Wherein I Peddle Unimaginable Wonders

[thatcrazyredhead]

But We Have Such Wonders

Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Uh, not really.”

You don’t sound convinced. Are you sure you don’t want to place an order? We have many wonderous and amazing items in a plethora of eye searing colours that will help you stand out for miles on the arctic tundra. Whether you’re just trying to survive the tempature or you want to look like an extra in a rap video. Or both. We’ve got you covered!

We even have a jacket that will grant you the power of a large squirrel.

Am I the only one who wonders how to get their hands on one of these catalogues? Not to place an order or anything, just to gaze upon the items for comic relief.

[Moirae]

OMG, I'm trying so hard not to burst out laughing so I don't disturb the whole office that I'm actually crying. I'm having trouble typing because I can barely see.

I'm also disturbed.

roflmao

Oh, I cannot imagine doing that job.

[Jester]

I cannot claim to be the inventor of the term. You've never heard it before?

Clearly not.

Its not actually tech support, I'm obfuscating to hide the identity of the client. Their name is way too descriptive of who they are and what they do. Also, it's 1 number off from Yellow Cab ( hence the wrong numbers all the time ), so hard to mistake for Taxi Port, heh

Well then, there goes my one potential theory that doesn't make your caller a complete blithering idiot. Why I ever even bothered trying, I don't know.

Surprisingly, the reception is typically pretty good. Once in a while I'll get one that sounds like they're yelling at me from the bottom of a well on the other side of a hill in a snow storm. But normally its surprisingly decent.

Ah, but while it may well be decent for you hearing them, it may not be so decent the opposite way. I myself have been on many calls (none to Nunavut) where one person can hear the other perfectly well, but the second can't hear the first at all, or at least not very clearly. Of course, my friends and I, being somewhat intelligent and rational beings, merely hang up and redial, almost always getting a good connection for both parties the second time around.

[Gravekeeper]

I've never had trouble spelling chihuahua since I saw an episode of "WKRP In Cincinnati" where Les Nesman kept pronouncing chihuahua as Ch-eye-hoo-uh-hoo-uh.

That's....honestly how I know how to spell it correctly. Because its stuck in my head as "Cha-hoo-uh-hoo-uh" ><

Truly one of the best phrases you have yet come up with.

I cannot claim to be the inventor of the term. You've never heard it before?

Since we could not see the face of that guy, would you care to describe it for us? As I'm sure it was classic, and you do rather have a way with words.

Mainly a mixture of awe and slowly dawning fear for his rather expensive phone. This guy went up and down the Skytrain asking for change. Then up and down the Skytrain asking to borrow a cell phone. With an impassioned and lengthly plea about how if he could just call his friend then he could get a ride instead and didn't need fare. Best part he wasn't even able to convince this "friend" of who he was and had to end the call with "Uh, ok, I guess I'll call you back later or something". >.>

To be (somewhat) fair, I could see someone hearing <company> Tech Support as <company> Taxi Port. It's not that big a stretch.

Its not actually tech support, I'm obfuscating to hide the identity of the client. Their name is way too descriptive of who they are and what they do. Also, it's 1 number off from Yellow Cab ( hence the wrong numbers all the time ), so hard to mistake for Taxi Port, heh ;p

I'm beginning to form a theory that your callers from the northern climes are not simply stupid, dull-witted troglodytes, but that their phone reception is rather poor due to their extremely northern locale, and thus they don't always hear you clearly.

Surprisingly, the reception is typically pretty good. Once in a while I'll get one that sounds like they're yelling at me from the bottom of a well on the other side of a hill in a snow storm. But normally its surprisingly decent.

They also use loud whistles to communicate with one another. That might be a useful skill.

I don't know. The perferred form of communication up there seems to be is "Make the woman do it while I yell at her from the background". I don't think they'd adequate overly well. =p

[Becks]

I guess it might grant you the power of marmots themselves. But seeing as those are basically slower, fatter squirrels, I’m not sure such abilities would have any practical applications.

They also use loud whistles to communicate with one another. That might be a useful skill.

[dalesys]

...knowing how or taking the time to look up how to spell Chihuahua.

Yapyapyapyap.

[Rapscallion]

I wonder, if we all got together and decided to call up GK during business hours to see if any of us make up anything more out there than his usual callers. Could we out whatever the usual's?

Something I'd prefer not to contemplate.

First, GK suffers enough as it is.

Second, anonymity on this site is something we take seriously.

Third, would you really want to descend to the level of his callers?

