Too funny- especially if you're a mom

[Mighty Girl]

I ran into an old friend from college today and we got caught up on each other's lives. She actually married her college boyfriend, then went on to tell me what a PITA his mother is.

In fact, for all three of her childrens' births, she hired private security guards to make extra sure neither her mother in law or sisters in law got into the delivery room. Apparently before her first daughter was born, her m-in-law asked repeatedly why she couldn't be there, whined, moaned, complained, then.....hinted that she WOULD be there anyway. Friend talked to nurses and they said they'd be happy to remove someone, but she was afraid they'd be too busy doing actual medical things, so she took things into her own hands- and at the door were not one, but TWO big guys with no sense of humor whatsoever. The b$$&& tried to talk her way past them, but they were given her picture and told "Do not let this woman in no mattter what!" To make sure things went just as well, she did the same thing with her second and third daughters.

Maybe I'm just mean, but I think it would be downright hilarious to have people who have been banned from the birth already, to be physically removed.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I don't understand why people think they have a right to be in the delivery room. I don't care who you are; I don't need to be in that position and have a bunch of people crowded around. Aside from necessary medical personnel, if you are not my husband/partner/lamaze coach or my siamese twin, you are only there if I say you can be there. And I reserve the right to kick you out at any point, too. Just because a small person is coming out of my nether regions does not mean everyone gets to see.

Oh, and if I do ever have kids, there will be absolutely NO video cameras, thank you very much. All photography will be still photos and will take place after all the screaming is over and the baby is wrapped up and placed in my arms.

[Mighty Girl]

I'm with you. My own mom didn't assume she had a right to be there, as far as I'm concerned if you didn't participate in the conception, or if you're not medical- then get out. In fact, only the medical people are guaranteed entry. My husband is a tad squeamish and I wondered if I would have to boot him. (I ended up having a c-section so none of this was an issue).

I also- don't like people in my space, so keep those hands off my belly. I don't like nosy questions, so don't ask if I'm going to breastfeed, going to get an epidural, etc. I don't like to share, deal with it. I don't let strangers hold my baby after they're born. Hell, you may not get to hold them if you're FAMILY if you haven't washed your hands first. Strangers? Get real. If I don't know you and you try to hold my baby, I'm going to assume you're trying to kidnap her and will act accordingly.

You wanna experience the "miracle of childbirth"? Go get knocked up, you're not getting any vicarious thrills off of me.

[Soulstealer]

I also- don't like people in my space, so keep those hands off my belly.



One day I'm going to make a t-shirt saying on the belly part: If you touch me without permission mommy will break your arm.

Or something. I saw a MILF In Training t-shirt the other day that made me want to have a pregnant friend.

[Mighty Girl]

You know, my friend got me a shirt similiar to that as kind of a gag gift. The funny part is, my husband and I had laughed at that shirt when we saw it somewhere (I think it actually said Future MILF). His expression TOTALLY changed when it was his wife that would be wearing it.

People have no idea how easy it is to tick off a pregnant woman. You're completely nauseated by the smell of anything, even in the tiniest amount, you're taking up all this extra room and usually bumping into stuff, spilling stuff on yourself and you have to pee like every 20 minutes. My hair grew at least double the normal rate, but I couldn't get it colored, my contacts didn't even fit right. People would be a lot more careful if they had any idea that they were ALWAYS walking on thin ice around pregos.

[Gost2036]

Pregnant women both terrify and amuse me. My boss is currently pregnant and she can go into kill mode in less than 2 seconds but at the same time I keep a supply of M&M's for when I get her mad. I never got the whole concept of who can be in the room during the delivery, whoever the mother says can be in there is who is in there period. No discussion necesarry. The security guards are a nice finishing touch though.

[FuzzyKitten99]

I had a shirt made (and I still have it) that says "WARNING: I do what the little voice in my belly tells me to". That could be interpereted in many different ways.


on a side note, you can get your hair colored while pregnant. The ingredients used now are way different than "way back when". Especially if you go to a salon that uses Aveda products. I did through my 2nd pregnancy (i didn't color my hair at all prior to that), and my son is perfectly healthy.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I was at a sister in law's wedding, and my job, and that of my husband, my brother in law, and his future wife was to stand guard at the doors and make sure the groom's insane psycho loon ex wife didnt' show up.

She didn't. I was a little disappointed. :lol:

[sportsmom]

I was at a sister in law's wedding, and my job, and that of my husband, my brother in law, and his future wife was to stand guard at the doors and make sure the groom's insane psycho loon ex wife didnt' show up.

She didn't. I was a little disappointed. :lol:

My youngest brother asked me if i wanted to do that at his second wedding. :lol: I was a little upset when they decided to elope instead, I've been wanted to kick that *)$&%* in the head for years.

[Jpurple]

Ok, confused mom here- whats a MILF? I thought I knew all the acronyms, but apparently not.

