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The Tow Files: Grand Theft Auto

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  • The Tow Files: Grand Theft Auto

    Except, not really.... read on and find out why.

    Yup, the frequently not-heard-from evening shift guy, whose work history is long stretches of nothing exciting interspersed with the occasional good yarn, had another one of those rare blockbusters that break up the long string of duds.

    Seems he was minding himself on a cold winter's night here when a horn goes off on the other side of the impound fence, a couple times.

    This area is what little real estate can be squeezed between the impound lot fence and the street/sidewalk outside. Basically, a single row of out-of-the-way parking where long-term dead cars are put until the mechanics here can get around to looking at them.

    Thus, hearing a car braying like an automated mule in the dead of night just outside the fence isn't that unusual. The death rattle of a vehicle's failing electrical system, the kind that gets you towed in here for service, can cause all kinds of things to just spontaneously go off, like your hazard lights, or your horn, so Yup thinks nothing of it, at first.

    But the horn keeps going off, and it's not the rhythmic pulsating of an alarm horn, but a sporadic one, the kind that you only really get when a human (or possibly cat) is playing with one.

    When he hears a fifth blast, Yup decides to investigate and finds that one of the cars in the row has the door open, the dome light one, and someone inside fiddling with it.

    "Hey, you need some help there buddy?"

    "Yeah, I'm just, *mumble* *mumble* my car"


    "No, I'm *mumble* *mumble* fine.... yeah, I'm just *mumble* my car"

    "So it's your car?"


    Right away, Yup knows this is high-grade fertilizer, the car this person is mucking about in has been here for several days, in fact, Yup himself might have been the one who parked it there last week. He never met the owner face to face, but he knows this guy ain't him.

    But that certainly explains the honking, the guy seems a bit, intoxicated, so much so that he's having a hard time getting the key into the ignition, and his missing is what's causing him to rap on the horn button.... Yup is kinda surprised he was cognizant enough to FIND the keys in the cup holder, which is where they were.

    Now, "Why would you leave the keys IN a car, an unlocked car, out in the open?", I hear you ask. That's a thing right up there with putting tin foil in a microwave and resurrecting Dracula on the "This WILL cause trouble, don't do it" shortlist.

    Well, it's simple.

    Like an old married couple, the key and computer in this car have decided to not talk to each other, with both blaming the other for the problem. Until we tow the car over to the counselor, er, dealership to have it re-programed (in the fun not-Orwell's-1984 kind of way), it's just not going to start, even with the key, it won't even crank.

    So they didn't see the harm in leaving the keys in the car and leaving it unlocked. Little did they know it attracted.... this guy. Who is trying, for reasons that only make sense to him, to start it, oblivious to the fact that he's too hammered to put the square peg in the right hole, let alone the fact that even when he gets it right, the car won't fire up.

    The real owner would know that.

    Yup casually takes 10 paces back and dials the police.

    Ossafer Friendly soon responds, walks up to the car, and has the exact same conversation with the guy.

    He then handles Hotwire Joe into the back of a squad car and comes over to Yup, "I don't know what's up with this guy, he seems pretty wasted, so we're gonna cite him with public intox and disorderly conduct unless you had anything else".

    "Nah, that sounds good" Yup says, "He didn't damage anything, thanks".

    See? Told you it wasn't very Grand, because it was a Z-list criminal who probably won't even remember what he was doing come the sober morn', and not very Theft because he didn't get away with it, and, well, it was all over a Chevy Equinox

    Told you it wasn't much "auto" either.

    But credit where it's due, that was the first time anyone ever tried SHOPLIFTING from us.
    - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.

  • #2
    At last, an Argabarga post. I was beginning to worry. Have people just gotten smarter around you lately (not bloody likely)?
    Life's too short to drink cheap beer


    • #3
      A new Tow Files! (doing the Snoopy dance of joy)

      Happy Friday, indeed!

      Almost makes up for it being full moon, which means elevated levels of caller crazy.
      "Crazy may always be open for business, but on the full moon, it has buy one get one free specials." - WishfulSpirit

      "Sometimes customers remind me of zombies, but I'm pretty sure that zombies are smarter." - MelindaJoy77


      • #4
        Not one of the usual kinds of St. Arga of Barga tales, but no less amusing!
        PWNADE(TM) - Serve up a glass today! | PWNZER - An act of pwnage so awesome, it's like the victim got hit by a tank.

        There are only Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because I choose to walk!


        • #5
          Yeah, another Argabarga Tow File!! You made my day, sir.

          I would have thought that this would be called Not-So-Grand-Auto-Theft-Attempt, though.


          • #6
            I was beginning to wonder if we were gonna have to "convince" beg you for a new Tow Files. This'll do, Arga ... for now
            "For a musician, the SNES sound engine is like using Crayola Crayons. Nobuo Uematsu used Crayola Crayons to paint the Sistine Chapel." - Jeremy Jahns (re: "Dancing Mad")
            "The difference between an amateur and a master is that the master has failed way more times." - JoCat
            "Thinking is difficult, therefore let the herd pronounce judgment!" ~ Carl Jung
            "There's burning bridges, and then there's the lake just to fill it with gasoline." - Wiccy, reddit
            "Retail is a cruel master, and could very well be the most educational time of many people's lives, in its own twisted way." - me
            "Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down...tell you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens...makes her a home." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, "Serenity" (2005)
            Acts of Gord – Read it, Learn it, Love it!
            "Our psychic powers only work if the customer has a mind to read." - me


            • #7
              This is the worst GTA DLC ever!
              To right the countless wrongs of our days... We shine this light of true redemption, that this place may become as paradise...Oh, what a wonderful world such would be...


              • #8
                Sounds like *somebody* needs to get off the booze and maybe take up flavoured water or something ...
                Customer service: More efficient than a Dementor's kiss
                ~ Mr Hero


                • #9
                  There's always hope that this is the epiphany that wakes them up, but some hopeless cases actually think these things are FUNNY when they look back on them, their denial being so strong that they can't see the negative in getting arrested....
                  - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.


                  • #10
                    ...'and that's when I realized I had hit rock bottom...'

                    Naw, though, I think Argabarga's right; they'll probably think it's just a great story or the SC favorite 'someone else's fault'. One can always live in hope though; it's how I manage to get up in the morning, anyway.

                    Always love your stories, Arga.


                    • #11
                      When I saw the title, I thought it might be the sort of thing that belongs in Cursing out Coworkers, such as the last post in this thread. Although when I re-read the rest of that thread, it looks like that wouldn't be likely.