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Halloween Round-Up 2011 ( Now With Bonus Homophobia~ )
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Old 10-31-2011, 08:03 PM
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Unhappy Halloween Round-Up 2011 ( Now With Bonus Homophobia~ )

Lord help us, but its that time of year again. Where we must discuss the spectacle that occurs around my work place on Halloween weekends. >.>




Where Else Would It Go

SC: “If I place an order, will it be sent to my mailing address?”

That….is the idea, yes. Hence the term “Mailing” address. Which implies that anything which transits by mail would in fact arrive there. Since we are planning to mail your order to you in lieu of having any sort of advanced teleportation technology.


Me: “Of course.”
SC: “It’s just that when I order from Sears it goes to the Sears store near me.”

……and you somehow think that anything you order via mail will end up at Sears? Has Sears somehow intercepted your mail in the past? Do you go to Sears to pick up your mail? Don’t you think perhaps that Sears is a bit too controlling? Maybe you should stop dating Sears. It doesn’t sound like Sears is good for you. In fact I bet Sears is cheating on you. Probably with Zellers, that whore. Did you see how much make up she had on Friday night?



Let Me Just Stop You Right There

Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Who?”

…..Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m afraid you may not be qualified to place an order with us. Is there a parent, guardian or psychiatric professional nearby you could ask to help you?



That Was Odd?

On the way downtown this evening, I suddenly found myself in alarming proximity to the following conversation on the Skytrain:

“We have to go to Waterfront.”
“Why Waterfront?”
“ These two want to take us to Deutschland and murder us. Probably with axes.”
“What?! I don’t want to go to Deustchland!”
“You don’t have any choice!”
“Awww, fine. Take us to Deustchland!”
“Yes, we must go to Deustchland!”
"TO DEUSTCHLAND!"

Then two of them proceeded to hum what I assume is the German national anthem the rest of the way downtown.




What?

SC: “I want to buy water.”

Alright, that was pretty far down on my list of things I expected to hear on this line considering we sell clothing. But that aside, and far be it for me to ridicule your desires, but you do realize there are many points in your home which will magically grant you water for free, right? One of them even keeps a ready supply of fresh, cool, sparkling liquid in a bowl for you at all times. It’s like your own private water bar! Just lift the lid and dunk a glass.





Your Mind Is Blown


SC: “I got one of those little things from somebody.”

One of those little things, you say? Do tell.


SC: “It has a code on it.”

Does it now?


SC: “Can I bring a guest with me? It doesn’t work if you have a partner and you go do something that like by yourself, changes your mentality level. Like higher thinking and perceiving things, and like fitting your own definition of things then trying to explain that to someone else. Because you're no longer on the same plane of understanding.”

On totally, man. I’m right there with you. You’ve gotta like, open your mind man but that makes it harder to talk to people with closed minds. People who don’t like, accept the wavelengths of ideas outside of their own selfish egos man.

On a side note, you know you're trying to register for a seminar on real estate marketing, right?



SC: “Do you know if anyone has had, like, their consciousness shifted after this?”

….Ok seriously, what kind of seminar to you think this is, exactly? Because I think you're setting yourself up for quite a bit of dissappointment.



I MUST SEE THEM
( Background: We were taking overflow calls for a pledge drive on TV this week. They hired us as backup in case they got too busy, basically. The line is strictly for donating to the cause. )

SC: “They’re showing the credits now and they stopped it right it at the beginning to put a plug-in for donations! Meanwhile, the credits are going on and I was so interested to see the credits, but they’re cut in half!”

…you’re….upset that you can’t read the credits after a TV show? So upset in fact that you actually reached for the phone so you could report this to us? So you were actually sitting there, gleefully reading along, when the pledge drive dared barge in to <gasp> ask for donations and you immediately went “THIS IS AN OUTRAGE” and reached for the phone? I must admit, I’m really not sure how to respond here. You have a level of time on your hands that is rather difficult for me to wrap my head around. Perhaps you should consider a hobby.


SC: “Anyway, I want you to pass that along to whomever’s in charge of the network that I’m so disappointed that I can’t see the credits!”

Fear not, good lady, I vow that I will pass that along the very moment I find someone who cares.



