubious Superpowers
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx”
Let me just stop you right there. I feel the need to intervene in what I am sensing is a terrible, terrible idea that may lead to grevious bodily harm.
I know that "Marmot Gravity Jacket" with "Angel Wing Movement" sounds like a jacket that has a high possibility of granting at least some basic low level superpowers. But trust me, they're just marketing terms. This jacket in no way negates gravity nor allows the user to fly or even glide over short distances. Marmots have the exact same gravity as everyone else.
I guess it might grant you the power of marmots themselves. But seeing as those are basically slower, fatter squirrels, I’m not sure such abilities would have any practical applications.
Such A Stupid Question
I was momentarily stunned by an inquiry on my way out of the station this evening. You know, the sort of question that is so beyond silly your brain actually shuts down to protect itself and you just sort of stand there. Wordlessly opening and closing your mouth, trying to formulate a serious response. I was only able to answer in single words and gestures after recovering from the shock.
You see, some Skytrain stations have one big middle platform for both East and Westbound trains. But others have two seperate platforms, one for each direction. So you must select the correct staircase in order to get to the correct platform for the Eastbound or Westbound track. It might cause momentary confusion, but it is a rather easy riddle to figure out. Especially with all of the giant signs everywhere telling you where to go.
Thus when someone stopped me and asked “Hey, how do you get to the other side?” referring to the opposite platform, I was briefly stunned into incoherence. Mainly because in order to reach me to ask this question, he had to walk around the staircase and past the elevator that would have taken him to the other platform. Both of which are plastered with signs. The elevator even has "ELEVATOR" stamped on the door in giant letters.
I could only point at the stairs and elevator in turn and grunt “Stairs. Elevator.”. Which is fortunate, as a more complex explanation may have gone over his head.
By Your Powers Combined
SC: “It stinks again! My face is going numb.”
Clean your house. Seriously, I have 15 calls in my log here from the last 7 days. 14 are from you. Whatever you smell is localized to your immediate environment. You may wish to search your immediate surroundings for dead bodies and/or expired milk.
Yay?
Me: “Do you have an account number?”
SC: “Uh, yes, but I don’t know where i-OH HO HO WOAH! LOOKY HERE! OH MY GOD! I do too!”
…Yes, truly it is a miracle. Allow me to hum the chorus of “Hallejuah” for the duration of this call in celebration of your achievement.
The Line
Me: "Alright, your tickets should arrive in a week or two-"
SC: “If I win I’ll take you out for a steak dinner.”
Now now, Mr Bond. I never mix business with pleasure.
SC: “If I can find you.”
……I….I rather think I would prefer to not be found. You must be a hit at parties. If there’s one thing women love, it’s the guy that just can’t seem to find the line that divides “Ha Ha” and “Stacey, get your purse, we’re leaving before he comes back.”.
Oddly Specific
“Hey, do you have a couple bucks for a transfer?”
No, no I do not Rob the Native guy with the wavy hair in the dark shirt with the sunglasses carrying a Chihuahua who is Rick’s roommate. But I do wonder why it is you’re on the Skytrain asking me this question when you obviously lack the transfer that demostrates you have paid the fare.
Although, I do wish you could have seen the look on the face of the guy whose cell phone you borrowed to call a “friend to pick me up” when you had to loudly remind this “friend” who you were. By describing yourself as “Rob the Native guy with the wavy hair in the dark shirt with the sunglasses carrying a Chihuahua. You know, Rick’s roommate.”
But We Have Such Wonders
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Uh, not really.”
You don’t sound convinced. Are you sure you don’t want to place an order? We have many wonderous and amazing items in a plethora of eye searing colours that will help you stand out for miles on the arctic tundra. Whether you’re just trying to survive the tempature or you want to look like an extra in a rap video. Or both. We’ve got you covered!
We even have a jacket that will grant you the power of a large squirrel.
Mystery
Me: “Good evening, <company> Tech Support”
SC: “What’s this?”
Me: “This is <company> Tech Support”
SC: "Is this a taxi cab?”
Me: “No”
SC: “What is this again?”
You know, you’d think <company> Tech Support wouldn’t really leave any room for mystery as to the function of this company.
Geez
Me: “And your first name please, ma’am?”
