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Wherein We Provide Musical Inspiration
Oh yes.
Elegance
C: “You don’t have any left?”
Me: “No, sorry.”
C: “Well, that sucks!”
Why yes, yes it does. Elegantly put, my friend. Short, yet too the point. Simple, yet poignant. These are words of wisdom which will ring out through the ages and be passed down in myth and legend forever more.
C: “What about xxxx?”
Me: “Alright, what size would you like?”
C: “You have that?!”
Me: “Yes.”
C: “No way!”
Way, dude. Way.
Hurts My Feelings That Does
Me: “Good evening, how may I help you?”
SC: “Just….uh…no! Nothing!”
Well…..well fine then! I guess you don’t need my help! I mean, who would ever want my help, right? Sad, lonely old me up at 1am just waiting for a chance to assist someone. But I guess some people don’t actually need anyone’s help now, do they? See if I ever offer to help you ever again! Fine! Hang up! See if I care!
<sob>.
EUREKA
SC: “Yes, I called a little while ago about there being no hot water. Someone was suppose to be sent over but no one arrived.”
Me: “I’m afraid it'll take maintenance a little while to drive over there.”
SC: “Oooooooh, you mean it will take time for him to come to my place?”
Quite, yes! Congratulations on achieving a moment of profound, if rudimentary, revelation. If there are any other issues of basic common sense you’re still struggling to figure out, feel free to ask. I’m sure I can assist you in further seeing the painfully obvious.
Musical Interlude
Me: “And by credit card or COD?”
SC: “Uhh......C..OD?”
Hmm, you sound a bit unsure there. Perhaps I can be of some assistance! This, like many problems, can be solved through the power of rock.
( With Apologies To CCR )
Some folks are born lustin’ for cloths
Oh, those pants, hats and toques
And when the urge hits to get them some threads
Oooo, they lunge for that phone, ya’ll
By COD, by COD, you ain’t got no VISA, no
By COD, by COD, you ain’t got no AMEX, no
Some folks are born and make it through school
Lord, don’t they help themselves, ya’all!
But when the urge hits they go online
Lord, they don’t even need to call!
By COD, by COD, you ain’t got no VISA, no
By COD, by COD, you ain’t got no AMEX, no
Some folks inhale tons of alcohol
Ooo, they can can barely even dial, ya’ll!
And when you ask them, where do you live?
The only answer is huh, huh, huh?!
By COD, by COD, you ain’t got no VISA, no, no, no.
By COD, BY COD, you ain’t got no AMEX, no, no, no.
<cough> There. I hope that clears things up for you.
Go Ahead
SC: “So you’re on pacific time?”
Me: “Yes, it’s 4:30am at the moment, the tech will be on at 6am.”
SC: “So I have to wait 3 hours?!”
….Well, sure, I guess. If you want too. By all means. Don’t let me stop you.
Excellent
SC: “Do you have xxxx?”
Me: “Yes we do.”
SC: “Whoa.”
Me: “What size would you like?”
SC: “2XL”
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “You mean you have it?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Whoa.”
Easy there, Keanu. While I realize that this discovery is most excellent, my name is not Ted and this phone call is hardly what I would qualify as an adventure.
Seriously?
SC: “Yes, is there another discount on <insert extremely nice $400 coat>?”
You…mean the one that’s already 50% off for this weekend only? That one? Well of course! You’re right, I mean it’s already some odd $200 off. May as well go the whole 9 yards! How does $20 and a large pizza sound? I’ll just give you the warehouse address and you can have it delivered straight there. In fact, heck, you know what I bet the pizza guy’s just as easy going as we are. Let’s just ask him to deliver the robe. That way he can just pick it up at the warehouse for you! I’m sure he won’t mind driving half way across the country to drop it off for you.
Just be sure you tip him a couple of bucks. I mean, we wouldn’t want him to think you’re cheap or anything, right?
Musical Interlude II
Me: “And the area code, please?”
SC: “<postal code>”
Me: “No, the area code please.”
SC: “uuuh…..<postal code>”
Me: “That’s the postal code, I need the area code for your phone number please.”
SC: “Uhh….xxx?”
