Am I being unfair? Please help!

[WHShit]

Ok, as many of you know, I am in a relationship with ASSMAN (Jamie). I have been living with him for 10 months now, and mostly everything is wonderful. He treats me better than any man I have ever been with and heis selfless...most of the time. Of curse, sometmes we do things that dissapoint the other.......

I had a bad day at work yesterday and had to be sent home for crying hystericly. I overheard a co-worker say something mean about me, and because of my past I am very sensitive to things of that nature and I lost all control. I was shaking and could hardly breathe I was so upset. So, I remained upset most of last night and still feel like a piece of shit now.

Also yeaterday, Jamie made plans with our friend Qurar, to meet in Ealing (about an hour away) for a druken, fun night! I was excited about going out, as we NEVER go out at night, especially on weekend nights! And, Qurar is aways asking us to go out, and one of the 3 of us always cancels.

So, I am at home today and Jamie is at work and he sends me a text saying that his boss has arranged a meal for all the managers and him. His boss is leaving the company and so Jamie say's he HAS to go. He says that this means he can't go out tomorrow with Qurar and I and he say's sorry. I got mad about this because:

a: Qurar is always asking us to go out and we cancel
b: I was so upset and could have done with going out.
c: he already HAD plans! Now, since he is not going, I can't go as I don't drive and I can't take a tube and won't take a tube by myself at 1am!
d. When I ask him to go out to dinner we never go, when I ask him to go to a club, we never go. Even when I say I will pay to take him out to eat, he is too tired or something. When his boss asks him, he goes. He is not even friends with the guy!
e: I got divorced finally 3 weeks ago and he had promised me that when I got divorced, he would take me out to celebrate. We have not been out to celebrate yet, as he keeps saying he "will arrange somethng" Even when I ask him when we are going to celebrate, he says "sorry, but I have to arrange something" I know that he is genuinely sorry, but I don't know why he puts it off/

So, I call him and say that I don't think he should have cancelled plans with a good friend and me to go out with his boss who is leaving and he hardly knows that well. I think that that is saying he would rather show his face as to suck up at work than say "sorry, I already have plans". He could have even told his boss that he could meet up another time or at least asked me before he commited himself to going! He says that it is his bosses leaving party so he HAS to go and he wants to go as his boss is a "cool guy". I explain to him that I was looking forward to going out and that now I have to sit home alone til god-knows-when while he is out with coworkers having fun! It is not fair! I sound like a baby, I know...but read on:p

See, this has happened before. He cancelled plans we had made to go to dinner and a movie to take his staff out to dinner for the end-of-quarter. He said that the company said he HAD to do it. He said it was just dinner and he would be home by 11. At 12 I called him as I had not heard form him at all and he did not answer or call back. I called about 3 more times in the next hour and a half and at 1:30, he answerd and said he was at a club with his assistant manager!!!:eek: I was so pissed off! He could have at least told me he was going to be late and was going to a club! I was worried sick and he was drinking and dancing and having fun! He could not understand why I was angry!!!! He got home at 3:30am. As I said, he is NOT like this, but he WAS that particular night. And I do not want a repeat of it. I just worry about him, you always hear stories of people getting stabbed or robbed..so......

Also, since I have moved in 10 months ago, I have been asking to go to my favorite metal music club, The Electric Ballroom. We have yet to go. There is always some reason. He said we could go this month, and last month blah blah ..he got a £1000.00 bonus this month so he can't say we don't have the money! Yet, when boss asks him to go out, he jumps!

As it stands now, he feels guilty, but still HAS to go. He called Qurar and said we could go out on Sunday, but I do not want to go an hour away on Sunday and get drunk then travel back an hour or longer home, get home late and go to work the next day. If we went Saturday, we are all off on Sunday, so it is ok. If we go Sunday, he has to drive, so he can't drink, and if he doesn't drink then I don't want to and I wouldn't get too drunk anyway as I have to work Monday. So, I told him I would go, but it would be no fun at all.

