Mega family drama with my parents (long)

[JustaCashier]

It's understandable that your parents have had a tough time letting go, but it also sounds like Mom has some control, and guilt-tripping issues. I was going to ask if both her and Dad inherently had those issues, but from subsequent comments, it sounds as if he just follows in lock-step with Mom.

I really don't have a solution, but would like to offer up on working on not letting either one of them, or anyone for that matter, guilt-trip you in any manner.


I have about 25 years or so on you, and have spent a great deal of that time feeling guilty about shit I did, shit I didn't do, and shit that I have perceived that other people have thought I did. It's only in very recent years that I've made some decent strides in getting over that, although not completely.

So, I'll step away now, and then go feel guilty that I've offended you with my advice, and/or that others CS'ers will think my advice was stupid.

I hope the surgery goes/went well, and that you have a Happy Birthday!

Mike

[protege]

It sounds like your father does what my father-in-law does, and that's take her mother's side in disputes instead of hearing both sides. Last time she tried to appeal to him for help when her mother was laying into her, he simply said "I don't think there's anything I can do to help you, talk to you later." and hung up on her. .

It could be that the OP's father simply goes along with her...so she'll shut up. My dad does that too. He simply doesn't want to deal with my mother's bitching. He'll agree with her so she'll quit bothering him and/or so she'll quit screaming. Annoying, since then I get to hear about whatever happened later

[Miss Fatale]

I've had similar conversations with my mother. She died a few years ago, just as we were working on patching up our communication, so I can't give you any suggestions that I know will work.

However, I found it really helpful to read Deborah Tannen's book You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation . The book has some strategies you can use to help establish boundaries and gives some insight into why your parents might be acting this way.

Good luck!

[Cia]

Then they threw in that "we feel like failures of parents because you left a whole life, a job, an apartment, clothes, jewelry, family to move 1400 miles away and now we haven't seen you in 4 years, we must have been horse shit parents to drive you so far away and make you not want to even visit us."

They make it sound like you ran away in the middle of the night taking nothing except the clothes on your back which, to them, you did.

[Pixilated]

Jeez, blas, I'll be crossing my fingers that you are able to move out again soon! And to think I was worried about coping with my mother's chainsmoking ...

[blas]

Oh, mylanta, at least I'm not the only one with psycho parents. Especially my mother.

It's gotten so bad since I moved home. It's just a sin to want to hang out in my bedroom alone. Good lord, after back to back to back to back 12 hour shifts, I want to lay on my bed or take a bath or work out and GO TO BED. I don't want to chat all night. I'm taking care of the house and buying my own groceries. I didn't move back in to be your child to force to interact with the family again.

My mom is the type to text me practically all damn day bothering me as to how I'm feeling. And she's the type that thinks she knows everything....so if there's even a HINT that I'm not completely 100% happy she "What's wrong?" me over and over and over.

Oh, and ever try standing up to that woman? Or just try proving her wrong? It starts as a seed of anger and grows into the biggest tree of freak out you can imagine. She's nearly shattered windows screaming her lungs out, leaping to conclusions and making accusations and just in general running her damn mouth because someone finally had enough of her shit.

Sorry to threadjack. It's just comforting.

I have no good advice. At least you're several states away from your crazy overbearing nutparents.

[protege]

The point is it doesn't matter who is right or wrong. It matters that family cohesion is maintained. Unfortunately, most families today are dysfunctional. You basically have to make a decision on how much of that dysfunction you can take.

Unfortunately, some people are more concerned about being "right" than they are about maintaining family cohesion. My mother, for example is like this. She's been in the healthcare field for the better part of 45 years. Naturally, she knows quite a bit about healthcare-related topics. Outside of that...she doesn't know shit.

About a month ago, my parents decided to repaint their hallway, living room, and dining room. All of those rooms had last been "freshened up" about 30 years ago. Since my dad is now retired, he's been working on it. He's been doing a good job, but my mom's been giving him shit because "it's taking too long," and that he "didn't need to apply primer first." The reason it's "taking too long" is that he only works on it when she's not home. Plus, he wants it too look good--prepping battered walls and wood trim takes awhile He can't work on the rooms when she's home. If he tries, she orders him around, and simply won't leave him alone.

I moved out because of shit like that. 30 years of constant arguing, criticism, and being pushed around was enough. I work in a noisy office and get *enough* drama at work. I'll be *damned* if I'm going to deal with that shit at home. That's not to say that I avoid my parents. If the arguing starts, it's time to go home. I refuse to get sucked into their squabbles.

[BlaqueKatt]

My Mom is a professional worrier, if worrying was an Olympic sport she'd win the gold without trying. If you need something worried about just look up worrying in the dictionary and her phone number is published there. She has reasonable rates.

Sweet, can I hire her to worry about my cats and husband?

[Pixilated]

Very good advice here, so I can't add much except: it is going to be painful to draw lines and enforce them, but ATM your parents are suffering no consequences for their behaviour and so they've got no reason to stop. And their behaviour has nothing to do with love or concern or what kind of parents they are/were and everything with massive amounts of control. You will likely have to endure even more "HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO US??" and "WE MUST'VE BEEN AWFUL PARENTS FOR YOU TO TURN YOUR BACK ON US!!!" and more drama, hand-wringing and emo when you start to lay down the law, but the alternative is to do nothing and develop an ulcer from the stress.

