While I was posting on another thread,
I was reminded of THE SAGA OF MISS MARCIE, from my days managing Loser Liquors. It's been bothering me now that I remembered, so I have to purge:
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Bossman -- the owner of Loser Liquors, Inc.
Big Gay Tony -- one of my erstwhile and fun-loving crew
ME -- the faaabulous Bonnie Bitch
and of course --
When we last left off in the other thread, I had gotten the job as manager of Loser Liquors, store #5, due to an unfortunate vomiting incident involving the previous manager and a buffet table.
Bossman hires me to replace Sir Chunks-a-Lot (the former manager who barfed on a buffet table at a Loser Liquors wine tasting party), and we're doing performance reviews before I even officially start. Bossman says he wants to "shake things up a bit," because Sir Chunks-a-Lot was lax about enforcing store policies, such as showing up, showing up sober, showing up in a state of proper hygiene, showing up on time, etc.
I'm thinkin' that's not a problem, because the crew was reliable... then I remembered --- Miss Marcie worked there too.
Miss Marcie was chronically late (up to three hours) and usually smelled..... well, there's no delicate way to put this... she always smelled like she'd just had sex and hadn't showered. But her hair was always perfect.
No matter how late she showed up, Miss Marcie always demanded her lunch break on time, not so much as ten seconds late. And she wouldn't just bitch about it. She would throw a tantrum of which any three-year-old would be proud. In front of customers, too.
On her lunch breaks, Miss Marcie liked to frequent Taco Bell. Of course, she'd return from lunch (never sooner than 20 minutes late), and she'd head for the bathroom. And stay there for at least an hour.
I put up with it when I was a mere clerk, but with my promotion to manager came the realization that I could do something about it, especially since she was making everyone's lives at work miserable.
So, after a week of documenting Miss Marcie's work ethic, I followed her to the bathroom one day after she was an hour late getting back, raced to the door to the bathroom, and slammed it shut, while I blocked her path.
ME: Hi, Marcie.
MM: Outta my way.
ME: Marcie, we need to have a chat about....
MM: No, you don't understand. I just ahd Taco Bell, and it always makes me sick.
Being the old softie that I am, I opened the door for her. She returned to the registers about an hour later, quelle surprise.
Next day, she's only an hour late for her shift.
ME: Marcie, you're late.
MM: I had things to do.
Big Gay Tony: Was it Alfredo or The Cop? We want details, girl!
MM: Oh, Tony... you're such a riot!
And then she proceeds to regale us all with the details of that morning's sexcapades, involving Alfredo **AND** The Cop at the same time.
But it's ok, because Miss Marcie was only doing The Cop so he'd pay her electric bill.
So, we go through the same "schedule" that day for Miss Marcie's lunch, but that day, after lunch, a very nice-looking Latino man (VN-LLM) walks into the store. Tony tries to race me up to the counter to wait on him. I won.
ME: May I help you, sir?
VN-LLM: Yeah, is Marcie around?
I go to the can and shout through the door, "Marcie, Alfredo's here to see you."
She races out of the can, grabs him by the arm, and drags him out the door. She comes bacxk in about ten minutes later and announces, "I have to go."
And like a schmuck, I go up to her and say, "Marcie, what can possibly be so important?"
MM: Alfredo has the clap, so I have to go to the free clinic and get checked out. Hey, if you see The Cop, could you let him know?"
She runs off before I have a chance to hurl. Of course, I tell Big Gay Tony (who was my favorite employee) why she left.
BGT: OOOhhh, girl, let me be the one to tell The Cop, 'cause you're the one gonna be holdin' the cam corder.
Now, at this point, one may be wondering, "Why didn't you fire her 'ho ass sooner?"
Thank you for asking.
Sir Chunks-a-Lot (the former manager) never said a word to Miss Marcie about her work ethic. And when we complained about her, Sir Chunks-a-Lot would ignore us and tell us to MYOB.
Plus, as I found out later from Bossman, they (Bossman and Sir Chunks-a-Lot) had tried to fire Miss Marcie previously. Miss Marcie played the race card, claiming, "You just wanna fire me because I'm black."
Of course, if they had bothered to look at her, they would have seen a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, pasty-pale white chick who liked to cram her size 12 ass into size 7 pants. But, better safe than sorry on that front.
