Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Crosshair]

This list has survived several forum hacks and reloads. Several of us members (As much as I would like to take all the credit, I can't.) have made it our personal mission to protect the list and ensure that it survives for future readers.(It has kinda become the Phoenix of this site. Rising from the ashes of the old to signal the birth of the new.:angel: ) Sadly, not all entries from past forums where saved and everyone is welcome to make new additions to the list or repost items that where lost. Now enough talk, here is what you all came here for. I had to spread the list across several posts because I am limited to 10,000 characters per post.

"Things I am not allowed to do at work"

Mr. Rude

1: Not allowed to size up a nice sturdy beam to hang self from.
2: Impolite to offer boss rope first.
3: Making a bullwhip out of extra RJ45 cables is a no-no.
4: Using it on a child in the store is frowned upon.
5: When asked if we sell printer ink, the answer is not "Mayyybe" followed by shifty glances.
6: We also do not sell printer paper by the sheet.
7: Do not respond to the owners requests by clicking heels together & saying "Yes, My Colonel"
8: Giving the finger to customers behind their backs, though somewhat fulfilling, is not polite. And not to be done.
9: Ditto for doing it to their face.
10: Not allowed to put bits of metal in an empty monitor case, carry past owner, fake dropping & look surprised when it makes "weird" sounds.
11: Same for one with a monitor inside.
12: When asked for an easy method to "clear" a hardrive, telling customers to get a 2 lb ballpeen hammer & swing away is not the correct answer..
13. Upon seeing a customer carrying in an archaic printer, not allowed to fake a seizure to get out of the ensuing "tech" question period to follow.
14: or feign not being able to speak english...
15 When a bunch of customers show up at the same time, eenie, meeny, miney, moe is not the right way to pick who I'm going to help first.
16: Same for asking them to draw straws.
17: When a customer calls about the same technical issue...4 days straight...telling them to "flick their power switch off & on really fast about 20 times" isn't a prescribed repair method.
18: I am not the "Funk king of the galaxy".
19: Doing "victory jigs" & yelling "OWNED" after big sales makes cutomers mad.
20: Don't make forts out of computer cases.
21: Do not laugh at other peoples computers when the bring them in...No matter how old they are.
22: Serial & parallel ports are not the "spawn of satan".
23: I cannot invoke "Jihad" in the name of USB or Firewire.
24: Stop crushing customers heads when they walk away..... *crush*....*crush*
25: When told to do something by owner, the correct response is not "why?"or "first I must consult the oracle".
26: Stop referring to myself in the 3rd person.
27: The store is not a "laggy" server.
28 : & I am not console & can't "boot" people from it.
29: Stop swearing in foreign languages...That includes Klingon.
30: Stop making up new languages.
31: Underwear is not optional.
32: Fashioning above from cardboard, duct tape or aluminum foil is frowned upon.
33: Photoshop is not a toy.
34: Subscribing the owner to online pornsites is bad...
35: Same for changing his home page to same site....
36: Or having the magazine for same delivered to the store smile.gif
37: Get down from there....
38: After ringing up sale for customer I cannot fine them for being slow.
39: Or add a %18 tip.
40: Even if they don't notice until 4 hours later....
41: I don't have a pack of "crap flinging monkeys" in the back to summon at my will.
42: When faced with a "busted" computer, the analysis "Hmm, sounds like porn to me" is not to be uttered.
43: Or "Sounds like an id10t issue to me".
44: Ditto for "Must be a pibkac issue" (pibkac = problem is between keyboard and chair)
45: Same with "That's a btfom error" (btfom= beats the f**k outta me)
46: Turning a monitor to face a wall will not "keep the devil out".
47: Stop putting ancient 64 meg ram sticks in demo computers.
48: Stop asking customers to RTFM & reboot.
49: After opening customers case...Don't scratch head, then sloooowly reach for a hammer while they're watching.
50: Stop inventing number systems.
51: "Stop drop & roll" is not a retail sales method.
52: Neither is "light & get away".
53: Smoke, blue sparks & a whiff of ozone are not supposed to come from newly installed power supplies.
54: When same happens while customer is watching, don't turn around with still smoking tower, smile & say "There, it's all done now".
55: When a customer ask for a "cheap" laptop, don't show them an etch-a-sketch.......Or a calculator.
56: The last thing the boss wants to hear from the back is a Nelson laugh....."Haw-haw"
57: It's called a virus scan, not "layin' the smackdown on that code shizzle".
58: After opening a customers computer up, do not call over a tech to "Have a good laugh".
59: After being asked about upgrade options on same computer, do not produce a hamster wheel or an etch-a-sketch. smile.gif
60: While adding/replacing a component in a computer, don't snap an old CD case in side to simulate breaking the motherboard, then quietly say "oops".
61: Don't offer customer a blindfold or last cigarette after putting computer on bench for repairs.
62: I am not dutch, so stop walking around talking like "Goldmember" from Austin Powers......DUTCHHATER!!
63: When a customer asks for a deal, the response isn't "Sure, 2 for twice the price".
64: Same goes for raising the price after they ask.
65: When a number system is in use for customers waiting...Don't arbitrarilly call any number I feel like calling. ( I.E. number on display is 43....call # 862 )
66: Or letters.....
67: Shuffle my feet on a carpet, then walk around the tech area demanding a ransom for I am "The Archduke of Static".
68: I am a male & do not experience "that time of the month", so get back out on the floor.
69: Not allowed to edit posts on online forums while at work.
70: Installing Windows 95 on a customers computer, while funny, isn't store policy.
71: Stop teasing people with Intel chipsets.
72: Don't refer to dial-up as "morse code".
73: It's called a "release date" not "doomsday for the 32 bit OS" (Vista wink.gif )
74: Don't release crickets in owners office.
75: Especially one at a time, over a period of weeks.
76: Same for adjusting desk height 1/4 of an inch daily for 3 weeks.
77: Post no bills.............Nuff said.
78: Stop having military recuitment pamphlets sent to co-workers I don't like.
79: Or any other "cult" propaganda.
80: Stop telling seniors that wireless routers will transmit all your personal info city wide.
81: The lunchroom fridge is meant for lunches, not a case of beer, liqour or any wines.
82: Ditto for a whole turkey.
83: Spongebath in lunchroom sink?....Bad.
84: Close the door while using bathroom.
85: I'm not a lumberjack & I'm not ok...So stop singing that stupid song.
86: Stop doing "Monty Pythonish" skits during work hours.
87: IDE cables are not clothing, headbands or underwear.
88: If I giggle about something for more than 15 seconds, I'm not allowed to do it.
89: ...Or say what I was thinking either.
90: It's called "company policy" not "The lesser of two evils", so shutup & do it.
91: When told to be clean shaven for work, that means "facial area"......Nowhere else. biggrin.gif
92: Trying to E-bay store product for a better percentage annoys the owner. Stop doing that.
93: Same for hawking it at a pawn shop...
94: Unless he gets a better margin...
95: I am not the "Generalissimo of Rudesylvania".
96: ....Even if I have business cards that say so.
97: Tricks are not for kids
98: When faced with a stupid / plain old fashioned customer with dumbassed questions, I cannot roll around on the ground like I'm on fire. (I.E. Those Duo core processors use up the batteries twice as fast huh?)
99: Even if the owner agrees with me...
100: Want your paycheck? Take off that stupid hat.
101: Do not photoshop pic of owners wife naked with same hat.
102: when asked a rather DUMB question......please don't make snorting & guffawing sounds. Unless everyone gets to hear it from now on.

