HELP!! Need to convince parents bf insn't a rapist...

[Jester]

I am the one who usually plays the Devil's Advocate and takes the other side, because sometimes that is the best way to get someone to see what they are facing.

Note to TowelKing: Nothing I'm about to say is meant as a personal insult or even a characterization of you. I don't know you from Adam, and I'm sure you're a hell of a guy (you have great taste in websites, obviously!), but I'm going to have to ask a lot of "what if...?" and "what about...?" questions that some people might take to mean I am ripping you. I'm not, but I have to float the possibilities.

So, Kisa, you want your parents to take you seriously about your new boyfriend that they have never met that lives a good distance (hundreds of miles? thousands of miles?) away from you. Your boyfriend that even you have not met in person yet. It is not always easy to see the issues parents may have with a situation like this when you are the child in question, so you may have to look at it from an outsider's perspective.

First of all, is there a significant age difference? This is something that will cause some eyebrows to raise. Sometimes for good reason, sometimes not. I did not see either of your ages listed, so that is something I am wondering about.

Also, as you yourself state, you have not yet meant him face to face. For all you know, their worst fears could, in fact, come to pass. After all, as Wednesday Adams so aptly put it, homicidal maniacs look just like everyone else. The most successful (and dangerous) serial killers were, historically, seen as normal people by their friends, family, acquaintances, and neighbors. People like Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, Gary Leon Ridgway (the Green River Killer), Denis Rader (the BTK killer), and John Robinson (the first known internet serial killer). Very few serial killers were like Richard Ramirez (the Night Stalker), who seemed clearly deranged and dangerous to most who met him. And that's just serial killers. We're not even talking about potential rapists, pedophiles, and abusive boyfriends, who also exist out there, and who also make use of the internet. These are definitely things to keep in mind, and it's clear your parents are doing just that. After all, "I've talked to him on the phone, he's just fine" is not quite as convincing or settling to parents as "I've met him several times for coffee, he's just fine."

Okay, forget the whole danger aspect for just a moment. As you only know this guy online, while he may not be lying to you about his age or appearance, there is still the chance that he is lying to you about a myriad of other things. Since you don't live where he lives, it's not like you can check up on a lot of it. Again, something your parents, who I assume want only the best for their girl, are going to worry about. We often joke about "puppy killers" in here, but there really are people out there who do just that sort of heinous behavior....and no one knows about it for a long time, or sometimes ever. (Hello, Michael Vick.)

Your parents are worried about their daughter, and if they weren't, they wouldn't be good parents. They likely come from a generation where the internet was not as pervasive, and for people like that, it may be tough to accept the new social media and ways to meet people.

So how do you get them to accept him? It's been said before, and it will be said again: until they meet him themselves (and probably on numerous occasions), you can't. Some things really have to be done the old-fashioned way. Frankly, I don't think that that's always a bad thing.

Honestly if you're over 18 it's a moot point.

No, it's not a moot point. And here's why:

I live in their house, they pay bills, feed me, wash my clothes, etc

While legally she is an adult, she is, by her own words, living in their house, not paying rent, not paying bills, and being pretty much a dependent on them, in every way but legally living as their child. Now, it might be different if she was renting a room from them, throwing in for her share of the bills, doing her laundry, paying for her food, or at least for her portion of the food, but it seems she is doing none of these. As such, the whole "our house, our rules" idea really does apply.

I mean, if I was footing all the bills for my child, I don't think it's at all too much to ask that I be allowed to have some say so in their lives. This is, of course, why I have been on my own since just before my 18th birthday, other than the six months my employment situation forced me to live with my parents. But even then, I was not totally dependent on them.

Look, Kisa and everyone else: if you are going to be in a position, voluntarily or due to circumstances, where you are a dependent of your parents, and they are footing your bills, you have to accept that that comes with a price. Everything comes with a price of some sort.

Even free rides aren't free rides.

[Eisa]

Yay! That's awesome.

Yep, you have to book REALLY far in advance, but it nets you an awesome deal.

[TowelKing]

Woo! $230! I just have to book 21 days in advance.

[Eisa]

-checks your location- Well, if you're in Canada, I can see how it would be a little more...

[TowelKing]

Haha. Well I just checked and they quoted me $500...so for a little extra I might as well fly and not waste an extra 4 days

[Eisa]

When I visited my bf, [trip from Idaho to Maryland], the trip was $216 round-trip. To get that kind of deal, however, you have to reserve it REALLY far in advance. But if you do that...yeah, I bet it's definitely doable.

[TowelKing]

Really?! $200 that's it? Damn.

