Bit of a personal/family dilemma...thoughts?

[mjr]

Ok, background:

My wife's family and my family generally don't get along. We don't put them together if we can avoid it. Both sides have trouble editing themselves, and within my family, there are members who actually have trouble behaving themselves (even as middle-aged adults) sometimes.

My mother and father do not like each other, and have been divorced for close to 20 years.

So every year, for the past 6 years, we plan what my wife refers to as "carnival". We intentionally plan multiple birthday "parties" for our son.

Well, usually these parties are very, very small. We usually have three or four, and here's how the invitees look:

1. My wife's mother, brother, and sister-in-law, with their two kids. We usually have this "party" at my mother-in-law's condo.

2. My mother, my sister, sister's husband, and my sister's daughter. This is usually held at a nearby park where we live. Usually, my mother comes to this one if she doesn't have to work, but my sister generally doesn't, because she lives 2.5 hours away.

3. My dad and my cousin. This is usually held at the same park as #2, except later in the day. We invite my cousin to this party so that my dad isn't the sole invitee, and so that we can keep my cousin away from my mother (long story, but it involves money).

Then, we generally have "private" party that is just me, my wife, and our son. We have that one at our house.

Unfortunately, my dad has essentially said to my wife he hates the party format, and he wonders why we don't do just one big party.

We get the impression that my mother doesn't really care for the format, either, but she's a bit more polite about it than my dad.

Ok, enough background. On to this year.

We've started discussing options for this year.

We are unsure of what to do. My wife still wants to have the party (see #1) at her mom's condo (because we believe her mother's mental faculties are leaving her, we think it's some form of dementia). She doesn't know what to do about the others. We feel like we're in a no-win, regardless of what we do.

She wants to be fair about the whole thing (since she's having party #1), but we've considered scrapping the others and just dealing with any negative repercussions that come our (i.e. my) way.

A large party, or a party where people have to pay for things, would be a disaster. We tried it for our son's 1st birthday, and it didn't go well.

We have also discussed various permutations of leaving out X or Y person, but we know that would have negative repercussions as well.

So does anyone have any thoughts on this?

[sms001]

Seems like the only fly in the ointment with the current setup is your dad? If that is so, I'd prolly ditch party number three and tell him that he could drop by the house for number four. If he reiterates his point about 'one big party' you just have to lay it on the line - there's too much immature behavior, and you won't ruin a party for that. There's going to be plenty of occasion through the years where you WILL have to be together, no sense adding to the list.

[Gizmo]

How about taking the son to *see* the father rather than terming it as a party? Or allow father to take the kid out for a day around that time?

(This might be what you already do - I can't tell from the detail above as to how "party" the parties are).

[mjr]

If that is so, I'd prolly ditch party number three and tell him that he could drop by the house for number four.

This is basically what happens with party #3 anyway. Except that we don't have it at our house.

[mjr]

How about taking the son to *see* the father rather than terming it as a party? Or allow father to take the kid out for a day around that time?

(This might be what you already do - I can't tell from the detail above as to how "party" the parties are).

Well, I don't think we'd let him take my son out for a day. My dad is a bit of a loose cannon, and sometimes we don't think he necessarily makes sound decisions.

The "party" as it were, is basically a "get together" with something to drink (water, juice, something like that) pizza, and a cake/cupcakes.

[mjr]

I think the Mrs. and I figured this out...

What we're going to do is this:

We're going to have two parties (not counting the private one at home).

We're going to have a party for her family, and a party for my family. But what we're going to do is write a list of "possible attendees" on the invitations (or include a card or something) in the invitations to my family's party. This way, my dad and my mother will know that each other has been invited, and they can decide to come or not, no skin off our backs. I'm also going to include this in my sister's invitation.

If they start misbehaving, my wife has already said she'll just remove herself and my son from the situation. And if we have to, we will end the party early, no questions asked.

[Pixilated]

I think you've made a sound decision. From your description, you could both work yourselves into a fine frazzle trying to set up something that would please everybody ... and still not manage to do it. Sorry for what your dad wants but under the circumstances it just doesn't sound feasible, so ... you say, look, folks, here's the option(s). If somebody says, "Well, I'm not coming if ...." you say in polite unision, "We'll be sorry to miss you," smile, and go on with your plans.

[csquared]

It may be too late to throw in my $.02, but... Do you have the balls to stand up to your father? He is the one who asked. In response to his suggestions, I would say "If we threw one party, would you behave yourself. Because if you don't, you won't get invited back next year." Something I would hate to do in the long run as it punishes your son as much as your Dad.

I can see his point though. He seems to be getting left out with such a "small" party. To me, part of the party is the energy that a larger group seems to have. The excitement of watching your son unwrap each of the gifts and not just your Dad's.

Unfortunately, I have no suggestions on how to make each party a little bigger, keep the relative separated and not blow the budget.

What ever you choose, good luck.

PS. This reminds me of the movie about the couple where both sets of parents are divorced and remarried. They have to juggle four Christmases. Think you could make a movie out of your situation? That sounds like too much drama, so I hope not.

[mjr]

I can see his point though. He seems to be getting left out with such a "small" party. To me, part of the party is the energy that a larger group seems to have. The excitement of watching your son unwrap each of the gifts and not just your Dad's.

I understand this line of thinking, but essentially every party for "my" side of the family is small. Last year, when I invited my mother and sister, my mother is the only one who showed up. So it was basically my son, me, my wife, and my mother at that party.

My cousin, when he doesn't have to work, shows up at the party that my dad is invited to.

So with our new solution, we'll either make everybody happy, or nobody happy. If everyone hates it, we just won't do "carnival" next year.

[Peppergirl]

I am sad for you. I think it's a damned shame that people who divorced 20 years ago cannot even tolerate each other in a civil fashion, even for a grandchild.

I mean, shit, I don't like my ex husband all that much but we can tolerate each other, and will even more so when we have grand kids.

Very, very sad. I hope you work it out peacefully.

[mjr]

I am sad for you. I think it's a damned shame that people who divorced 20 years ago cannot even tolerate each other in a civil fashion, even for a grandchild.

I mean, shit, I don't like my ex husband all that much but we can tolerate each other, and will even more so when we have grand kids.

Very, very sad. I hope you work it out peacefully.

We actually had to make a change of plans.

My mother does "in home" healthcare on weekends, and this past weekend was her weekend off. So we had to hastily make plans with her (apologetically, as we don't like giving such short notice).

Everything went fine, there.

Also, WRT my dad, I also found out a woman swindled him out of a BUNCH of money. He got a bunch of money through the Veteran's Administration, and had spent quite a bit of it. Then, he put it into a joint account with him and my sister on the account. He told me that it was because I make more than my sister, and that she could dole it out once he's gone (he's in his early 60's, and his health is starting to go, I think). My sister told me a completely different story. My sister told me that he put the money into a joint account with her because I (essentially "my family" -- me, wife, and son) have "cut him out of our lives". This is not true in the slightest. I am pretty busy with work, school, and family. I probably don't call as often as I should. That said, he does tend to hang around with some unscrupulous people.

Anyway, this woman got him to buy her a 2012 pickup truck (not cheap), and then give her several thousand dollars in cash. My sister says the account went down about $100,000 over the course of about one month. We believe it's due to this woman. Shortly after she got the truck and the money, she started berating my dad, and saying the he was using her (WTF, right??), and so they're apparently not talking, either.