Am I being a bitch? Tell me straight. I undestand that his boss is leaving and if we had no prior plabs I would be fine with it. I may be a bit envious, but I would be ok with it. He says he understands but that this has only happened twiec in 10 months. My answer to that is, "yes, but the 2 times it happened were when we were suppossed to go out and you cancelled".

Also, he goes to meetings for work out of town and he always gets to have free bar and food all night. An all-expenses-paid type of thing. He calls me, drunk and having fun with his workmates (which is fine), while I am at home by myself watchuing tv. See, I have no friends, and so he gets to have fun more than me. I think he should realize this, especially when I point it out to him an maybe go out with me more to let me have a good time once in a while. It is hard to have fun while you are at home watching tv by yourself. . All we ever do is sit at home and watch tv or play games. If we do go out it is on a daytrip or to the corner bar with his friends.

Please tell me what you think. I mean, aside from this he is amazing and treats me wonderfully! I am very happy with him, just not a the moment! Be truthful!

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Okay, so what ARE you getting out of this? Here we have a pattern that you are not happy with. So what ARE you happy with? Why do you want to continue a relationship with this man?

This guy does this and you don't want him to. He does it enough that we can safely say this is how he is. You don't like this, so why not find a man who doesnt' do this?

It it fair that you should feel this way? Well, no, not after putting up with it for 10 months.

If you order pizza, don't complain when you don't get ice cream, if you follow me. Is he acting unreasonably? I don't know. Certainly, he's acting as if he doesn't consider your feelings. I know I wouldn't put up with it, but that's me. I wouldn't have a man I knew was one way and then be pissed because he wasn't another way. So yeah, at this point, I think you are being unreasonable to think his behavior will change. He does it, you put up with it. Why should he?

That's what I think based on what you wrote. Just my opinion.

I'm more concerned about going out and getting drunk, then driving home. Please tell me that is not what is going on. I have an extremely dim view of drunk drivers.

[BunnyJas]

I understand why you are upset, but to quote Dr. Phil- "You teach people how to treat you." This guy has been doing this to you over a span of ten months. It's obvious that he is not putting your wants and needs ahead of his own because he knows he can get away with it. You can either have one of those moment of truth talks with him or just get out of the relationship altogether. Personally, I'd get out since most of the time in situations like this, behavior patterns don't change.

[Barefootgirl]

Why can't you crash with Qurar? If you like her (him?), and you are happy enough to go out and get wrecked, why not just go out together, and then you can have the fun of sending Jamie drunk texts from the two of you, saying "ha ha we are having a great time and you are stuck having dinner with your BOSS !".

Feeling sorry for yourself is all very well, but there comes a point where you have to take control for your own life. If you want to go out and have a fun night with your friend, don't let your boyfriend's behaviour control that. If you don't go, you'll sit at home and feel resentful towards him for spoiling your night out, so GO !

I also agree with BunnyJas about teaching people how to treat you. Jamie treats you this way, either consciously or unconsciously, because he knows you'll put up with it. I did exactly this with my husband - put up with his bad behaviour, but seethed inwardly, which led to a vicious circle of me pulling away form him because i resented his bad behaviour but never openly called him on it, and him behaving worse and worse, because he knew I'd let him get away with it. It is NOT a pretty situation, and we came close to divorce (after 13 years of being together, nine years of marriage and one kid) earlier this year. Don't fall into the same trap. If he behaves in a way you hate, CALL HIM ON IT. Set consequences and carry them out. Don't rely solely on him for your socialising - you're young, you're pretty, you're independent, you do NOT have to live like that.

[WHShit]

I'm more concerned about going out and getting drunk, then driving home. Please tell me that is not what is going on. I have an extremely dim view of drunk drivers.
No! My god...if we went Saturday, his friend was going to pick us up...if we go Sunday then his friend can't pick us up, therefor he has to drive and we can's drink. LOL...I am against driving drunk. I had an old friend die because of it. I won't even have a shot and then drive...neither will Jamie.

