My Friend is Getting Married...BAH

[Greenday]

When I was like 14, 15, I met these two girls who live down in Florida over the internet. I'm 19 now, and we still talk whenever we can. They happen to be best friends and they are only a younger than I am. I'm 19 right now. One of the two girls just turned 18 on March 23. Couple days ago, she posted on facebook about how she might be getting married. I already had one friend pull that joke this year. That was tragic. I was really supportive of her in my message to her about it, but apparently everyone else was pissed off at her and was really mean and hurtful. I was the only one nice to her about it. But somehow, I knew it wasn't a joke. So I messaged her asking her about it and she said she was really considering it. She just started going out with this guy like 2 months ago. They've known eachother since they were five but big freaking deal, that means nothing. She is just graduating high school this June. I told her I wasn't going to stop her from marrying this guy, but she damn well better wait till after college. Apparently he's already got the ring and he's going to transfer schools to be with her. He goes to a different school 6 hours away.

I'm not against getting married early. But I'm of the opinion that if you are going to college, wait till after college. Otherwise, wait till you have a job and can support yourself. She's got too much going against her. Going out for less than 2 months and she hasn't even started college yet. Come on.

[Thrifty]

I'm not against getting married early. But I'm of the opinion that if you are going to college, wait till after college.
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I do agree that this should probably apply to most people, but it doesn't necessarily have to apply to all. I'm one of the ones choosing to get married before I graduate college, but my fiancee already has a trailer which he owns, great credit, etc etc.

Do you know the guy she wants to marry, does he have his act together? Do you think she has the maturity for marriage? The best thing to do is to support her which you already are. Because in the end if she's gonna do it she's gonna do it no matter what her friends or family think. And coming from a person who has some resistence from some family it's very nice to have other supportive people.

And although I can't say for sure what she's thinking, I know I'm thinking "look I'm gonna marry the guy, you have no say in the fact, and I hate that you won't support me, because you telling me I shouldn't be doing this and how wrong it is, is not supporting me."

I hope everything works out for your friend in the best way possible though whatever the best way may be :-)

[CurlyLocks]

That's a tough situation for you to be in Greenday. I agree with Thrifty - be supportive of her to the extent you can be, unless of course you know the guy is an abuser or something like that. If he isn't, then continue to let her know you're her friend and are there for her. If it goes into the toilet, which statistically speaking more often than not a teenage marriage will, she will need all the friends she can get.

Unfortunately, I've dealt with this same thing more times than I care to remember with people close to me, including most recently my little brother (he's 20, she's 18). In almost every single case, the marriage has not worked out. To my complete and happy surprise though my little brother's marriage seems to be going quite well, and we're all hoping it will continue. I hope the same for your friend. :)

[Greenday]

As I said before, I met these girls over the internet. So I have absolutely NO idea what the guy is like. It doesn't even matter to me. College is some of the busiest years of your life. Shouldn't add marriage as that's huge and will definately screw stuff up.

[MMATM]

One of my friends is in a similar situation. She just graduated high school and the guy proposed to her in like October. They'd only been going out for about 4 or 5 months at that point. She is 18, he is 19 or 20. She, unfortunately, was still in the "smitten with bubbly happy obsession" stage (also known as infatuation) when he proposed. Unless you have lived with or close enough to someone for a significant amount of time to have a feel for what kind of person they really are (not just the good-boyfriend/girlfriend front they show you), you are asking for trouble. And if you are planning on going to college, marriage may not be the best idea especially if you are coming right out of high school, as many entering college students do.

On another note, I went out with a girl that I had known for my entire life (our mothers were friends and we were born one day apart) about a year ago, and after about 3 great months things soured rapidly and we haven't really spoken since, so 2 months is not long enough to know how things will turn out even if you have known them since you were an infant.

[BookstoreEscapee]

You can be supportive and caution her to not rush things at the same time. Just make it clear that you're concerned but don't be judgmental about it; if this is really what she wants tell her you are happy for her (if indeed you are), but if it goes bad, you are there if she wants to talk. If things work out for her, great, and if they don't, she'll need people to talk to; if her friends and family give her a hard time it'll make it all the harder for her to do that. She should carefully consider her reasons for wanting to get married so young.

This coming from the girl whose friends are all getting married/having kids. The first got married the year after we graduated college (they'd been together for 5 years by then), the latest (#5) is getting hitched in September. Freaky no matter how old ya' are ;)

[Greenday]

She apparently neglected to mention this to her best friend back home. They never hide anything from eachother. When I asked her about it, she had no idea what I was talking about so I just told her to look on facebook. She's now royally pissed off at our friend too.

[CurlyLocks]

You're all making good points about why she shouldn't get married so young. But as Thrifty said "in the end if she's gonna do it she's gonna do it no matter what her friends or family think. " My experiences with friends entering into young marriages have proved the same thing - no matter how well-meaning and well-constructed your arguments are, they absolutely will not listen. Their love is the most special love that has ever existed since the beginning of human history; every obstacle will melt away like cotton candy; none of the rules that apply to mere mortals will apply to them, etc., ad nauseum. So kindly raise any concerns you have, assure her you will support her, then be ready to be a shoulder to cry on when the bottom falls out.

Sorry to sound so cynical.

[BookstoreEscapee]

She apparently neglected to mention this to her best friend back home. They never hide anything from eachother. When I asked her about it, she had no idea what I was talking about so I just told her to look on facebook. She's now royally pissed off at our friend too.

hate to say it but that's a bad sign...posting on the web before telling even your best friend?

[Cia]

You never know the marriage might work. My friend's parents knew each other of 1 month before they got married and they are still together 46 years later. And my Grandparents knew each other for a month or two before they got married and they had been married for 58 years before my Grandpa died.

But then I have 3 female cousins who got married young and all of them are on their 3rd or 4th marriage.

[iradney]

A girl I went to highschool with dropped out in Grade 11 to marry her boyfriend of like 5 years. They had a baby and got divorced before we graduated...
I'm also of the opinion that marrying before the age of 21 is generally not a good idea. Of course, it depends on the people in the relationship and how mature they are...