Heaping Helping of Christmas Guilt.

[Seshat]

Mum sent us a card.

In it, among other things, she says she misses talking to me and wonders if I have Skype.

I really, really, really don't want to talk to her. I always feel miserable and get depressed after talking to her, or Dad. Or my brother.

Advice?

[TheSHAD0W]

If the only reason you'd want to talk to her is to assuage this guilt... Then don't.

[Mishi]

Don't do it, it is waaay more trouble than it is worth. I recently started talking to mine again, because her parents (my grandparents) are on their way out and I thought I didn't mind playing nice to make their last couple of years happier.
Try not to feel guilty (impossible, I know) but you need to put yourself and your family first, because they deserve more of your emotional energy than she does.

[Kheldarson]

If not on Skype, why not set up a weekly/biweekly/monthly time to chat? That way, your mom gets to talk to you, you assuage the guilt, and you limit the depressed time.

I don't always feel my happiest after talking to my mom or brother either (we have our own issues, of course) but I tend to feel better overall that I'm still building a relationship with them.

YMMV of course.

[Pixilated]

If not on Skype, why not set up a weekly/biweekly/monthly time to chat? That way, your mom gets to talk to you, you assuage the guilt, and you limit the depressed time.

I don't always feel my happiest after talking to my mom or brother either (we have our own issues, of course) but I tend to feel better overall that I'm still building a relationship with them.

YMMV of course.

How bad is your relationship with your mother? Is it just glum and grey, or is it seriously toxic? If it's the former, you might want to consider this: you can dodge talking to her entirely ... but once she's gone, are you going to be eaten up with guilt and wish you had done otherwise? If you think that's a possibility, I would highly recommend Kheldarson's suggestion, for the reasons given. It leaves you with considerable control over the amount of exposure you get to your mom, but you haven't cut her off entirely.

If her topics of conversation are what leave you feeling depressed, can you tell her this, and that if she launches into them you will be cutting the conversation short?

[Gizmo]

Umm... "I'll talk when your not a raging cow..."

Sorry lets filter that, "no mother, leave me alone."

[Seshat]

I've been doing some thinking, and am grateful for all the responses - you've all given me things to think about.

Especially 'will I regret not having talked to them, when they're gone and it's no longer possible'.

I think there are two core problems.

First - I don't think they respect me. As in, I don't think they understand that I'm adult, that the decisions I make are adult decisions, thought through.
They seem to think that my illness/disability is not as bad as it is, and I'm just 'bunging it on' for some reason; or failing to properly try to treat it, failing to listen to my doctors ... I don't know. I really don't.
They don't respect my religious choices. They don't respect my lifestyle choices. They don't respect my financial choices. And so on, and so forth.

Second - I don't love them. I want to love them, I really do. But they've done so many thoughtless, careless, cruel, and biased things that they wore 'like' out a long time ago, and seem to have worn 'love' out as well.

Oh, I *respect* them. As random strangers, they have some very admirable qualities.
But how they treat their daughter/sister isn't among those admirable qualities.

[ArcticChicken]

I think you still care for them in some manner, else why the guilt? If its a societal pressure kind of guilt, I say don't talk to them. You don't need that in your life.

If the guilt is because you care about them, whatever form that caring takes, then you should probably do something about it. IF what you decide to do is to maintain some form of contact, I can think of a couple options.

1) Talk to her/them by skype or phone, tell them the problems you have, and if they treat you that way you are going to hang up. Whether you avoid the topics entirely, or insist that if the broach them they treat you with respect is up to you.

2) Write to them only. Whether by email or snail mail, make your only form of communication something you can ignore until you feel up to interacting with it.

[Pixilated]

I think you still care for them in some manner, else why the guilt? If its a societal pressure kind of guilt, I say don't talk to them. You don't need that in your life.

If the guilt is because you care about them, whatever form that caring takes, then you should probably do something about it. IF what you decide to do is to maintain some form of contact, I can think of a couple options.

1) Talk to her/them by skype or phone, tell them the problems you have, and if they treat you that way you are going to hang up. Whether you avoid the topics entirely, or insist that if the broach them they treat you with respect is up to you.

2) Write to them only. Whether by email or snail mail, make your only form of communication something you can ignore until you feel up to interacting with it.

Excellent points here ... and definitely consider #2, although I have other reasons for suggesting it: A friend had a sibling who felt that friend's depression was just ... I dunno, a phase? A lengthy sulk? An act? Any or all of those? Friend and sibling had had a long and dysfunctional relationship. Friend wrote a long, detailed and reasonably calm email to sibling explaining what depression is, that she was NOT faking it and she'd appreciate it if sibling would consider that before casting any more aspersions.

I figured it was a waste of energy but hey, nothing ventured, right?

Her sibling APOLOGIZED.

I think sometimes a carefully written explanation can help more than a discussion because emotions don't rebound off each other and escalate. Just a thought.

[Seshat]

That's what I'm doing at the moment. Written communication only, save that I give them phone calls on significant days for them; or very occasionally when I am feeling up to it.

We sent them a letter once trying to explain; I wrote one in an angry, needing-to-explain fit; then handed it to A and D asking them to make it a calmer, saner-sounding version. They changed very few words: apparently even my angry letter came across sounding professional!

Nothing came of it. I don't recall them even responding.

I think I'll ignore the part of their communication that asks for more voice-comms/Skype/etc. Distant family members have been communicating quite well enough by mail for centuries.



And THANK YOU, all of you, for your responses. You've helped me think it through, and come up with a conclusion that leaves me feeling 'right'.
(And yes, I do still care about them. Maybe there's some back-of-the-mind love or something. I don't know what it is. But there's a lot of hurt tangled in with it.)