Also, he is nice, as I said, these are only 2 things he has done. He always is very considerate, and always wants me to be smiley (haha). He tells me how wonderful I am every single day and more than once a day (seriously). He buys me things that he remembers I had said I wanted. He pays for things even when I don't want him to.

It is just that I feel really bad that he didn't seem to particularly happy about the divorce and he has let me down because of his job. He really isn't like that...just when it comes to his work. I guess that I get jelaous that he has a good job and I have a shit one. And that he has co workers that like him, unlike mine.

Thank you soo much for replying!:)

I understand why you are upset, but to quote Dr. Phil- "You teach people how to treat you." This guy has been doing this to you over a span of ten months. It's obvious that he is not putting your wants and needs ahead of his own because he knows he can get away with it. You can either have one of those moment of truth talks with him or just get out of the relationship altogether. Personally, I'd get out since most of the time in situations like this, behavior patterns don't change.

I do not want to leave him! As I said, it doesn't happen all the time, and the 2 times it did happen it was cause of his job. But, as I replied to the other person....he is wonderful 99.9 percent of the time. Really, I am so happy with him, just not that he has a job that is demanding.

And I hate Dr. Phil...lol

thanks for replying!

Believe me Barefoot, I would not be with him if he was selfish and nasty. I just got divorced because my ex-husband was that way. He lost interest in me unless he anted...you know...:o

Jamie is not always selfish. He is the most selfless person I have ever known (except for me). This is just 2 times and they both have to do with work, so I thought that maybe I was just being selfish myself and not understanding that his job was important. I mean, it IS only one day...just so happens it is a day that we had plans.

We are a happy couple all the time, and have never had a FIGHT but I guess, in every relationship you have problems, be it big ones or small ones. I can't believe people have suggested that I leave him. I sure do not want to do that. This is only a small problem, and be sure if it escalated to something that he was doing all the time, I would leave. I am tired of being with men who do not care about me, but he does and I can say that I KNOW he loves me more than anything else. That is big for me as I have never been able to say that with anyone, with my ow self esteem..even my ex-husband!

I think if anything, I am too nice. I care about people waaay too much. If someone at work is sad, for example, I will buy them a present to cheer them up. If Jamie feels bad or is sick, I take care of him. If a friend in America has problems, I send them a card and a gift. If I hear someone that I know say that they want something, I will usually go out nd get it. If I am out shopping and see something someone would like, I will get it for them. I always want people to be happy, cause I have spent my life being sad. I found happiness with Jamie, and it is strange to me. I am used to being sad all the time, and he makes it go away, but sometimes it comes back. I think that, alot of the time, I am so used to being sad, I make too big a deal about things and then end up feeling sorry for myself.

Hmm....all this "self help" speak coming out of me. Lol

Thanks for replying!

[Kiwi]

In every relationship there will be parts of a personality that do not mesh. However he shouldnt be cancelling plans and he knows it. Thats why he feels guilty. Is he a bit of a push over? Are you being a push over? It is rude to cancel plans at all, girlfriend/friend or not.

Im confused as to how business meetings crop up at the last second without him knowing... doesnt he have a calender for end of quater dinners?

Its very easy for us to give you advice, harder to actually put it into action.

I guess J you have to weigh up the good with the bad, could you just go out with your friends without him? if he sees that your not going to sit around waiting then it might get his ass in gear. Dont be a pushover, if he has to go out to a bosses leaving party, go with him, then he has a reason to leave early and take YOU out.