Huzzah!

SC: “Do you have, like, shoes for playing broomball on ice?”

No, no we do not. However, allow me to be the first to congratulate you and your small, barren, alarmingly remote community for finally having discovered another pastime besides calling me in the dead of night to order pants. I sincerely hope that from here on out, you will devote at least half of your time to this newfound form of entertainment and I look forward to hearing less from you.




I Really Wonder Sometimes

Me: “And your first name please ma’am?”
SC: “Rihanna”
Me: “How do you spell that, please?”
SC: “…......um.....Rihanna”

Yes, I caught that part. But I do not know how to spell Rihanna as it has many varients. I was kind of banking on you knowing how to spell Rihanna. You are my first, last and only hope here. I’m counting entirely on you. Everything rests on your shoulders. It all comes down to this. This is your moment. You go, girlfriend.



Me: “Alright, but how do you spell it please?”
SC: “…um…..R-I-A-, wait no, H-N.....ummm...Y?"

……You……really don’t know how to spell it either, do you?



Who You Gonna Call?

Let me see if I have this straight: You came home and found a strange man passed out in your suite. You’ve never seen him before. You’re not even sure if he lives in the building. He’s likely drunk off his arse and he has peed all over your carpet. Yet you still insist that this is a job for maintenance as opposed to, you know, the police. Now you’re demanding that maintenance drive over there and remove him from your suite. Because if there’s anything maintenance handles, its apprehending B&E suspects?

Right, got it.



They're Everywhere!


We all had a good laugh on this one. >.>

During the aforementioned pledge drive, if the lines are really busy the client gives the option to press 2 to leave a voicemail and we'll call you back. Upon reviewing them this evening, this particular gem was discovered:

This crotchy old woman called in to complain, at length, about The Gay(tm) She had fallen asleep on her couch earlier watching TV and when she woke up, the first thing she saw on TV was two men kiss ( <gasp> ). So she immediatelly called the first number that appeared on screen ( the pledge drive plug that appears between regular programming ) to complain. She was disgusted, appalled and horrified that we ( despite having nothing to do with the programming of course ) would dare show two men kissing and how this was the last channel on TV that wasn't full of "queers". We had robbed her last bit of Queer Free TV(tm) and she would NEVER watch the channel again and certainly NEVER donate to any charity cause that appeared on the same channel. Regardless of what it was because it dared to be anywhere near The Gay(tm).

We all agreed she was sincerely lucky she left a voicemail and didn't wait to talk to one of us. It would not have been pretty. -.-



Halloween Round Up 2011

It is that time once again, my pretties. Where we must delve into the spectacle that trots itself out around my office in the dead of night at this time of year. For those of you unaware of the tradition, this is a compilation of noteworthy....costumes....witnessed on the streets around my workplace over the Halloween weekend. >.>



Grunge Bunny

I spotted this unsettling specimen at Broadway ( of course ) and come to think of it, I’m not entirely sure he was even aware it was Halloween. He was wearing the ever classic generic white full body Easter Bunny costume. Except the costume had seen….better days. Really, it looked like he had found it in an old trunk in the basement of his grandmother’s place right after a flood. Again, I’m not entirely sure if he was intentionally dressing up for Halloween, or if this was just the only time of year he could wander around in public without tipping off the police that he was violating his parole conditions.

Seriously though, there are many different messages a costume choice can send to other people. But it takes a particularly special costume to send the message "Did you get that tested for semen first?"



Dollar Store Devil

This appears every year and usually in rather large numbers. It’s one of a trio of bargain bin costumes that typically cost less than the transit fare required to get downtown with them. All it requires is approximately 1 dollar and 73 cents worth of plastic shaped like devil horns. It joins two other minimal costumes to form the Token Effort Triforce of Halloween: Plastic Devil Horns, Cat Ears or Bunny Ears.



Sad Bunny Fu-Fu

Another of the Token Effort Triforce: The $1 Bunny Ears. Was accompanying Dollar Store Devil and quite obviously had been forced to wear what he had on judging from his sunken shoulders, shameful expression and refusal to make eye contact with anyone.



