beyond abnormal? husband behavior

[Gizmo]

sting is anywhere near in the normal spectrum for husband behavior?

Wide disappears mid week with only a scrawled note saying 'i need a few days away. Be back at the weekend'. Husband has been considering nothing is wrong and wife is the sort to set stuff up clearly weeks, or even months in advance.

Wife gets no contact from husband at all. Husband makes no move to quietly contact wife's friends/family to at least check she is safe.

When wife gets home husband has nothing to say and doesn't even turn off the tv when they start trying to have a serious talk.

Perspective anyone?

[csquared]

I am not sure why you would be concerned about the husband's behavior. The wife's is even more suspicious.

His actions say that he know what she is up to.

[Gizmo]

Because I am the wife. And quite frankly I expected *some* acknolwledgement and response. Especially due to the claim he doesn't see anything wrong at all up to this point - he says he has no idea why I left.

Yes, it was a flat note to leave. But not 'meh, nothing to say flat'

[Gizmo]

And the reason I left is because I feel invisible. So the lack of response doesn't convince me otherwise.

[csquared]

I have been reading Dear Abby for years. When I read a lot of those letters, I end up asking myself "What is not being said." In this case, there appears to be a lot. I was guessing that you are the wife.

It is pretty clear that your marriage has problems. If you want to save your marriage, you need professional counseling, not a forum.

I don't know you. I don't know your husband. I don't know the entire story. I am not going to take sides.

Good luck. I truly hope that this turns out for the best, what ever that may be.

[Gizmo]

I'm not asking for sides, i'm asking for general perspective. Counselling is being discussed however i'm not sure there is anything bar routines and convienience of doing nothing new to be saved.

Thank you for the input. Believe me, this isn't going to be used as the whole picture - just trying to get a so called 'normal' or 'general' perspective without all the baggage and excuses that I know I need to wade through.

[Pixilated]

Disclaimer: I am NOT a professional counsellor and I am basing my response only on the information given in the OP -- I don't know the husband or wife nor what else may be going on in the background or what other stressors are involved.

Having said all that, IMO intensive counselling is the only thing that has any chance of saving the marriage at this point, and even that is only if both of you feel the marriage is worth saving. What I saw in that incident was a fair amount of passive-aggressive game-playing on both sides and that is never a good sign in a relationship.

[sms001]

Just the fact that you bring it up probably tells you that something odd is going on. I totally get why you did what you did; sometimes wanting to be acknowledged is pretty overriding. But the flip side to that is that perhaps hubby knows most of this too - and has a reason for not doing what he (or other spouses) would "normally" do. To flat out answer your question, no, that's not normal. If my wife did it for ONE night, I'd be all over finding out why. But she wouldn't, because we would have hashed things out before they got to that point. Best of luck to both of you Gizmo.

[Bardmaiden]

I know that if I disappeared for a while without telling Finace where I was going for a night he would call my sister, my mother, my best friend and if they didn't know where I was and I wasn't answering my mobile or called him back he would call the hospitals and the police. (Also I have depression so disappearing with telling anyone would probably be A Bad Thing.)

I usually tell him what I'm doing and arrange to call him at some point if I'm going away for a weekend or something. We have a very close relationship and tend to communicate a lot.

That's my relationship though, I know other peoples vary a lot.

[Seshat]

Deep down inside, you know what you want and what you feel.

It's time for you to sit down with YOURSELF, and figure yourself out. Rigorous self-honesty is called for. Painful self-honesty, if need be.

The points in my .sig are one place to start; or you can just start journalling or something, or - ideally - talk to a trained counsellor.

Once you have worked on you - and only then - it's time to start working on y'all. On the pair of you.

Frankly, you seem to be expecting telepathy from your husband. (Based solely on what you've told us.) Sorry, but telepathy doesn't get handed out with marriage vows.

My guess - and it's only a guess - is that communication between the two of you is breaking down or has broken down for some reason. You're 'talking' in patterns, habits, and not actually managing to get across what each of you needs. Your telepathy-wish and/or your vanishing for half a week is probably an act of desperation: and he's not perceiving it as that.

Quite possibly, for all he knows, everything's hunky-dory.

Anyway: best bet: professional help.
Next best bet: rigorous self-honesty, and re-learning how to communicate with each other.

[csquared]

Personally, I think your test is flawed. You asked for something, you got what you asked for, and you are unhappy with it.

If The Wife said she was taking off for a few days, I'd let her. When she wants to talk, she know how to find me. If she doesn't contact me, I would assume that it is because she doesn't want to talk to me just yet. Then again, that is me & The Wife. It is not you and your husband, or anyone else here for that matter. It is also something that I trust will never happen.

The fact that you would conduct the test says more about your current situation.

Get to a counselor. Even if your husband won't go. If they are any good, you are going to learn a lot about yourself and your marriage. Then you can make an informed decision.

PS. My comment on taking sides was more a disclaimer. I hope I did not sound like I was defending or accusing anyone. Just pointing out possibilities to consider.

[Kheldarson]

I think Dear Abby and the rest would say you're being passive-aggressive and he's not playing and/or being inattentive.

You guys need a talk. ASAP.

If he turns on the TV, turn it off. Stand in front of it. Make your declaration and get him to respond.

Or get into counseling, by yourself or with him.

Either way, the game's not going to stop if you don't talk.

[Gizmo]

All points noted. And I have been trying to talk seriously with him before and after this. Serious work is on the cards believe me - including lots of professional help on all sides.

It wasn't done as a test - I did reach a cracking point, a bad one, and left urgently because of it. The consequences of having done so are that inadvertently this test happened, as flawed as it undoubtedly is. Knowing what was in my head and heart that day I needed to leave when I did.

Thank you all.