Definitions

[gunsage]

Here's a fun one...

Powercycle - Multiple definitions, depending on laziness of agent, ignorance of customer, etc.

1. Restarting the computer.
2. Hitting the standby button on the modem, waiting for mere seconds, hitting it again and immediately saying "Nope, still not workin."
3. Neglecting to mention you have a router and other computers attached, thus causing me to have to repeat the entire process.
4. The previous agent resetting the phone/modem combo (MTA) remotely and not understanding why the customer was disconnected.
5. Turning off the power strip and then turning it back on.

Unfortunately, each of these have happened to me before. The funniest part is when I catch a tier 2 agent lying by doing an online diagnostic, as in this scenario...

Me: "So the notes say you powercycled-"

T2: "Yup! First thing I did!"

Me: "Right, but it also says you did it after you removed the router-"

T2: "Yup! First thing I did!"

(Warning, you are a human being, not a parrot, therefore I was tempted to ask if you wanted a cracker. Moving on...)

Me: "But that's interesting, because it says right here that the uptime is over 14 days."

(long pause)

T2: "...Hmm."

It went pretty well downhill after that, but that's what I deal with everyday.

[Kilamon]

RTFM: Read the F()@*$&ing Manual. This axiom is only observed by those who know that Manual isn't the guy mowing the lawn.

[Gurndigarn]

One of my "favorite" error messages was the ones that sometimes showed up after something crashed in earlier versions of Windows (3.11 thru 9x) that gave you two options -- "Close" and "ignore."

For sheer style, I think Apple's "Dead Mac" error icon from their early machines was cool. Annoying when it showed up, but you couldn't miss the message.

Their newer machines have a boot error message in line-command-format that is something like "If you get this message, things are really screwed up."

[MadMike]

One of my "favorite" error messages was the ones that sometimes showed up after something crashed in earlier versions of Windows (3.11 thru 9x) that gave you two options -- "Close" and "ignore."

Might as well have said, "Click on whichever one you want, you're not getting your work back."

[Shabo]

Error Message (n):
1. A wonderfully detailed description of the problem that would inform the tech support of the method of repair that the user conveniently didn't write down and doesn't remember the subject of

2. A hopelessly obscure writing that causes said tech support to curse at the programmers that ever thought that this particular text could ever help anyone resolve, but that the user was kind enough to document for you

[UncleImpy]

Support Contract: What you are extending to your 'friend', whether you know it or not, when you sell him a copy of your company's software for the same price you get it. They will call you FIRST, every single time, about any problem they have with it, regardless of the day or time.

[braindead]

"We can" means "We will for free". As pertaining to advertising services

[protege]

User manual -- That shrinkwrapped book that has about 8" of dust on it simply because the user never opened it, but still thinks they have the right to bitch about whatever they just screwed up.

[ArenaBoy]

Stupidvisor: An idiot manager who doesn't know what they're doing, is spineless, plays favorites, or all three.

Parking passes: 5 kinds of passes that get you in the lot without paying and like coupons they are good for one day or good for half a season or for whenever. The 5 are suite, VIP, regular, North Club, and Cing.

Incident report: A thing that is used to report a car accident, an injury to a customer, a worker, a customer's car, or in the rare event all events at once. Very time consuming and in some cases involve letter writing.

Patience: Involves the abilty to wait for more than 1 minute, SCs never have this virtue.

[anode_probe]

These come from experience:

Dowha? - a derivative of "what did you say?" most comonly heard in the southern US.

Me - "have you done all of your software updates?"
Customer - "Dowha?"

Picture - another word for window, desktop or display.

Customer - "The Picture is blank!"
Me - "What Picture sir?"
C - "The Picture in the Picture Frame!"
Me - "I'm sorry?"

Shared Cycles - a set of unique traits shared by a computer and it's female user durring a certain point, normally repeating on a 28 day loop.

Customer - "You know how when a couple of women live together, their cycles are the same?"
Me - (pause) "Sure..."
C - "Well the same thing happens with me and my computer."
Me - (silence)
C - "Hello?"

The Board - an interchangable term for LCDs, Mother/Logic Board, RAM, PCI Cards, AGP Graphic cards, or anything that is relatively flat and is found inside an electronic device.

Customer - "I broke the board."
Me - "How so?"
C - "Well I was plugging the little green board into the black slots on the big blue board and the big blue board bent."

Alternatively:

Customer - "There is a big crack on the board and now I can't see anything?"
Me - "Does the computer power on?"
C - "Yeah, it runs and everything but the board is broken so the picture doesn't come up."
Me - "What colour is the board that broke?"
C - "It's the board on the front that puts up the pictrures."
Me - (press mute button) "I swear I'm losing brain cells!"

[Delacroix]

Anger Management- Something very many SCs need. Yannow...just so they don't blame us for any more smashed merchandise.

[Apallo]

Broken- Adj - Usually used to describe a computer/monitor that has been turned off or unplugged. Can also be used to describe an application error.

Email - N - Usually used by parents or older users to describe AOL, or in the olden days CompuServ.

Internet - N - Where the hackers live. Can also be used to describe any ISP out there (AOL, Earthlink etc...)

Plug(s) - N - Refers to any type of connector when associated with computers. This can be a USB cable, LPT Cable, PS/2 Connector and/or Cable etc...

Wire(s) - N - See Plug

Bluetooth - N - The device that allows wireless connections to the Internet

[rvdammit]

Cup holder -- A really cool tray that pops out of the front of the "hard drive", but often snaps off when you try to put your coffee cup on it. Strangely enough, a CD fits in there perfectly.

Or one of these http://www.atruereview.com/computer_...lder/index.php

[MadMike]

CPU, modem, hard drive -- all different words for the same thing, also sometimes called the "computer."

Computer -- sometimes referred to as a "monitor."

Cup holder -- A really cool tray that pops out of the front of the "hard drive", but often snaps off when you try to put your coffee cup on it. Strangely enough, a CD fits in there perfectly.

[repsac]

Laptop That thing which gets insanely hot and nearly starts a fire that the customer complains about. Typically caused by a large ammount of dust or pubic hair in the fans.

Keyboard An object specifically designed to attact all manner of dirt, dust, and hair. Sometimes used to type.

Stuck Key An error that is directly related to how much cola was spilled on the keyboard. At least you hope it was cola.

ID ten T error Used by tech support to explain that the customer screwed it up himself. Usually tacks on a 50% higher charge to fix.