I think my mom headed off a crisis-in-the-making for me when my daughter was born- if she wan't going to be present for the birth, then there wasn't an opportunity for my MIL to whine and complain about not being included! :D

[lordlundar]

Ok, confused mom here- whats a MILF?

Mother I'd like (to) ****.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

It's vulgar slang for a "hot mom".

It means Mom I'd Like to F#ck.

[Rapscallion]

Ok, confused mom here- whats a MILF? I thought I knew all the acronyms, but apparently not.

Mother with whom I'd like to fornicate.

There are also GILFs (grannies).

Rapscallion

[Jpurple]

aha! Yeah, that works. What I was thinking of wasn't nearly as nice.

[FuzzyKitten99]

Ok, confused mom here- whats a MILF? I thought I knew all the acronyms, but apparently not.

go out and rent/buy "American Pie" (the 1999 version with Jason Biggs & Eugene Levy), which is where the term became mostly popular.

[Jester]

I was at a sister in law's wedding, and my job, and that of my husband, my brother in law, and his future wife was to stand guard at the doors and make sure the groom's insane psycho loon ex wife didnt' show up.

She didn't. I was a little disappointed. :lol:

I've mentioned my "lovely" domineering controlling obnoxious sister here before. Well.....

When I was engaged a few years ago, I designated my best friend Neets (a girl) as my "best man." (We couldn't come up with any better title. We tried. We failed.) As my "best man" Neets had all of three responsibilities for the day of the wedding.

1. Keep me sane.
2. Give a toast.
3. Keep Lovely Sister in check, and keep her from interfering with or taking over any part of the wedding. For this, Neets was authorized by me to go Super Bitch if she had to. I told her that, quite frankly, no one but Sister would be upset by this....including hubby of said sister.

This was the same sister that managed to alienate my fiancee almost immediately, and offend me more than anyone had ever offended me. Yeah, that sister.

(To her credit, since her split from her hubby earlier this year, she seems to be getting better, almost even civil towards me. We'll see.)

[NotSoInnocent]

After having three kids (and about to have number four) I am constantly amazed at my own capacity for violence during pregnancy.

There was the time someone tried to car-jack me... and ended up running home as if he'd pissed himself.

Then there was the time I walked to the hospital (through a bad neighborhood) while in labor and a crack-head tried to hold me up at knife-point... and ended up running off, convinced that some demonic being had possesed me and was about to kill him.

There are the "Belly Touchers", who swiftly realize that I am NOT a Buddah statue when their outstretched hand and smiles are greeted with my impression of a rabid dog.

There are the "OOOOH! You MUST be having a boy!" people, who are corrected when I explain to them that the way I'm carrying has NOTHING to do with the sex of the baby... it just means that I have a wide pelvis.

There are the "Breastfeeding/Bottlefeeding" idiots, who, when they begin their spiel, are convinced that I wish them dead.


Then this incident happened just this morning involving a friend of my neighbor (aka Stupid Bit#h)....

Me: *walking outside because I needed to get away from my heathen children for 30 seconds so I didn't start with the yelling*

SB: *looking at my belly* Oh WOW! You must be due any day now, huh?

Me: *wondering how that's any of her business* Not really... I'm not due until the end of next month.

SB: *eyes wide* Well then! You must have gained a LOT of weight!

Me: *beginning to become pissed* Actually, no. I've been told, by my doctor, that I haven't gained enough weight and that I need to start eating more.

SB: *walking towards me* You know... You really shouldn't gain too much weight. You're already so fat that it'll take you forever to lose the weight!

Me: :jawdrop: WHAT????? :pissed: :censored: off!! You don't have any room to talk, you fat :censored:! (note that she's about 5'2" and looks as if she weighs nearly 200 pounds) Come any closer and I WON'T be held responsible for any injuries you might get!

SB: :eek: Are you THREATENING me???

Me: :mad: Nope. I'm PROMISING you. *slam my way back into the house and burst into tears*

...
...

I heard my neighbor laying into the SB not a moment later. Then she came over and appologized to me for what that bit#h said.

Things not to do/say to pregnant women:

1) Attempt to threaten injury to the unborn child.
2) Call her fat (or insinuate that she is/may become fat)
3) Touch without permission
4) Lecture on ANY subject related to pregnancy/labor/delivery/child-rearing.
5) Make lewd comments

The list goes on and on and on and on....

Pregnant women are SCARY!:D

[FuzzyKitten99]

There was the time someone tried to car-jack me... and ended up running home as if he'd pissed himself.

Then there was the time I walked to the hospital (through a bad neighborhood) while in labor and a crack-head tried to hold me up at knife-point... and ended up running off, convinced that some demonic being had possesed me and was about to kill him.
Tell us what happened with these two! I love stories like this!

I had one woman comment on my swollen ankles (I had developed pre-e late in the 3rd tri of my first pregnancy). I was SO sick of people commenting on them, so I lost it and commented on her fat arse. I told her I was pregnant and had a medical reason for my fat ankles, and asked her what was her reason for her fat ass. She didn't answer me.