SC: “Siaqawatukkij”
O…okay…….are…are you serious? I mean, I’ll be the first to admit that some rather odd names tend to go by on this line. But this is the first time I’ve encountered anyone whose parents turned to one another and went “Oh, Honey, we should name her after what’s left on screen after we shoosh the cat off the keyboard. It’s perfect!”.
Northern Exposure
Me: “What is your name please, sir?”
SC: “Vaqvauqajittkshaa”
Oh, hey! I think I met your sister.
Me: “Which catalog are you looking in there?”
SC: “Uhh……..I’d like to…..uhhhh……jeans”
Me: “Which catalog are they in though? I can't find them in my inventory.”
SC: “Jeans”
Me: “Yes, but which catalog are you looking in? 2010? 2011? Fall? Winter?”
SC: “Wha?”
Me: “Which catalog is this?”
SC: “What? Code?”
Me: “Is this the Fall catalog? Or the Winter catalog or?”
SC: “Uh. 1.”
….Sure, Catalog #1. Let’s just go with that. I’d like to finish this call before the end of my shift and I only have 5 hours to go.
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “I only have that in stock in small.”
SC: “That’s the large?”
Me: “I don’t have that in stock in large, sorry.”
SC: “Extra large?”
Me: “I don’t have that, sorry. I only have it in small.”
SC: “Uhhhhhhhh…..is that pretty small?”
Me: “Yes, that’s small.”
SC: “Is that very small?”
Me: “…Yes.”
SC: “I need a big one.”
Me: “I don’t have any in stock, sorry.”
SC: “Uh, well, I’ll just get it anyway.”
But…..but why? It’s not going to fit. It would be pointless. Futile. You’re paying for something you cannot possibly utilize. Do you not see the inherent folly with this decision? You, as in you, the person calling me right now and desperately trying to struggle his way through a basic conversation. Are going to pay, as in trade your shiny objects for, an article of clothing, that’s the thing you have to put on to stop you from being arrested when you leave the house, that you cannot actually wear. Thus rendering it futile in preventing you from being arrested when you leave the house.
SC: “What about….uh…..wait………..xxxx”
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any of those in stock.”
SC: “Wha?”
Me: “I don’t have any of those at all.”
SC: “I’ll get a large.”
Me: “I don’t have that in stock, sir.”
SC: “Huh?”
Me: “I don’t have any of those”
SC: “Uhhh……wait…..”
I’m beginning to get the impression that the sentences I am using are too complex for you. If you wish, I can just shout “NO! BAD!” from here on whenever you’re about to make a tragic mistake.
SC: “I’ll just get uh, xxxx”
……That’s the same item you just asked for. Which I do not have. Wait, sorry….
NO! BAD!
Me: “I don’t have that one, sir.”
SC: “Wha?”
Me: “I don’t have that item.”
SC: “You don’t have that one?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “You don’t have it?”
Me: “No, I don’t have that item, sir.”
SC: “Uhh….”
I have none. Nadda. Zilch. Zero. Where that item should be is only nothingness. Much like the inside of your head.
SC: “Uh, what did I order?”
…What? Really? Alright, before we proceed can I just ask you to do me a quick favour? Put the phone down, take off your hat ( You’re wearing one. We both know it. Just admit it. ) and place both hands on your head. Now, start feeling around your skull for holes or damp spots. Your ears don’t count. We’re looking for any possible leaks or cracks leading directly into your brain that may have resulted from the cranial trauma you seem to be suffering from.
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “….You already ordered that, sir. That's the one I only had in small.”
SC: “Oh yeah? I’ll get that one.”
Me: “…You sure want it in small?”
SC: “Is that too small?”
Me: “It’s a small sir, I don’t have it in L or XL”
SC: “Uh, yeah. I’ll just get it.”
Me: “Are you absolutely sure? It’s not going to fit.”
SC: “Yeah, I’ll get it.”
.....I can’t believe you just made this mistake twice, even with my cautionary counsel.
SC: “And this one: xxxx”
Me: “You’ve already ordered that one, sir.”
SC: “Yeah.”
…..Then why did you ask for it again?
SC: “xxxx, that one too.”
Me: “You’ve already ordered that one as well.”
SC: “Yeah, I know.”
……..Then…why did you…..ask……NO! BAD!
Me: “Will that be by credit card or COD?”
SC: “Oh, I dun have ID, I jus got outta jail 2 weeks ago.”
Let me guess: Indecent exposure?
annnnd rest
) that you get to experience many more.
)
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