Vacation.... or is it? (REALLY LONG)

[RedHeadPhoneGirl]

Well, I've been home for summer break since June 28th. I'm here until July 16th, when I once more head to school, to arrive on the 17th. This is supposed to be a vacation, and yet it's been so hard...
As most of you know, my father was diagnosed with tongue cancer in early February. In March (or April, I can't really remember which), he had to have a feeding tube put in, and had lost 75 pounds because his tongue was blistered and burnt from radiation, preventing him from eating. He still has the feeding tube in, and for the most part uses it, even though he is able to eat more at each meal, it is still only a few bites a few times a day.
Added to that, his tongue and throat are still burning from the radiation. The problem is, they did't catch the cancer until it was in the third stage. For those of you who aren't in the medical field, and/or don't know much about cancer, there are four stages. It's best and easiest to fight when caught in the first stage. If caught in the fourth stage, all the doctors can really do is give the patient medication to ease the pain and keep them comfortable, it is too late to fight it. My father's cancer was caught in the third stage. It would have been caught sooner, but he waited for me to leave for school before having the doctor check it out. His reasoning? "Would you have gone to school if you'd found out before hand?" No. Probably not. But can any of you guess just how guilty I'm feeling right now? If it hadn't been for me, maybe my dad's tongue and throat would be healing right now, not continuing to burn from the radiation. If it hadn't been for me, maybe my dad wouldn't need a feeding tube anymore, and he wouldn't have to carry a cup around with him to cough up dead cancer cells and he wouldn't have had a tumor in his throat the size of an egg.
What would have happened if I'd have had to wait longer than I did to leave for school? Or what if I'd decided not to go at all, but rather to wait until I could get the HOPE grant and go to college here? Would he still have waited? Would he have waited until it was stage four and there was nothing he could do about it at all?
Everytime we sit down for a meal, and my father chokes over his food, I want to cry. It breaks my heart a little more everyday, 3 times a day. And I know I shouldn't be smoking, after all, one of the leading causes of tongue cancer is tobacco use, but being here, the urge is stronger even than it is at school to smoke. Maybe it's because it keeps me from crying. Or maybe it's because I have to go outside to do it, so I get time to myself to think.... I don't know......

Anyway, on a lighter note, I heard from an extremely reliable source before I left school that my boyfriend is planning on proposing the weekend we get back (my birthday weekend 7/23). We've been together since February, and if he proposes what do you guys think? I love him, I'm in love with him, I'm happy with him and he treats me like I'm a princess even though I know I'm not even close to being one..... If he proposes should I say yes? Ah well I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Anyway, we got a new horse, a 5 year old buckskin mare named Lady.... will try to get pics but may not happen. We went to my uncles house and he has a lake. We were going catfishing and I caught a loggerhead turtle. For those of you who DON'T know, a loggerhead is also known as an alligator snapping turtle. Big, ugly, and dangerous. But it was really cool Smile

Well this is getting a LOT longer than I intended so I'm going to end it with a link I just found that seems to better explain my father's cancer than I can

http://www.cancer.med.umich.edu/learn/cantongue.htm

[BrassCowboy]

Anyway, on a lighter note, I heard from an extremely reliable source before I left school that my boyfriend is planning on proposing the weekend we get back (my birthday weekend 7/23).

Hey, thats my birthday too!

Back on topic, too bad about your dad. That story is probably going to keep me off cigars for a while.

[BlaqueKatt]

{{{{hugs}}}}

this is going to be a bit of a long reply so get a beverage or a snack(or both) and kick back, I'll wait......ready ok.

STOP MENTALLY BEATING YOURSELF UP OVER THIS!!! I know this may seem harsh but your father is an adult, and completely capable of making his won decisions, that is something you have NO CONTROL over. I know it sucks, but playing the "what if" game does absolutly no one any good-it adds more stress, and is probably preventing you from enjoying the time you do have with your father whether it be limited(all the more important to enjoy it while you can), or not. It is quite possible that he was afraid to go to the doctor, and rationalized his not going to the doctor by thinking "if I don't know what's wrong, it can't hurt me", and has convinced himself that he was doing it because of your schooling. People are strange when it comes to things like this, from a personal standpoint I had to go on a "hunger strike" for three days to get my now husband to make a doctor's appointment for his heart condition*(BTW-I do not reccommend that approach, I just knew the situation and did what I had to). See if there is a support group in your area, for families of cancer patients(and also see if your student center offers something or knows of one), you will probably find that your feelings of guilt are both natural and normal, and it will help to know that you are not alone.