Have you talked to him about this, calmy without arguing or getting upset? (hard I know I bawl all the time when it comes to things that mean alot to me) leave him with no doubt about how you feel, maybe dont bring up the past but say something like "if you make plans with me, they are concrete, nothing short of hospital should break those plans"

I know its hard when your in a forigen country (haha I actually do) and I had to pull kyle up by the bootstraps a few times when I first got here, one day I had finished at work early and I rang him to come get me and he had JUST ordered his lunch with a group of his buddies 30 seconds ago and refused to leave to come get me. I didnt have a car, I couldnt drive yet, I didnt even have money for the bus so I was stranded for 1 1/2 hours while he had a great time.

He wont be doing that again. believe me:pissed:

maybe you need to gently remind him that you arnt in your home country, your still relatively new here and you need him to support you and not let you down.

good luck, remember to stay calm :) your not being a bitch, what your asking is resonable.

maybe its just a one or two off occurance.... if so then it might just be a pain in the butt. like you said, hes usually very selfless. he may not even have realised how upsetting it is.

[WHShit]

Trust Kiwi to get it right!

Yeah, we had a long talk yesterday and he started to cry (OMG).....I explained that I am still in a different country and if I was in America, I wouldn't care if he went out, cause I could get in my car and go out too. Thing is, I DON'T care if he goes out. There have been plenty of times he has been asked to go to the pub for a drink with his friends and he has invited me every single time. Sometimes I go, sometimes I stay home cause I am tired or do not feel like drinking. It is cool. This time was different because I was wanting to go out and let my hair down after the shit day I had had and the fact that he cancelled to go out with MANAGERS from his job got to me cause I could just picture all of them in suits talking "corporate speak". You get the picture? Ugh...I get angry at his job alot cause I hate that whole world of corporate people and the time wasting things they do and how they speak and dress and how they have no connection to the real workers, and he has to be like this sometimes. He always stays true though...like when he goes to meetings and they do "roleplays"...."shudder" he HAS to do them, but he hates it so much. I guess I am a tad bit jealous, and I told him that. I made him feel really bad and then I felt bad, but I told him as long a, if he goes out and is going to be late, he calls me to let me know, I am fine and dandy with it. And NO MORE cancelling plans!

We are going out tomorrow for dinner by ourselves...so that will be nice.

I really do love him so much and can see myself with him forever. He is a great guy, he really is, but as you said, he doesn't realize that I get so upset. When he does, he gets upset cause I am upset. I have never had someone care about me like that. So, everything is fine now.

Thanks for replying!
Also....are you in London..what happened there? :confused:

[Kiwi]

lol no I went to live in Kyles home town :o thats the closest thing I could find to a sheepish smiley.

We can afford to buy a house here and he wants to be close to his family (something Im not worried about).It was a choice between risk losing him or give up my dream of going to london. sigh, I wish I could have had both.

I choose him because like you said about assman, I've never met a guy who treated me so well. He has really made an effort to help me fit in here, his parents are very nice and supportive and yeah its not London and yeah Im not working in an art gallery.

But for the first time in my life Im happy and relaxed and its already starting to feel like home. You can't have everything in life and Im happy with my choice.

However I told him that I would be going to europe to backpack for 2 years when Im 25 and he could come with me or not. He is happy with that compromise because we will both be more financially sound.

sigh... maybe I should have fallen in love with an englishman instead :eek:

[WHShit]

lol no I went to live in Kyles home town :o thats the closest thing I could find to a sheepish smiley.

We can afford to buy a house here and he wants to be close to his family (something Im not worried about).It was a choice between risk losing him or give up my dream of going to london. sigh, I wish I could have had both.

I choose him because like you said about assman, I've never met a guy who treated me so well. He has really made an effort to help me fit in here, his parents are very nice and supportive and yeah its not London and yeah Im not working in an art gallery.

But for the first time in my life Im happy and relaxed and its already starting to feel like home. You can't have everything in life and Im happy with my choice.