Just saying

Rapscallion

[Jester]

( Call Duration: 15m37s. Items Ordered: 3 )

That is scary in ways I can't even begin to explain. Now, the one benefit to your job is that you only have to deal with one of your customers at a time. Imagine that same sort of pondering slow-witted interaction when you have a full bar or dining room section and have other customers waiting on you, and you go through the food service equivalent of that particular caller:

SERVER: "Are you folks ready to order?"
SC: ".....yes."
SERVER: "What can I get for you?"
SC: "......um......I'll have......um......this sandwich....here....."
SERVER: "Which one is that?"
SC: "......uhhhh.......er.......the Gravekeeper........Special.......Roasted Elk. With.....fries."

Sadly, this is a common thing, and the above typed passage does not adequately convey the amount of dead air and delay and just utter lack of life involved in these interactions.

So yeah, I feel your pain.

But at least I have access to shots.

Solely because, despite being in at least his mid-40s, he still seems absolutely amazed that vagina exists.

I, being in my early 40's (shhh...don't tell anyone) am still amazed that vagina exists, and enjoy looking at it/watching it whenever the opportunity presents itself. Unlike your fellow traveler, however, I learned how to (usually) appear nonchalant about it by, oh, the age of FIFTEEN. And even on those few times when I am caught staring/leering/optically drooling, at least I am not plastered to a window like a penniless kid outside of FAO Schwarz.

you're being eye fucked by a man twice your age with poor impulse control.

Truly one of the best phrases you have yet come up with.

I guess it might grant you the power of marmots themselves. But seeing as those are basically slower, fatter squirrels, I’m not sure such abilities would have any practical applications.

Unless, of course, they really like nuts.

You know, the sort of question that is so beyond silly your brain actually shuts down to protect itself and you just sort of stand there. Wordlessly opening and closing your mouth, trying to formulate a serious response. I was only able to answer in single words and gestures after recovering from the shock.

I have dealt with such questions. The most recent memorable one being, "That Mount Gay rum....is that a rum designed for gay people to drink?"

You see, some Skytrain stations have one big middle platform for both East and Westbound trains. But others have two seperate platforms, one for each direction. So you must select the correct staircase in order to get to the correct platform for the Eastbound or Westbound track.

In other words, just like pretty much every other mass transit train system in North America, and probably the world.

Yes, very complex, that.

SC: “Uh, yes, but I don’t know where i-OH HO HO WOAH! LOOKY HERE! OH MY GOD! I do too!”

I have actually been this person. On more than one occasion.

Yes, I very much amuse many telephone CSR's.

If there’s one thing women love, it’s the guy that just can’t seem to find the line that divides “Ha Ha” and “Stacey, get your purse, we’re leaving before he comes back.”

Sadly, I've also been this person. Sadly, also on more than one occasion.

Although, I do wish you could have seen the look on the face of the guy whose cell phone you borrowed to call a “friend to pick me up” when you had to loudly remind this “friend” who you were. By describing yourself as “Rob the Native guy with the wavy hair in the dark shirt with the sunglasses carrying a Chihuahua. You know, Rick’s roommate.”

Since we could not see the face of that guy, would you care to describe it for us? As I'm sure it was classic, and you do rather have a way with words.

You know, you’d think <company> Tech Support wouldn’t really leave any room for mystery as to the function of this company.

To be (somewhat) fair, I could see someone hearing <company> Tech Support as <company> Taxi Port. It's not that big a stretch.

They're still blithering idiots, mind you. But I can see how they might be more confused than what is normal even for their dull minds.

Me: “Which catalog are you looking in there?”
SC: “Uhh……..I’d like to…..uhhhh……jeans”
Me: “Which catalog are they in though? I can't find them in my inventory.”
SC: “Jeans”
Me: “Yes, but which catalog are you looking in? 2010? 2011? Fall? Winter?”
SC: “Wha?”
Me: “Which catalog is this?”
SC: “What? Code?”
Me: “Is this the Fall catalog? Or the Winter catalog or?”
SC: “Uh. 1.”

I'm beginning to form a theory that your callers from the northern climes are not simply stupid, dull-witted troglodytes, but that their phone reception is rather poor due to their extremely northern locale, and thus they don't always hear you clearly.

Of course, it's probably more likely that they are, in fact, stupid, dull-witted troglodytes, but I felt it necessary to point out this other very reasonable possibility.

SC: “I need a big one.”
Me: “I don’t have any in stock, sorry.”
SC: “Uh, well, I’ll just get it anyway.”

Troglodytes. Check.