Me: “No, the three numbers before that in your phone number.”
SC: “Uhhhhhh...uh......um...…..<click>”
It appears there is another lesson that can only be taught through the glory of music. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
( With apologies to Lady Gaga )
I want your code, I want your area code.
I want it so I can send your stuff by COD.
I want your code. Code, code code, I want your code.
I don’t need your postal or the name of your town
I don’t need your box, I’ve already gotten that down
I want your code. Code, code code, I want your code.
You know I need it
And you’ve called before
Always pants, damnable pants
I want your code and not your home town
You and me could then get you some pants
I want your code and you should know this by now
You and me could then get you some pants
No, you’re not getting pants
No, you’re not getting pants
No, no, oh ho ho
Postal, Pos-tal Code
Ha-ha, no no no
Not getting any pants~
<cough> Right, where was I?
Its Too Far
Me: “Do you have your account number?”
SC: “Oh, I do, but its downstairs.”
…...And? Oddly, I do not perceive that as an insurmountable obstacle. Is there a lion pit to either side of your staircase? Did you almost lose your life once already just coming upstairs to the phone? By downstairs do you mean the first floor and you’re on the 47th? Did a man with a gun command you to go upstairs and threaten to shoot you if you tried to come back down before you did? Is your house on fire but you remembered at the last moment that you wanted to change your service plan to take advantage of our holiday savings? So you’re stuck upstairs and were about to climb out a window but then you heard the ad on the radio? Are you barricaded in your bedroom and saving $20 on your phone services is the last part of an ancient ritual to banish the ghoul wraith you accidently unleashed when you bought a strange old box at a gypsy yard sale that’s currently trying to batter its way through the door?
Really, I’ll accept any of those explanations. In fact, if it’s the wraith ghoul, please let me know as soon as possible and I’ll try to rush through this call as fast as I can. Before it can feast on your eyes or whatever it is yard sale wraith ghouls are after.
Well There's Your Problem
Me: “And your name please, ma’am?”
SC: “Linda.”
Me: “Alright, is that Linda with an I or a Y?”
SC: “I don’t know.”
It occurs to me that perhaps the issue you’re having with your computer system doesn’t actually have anything to do with the system at all.
So. Stupid. My God.
( Preface: We have a client that provides translation services at all hours. Like if you're a tourist and having a medical emergency or have a citizenship interview or a meeting or something. Just to grasp the level of stupid here, this woman is from an airline and just requested a sign language interpreter for a distressed tourist at the airport. )
Me: “Alright, and what terminal should I send the interpreter to?”
SC: “Oh, you mean they need to come down here?”
Well, I mean, that’s our regular procedure sure. But I guess if you really want you can hand the phone over to your deaf customer there and I’ll put the interpreter on and we can see if he can hear sign language over the phone. Worth a shot, right? You never know!
Maybe a Christmas miracle will occur! You goddamn idiot.
Meet Frank
The first thing I heard when the doors opened on at Broadway station this evening was “RUN HIPPIES! RUN!”. Shortly thereafter, I was introduced to Frank. A squat, portly little fellow with a blood alcohol level that had completely eradicated his ability to use his Indoor Voice™. I know Frank’s name because Frank was so wasted that walking the whole length of the Skytrain so he could personally introduce himself to every single person on the train somehow struck him as a good idea.
I quickly feigned unconciousness as the lumbering beast drew near, but I could still feel Frank unrelenting gaze rest on me momentarily. Not to mention the unspeakable smell of beer, musty leather and what I can only describe as the smell plaid emits after it dies.
Luckily, it lumbered off at the next stop to introduce itself to the rest of the city.
And You Called Why?
SC: “I just came home and the front door to the building was open.”
Me: “Alright….is it damaged in way?”
SC: “No, it was just open.”
Me: “....Did you close it?"
SC: “I closed it.”
Come now, you’re vastly underestimating your own prowess here! The door was open. You closed it. You have already overcome this near insurmountable challenge. You don’t require my help at all. You need to have more confidence in yourself! You solved this dilemma all by your lonesome. You never needed anyone at all. Be proud, young Padawan! There is nothing more I can teach you.