However I told him that I would be going to europe to backpack for 2 years when Im 25 and he could come with me or not. He is happy with that compromise because we will both be more financially sound.

sigh... maybe I should have fallen in love with an englishman instead :eek:

So where are you living now? Still in NZ? Remember, if you ever want to visit, or you are ever over here for fun, let me know! Seriously, if you ever wanted to come to London and stay for a week or two, you could have the spare room in the house if you want it. I never have any of my friends from America visit me....always too lazy! But, yeah...and Jamie is into art as well, so we could go to all the galleries and museums! I would love to show you the Ttae Modern...it is sooo funny!

See..I am so nice...lol!

I am glad that you are happy! See, there are good men in this world, just sometimes they become like the others and need to be put in their place! :lol:

[da_goof]

well sounds like to me he is being a Man. If he does this then why are you still there ? why don't you go out and find some friends to be with then u can do something. Also if i am reading this right all you were concerened about is going out and getting drunk or drinking. Some time you have to be with the bosses to get any where. and maybe he just wants you around to to house stuff with if u know what i mean. If he does not want to be sean with you out in public then get rid of him. or as the saying goes put up or shut up.

[Plaidman]

Coming from someone who has like, less relationships then a newborn hairy obese orange fishman, You can take this with a grain of salt.

Assman treats you like a queen. Not in your words, but in all likely hood, he would make Queen jealous, right?

So he made plans with you and his friend. But then his boss told him to do something. Even if it wasn't really work related, it was something he was told to do by the man who signs his check. What does he do with said check? treat you like queen. No man is prefect. If they wre, I'd have a girlfriend.

But he did it twice. He needs to do his job, even if he makes and ass out of himself by having fun and you staying at home. He is assman after all right?

Two things spring to mind.
ONE: Can't you go along with him to this dinner party?
Two: If his job makes him happy, and he likes doing it, let him at it every now and then by doing the offical things. Because the rest of time, he is your bitch XD. (J/k)

[Kiwi]

So where are you living now? Still in NZ? Remember, if you ever want to visit, or you are ever over here for fun, let me know! Seriously, if you ever wanted to come to London and stay for a week or two, you could have the spare room in the house if you want it. I never have any of my friends from America visit me....always too lazy! But, yeah...and Jamie is into art as well, so we could go to all the galleries and museums! I would love to show you the Ttae Modern...it is sooo funny!

See..I am so nice...lol!

I am glad that you are happy! See, there are good men in this world, just sometimes they become like the others and need to be put in their place! :lol:

Im living in B.C Canada... :eek: of all places, in a small "city" (yeah right) of 80,000 which I must say im adapting to very well..... very easy not to miss shopping when you dont have any money (getting there, setting ups always so expensive).

Oh J dont say I can come and visit, kyle is looking daggers at the screen right now! I want to come to London so badly, I will totally take you up on that offer when I get there! We have to go scouting sucky customers together! Hang going to see the Tate, I want to work there!! Well the Tate British (all of the old art works), I dreamed about that through half of my art lectures!

Feb 2008 is when I start my travelling, so Ill let you know before then hehehe. Now Im going to stop threadjacking your topic! I still have you on my yahoo so come talk to me once in a while :)

Yay I get to meet assman!! The same goes if you ever want to see B.C we have mucho spaco here for visitors!

[Titi]

I don't think that either you or he was being unfair.

To me it seems this incident was the straw that broke the camel's back. You had a bad day at work (so bad that you got sent home early) and were grasping on the fact that you were going to go out that night and have fun with your BF and another friend. (because that was already planned.) so when he cancelled, all you could probably say at the time (probably through clenched teeth) was okay, even though you weren't.

I have a feeling that if it had been the friend who had to cancel, you would have gone off about how everytime you guys make plans with him he always cancels at the last minute.

I've been there before and gone off on both my husband/or my friend, whomever cancelled after I was waiting to just go out and get the day out of my head for a while and have a good time. when you have had a bad day at work (or with the kids) and you have plans to go out (and are stressed out) and someone (doesn't matter who it is.) changes the plan, you will be pissed off at whomever changed the plan (be it husband, bf, friend, job, etc.)