[hornet95]

$200 for you to take the Old Grey Dog and stay two nights at the Econo-mic Lodge nearby and then meet her parents might help. If she could cook for you, it would be the equivalent of 4 nice dates. Just saying...

[TowelKing]

Well her mom is slowly warming up to the idea. She knows that we like eachother and seems to be okay with it.
I have her on facebook (LOL!), and had a brief (albeit quite direct) conversation, and she *seems* to like me. I'm going to try and skype with her next week when she's off, so that we can 'actually' meet each other.
As for visiting: the less-than-ideal circumstances have passed (yay!), and I am working on getting down there to visit, but with not having a job right now and not even having enough to pay for my truck this month, I can't afford it I needs a job soon lol.
Of course now that we can skype with my phone, and I get Internet back on Saturday, I can look at selling my laptop.

Anybody want to buy a <1-year old Alienware laptop?

[Moirae]

I met my husband online in 1999. Honestly? You don't convince them that he isn't a danger. It will never work. After 12 years, and meeting him many times, plus all the problems that have happened over the years (my mothers death, hurricane katrina for him, job losses, and my car accident that nearly resulted in me being paralyzed plus more), my family knows he won't harm me in any way.

Only time and his behavior will show them the truth. And so will yours. If you cheat on him or something and they find out, they will take it as proof that in your heart you know he's bad for you so you're looking for an alternative.

Before my mom died, she gave us her blessing. It was one of the last things she said to me. And it means so much that she did. My dad... well I could care less really.

[telecom_goddess]

Ok a couple of points....

Not to be nitpicky but I think you meant stigma not stigmata

And speaking from the perspective of a mom with an 18 year and a 21 year old, one of whom is still living at home....and paying the household bills with no help, they have some say in what goes on in their home and who comes into it. They can't tell you who to talk to or have a relationship with but they can be concerned....and while *I* trust TowelKing I can see why they don't yet. If he meets them at the same time I think it would be better.

And lastly...why the hell aren't you doing your own laundry?

[ShadowBall]

Sounds like you're going about it in the right manner as far as breaking the ice. I know a lot of people are iffy about meeting anyone online because OMG everybody iz a homicidal perv!

I don't think I can offer too much advice because my mother is a nutjob and I cannot tell her things normal people could tell their normal and semi-normal parents. Hell, I never officially came out and said I was ever dating anyone, so she still calls my BF my "friend" after I've been with him for over six years. But if I make a new male friend, she'll tell me I can't have "two boyfriends"...makes no sense. I digress.

And she'd probably have a good, long bitch fit if she found out I have a male penpal who is twice my age (who I would like to meet one day). Since the cat's already out of the bag in your case, though, just taking it slow will be best. Basically what you're already doing. If he does meet them in person, tell him to definitely be prepared to get grilled every which way by them because your parents will likely try and make him admit he's done something deviant in his life so they can prove to you he's "no good."

[iradney]

TTO and I met on the internet - we're now married
Meeting the parents is definitely a good idea. My aunt lived in the same state as TTO, so when I went to meet him IRL for the first time, she met us to vet him. Her report back was very favourable.

[Kisa]

Be sure, be confident, and play it super-safe in front of your parents if/when he does visit. At least the first time. It will prevent gun-polishing, and give them the confidence that you will be perfectly fine with him.

Just remember: don't lie if you don't have to. It makes it a hell of a lot more awkward once you've walked around the whole thing. I still get that a lot.

So far, I've told my mom all about him only excluding the part about us dating. I want her to be ok with him as a person first. Daddy knows I'm talking to a Canadian friend online. So, no lies. Just witheld information..... I'm taking baby steps

In the long run, though, you're a legal adult and can make your own decisions. I wouldn't want to burn any bridges, though, so I'd try for the other options first.

We may get a chance to meet soon in less-than-ideal circumstances. (a funeral may bring me to his area...) That's my plan I want to try to get them to accept him first. If that doesn't work, I'll have to date him anyway. He's a wonderful person and I honestly haven't found any flaws yet. I don't want to lose this chance with him.

[Kogarashi]

Put me in the "have him meet your parents" camp (TowelKing, how feasible is that?). That's probably the best way to alleviate their fears. It may not work for everything, but it'll certainly knock off half that list having a real, physical person there for them to get to know.

If TK visiting isn't so easy right away, might I suggest having your parents webcam-Skype with him? Having him on video chat should also knock off a few items from their protest list (the "not real," "40-year-old creeper" etc. items), while letting them get to know him a bit.

In the long run, though, you're a legal adult and can make your own decisions. I wouldn't want to burn any bridges, though, so I'd try for the other options first.