My mother was a little similar, although not to such a degree. I learned to handle it by watching my brother, who was a past master at refusing to be manipulated. Once she threatened, "Well, I guess I won't ever come visit you again!" Brother's response? "Okay." Over time, it worked.

Good luck and hang in there.

[Tanasi]

My Mom is a professional worrier, if worrying was an Olympic sport she'd win the gold without trying. If you need something worried about just look up worrying in the dictionary and her phone number is published there. She has reasonable rates.

Experience has taught me to keep my mouth shut and try to keep the conversation focused on anything but me. Then again I rarely tell anyone anything about myself unless I have to, I just like to mind my own business. I'll sometimes talk about work but I make a point to not talk about my health, I just say I'm fine.
Also parents can be trained. My Mom used to call me several times a day until I stopped answering the phone except at the same time every day and only that time (caller ID helps.) Then I started only answering it on certain days. Now she only calls on Fridays at 7pm unless it's important. Once I got this schedule established she doesn't abuse it.

[wolfie]

Emailing them is probably what is going to happen, because I don't have time to have a 3 hour phone conversation with them (which is AT LEAST how long it would take to has out over the phone.)

From your original post, it appears you use a cellphone as your primary link. Is this the case? If not, do you have a cordless phone for your landline? If either of these is true, with a bit of preparation you can deal with your parents over the phone without having a 3 hour conversation.

First, figure out what maximum call length you'd be comfortable with. Next, make sure the phone (cell or cordless) is partially discharged, so this is the most "talk time" available on the battery. At the beginning of the call, let your parents know that your battery is running low. When it runs dry, call's over - they can't fault you for not continuing the call past what your phone is capable of doing.

[Sapphire Silk]

Then they threw in that "we feel like failures of parents because you left a whole life, a job, an apartment, clothes, jewelry, family to move 1400 miles away and now we haven't seen you in 4 years, we must have been horse shit parents to drive you so far away and make you not want to even visit us."

This statement is the core of the whole problem. You're not accessible or controllable, and their only response to this fact is to impose emotional blackmail. They haven't adjusted to the fact you are married, and that your husband is now your closest next of kin. They miss the fact they were the center of your life when things went wrong. Now he is, and they must wait to be informed on YOUR schedule, not theirs.

It's childish and unrealistic. But it's how they feel, and they are not likely to change. Getting upset with them will not make them see the light on this.

All you can do is set boundaries. But it probably won't work.

So your best plan in the future is not to inform them at all unless the illness is critical or until things are over. They won't like it, but it'll concentrate the grief rather than drag it out.

There's a saying, I think it originates from Heinlein, which goes, "if you're arguing with a loved one, and discover you're logically and absolutely correct - apologize immediately."

"I'm sorry I gave you the wrong date; I didn't realize I did, so I didn't realize you'd be worried."

"In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once!"

The point is it doesn't matter who is right or wrong. It matters that family cohesion is maintained. Unfortunately, most families today are dysfunctional. You basically have to make a decision on how much of that dysfunction you can take.

[Jarissa]

My parents were neither as "protective" (controlling!) nor as intimately involved in my life as what you're describing, Maggie. In fact I would have said that we had fairly healthy boundaries, even though my mom would ideally prefer a closer relationship than we actually had. I chatted with them at least once a month, and we tried to visit each other every year or two.

Then, in January of 2012, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Once I had enough information to speak usefully on the topic, I called and let my parents know what was going on, what would be happening to me, and what I needed from them -- which was pretty much "support in the form of not expecting much interaction from me". I've been an introvert for four decades, I anticipated the strain of chemo and so forth to drive me further into asocial tendencies, conserving my strength for what I had to do in my own household.

In the space of ten minutes, my parents turned into total strangers.

Everything about my medical situation turned into THEIR needs: need to be kept fully informed, need to share my medical information and telephone number to distant relatives, need for me to protect my younger brother's emotional state, need to be given some method of contributing to my cancer recovery effort.

A year later, I talk to my parents every few months. I still love them. I know they love me. I also know they are not emotionally capable of facing events in my life over which they have no control.

It sounds like your parents maybe are so fixated on knowing what's going on in your life because they feel like knowing every detail -- being inside of every decision point -- gives them a chance to keep you from going down an unwise path? The problem is that they are infantilizing you. They dump the burden of their well-being on you. They are not letting you live independently, as an adult does.

My questions for them would be this:
Do they love you enough to let you stop reporting your day to them like a nine-year-old child at the end of school?
Do they love you enough to treat you with the dignity they were themselves due at twenty-nine years of age?
Do they think they were good parents to you? (Yes. Then why don't they trust you to live a few days at a time without their supervision?)

[Gizmo]

I'd have no truck with this - I get this guilt trip from a certain family member and I tell her to back down, I have my own life and will live it how I wish.

For your situation but not mine : "your failing is turning into an utter shrieking cow now, give me a break and let me live MY life" about the 'we've failed as parents' thing. That may not go over very well though.

As for your husband not wanting to talk to them - well, tough. I barely speak to husband's parents because of their controlling attitude.

I agree with Mathnerd I guess - especially post #2's third paragraph.

I'd honestly say to them "Husband will call you if there is anything wrong from the medical procedures. No news is good news. I'll talk to you once I'm back home and recovered enough."

[TheSHAD0W]

There's a saying, I think it originates from Heinlein, which goes, "if you're arguing with a loved one, and discover you're logically and absolutely correct - apologize immediately."

"I'm sorry I gave you the wrong date; I didn't realize I did, so I didn't realize you'd be worried."