Musical Interlude III
You know, this call took nearly 10 minutes. The majority of which was spent with me sitting here quietly waiting for you to furiously flip through the catalog and select the one thing you wished to order. A process you frankly should have gone through before you called to begin with. Yet for some reason you, and honestly quite a few others, seem to lack any measure of foresight that would lead you to make such preparations. Regardless of how many times I attempt to direct you away from this tragic error.
I can’t help but feel that somehow, my words just aren’t getting through to you. Perhaps I need to take a different approach. An open, educational approach. A more universal approach that’s easily understood by all ages. Perhaps something timeless that’s universally loved by all. Maybe…Disney:
( With Apologies to Scar )
I never thought that this was essential,
You and your calls are my bane.
But perhaps there’s a glimmer of potential,
If I can fuse this song with your brain.
I know that your powers of retention,
Are as thick as a walrus’s backside.
But dull as you are pay attention,
For this, is a matter of pride.
It’s clear from your feeble dictation,
It’s a miracle you even managed to dial.
But we’re talking common sense and preparation,
Even you can’t lack this much wile.
So be prepared for your slack witted order!
Be prepared and know what to choose!
A competent era,
Is tiptoeing nearer.
I know it sounds galling,
With that dull wit your hauling!
But now is not the time to be scared!
Be preeepared!
Of course, quid pro quo, you’re expected.
To take on some coherency.
The future is littered with prizes,
And though I’m the main dispensary
The point I must emphasize is:
You won’t get a hat without me!
So prepare for the test of the century!
Be prepared for the hardest exam!
Meticulous planning,
Catalog scanning,
Shallow the gene pool,
A failure was your school,
Your brain is unsuited,
Defected, deluded,
For this test you’re gonna have to cram!
Yes, there’s only one thing left to be shared!
Be preeeeepaaaaaaaarrreeed!
<cough> Ok, I’m better now.
Funny You Should Say That!
SC: “You have so many jackets, I don't know which one to choose.”
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. It sounded like you said "Encore! Encore!"?
annnnd rest >.> ( Had to trim a few too many this week that were too client specific to post, qq )
Elegance
C: “You don’t have any left?”
Me: “No, sorry.”
C: “Well, that sucks!”
Why yes, yes it does. Elegantly put, my friend. Short, yet too the point. Simple, yet poignant. These are words of wisdom which will ring out through the ages and be passed down in myth and legend forever more.
C: “What about xxxx?”
Me: “Alright, what size would you like?”
C: “You have that?!”
Me: “Yes.”
C: “No way!”
Way, dude. Way.
Hurts My Feelings That Does
Me: “Good evening, how may I help you?”
SC: “Just….uh…no! Nothing!”
Well…..well fine then! I guess you don’t need my help! I mean, who would ever want my help, right? Sad, lonely old me up at 1am just waiting for a chance to assist someone. But I guess some people don’t actually need anyone’s help now, do they? See if I ever offer to help you ever again! Fine! Hang up! See if I care!
<sob>.
EUREKA
SC: “Yes, I called a little while ago about there being no hot water. Someone was suppose to be sent over but no one arrived.”
Me: “I’m afraid it'll take maintenance a little while to drive over there.”
SC: “Oooooooh, you mean it will take time for him to come to my place?”
Quite, yes! Congratulations on achieving a moment of profound, if rudimentary, revelation. If there are any other issues of basic common sense you’re still struggling to figure out, feel free to ask. I’m sure I can assist you in further seeing the painfully obvious.
Musical Interlude
Me: “And by credit card or COD?”
SC: “Uhh......C..OD?”
Hmm, you sound a bit unsure there. Perhaps I can be of some assistance! This, like many problems, can be solved through the power of rock.
( With Apologies To CCR )
Some folks are born lustin’ for cloths
Oh, those pants, hats and toques
And when the urge hits to get them some threads
Oooo, they lunge for that phone, ya’ll
By COD, by COD, you ain’t got no VISA, no
By COD, by COD, you ain’t got no AMEX, no
Some folks are born and make it through school
Lord, don’t they help themselves, ya’all!
But when the urge hits they go online
Lord, they don’t even need to call!