I think my favorite question was "Was your baby planned?". :wtf: kind of question is that??!! Does it really matter at this point? I was caught off guard the first time (yes, more than one person -mostly strangers- asked me this!) and truthfully said 'no' (we weren't trying, we just kind of figured if it happened, then so be it), but the second time I told them every baby is a planned baby by God. I am by no means religeous, but this answer seemed to satisfy most of the askers.

[NotSoInnocent]

Tell us what happened with these two! I love stories like this!


Ah.. The car-jacking one. Just barely pregnant with baby #2 and had gone to the store in my roomie's Mustang. (Beaut of a car, BTW) I picked up some milk and some other stuff and had just opened the car door to put the groceries in when I heard this from behind me:

Stupid Gang-banger Wanna-be: "Gimmie the keys, Be-atch."

Me: *turning around with a :wtf: look on my face* What did you just say to me?

SGW: *trying to look tough even though he has NO WEAPON AT ALL* I said gimmie the keys, be-atch.

Me: *had a bad day already, nauseous, tired, cranky and ready to pick a fight* :burnup: :pissed: FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT A BITCH..... I'M A STRIPPER!!!

Then about 5 minutes of me cussing him out and slowly stalking towards him with mayhem on my mind...

Followed by me in his face yelling "AND DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER TEACH NOT TO EVER PISS OFF A PREGNANT WOMAN????

He ran. Fast. And left behind a liquid puddle.

I returned home in a much better mood. :lol:



Then there was the "Held up while in labor" thing. *giggles* Yeah. I still find it funny as heck.

My roomie had a birthday... and everyone but me and her sister (call her "Liz") went out to celebrate. I'd been having contractions, but I was ok... until I realized that we didn't have a car. It's about 8pm and no one's answering their cell phones, so I turn to Liz and ask if she's feeling up to walking to the hospital. It's only a mile and a half. No biggie. It's early labor, so I'm not too worried about not making it to the hospital in time. We finish dinner (mmm... orange beef and broccolli with steamed rice) and start heading out.

Here's the picture. Liz= TINY woman. Just barely over 5 feet tall and is thin as a toothpick. TINY! ... ... Me= 6 foot tall and VERY pregnant ...

About three blocks away from our place is where the bad part of town starts. The hospital is a mile and a half away THROUGH the rough neighborhood... At NIGHT!

We get about halfway to the hospital (with me stopping every few minutes to either rest or wait out a contraction) when this scraggly looking crack-head (CH) steps in front of us with a large knife... THAT HE PUTS UP AGAINST MY BELLY!!!!

Liz is so not going to be able to take any body on at all. She's not a fighter. Me? I'm huge... and in LABOR. Liz puts her hands up and steps back in a "don't hurt me" sort of way. I give the guy about two seconds to make his case before going ape-s#it on him.

CH: Gimmie all yer money, ya' bit#h!

Me: *blink* *blink* *thinking "Oh no he did NOT just do this to me!"* *deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath* WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU! DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU NOT TO PISS OFF A WOMAN IN LABOR?

CH: *blink* *blink*:eek:

Me: *mouth on automatic, body immobile, hands clenched in fury, spittle collecting, face turning dark red* DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ANY MONEY, YOU :censored:?? I'M ON THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL AND YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO TRY TO MUG ME?????

CH: *blink* *blink* Uhhhhh........ *knife lowering out of sheer terror*

Me: *reaching out menacingly* YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES, YOU :censored:! YOU EITHER DROP THE KNIFE AND RUN AND HOPE THAT I CAN'T CATCH YOU... *voice drops into demon possession mode complete with evil glowing eyes* OR I CAN TAKE IT FROM YOU!

CH: *drops the knife and takes off running.... FAST*

Me: *entirely normal, as if just going on a stroll* Well.... That was a little wierd. :shrug: *ignoring the knife on the ground and continuing on towards the hospital*

Liz: :jawdrop::eek::rolleyes: Remind me not to piss you off until after the baby's born......

We made it to the hospital with plenty of time to spare (baby wasn't born for another 4.5 hours) and Liz stayed in the room with me the whole time. It was pretty cool.

Moral of this story? NEVER piss off a woman in labor... The demons might get you.:devil:

[Shabo]

but the second time I told them every baby is a planned baby by God. I am by no means religeous, but this answer seemed to satisfy most of the askers.

Either that or it freaks them out and they walk away really fast! :wave::lol:

[blas]

I saw a little onesie piece for a baby at the local Spencer's that said "All Daddy wanted was a blowjob"

So wrong, but so funny.....I couldn't help but laugh. I really hope nobody bought any of those.

[FuzzyKitten99]

Ah.. The car-jacking one. <MR SNIPPY WAS HERE ~R

:roll::roll::roll::roll: :yourock:

[NotSoInnocent]

:roll::roll::roll::roll: :yourock:

*bows* Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. :D