Uncommitted Boxer

Otherwise known as “Hey, I want to go as a boxer but screw that, it’s cold outside. So I’ll just wear boxing trunks over my jeans and keep my sweater on with the boxing gloves. Because that won’t look odd at all.”



Bear Grylls

I once had the misfortune to flick past Man vs Wild and see Bear Grylls skin a seal and wear it like a vest to keep himself warm. This intrepid young lad had gone a similar route but had, instead, set upon his little sister’s favourite stuffed animal. There was not enough material left over from the carcass to completely coat himself however, so he had no sleeves and was forced to wear furry novelty paws. With his t-shirt, furry seal vest and unsettling adorable furry seal mask.

Come to think of, seals do not actually have paws. So he was actually dressed as some sort of unsettlingly fluffy chimera.




The Most Unfortunate Mountie

I must say, your costume is quite impressive……..from the waist up. But I think someone has played a cruel joke on you as to the particulars of formal RCMP dress. Specifically, they do not wear spandex tights with their red coats. Though that is not actually why he is unfortunate…..



The Devil In Baskin Robbins’

Those….those are ice cream cones glued to your forehead as make shift devil horns, aren’t they? They are. I admit I admire your ingenuity, but I’m concerned as to exactly what you used to affix those. They appear to be affixed quite securely and I highly doubt you used any sort of specialized make up compound to attach them. I’m guessing it was more along the lines of “Hey, I bet superglue would totally work” and foresee a trip to the ER in your future.



Tequila Maid

This rather alarming sight stumbled onto the Skytrain in a skimpy French Maid outfit and immediately declared to the entire train “Oh my god I am SO fucking wasted!”. Now, I will not begrudge anyone's right to wear whatever costume they want, but lets face it, there are times when errors in judgement have been made. This is one of those times. This girl was....big, to put it politely. In every direction, mind you. At least 6 foot tall to begin with. But, normally, hey, long as your happy. However in this case we've entered an alarming situation where someone has insisted on wearing a g-string, but the string part is.....well.....not visible. It has been.....lost beneath. >.>

After her proclaimation, she spotted the Most Unfortunate Mountie and declared “Oh my God, I have GOT to high five him!”. Both of her friends attempted to discourage her from this embarrassing course of action, but she would not be stifled. They then attempted to restrain her, but neither of them was a match for the power of Tequila. She broke free, stumbled over to him with all the grace of a wounded buffalo and requested “OMIGAWD CAN I HIGH FIVE YOU!?”

I could see the fear in his eyes as he weighed his escape options before finally conceding the safest route was to just comply and hope she went away. Which she did, for a few stops anyway. She was content to mill about with her friends for a while, when another glorious idea hit her and she lumbered back over to the poor Mountie and said, and I quote directly: “You’re a Mountie aren’t you? Then WHY DON’T YOU MOUNT ME?! COME ON, MOUNT ME!”

I’ve never seen a man go pale that fast in my life, and now you know how the Mountie got his name.



Zombie Gaius Baltar


Well, at least I think that’s what it was. It’s possible he was just mentally disturbed and dressed up as a zombie, and that I am vastly overestimating his creativity. Still, the resemblance was uncanny.




Jagger & Jagger

Not sure why they both decided to go as Mick Jagger right down to having the same pants on. Also, neither of them applied the appropriate make up by hitting themselves in the face with a shovel a few times. Either way, they both sat around on the train doing awful, awful impressions of British accents. With occasional bouts where one of the Jaggers thought he could sing.

He was sadly mistaken.



Just A Pear

Just a pear. At Broadway. A big, round, perfectly normal pear with arms and a face that was unable to actually sit on the Skytrain due to his pearness. It was such an oddly mundane costume that it actually broke through the other side and came across as kind of weird.



The Misfits

+1 Point for this trio who had accurately guised themselves as the Misfits from Jem and the Holograms. -1 Point for myself for recognizing the costumes. Additionally, I would like to add that in no way did I watch Jem and the Holograms when I was a kid. It was my cousin who watched it and I just saw it when I was at her house. Honest. I swear!