By COD, by COD, you ain’t got no VISA, no
By COD, by COD, you ain’t got no AMEX, no
Some folks inhale tons of alcohol
Ooo, they can can barely even dial, ya’ll!
And when you ask them, where do you live?
The only answer is huh, huh, huh?!
By COD, by COD, you ain’t got no VISA, no, no, no.
By COD, BY COD, you ain’t got no AMEX, no, no, no.
<cough> There. I hope that clears things up for you.
Go Ahead
SC: “So you’re on pacific time?”
Me: “Yes, it’s 4:30am at the moment, the tech will be on at 6am.”
SC: “So I have to wait 3 hours?!”
….Well, sure, I guess. If you want too. By all means. Don’t let me stop you.
Excellent
SC: “Do you have xxxx?”
Me: “Yes we do.”
SC: “Whoa.”
Me: “What size would you like?”
SC: “2XL”
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “You mean you have it?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Whoa.”
Easy there, Keanu. While I realize that this discovery is most excellent, my name is not Ted and this phone call is hardly what I would qualify as an adventure.
Seriously?
SC: “Yes, is there another discount on <insert extremely nice $400 coat>?”
You…mean the one that’s already 50% off for this weekend only? That one? Well of course! You’re right, I mean it’s already some odd $200 off. May as well go the whole 9 yards! How does $20 and a large pizza sound? I’ll just give you the warehouse address and you can have it delivered straight there. In fact, heck, you know what I bet the pizza guy’s just as easy going as we are. Let’s just ask him to deliver the robe. That way he can just pick it up at the warehouse for you! I’m sure he won’t mind driving half way across the country to drop it off for you.
Just be sure you tip him a couple of bucks. I mean, we wouldn’t want him to think you’re cheap or anything, right?
Musical Interlude II
Me: “And the area code, please?”
SC: “<postal code>”
Me: “No, the area code please.”
SC: “uuuh…..<postal code>”
Me: “That’s the postal code, I need the area code for your phone number please.”
SC: “Uhh….xxx?”
Me: “No, the three numbers before that in your phone number.”
SC: “Uhhhhhh...uh......um...…..<click>”
It appears there is another lesson that can only be taught through the glory of music. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
( With apologies to Lady Gaga )
I want your code, I want your area code.
I want it so I can send your stuff by COD.
I want your code. Code, code code, I want your code.
I don’t need your postal or the name of your town
I don’t need your box, I’ve already gotten that down
I want your code. Code, code code, I want your code.
You know I need it
And you’ve called before
Always pants, damnable pants
I want your code and not your home town
You and me could then get you some pants
I want your code and you should know this by now
You and me could then get you some pants
No, you’re not getting pants
No, you’re not getting pants
No, no, oh ho ho
Postal, Pos-tal Code
Ha-ha, no no no
Not getting any pants~
<cough> Right, where was I?
Its Too Far
Me: “Do you have your account number?”
SC: “Oh, I do, but its downstairs.”
…...And? Oddly, I do not perceive that as an insurmountable obstacle. Is there a lion pit to either side of your staircase? Did you almost lose your life once already just coming upstairs to the phone? By downstairs do you mean the first floor and you’re on the 47th? Did a man with a gun command you to go upstairs and threaten to shoot you if you tried to come back down before you did? Is your house on fire but you remembered at the last moment that you wanted to change your service plan to take advantage of our holiday savings? So you’re stuck upstairs and were about to climb out a window but then you heard the ad on the radio? Are you barricaded in your bedroom and saving $20 on your phone services is the last part of an ancient ritual to banish the ghoul wraith you accidently unleashed when you bought a strange old box at a gypsy yard sale that’s currently trying to batter its way through the door?
Really, I’ll accept any of those explanations. In fact, if it’s the wraith ghoul, please let me know as soon as possible and I’ll try to rush through this call as fast as I can. Before it can feast on your eyes or whatever it is yard sale wraith ghouls are after.
Well There's Your Problem
Me: “And your name please, ma’am?”
SC: “Linda.”
Me: “Alright, is that Linda with an I or a Y?”
SC: “I don’t know.”
