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I'm delivering 7 lockers. 6 out of the 7 are defective, the lock mechanism is hitting the inner edge making it difficult/impossible to close them. I can't really blame production this time around, engineering gave them zero margin for error. There is less than a millimeter of clearance here, anybody who knows anything about how these are made knows that bending metal into shape is not an exact science, you are not going to get the precise measurements that engineering is expecting, at least not to within a millimeter or less.
Anyways, as usual, the manufacturer has given me defective product. Horray, early day for me. Oh, not so fast there evil one, you have to check in with your MiM before calling it. Naturally, me MiM can't let me off that easily, no no no, I have to call the salesman to see what kind of suggestion he can provide. To understate the obvious, this annoys me. First of all, this dumbass is constantly surprised that once again, as usual, as always, the manufacturer has screwed up; he has to state this surprise, and naturally doubt my findings. And then, this deity of all things office furniture related must tell me about the "easy" solution that he has to the problem, typically involving the "simple" complete reconstruction of the product.
I kind of catch a break and get his voicemail. But I can't get off that easy, I send an email to him and my MiM. I'm told to wait 15 minutes for his reply. While waiting, I put my experience to work and using one of the specialty tools I carry, I'm able to bend and persuade the pieces just enough so that 6 of the 7 are functioning adequately. The 6th is a lost cause though, the door is completely out of alignment, not only is the lock mechanism beyond what I'm able to bend, the door is rubbing along the bottom and getting stuck. This defect is glaringly obvious by the paint scratches along the bottom edge. If the manufacturer had a quality control department that wasn't perpetually on break, this one would have been an easy catch.
But I'm at the 14 minute mark now, I'm almost a free man. Cue my phone. Oh great, my hero, Mr. Salesman is here to save the day. After the obligatory surprise and reluctance to accept the reality that this manufacturer (that screws up product literally every time) has once again shipped defective product. Naturally he has to question that the defect even exists. I actually agree with him here, I mean who wants a locker with a door that easily opens and closes? No no no, I want the workout of throwing a shoulder into it to get it to close and ripping the door off it's hinges to get it open again, sounds great to me, off I go. Oh, wait a tic, the people in the office may not be quite so eager to go neandrethal on these things, maybe we should try to fix things. So I explain to him how I've already fixed 6 of them. Then I explain to him that I've already fixed 6 of them. On the third attempt, he finally listens a little bit.
SC: Oh, so you've got a few of them fixed?
Me: Yes, for the fourth time, 6 of them are working ok now, I as able to bend the mechanism out enough.
SC: So is this something you could use your dremel tool to shave a small portion off then.
Me: Okay, I don't bring a dremel tool, you know that. And why should I? 6 of them are working fine.
SC: Well yeah, but it would be better if there was more clearance.
Me: Yeah, no shit. Take that up with the engineers at the manufacturer that think that 1 micro-millimeter is all the clearance that's needed.
SC: Well if you don't have a dremel tool, just pull out your file and take a little off that inner edge.
Me: I don't have a file either.
SC: What? Why not?
Me: Because I'm a systems furniture installer, not a carpenter of general contractor. My job is to bring in properly manufactured product.
SC: Well you should have tools to do a little customizing.
Me: You are welcome to have your own opinion, feel free to talk to the office with your suggestion.
SC: Okay, well maybe if you use your ballpeen hammer and just tap the inner edge in a bit.
Me: Seriously? You want me to hammer a jagged edge into these things.
SC: Well I guess you could use your file to smooth it out afterwards.
Me: Still don't have a file. And before you ask, I don't have a forge and press either. I can't melt these things down and reform them.
SC: Ha ha.
So he finally accepts that I don't have tools to do what is not my job to do, kind of. He accepted the reality that I don't, but not the reality that this kind of work is not my job. He just has to re-state his opinion that I should be able to do a few "simple" repairs. Yeah bud, have to check the quote again to see if there's a line in there of "2 hours to repair shit product" but I'll take a wild guess that it's not there. I leave and write up the deficiency of 1 locker with a completely misaligned door that will require replacement.
Well that was a much fun as sandpaper across the nether regions, but at least it's all cleared up now. A couple weeks later, the big day comes to return to the client and get things right. Hmmmmm, how come I have a file and a can of touch up paint with my paperwork? I was very clear that this locker is fubar'd. Oh no, that's just my opinion. In the opinion of the people who have never seen the product and don't do any of the actual work, I just need to shave things down a little bit and it will be fine.
Off I go. I do not even make the slightest attempt to hide from the customer the fact that I'm doing a half-assed "solution" to make it work. Yeah, you just spent a few hundred dollars for this brand new locker, I'm going to butcher it so that it might hopefully function close to properly. Unfortunately, the client was one of those "just here to open the door" so she did not care, she just wanted me to get it done. I start shaving away at the lock mechanism and surprise surprise, it looked like utter crap with a disproportioned groove cut out, but it worked, so apparently, that is perfection. But I still had the problem of the misaligned door. Okay, the only thing I can do here is shave at the bottom of the locker and hope I can take enough of it off. I get to work and in ten minutes, all I've accomplished is scratching the shit out of it, I might have taken off a fraction, but it was a good 1/16" that was needed, at this pace, I would be at it all week. I'm going to just write it up again but I've got one more trick up my sleeve - I pull out my pry bar and see if I can persuade the door to raise itself a little bit. Somehow this works. I give the section that I scratched the hell out of the worst paint touch up in history and tell the client that this is the best I can do, feel free to complain.