There are no guarantees in life, you just have to take it as it comes, and learn what you can from it-it took me 25 years to figure that one out. I lost my father and my stepfather when I was 16, neither one of them went to the doctor until it was too late(father died of brain cancer, stepfather from a ruptured anyurism that could have been caught and fixed if he had gone to the damn doctor-both of them were afraid to go, and nothing I did or said could've changed that), so I know to an extent what you are going through. Treasure the time that you have, don't spend it second-guessing everything, it serves no purpose, it won't make the cancer go away, and if your father's time is shortened you will never forgive yourself for wasting the time you did have-I know because I did.

As far as the smoking I'm kind of torn(smoker myself-heh), for one you really don't need the added stress of quitting now, and on the other hand if you can make it through the stress of this and quit, you know you don't need it. You have to do what is best for you. If you do want to quit(and to be successful you have to want to for yourself-not for anyone else), I have friends that have done well on the patch, and most people I know that have taken Zyban(tm), swear by it(talk to your doctor -they will be more than happy to help). If you just want to cut back, my person stratagey(may not work for you though) is I put the number of cigs I'll allow myself for the day in a case(around 5-7) and "ration" them, and to make sure that I'm not tempted I give the pack to my husband and instruct him to hide it(he then "refills" the case the next day-and re hides them), and no matter what, not give me anymore.

Finally, I'm ordering you to be selfish for a day, take a day off from "life", a "mental health day" if you will, go to a park, the beach, go see a movie, anything that's fun to you. The important thing is to not allow yourself to thing about anything but enjoying the day-leave all stress at your bedroom door-you will be "re-energized" and better able to deal with what you have to.

If you need to talk my e-mail is blaqueKatt@gmail.com

BlaqueKatt-I have nothing to say here

[RedHeadPhoneGirl]

1st. Cowboy hehe not many people have that birthday :) Feel special, you were born on the first day of the ONLY true fire sign. While there are two other fire signs, they are mixed with other elements as well. Leo is the only true fire sign. Also thank you for your thoughts on what's been going on.

This part will be rather long.... I guess I've needed to get my emotions out :)


2nd. Blaque: Alright, I'm not sure what to say on this because I've got a million thoughts running through my head right now, and they kind of feel like when I'm playing Arkanoid and have that 8 ball pill, and all the balls are flying everywhere :headdesk:
I think I'll start with the smoking issue, as right now that seems the easiest. I have cut back. A lot. I've gone from about 1/2 - 3/4 of a pack a day, to having been able to make 5 packs last since last wednesday and I still have 5 left in the 5th pack. That's pretty good. As for the patch, I tried it. It irritates my skin and gives me a rash within an hour of me putting it on. The gum makes me feel sick to my stomach. I've tried. Unfortunately, my school (I go to Job Corps in Kentucky) has a limited wellness center and while they do have a program to help people quit smoking, all they really have is the gum and the patch (no good for me huh?) But I've been really good on cutting back and will, hopefully soon, quit for good, Duane (boyfriend)'s help.
As for the guilt. Yes I feel guilty. I go to school in Kentucky, but I live here in Georgia. Long way. LONG way. That is why he wanted to wait for me to get there instead of finding out before I left. My step mom doesn't believe I could have handled what he went through, and just from the way he's acting now, I would have to agree with her. He's gotten mean. He snaps at everyone and seems to know just the right buttons to push, but we have to just let it slide because we all know he's in pain, as well as frustrated over the fact that he cannot eat. But everyday, there seem to be several times in a day that I just want to go back to school early. I know that's aweful, but when you come home for vacation and feel like you're just here to work, and be yelled at, wouldn't you want to leave early?

Anyway, I really won't be able to have a mental refresher day until I get back to school. Here I don't have a car and I live in BFE so I really can't go anywhere..... Plus they always want me to do SOMETHING. Laundry, dishes, help rebuilding something etc etc etc. But when I get back, I'll be able to relax and just let myself calm down and get back to the nitty gritty of doing what I have to do to straighten out my life. Plus I'll have Duane, and he lets me vent when I need to..... he's my shoulder to cry on.
Anyway, Blaque, thank you for being there. Hell I want to thank everyone on CS for being there... there are so many of you who've helped me through all this s*** and I couldn't ask for a better group of people. Who needs a support group when all you have to do is type in "customerssuck.com"