And Sir Chunks-a-Lot had never documented Miss Marcie's work habits, so he had no record to go from.
There was, of course, another reason, but we'll get to that later.
So -- Marcie returns the next day, and she can tell that I'm very unhappy with her. And Miss Marcie, surprisingly, is all sweetness and light that day. She stays in and skips lunch, sweeps out the back room, and doesn't try to hit on any customers. I wasn't impressed. I knew she was either up to something or wanted a favor from me.
And about an hour later, Marcie, Big Gay Tony, and I are all behind the counter, doing our jobs, when ....
MM: So, Bonnie, what do you do for a booty call?
<Big Gay Tony turns around and is stifling laughter>
MM: What do you do for a booty call?
ME: None of your business.
MM: No, seriously, what do you do for a booty call?
ME <getting nervous, 'cause I'm thinkin' Miss Marcie wants to explore new territory on the continuum of sexuality> Marcie, that sort of talk is inappropriate for the work place. I'm asking you nicely to refrain from...
MM: Well, I've got this friend... I think you met him... Alfredo? He was in here that one time. He works at Taco Bell....
<DINGDINGDING!!!!!!!!!!! That's why she goes to Taco Bell every day and is late getting back from lunch!!!!!
MM: ... and he thought you were cute. I was wondering if the three of us could ... you know... maybe go for drinks this weekend....
MM: But Bonnie... he pays my rent, and he said he'd only pay half this month unless the three of us....
MM: Oh, I get it. I'll call him and tell him it's extra, 'cause you're classy. That's what he said about you, and I wouldn't mind....
MM: Well, I'll go call him right now....
And she scampers off to use the phone in the backroom, while Big Gay Tony finally explodes in laughter.
BGT: Girrrrrrl, I don't want video of that.
ME: Thanks for not saving me back there. I hope you get mobbed by a gaggle of horny chicken-hawks this weekend....... hey,w ait -- did you hear everything she said?
BGT: Oh, yeah! Loved the part where she said you were classy.
ME <giving BGT a huge kiss on the cheek> You are my new best friend, Tony. Can you handle the register? I'll be in my office.
I went to my office, breezing past Miss Marcie, who was still <coughcough> negotiating <coughcough> with Alfredo.
I picked up my phone and called the Bossman.
ME: Bossman, it's Bonnie. I need you here at 11 AM tomorrow because.....
Next day. Miss Marcie shows up at 10:45, which was typical for her 9:30 starting time. Bossman shows up at 11 AM sharp.
Bossman, Miss Marcie, and I go to my office. We sit, and I start the conversation:
ME: Marcie, your work habits are atrocious. You show up late, usually by an hour, most times more. You routinely take 90 minutes for a 30 minute lunch break. Then you spend an additional hour in the restroom after lunch. These are not isolated occurrences. It happens every day.
MM: Well, Chunkie (her nickname for the former manager, Sir Chunks-a-Lot) never thought it was a problem......
ME: I've been telling you every day for the last week that it was a problem. Then there's also the issue of your inappropriate conversation.....
MM: Oh, and Alfredo says Saturday's good for him. How about 7?
ME: Marcie, you're fired.
MM: You can't fire me. You're only trying to get rid of me because I'm black.
ME: No, Marcie, you're being fired because you're lazy, incompetent, and excessively tardy. You don't do your job even when you are here. Oh, and if you continue to make a stink about the race issue, I will press charges against you for sexual harassment and pandering.
MM: What's pandering?
ME: Ask your lawyer. Bossman, do you have anything else to add?
ME: Then I think we're done here. Best of luck, Marcie.
MM: <standing up in a huff> <obscenities deleted> What the <censored> did I blow him for?
ME: Excuse me?
MM: Well, I feel stupid, because I had to blow Chunkie to get this job. He told me they couldn't fire me. Now I'm fired. And he had a tiny <censored>, too. I'm used to....
ME: GET OUT!! YOU'RE FIRED!!
And she tucked tail and left the store.
Of course, she didn't actually leave the property. She sat in the parking lot in front of her car and cried. I almost felt sorry for her, until a police car pulled up and she saw who it was and got into the car.......
So, yeah ... that's the Saga of Miss Marcie.
And that's why I had to purge that after being reminded earlier today.