I’m beginning to get the impression that the sentences I am using are too complex for you.

"DO-YOU-UNDERSTAND-THE-WORDS-THAT-ARE-COMING-OUT-OF-MY-MOUTH?"

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

.....I can’t believe you just made this mistake twice, even with my cautionary counsel.

And I can't believe that at this point in your career, you have any trouble whatsoever believing this sort of thing.

I wonder, if we all got together and decided to call up GK during business hours to see if any of us make up anything more out there than his usual callers. Could we out whatever the usual's?

I'm pretty sure that *I* could. But then, I am a creative writer that drinks heavily and hangs out with magicians, strippers, swingers, nudists, drunks, artists, writers, hippies, nomads, and people from Ohio. So it's not that much of a stretch.

My B-I-L's favorite pickup line is: "Would you be seduced if I bought you a steak dinner?"

My favorite bad pickup line that I ever heard was "Is your husband married?" For some reason, that just struck my funny bone.

The current success rate is around 95%

The pickup line I usually use does not have nearly as great a success rate, as I start with "Hello," and go from there.

However, I do have one pickup line that has been 100% effective. That line is, "So, do you wanna fuck?" And yes, when I say 100% effective, I mean it worked every single time I used it.

Of course, I only used it once, but damn it, it worked!

[Andara Bledin]

I've never had trouble spelling chihuahua since I saw an episode of "WKRP In Cincinnati" where Les Nesman kept pronouncing chihuahua as Ch-eye-hoo-uh-hoo-uh.

Is that the one with "Ch-eye Ch-eye Rod-reh-gweez"?

^-.-^

[BeenThereDoneThat]

OK, I'm done crying from laughing so hard now...but I do so look forward to the GK postings...(sorry to laugh at your misery, GK, but...why else would you post these?? )

Me: “Do you have an account number?”
SC: “Uh, yes, but I don’t know where i-OH HO HO WOAH! LOOKY HERE! OH MY GOD! I do too!”

With us it's usually an order number, but yeah...they say they can't find it, I ask for some other information to look them up with and as soon as I'm done typing that in they say "Oh, HERE it is!" Geez. I will admit, though, that sometimes I get disorganized when I call customer service somewhere and then I do the same thing...lol. Sorry

[Grumpy]

Also, thank you for knowing how or taking the time to look up how to spell Chihuahua.

I've never had trouble spelling chihuahua since I saw an episode of "WKRP In Cincinnati" where Les Nesman kept pronouncing chihuahua as Ch-eye-hoo-uh-hoo-uh.

[dragon_wings]

I totally thought you meant the Chihuahua was Rick's roommate.

So glad I wasn't the only one that thought this.

[Flying Grype]

No, no I do not Rob the Native guy with the wavy hair in the dark shirt with the sunglasses carrying a Chihuahua who is Rick’s roommate.

I totally thought you meant the Chihuahua was Rick's roommate. Also, thank you for knowing how or taking the time to look up how to spell Chihuahua.

[Lady_Pigeon]

Dubious Superpowers

Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx”

Let me just stop you right there. I feel the need to intervene in what I am sensing is a terrible, terrible idea that may lead to grevious bodily harm.

I know that "Marmot Gravity Jacket" with "Angel Wing Movement" sounds like a jacket that has a high possibility of granting at least some basic low level superpowers. But trust me, they're just marketing terms. This jacket in no way negates gravity nor allows the user to fly or even glide over short distances. Marmots have the exact same gravity as everyone else.

I guess it might grant you the power of marmots themselves. But seeing as those are basically slower, fatter squirrels, I’m not sure such abilities would have any practical applications.

Sir, I am dissapoint. I actually looked up this marvel of clothing engineering in the hopes it actually WAS a jacket with wings and that your description was provided so that the clueless callers could not get their hands on such a marvellous treasure. Alas, it was not to be, as it is just a jacket with no special features. I will call 50 times a night and complain about the stench as your punishment.

Btw, I just spent an unholy amount of time at your experiences. Thanks for another week of stories!

[MoonCat]

Suuuuure

Me: “Could you hold a moment, please?”
SC: "No! I've already been on hold for TWO HOURS!!"
Me: "Ma'am, the lines have only been open for 12 minutes."
SC: "........"
Me: "........"
SC: "Well, hmph!"

Customer Standard Time strikes again.


And the lady with the stinky home: Her face is going numb? Good, when it reaches her mouth, you shouldn't have to hear from her again. Unless she just calls anyway and randomly punches numbers trying to beep S.O.S. on her phone...