Unfortunately Accurate Wolverine

+1 Point for your pretty dead on full body Wolverine costume. -1 Point for the fact a dead on full body Wolverine costume means you’re dressed head to toe in a skin tight yellow spandex leotard that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination.



Why Do You Do This?

Dude, I sincerely hope you’re just really enthusiastic about supporting breast cancer. At least that’s what I’m going to tell myself about why you’re wearing neon hot pink spandex tights and nothing else.



Elvis

The King is seemingly alive and well. He’s actually down on Granville putting on a performance. Guitar and all. He seems a bit down on his luck though, as he’s playing for spare change. You’d think he’d be rolling in royalties.




Arachnophobia

I will give you props for have a rather elaborate and impressive spider lady costume. However, the legs stick out almost 3 feet on either side and I almost lost an eye to one when I came around the corner. But aside from the fact you’re sweeping down the street without paying any attention and threatening to blind people left and right, it is a pretty cool costume. So I’ll give you that. It may end up being the last thing several people see tonight though.




Undetermined Super Hero

Your costume is good, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t recognize who you’re trying to be. I’m not sure if you just slapped together a generic superhero costume or if you’re costume is a superhero so obscure that I don’t recognize it. You either have no geek cred whatsoever, or so much geek cred you’re putting me to shame.




Sexy Leprechaun, Sexy Jack Sparrow and Snooki

This skimpy trio boarded the train along with an eye burning cloud of perfume. Then they proceed to argue over whether Sexy Leprechaun was Sexy Leprechaun or Sexy Robin Hood. This argument was finally settled when Snooki proclaimed “Dammit, I’m Snooki and you’re a Sexy Leprechaun and that’s that!!”. ( Which honestly begged the question why you would ever dress like Snooki. ) The guy sitting in front of me then mercifully opened the window above us to vent the perfume. As we were both sitting there with our eyes tearing up trying to breath into our sleeves.

After 10 minutes or so, Snooki and Sexy Leprechaun turned on Sexy Jack Sparrow and began complaining about how they couldn’t smell anything except her perfume and how it was burning their eyes. Me and the guy in front of me shared a triumphant look of vindication.



Just A Banana

Just a Banana. Mundane, yet somehow still odd. He was also too cold so he had pulled his arms inside of the sleeves. So he was just a banana with legs. Which made it even weirder.



Olympian


“I’m an Olympic athlete!”. Noooo, you’re a guy wearing a tracksuit that thinks he’s clever.



Sexy Pikachu

That’s…..not right. How did you look at poor little Pikachu and go “You know what that needs? Fishnets.”. Also, enjoy a lovely evening full of drunken assholes making "Gotta catch em all" jokes. -.-




Street Fighter

5 Points to Gryffindor for your fantastic Chun Li costume. But -1 Point for dating a guy dressed like Goku from Dragon Ball Z. Other than that though, solid effort.



Superman!

Ah, Superman. A classic character and a classic costume. Marred somewhat by the fact that the S is being shoved to the right side by your beer belly. Also, why why why are you dancing to the Rap Group That Cannot Be Named? What is wrong with you? Aren't you listening to the lyrics?

"Hey, I like your shoes, them shoes are shiny, just like ivy"

That's not a song lyric! That's the last thing a serial killer says to you before you smell chloroform.



Sexy Sailor

No offence dude, but any costume you waxed your chest for is slightly suspect.



Bob The Builder

The inherent problem with this, and costumes like this, is that I really don’t know if you’re dressed like a construction worker, actually are a construction worker on his way home or if you’re a construction worker dressed like a construction worker and just repurposing his work clothes. That goes for Frank the Handyman with you too.



Sexy Betty & Wilma

Ok, Pikachu is one thing. But when you’re trying to sexy up a Hanna Barbara cartoon you might just be going a bit too far. I swear if I run into Sexy Scooby-Doo at any point this evening I’m disowning this city.



Sexy Sailor #2

Allow me to amend my previous rule to include short shorts. Despite the song, we do not actually like short shorts. In fact short shorts are a little bit creepy at this point and you look a little bit too happy at finally having an excuse to wear them in public without giving off a sex offender vibe.

( You're still giving off a sex offender vibe ).