It occurs to me that perhaps the issue you’re having with your computer system doesn’t actually have anything to do with the system at all.
So. Stupid. My God.
( Preface: We have a client that provides translation services at all hours. Like if you're a tourist and having a medical emergency or have a citizenship interview or a meeting or something. Just to grasp the level of stupid here, this woman is from an airline and just requested a sign language interpreter for a distressed tourist at the airport. )
Me: “Alright, and what terminal should I send the interpreter to?”
SC: “Oh, you mean they need to come down here?”
Well, I mean, that’s our regular procedure sure. But I guess if you really want you can hand the phone over to your deaf customer there and I’ll put the interpreter on and we can see if he can hear sign language over the phone. Worth a shot, right? You never know!
Maybe a Christmas miracle will occur! You goddamn idiot.
Meet Frank
The first thing I heard when the doors opened on at Broadway station this evening was “RUN HIPPIES! RUN!”. Shortly thereafter, I was introduced to Frank. A squat, portly little fellow with a blood alcohol level that had completely eradicated his ability to use his Indoor Voice™. I know Frank’s name because Frank was so wasted that walking the whole length of the Skytrain so he could personally introduce himself to every single person on the train somehow struck him as a good idea.
I quickly feigned unconciousness as the lumbering beast drew near, but I could still feel Frank unrelenting gaze rest on me momentarily. Not to mention the unspeakable smell of beer, musty leather and what I can only describe as the smell plaid emits after it dies.
Luckily, it lumbered off at the next stop to introduce itself to the rest of the city.
And You Called Why?
SC: “I just came home and the front door to the building was open.”
Me: “Alright….is it damaged in way?”
SC: “No, it was just open.”
Me: “....Did you close it?"
SC: “I closed it.”
Come now, you’re vastly underestimating your own prowess here! The door was open. You closed it. You have already overcome this near insurmountable challenge. You don’t require my help at all. You need to have more confidence in yourself! You solved this dilemma all by your lonesome. You never needed anyone at all. Be proud, young Padawan! There is nothing more I can teach you.
Musical Interlude III
You know, this call took nearly 10 minutes. The majority of which was spent with me sitting here quietly waiting for you to furiously flip through the catalog and select the one thing you wished to order. A process you frankly should have gone through before you called to begin with. Yet for some reason you, and honestly quite a few others, seem to lack any measure of foresight that would lead you to make such preparations. Regardless of how many times I attempt to direct you away from this tragic error.
I can’t help but feel that somehow, my words just aren’t getting through to you. Perhaps I need to take a different approach. An open, educational approach. A more universal approach that’s easily understood by all ages. Perhaps something timeless that’s universally loved by all. Maybe…Disney:
( With Apologies to Scar )
I never thought that this was essential,
You and your calls are my bane.
But perhaps there’s a glimmer of potential,
If I can fuse this song with your brain.
I know that your powers of retention,
Are as thick as a walrus’s backside.
But dull as you are pay attention,
For this, is a matter of pride.
It’s clear from your feeble dictation,
It’s a miracle you even managed to dial.
But we’re talking common sense and preparation,
Even you can’t lack this much wile.
So be prepared for your slack witted order!
Be prepared and know what to choose!
A competent era,
Is tiptoeing nearer.
I know it sounds galling,
With that dull wit your hauling!
But now is not the time to be scared!
Be preeepared!
Of course, quid pro quo, you’re expected.
To take on some coherency.
The future is littered with prizes,
And though I’m the main dispensary
The point I must emphasize is:
You won’t get a hat without me!
So prepare for the test of the century!
Be prepared for the hardest exam!
Meticulous planning,
Catalog scanning,
Shallow the gene pool,
A failure was your school,
Your brain is unsuited,
Defected, deluded,
For this test you’re gonna have to cram!
Yes, there’s only one thing left to be shared!
Be preeeeepaaaaaaaarrreeed!
<cough> Ok, I’m better now.
Funny You Should Say That!
SC: “You have so many jackets, I don't know which one to choose.”
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. It sounded like you said "Encore! Encore!"?
annnnd rest >.> ( Had to trim a few too many this week that were too client specific to post, qq )
He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.
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