Is this something I could be concerned about?

[fireheart]

This doesn't relate to me specifically, it relates to my boyfriend.

Due to his schedule (he works full-time), I'm up at his house Friday night-Monday morning. Every month his workplace provides him with a "Happy Hour" for a while and that usually continues at a nearby hotel.

He has recently discovered that the hotel he goes for drinks at has an app where if he checks in (via Facebook?), he picks up free points. Those points can later be redeemed for free drinks. The points DO NOT EXPIRE (I had to follow up on this). He's been able to manipulate the system a little bit so he can get those points while not being near the hotel.

He has also recently started studying via distance education. He originally planned his schedule out so that he'd be studying at least 3 nights per week plus attending tutorials on Sunday online. This left Wednesday nights free (his medieval fighting and work-related function) as well as Fridays free (typically the time when him, one of his mates, sometimes one of my girlfriends and I would all meet up and muck around, sometimes with alcohol and sometimes without) and Saturdays.

Lately though, he's been using up those points I mentioned earlier to go out for drinks EVERY. FRIDAY. NIGHT. Now I wouldn't mind so much if he was sensible about it, but he'll end up coming in very late and fairly drunk. He does this every Friday night, without any of us involved. For two of the group, they work the following day and tend to use the Friday night at his house to get together without clubbing or drinking. I tend to use it as extra time I spend with him and his family.

I have tried to approach him on the issue. His responses have generally been along these lines:

-He needs to use the points otherwise they'll go to waste. (I suggested that he bank the points and stop checking in for a while so that whenever we DO go out as a group, he can actually use them then since they don't expire.)

-He doesn't get THAT drunk.

-He planned his studies for this. ("this" he originally meant hanging around with us, not getting shitfaced)

-(upon the suggestion that "when we all go out we can use them") When's the last time you went out to a pub? You always get tired or similar...(sidenote: alcohol makes me a tad sleepy if I've had a long day. If I am drinking, aside from doing it slowly, I tend to focus on drinking soft drink so I CAN stay awake)

I should point out that the last statement was said sober. With my girl friend in the room.

Now I am getting really concerned for him. He doesn't drink that much during the week, but it's more like he's ditching us for his workmates EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT. I wouldn't have minded so much if he wasn't studying, but it just hurts when he says that he's not going to study Friday nights to be with us, then turning around and going out drinking with his workmates. I didn't mind the once-a-month shebangs with his coworkers either, since he'd usually return home having had a couple of drinks, but not to the point of yelling, hurling SOME abuse at us (mostly when one of us points out some aspect ie time, long day, how much he's had to drink etc.) and basically not spending time with his friends.

Of course it doesn't help when said girl friend offers to go along with him...of course she'd have no problem with it, she's skinny, beautiful and can hold her drink better than most.

What the hell should I do?!

[Kheldarson]

It sounds like he might have an alcohol problem. (I'd say alcoholic, but I'm not fully aware of what defines it so I'll leave it at problem).

You may want to sit down with him at some point when he's sober and not stressed and tell him why you're worried. That's about all I got.

Well, besides a sorry that you have to deal with this

[Pixilated]

Kheldarson's suggestion is a good one. That's what it sounds like to me as well: if he doesn't already have an alcohol problem, he may be developing one ... do you know if alcoholism is present in his family?

And I too am sorry you're dealing with this.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

He may not have a problem right now, but he's well on his way to having one.

Just because you're offered points that can exchanged for drinks doesn't mean you need to take or use them.

I agree with the suggestion to talk to him about this when he's sober.

[fireheart]

Thanks guys.

Alcoholism doesn't run in his family (his mother can't drink due to the medications she's on)

I've suggested that he cuts it down (both the frequency that he goes and the amount he drinks). He said that he will cut it down to fortnightly rather than weekly (which basically means he'd do the work drinks plus one other Friday), although he won't be going this week (or the next I hope!) because he has work due for uni.

As for the points, I'm not going to remind him about checking in (he does it on the weekends too with a little trick) but I'm stopping short of taking the app off his phone.

I think this might need to be talked about over the phone and possibly with his mum too. I have a feeling that I may have had a hand in this, albeit an unintentional one. He has out up with so much of my crap over the last four years and I am constantly worrying about his own mental state as a result.

[MoonCat]

Fireheart, please don't blame yourself for his drinking. You are not responsible for it. He is responsible for his own choices and his own actions.

Take it from someone who grew up with an alcoholic father: Yes, he is developing a problem. Doing it every week like clockwork, for hours, and by himself a good deal of the time--that's one sign. Getting defensive or angry about it--that's another. A person doesn't need to drink every day to become an alcoholic, nor does it matter what form of alcohol they consume.

If there is a branch of Alcoholics Anonymous around, or a similar group, you may want to check out what they have to say. Doesn't sound like he's hardcore, but groups like this can help. He needs another, harmless way to work off stress and have a good time.

[42_42_42]

Drinking enough to become intoxicated on a regular basis is really not good for his body. Bad for the liver, the kidneys, the brain....

