Caring for elderly parents

[Draper Mel]

As I posted in another thread here my Mom fell yesterday and broke her leg. She turned 80 this year and my Dad is 88.

I discovered when I moved back last year that they are in increasing need of someone to help out around the house, etc. While it would be nice to move out and get my own apartment again, I find myself reluctant to do so. They both have various medical issues and they're just not as sharp as they once were.

I'm not even sure what I'm really asking. But I'm sure some people here have had to care for elderly parents. Any advice or thoughts you have would be helpful.

[42_42_42]

My mom has been dealing with this with my grandmother. My mom has found the organization "A Place for Mom" to be an invaluable resource. They do more than help you find nursing homes.

[MaggieTheCat]

My parents also had to deal with taking care of my grandparents for a while. Depending on their situation, health, etc. an assisted living facility may be a good route to go. They come in so many "shapes and sizes" as it were, that you can probably find one to suit their needs. The employees can offer as much or as little assistance as the residents may need...coming into their rooms once, twice, three times a day to assist with getting out of bed, taking medications, getting around the facility, etc. or only once every few days to help clean the room, etc. Plus, they will be near other people their age and almost all facilities that we've seen offer activities and such that the residents can participate in, so they don't feel isolated due to their situation.

It may be hard to convince them to go this route, if you even think it is a good idea to begin with...a lot of elderly people don't want to give up their home and admit they need daily or close to daily help. One thing you might try to start, is hiring someone to help you/them out in the home. Depending on how much you do for them already, they may not even realize how much or little they are able to do. For example, if you do all the vacuuming or clean the bathrooms, they can say, "We don't need help cleaning, the house looks fine!" and not even realize it is mostly your doing. If you stop doing those chores and hire someone else to do them, they may realize their situation a little better.

[Not Lillith]

Hi Mel, sorry if this is a bit long.

From experience I will say that taking care of elderly parents like taking care of children can be excrutiatingly difficult, but can also be one of the most rewarding things a person can do.

Here are some random thoughts that may or may not apply to your specific situation:

It can be very helpful to have someone like a nurse, professional care taker, or occupational therapist visit your home to assess your and your parents needs.

They can help you address things like

Tripping Hazards & how to rearange furniture to make living more comfortable/convenient

Where and how to obtain things like walkers, toilet risers, hospital beds etc...

What your parents are physically capable of doing and what they shouldn't be doing.

They can help educate you on living options and help to address things with your parents such as living wills, DNRs (Do Not Recesitate orders), and getting your parents affairs in order. Not to say that they don't still have many years ahead of them, but it is soooo much easier to deal with these things in advance if at all possible.

I have NO idea about your family dynamics but things can get a bit unbalanced when there are multiple children but only one or two doing the actual work. You may want to ask a professional for some help to plan a family meeting to discuss your parents care: Who makes the decisions? who will take on Power of Attorney? How do your siblings want your parents taken care of? How do you want to take care of them? What do your parents want/expect? Who will be resposible for what. Maybe you will be the primary care giver, but your siblings can plan to visit once a week, once a month, or whatever ya'll decide to help out...give you a week or weekend off...etc...

When my Husband and I were taking care of his mom we kept a daily journal of what we did and why and what medications were given and when, who visited, who called, questions or concerns we wanted to discuss with the doctor, etc

Mostly it was a great way to say, "gee Mom! look at all the things we did this week! We had three visitors, 10 phone calls, and you taught me how to make your secret meatloaf!"
It was also helpful to have the notes when we visited the doctor or the nurse came by.

Sadly, this journal turned out to be a huge asset when my sister-in-law tried to give us grief about how we were taking care of mom. (Huge Nightmare Story, blah blah blah, documentation is a good thing).

Having a support group for yourself and a safe place to vent is A++++

[Sunshine]

Is there a hospice in your town? They were a great help to my daddy when his parents needed more help...

[Seshat]

Research not just 'elderly care' but 'disability care' in your area.

Also, make certain you yourself get support. Potentially professional support - being a primary carer for a disabled person, much less two, can be hugely stressful.

Moving into an assisted living facility can be the best thing possible - or can be a kind of hell. It largely depends on the facility, but it can also depend on the temperament of the people involved.

My Nan went into a good one - and it made her last months wonderful; she found friends, they were able to help her with various disability-props, and the staff were lovely.
My neighbour was in one while her house was repaired recently and it was ... well, let's just say we've contacted the appropriate officials about it. Understaffed and a totally miserable place to be.


Other options include having helpers coming into their home; or a helper living in their home; or them living with family; or family living with them.

However, if you go the route of family caring for them, please please PLEASE be careful of carer burnout!

[Draper Mel]

Thank you everybody who's posted so far. I've posted again about what's been happening in the last few days. I think assisted living is the direction we're headed. But we still need support for my Dad while my Mom's in the hospital.

Yeah, I think counseling for me would be wise. There's a free program through the the local university, with supervised master's students. It'll be better than nothing.

[Pixilated]

*snip*

However, if you go the route of family caring for them, please please PLEASE be careful of carer burnout!

I second this.

Among the things Not Lillith mention were tripping hazards. Are there runners in your house? If so, are the ends curling up? While my mother was still at home, my sis pasted down the ends of the runners in various rooms with duct tape. Not exactly high-fashion decor but it pretty much guaranteed mom wouldn't stumble over the curled-up edges.

Another thing was mom's bed. Many years ago she had bought one of those beds with a super-thick mattress (no idea why). Mom's about 5 feet tall so even when before she became frail she needed a small booster step to get in and out of bed! So once she started deteriorating the bed was literally a menace. My brother and a neighbour took the box spring and mattress off the frame, stuck the frame in the basement, and set the box spring and mattress on the floor. That also guaranteed that if she fell out of bed, she wouldn't fall very far.

Walkers, toilet risers, bath benches, etc. are also very helpful. (If they're going to use a bath bench, you might want to look into a hand-held shower unit, if they don't already have one.)

Best wishes to all of you.

[Seshat]

Are the doors in their home wide enough for wheelchairs and walkers?
Are there tripping hazards?
Are there fire hazards or cutting hazards? (Remember, their reflexes aren't what they used to be!)
Can they open the peanut butter by themselves?
Heck, can they open the bread by themselves!
Can they tell if the milk has gone bad?
Can they get into and out of the bath safely? The shower? Can they stand or sit safely to shower?
Can they properly tend to their toilette after using the toilet? Are either of them leaking slightly, and getting 'nappy rash'?
Can they get into and out of their chairs comfortably? Their bed?

.... etc, etc, etc.