Anyways, as usual, the manufacturer has given me defective product. Horray, early day for me. Oh, not so fast there evil one, you have to check in with your MiM before calling it. Naturally, me MiM can't let me off that easily, no no no, I have to call the salesman to see what kind of suggestion he can provide. To understate the obvious, this annoys me. First of all, this dumbass is constantly surprised that once again, as usual, as always, the manufacturer has screwed up; he has to state this surprise, and naturally doubt my findings. And then, this deity of all things office furniture related must tell me about the "easy" solution that he has to the problem, typically involving the "simple" complete reconstruction of the product.
I kind of catch a break and get his voicemail. But I can't get off that easy, I send an email to him and my MiM. I'm told to wait 15 minutes for his reply. While waiting, I put my experience to work and using one of the specialty tools I carry, I'm able to bend and persuade the pieces just enough so that 6 of the 7 are functioning adequately. The 6th is a lost cause though, the door is completely out of alignment, not only is the lock mechanism beyond what I'm able to bend, the door is rubbing along the bottom and getting stuck. This defect is glaringly obvious by the paint scratches along the bottom edge. If the manufacturer had a quality control department that wasn't perpetually on break, this one would have been an easy catch.
But I'm at the 14 minute mark now, I'm almost a free man. Cue my phone. Oh great, my hero, Mr. Salesman is here to save the day. After the obligatory surprise and reluctance to accept the reality that this manufacturer (that screws up product literally every time) has once again shipped defective product. Naturally he has to question that the defect even exists. I actually agree with him here, I mean who wants a locker with a door that easily opens and closes? No no no, I want the workout of throwing a shoulder into it to get it to close and ripping the door off it's hinges to get it open again, sounds great to me, off I go. Oh, wait a tic, the people in the office may not be quite so eager to go neandrethal on these things, maybe we should try to fix things. So I explain to him how I've already fixed 6 of them. Then I explain to him that I've already fixed 6 of them. On the third attempt, he finally listens a little bit.
SC: Oh, so you've got a few of them fixed?
Me: Yes, for the fourth time, 6 of them are working ok now, I as able to bend the mechanism out enough.
SC: So is this something you could use your dremel tool to shave a small portion off then.
Me: Okay, I don't bring a dremel tool, you know that. And why should I? 6 of them are working fine.
SC: Well yeah, but it would be better if there was more clearance.
Me: Yeah, no shit. Take that up with the engineers at the manufacturer that think that 1 micro-millimeter is all the clearance that's needed.
SC: Well if you don't have a dremel tool, just pull out your file and take a little off that inner edge.
Me: I don't have a file either.
SC: What? Why not?
Me: Because I'm a systems furniture installer, not a carpenter of general contractor. My job is to bring in properly manufactured product.
SC: Well you should have tools to do a little customizing.
Me: You are welcome to have your own opinion, feel free to talk to the office with your suggestion.
SC: Okay, well maybe if you use your ballpeen hammer and just tap the inner edge in a bit.
Me: Seriously? You want me to hammer a jagged edge into these things.
SC: Well I guess you could use your file to smooth it out afterwards.
Me: Still don't have a file. And before you ask, I don't have a forge and press either. I can't melt these things down and reform them.
SC: Ha ha.
So he finally accepts that I don't have tools to do what is not my job to do, kind of. He accepted the reality that I don't, but not the reality that this kind of work is not my job. He just has to re-state his opinion that I should be able to do a few "simple" repairs. Yeah bud, have to check the quote again to see if there's a line in there of "2 hours to repair shit product" but I'll take a wild guess that it's not there. I leave and write up the deficiency of 1 locker with a completely misaligned door that will require replacement.
Well that was a much fun as sandpaper across the nether regions, but at least it's all cleared up now. A couple weeks later, the big day comes to return to the client and get things right. Hmmmmm, how come I have a file and a can of touch up paint with my paperwork? I was very clear that this locker is fubar'd. Oh no, that's just my opinion. In the opinion of the people who have never seen the product and don't do any of the actual work, I just need to shave things down a little bit and it will be fine.
Off I go. I do not even make the slightest attempt to hide from the customer the fact that I'm doing a half-assed "solution" to make it work. Yeah, you just spent a few hundred dollars for this brand new locker, I'm going to butcher it so that it might hopefully function close to properly. Unfortunately, the client was one of those "just here to open the door" so she did not care, she just wanted me to get it done. I start shaving away at the lock mechanism and surprise surprise, it looked like utter crap with a disproportioned groove cut out, but it worked, so apparently, that is perfection. But I still had the problem of the misaligned door. Okay, the only thing I can do here is shave at the bottom of the locker and hope I can take enough of it off. I get to work and in ten minutes, all I've accomplished is scratching the shit out of it, I might have taken off a fraction, but it was a good 1/16" that was needed, at this pace, I would be at it all week. I'm going to just write it up again but I've got one more trick up my sleeve - I pull out my pry bar and see if I can persuade the door to raise itself a little bit. Somehow this works. I give the section that I scratched the hell out of the worst paint touch up in history and tell the client that this is the best I can do, feel free to complain.