Just a Hot Dog

Again, mundane, just a hot dog. Yet somehow a little bit scary. Especially with the creepy grin you’ve got going on there. I assume because you have positioned your costume in such a manner that the lower end of the hot dog curves out like the mighty wang you wish you had.



Miniature Jessica Rabbit

It took me a minute to figure this one out. Not because it’s a bad costume, it’s actually spot on. But because the wearer was 4’10 at best. So it was sort of like complimentary hotel sized Jessica Rabbit.



The Tin Man

Quick, how do you dress up like a beloved classic character for $5 or less? Easy! You get a grey funnel, stick it on top of your hand, paint your face silver and wear a grey vest. Don’t worry about the rest. The Tin Man totally wore jeans and drank Budweiser.




Bat Girl, Bat Girl and…..Bat Girl?

Well, that must have been awkward when you met up tonight.



Sexy Sailor #3

Ok seriously, that’s the third one in two blocks. Was there a sale somewhere?





annnnd rest. -.-

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Old 10-31-2011, 08:14 PM
Cymberleah Cymberleah is offline
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I want to go to whatever hotel gets me that mini Jessica Rabbit.

Immediately.

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Old 10-31-2011, 08:24 PM
Clover Clover is offline
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...I'm kind of scared now. XD

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Old 10-31-2011, 08:38 PM
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Andara Bledin Andara Bledin is offline
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Halloween Round Up 2011

It is that time once again, my pretties. Where we must delve into the spectacle that trots itself out around my office in the dead of night at this time of year.
Yay!

Since I don't go out, I have to rely on brave reporters such as yourself.

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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
Unfortunately Accurate Wolverine
Don't these people know their supposed to at least wear a cup or something under that spandex?

Also, I'm pretty sure that superheroes get a lit higher quality spandex than the rest of us. Reed makes sure of that.

Quote:
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Undetermined Super Hero
Aw, we need a description of this guy. We could play guess the hero.

Quote:
Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
Bat Girl, Bat Girl and…..Bat Girl?

Well, that must have been awkward when you met up tonight.
Not necessarily. After all, there have been three different Batgirls (technically 5, but nobody really counts 1 or 3). And a Batwoman.

^-.-^
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Old 10-31-2011, 08:44 PM
Redbeard Redbeard is offline
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Quoth Cymberleah View Post
I want to go to whatever hotel gets me that mini Jessica Rabbit.

Immediately.
Seconded! I'm sure the wife would let me keep her in a cubbard or something...

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Old 10-31-2011, 08:58 PM
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Mr Hero Mr Hero is offline
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Another Slutoween is upon us!
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Old 10-31-2011, 10:21 PM
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Sexy Pikachu

That’s…..not right. How did you look at poor little Pikachu and go “You know what that needs? Fishnets.”. Also, enjoy a lovely evening full of drunken assholes making "Gotta catch em all" jokes. -.-
I saw a "Twister" minidress costume. Yeah that's a brilliant idea. I would have to take bets on how many guys screamed "RIGHT HAND RED!" and then grabbed a boob.

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Old 10-31-2011, 11:04 PM
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I saw a "Twister" minidress costume. Yeah that's a brilliant idea.
Ah yes, as I recall from one "Oh God What" costume list on one website or another. That actually comes in children's sizes.

Thus "Right Hand Red" would have the immediate follow up "Why don't you have a seat over there."

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Old 10-31-2011, 11:37 PM
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…..Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m afraid you may not be qualified to place an order with us. Is there a parent, guardian or psychiatric professional nearby you could ask to help you?
Oh, how I would love to be able to say that at work.
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Old 11-01-2011, 12:13 AM
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I wanted to see this guy:
Quote:
The Most Unfortunate Mountie

I must say, your costume is quite impressive……..from the waist up. But I think someone has played a cruel joke on you as to the particulars of formal RCMP dress. Specifically, they do not wear spandex tights with their red coats.
Until I got to this line:
Quote:
Though that is not actually why he is unfortunate…..
I thought Snooki makes a great Halloween costume, though. Scares me, anyway.

Most elaborate thing I saw today was a guy walking down the street in full Wolfman make up...sorta had that whole Lon Chaney thing goin' on.
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