[Seshat]

If you use the same doctor, and you know the doctor can handle things discreetly, talk to the doctor about it.

Then ask him to see the doctor. If you can ask him to see her about his drinking, that's ideal - otherwise, just grab any health-care or checkup opportunity you can.

If he's religious, you can also turn to his minister/pastor/imam/rabbi/whatever.

Alcoholics Anonymous has a subsection that's for the family of alcoholics: go. Talk to them, discuss the situation with them, get advice and help from people who've been there or are there now.

What won't work is asking him to change for you.

What can work is stating the effect his actions are having on you, and allowing him to make his own decision.


Example - me to Mr Seshat:
Love, I just wanted you to know; I hate the smell of the cigarettes, I worry about your lung and cardiac health, and sometimes I just lie awake worrying. Could you be more careful to smoke outside and maybe clean your teeth afterwards - and would you be willing to get checked by Dr Ganga?
You know what I really would want is for you to stop, but I also know it has to be your decision. But if you could alleviate my worries - and make life a bit more comfortable for me - that'd help. Lots.


.... of course, Mr S. and I have that sort of relationship. I wouldn't recommend that exact phrasing for a couple who are just starting to use the 'this is how your actions affect me' method of resolving conflicting decisions and conflicting life choices.
But I can't remember a good phrasing for starting out, anymore.

[fireheart]

So I talked to him tonight....and it got a bit too Spanish Inquisition.

Pretty much what came out of it was:

-He agreed to do the work drinks, along with ONE other Friday night. If his workplace does any event that's not work drink related, that counts (with one other exception: every month or 2, his work does an event for his team only. Because he has to drive to a number of those, he tends to drink more sensibly)

-I found out how many points came from the app he mentioned: 1 check in=5 points. 1 free drink=10 points. So him checking in during the week results in about 3 1/2 drinks if he checks in every day. I've made the suggestion that he only check in during the week and give it a rest on the weekends. I've yet to see if it occurs. (at the moment he only has enough for 3 drinks)

His reason for the last few weeks? He wanted to see how far the points go.

He did apologise for the snarky comments and we are going to try an idea of a proper "date" night.

[PepperElf]

I just realized something too.

Every month his workplace provides him with a "Happy Hour" for a while and that usually continues at a nearby hotel.

He has recently discovered that the hotel he goes for drinks at has an app where if he checks in (via Facebook?), he picks up free points. Those points can later be redeemed for free drinks. The points DO NOT EXPIRE (I had to follow up on this). He's been able to manipulate the system a little bit so he can get those points while not being near the hotel.

Is the boss on his FB? Or is it public? Remember he has check in to get the points.

So the boss or coworker might see how much he's checking in. Plus... if he's checking in when he's not really there, is there a chance he could run into any issues where he might get called out for being at the bar when he was suppose to be doing something else? And if he has to explain that he was lying about his whereabouts that might not really make for a good excuse.


Lastly, I just hope he's not driving.

[fireheart]

Is the boss on his FB? Or is it public? Remember he has check in to get the points.

So the boss or coworker might see how much he's checking in. Plus... if he's checking in when he's not really there, is there a chance he could run into any issues where he might get called out for being at the bar when he was suppose to be doing something else? And if he has to explain that he was lying about his whereabouts that might not really make for a good excuse.


Lastly, I just hope he's not driving.

He only checks in quickly on his breaks or when he's off the clock. He's managed to modify the checking so it doesn't show up on someone's Facebook page. There is one coworker of his who I know through his medieval group and he can't drink much or at all (he's diabetic). I'm debating about asking said coworker of his to keep an eye on him.

As far as the driving goes, he takes the bus to and from work. He only drives into work if he has to drive somewhere straight after or he can't go home first. When he Knows he has to drive, he either drinks much more sensibly or not at all (ie 2 drinks spaced).

I actually thought of that last night and suggested the idea that he could pretend that he has to drive home from the bar so he can monitor his drinks better.

[Jester]

I want you to know that you have a Professional Drunk (me) thinking about this. I want to weigh in on this, and have some thoughts about it, but can't really organize them right now. Not because I'm drinking, mind you...but bemuse I'm drinking at a very loud bar after a long shift at work. But I will try to check in tomorrow and give you my take on this. (And it won't be as his defense lawyer, I assure you.)

[fireheart]

Well, I have yet another concern to add to the list.

Boyfriend is not exactly a member of the EFA, but reads their articles semi-frequently. The latest one involves the NSA (a US agency) and their ability to watch over non-US computers (or something along those lines)

Now he's acting totally paranoid. He's been "unliking" himself or trying to nuke as much as possible from his Facebook page (but stopping short of actually deleting it), he's had me install a plugin just so we can have super-secret conversations without any government entity watching us, although has stopped short of locking down everything else tighter than Fort Knox. Ironically he has no problem with the AUSTRALIAN government having his details or the ability to watch him on the Internet (if they actually do).

And yes, I read the article. No idea how on EARTH it affects him....

Methinks someone's getting a wee bit paranoid...