[Crosshair]

i_see_dumb_people

57. Not allowed to flirt with hot chicks while on the clock
58. I am not Charlton Heston, pallet jacks are not chariots, therefore I am not to race others around the stockroom using flattened carboard boxes as shields and 2x4's as swords and polearms.
59. breaking styrofoam chunks over someone's head is horseplay, and is grounds for termination.
60. working through your break is grounds for termination.
61. working overtime is grounds for termination.
62. telling new teammates false grounds for termination is grounds for termination.
63. making fun of the grounds for termination is grounds for termination.
64. upon finding a coworker has 7 kids, an appropriate response is not "GOOD GOD! What are you, Catholic or Mormon?"
65. nicknames should never be derogatory, therefore my suggestion for renaming Chris :Snitchy McNarcyouout" is inappropriate
66. even though it's freaking TRUE!
67. when asked by a customer where the crackers are, inappropriate for me to respond, "Well, I'm white..."
68. breaks are 15 minutes, not 25
69.not allowed to hit the page button anymore and jabber about jack shit for 3 minutes just so I don't have to listen to muzak.
70. not allowed to switch labels from cans of dog food with labels from cans of Spaghetti-Os
71. "Plop plop, fizz fizz! Oh what a relief it is!" does not apply to the seagulls in the parking lot.
72. Scanning the chessy combovers on elderly SCs to try and get a price on cantankerous old geezer isn't funny.
73. telling somebody to "go play in the trash compactor" when I'm ticked because I'm behind schedule and they're not helping me and they won't shut the hell up and leave me alone isn't appropriate.
74. not allowed to beat down shoplifters with an aluminum baseball bat
75. or a wooden one.
76. not allowed to ogle coworkers' hot sisters when they visit
77. I am not the store's "official creepy toy goon".
78. even though I should be.
79. not allowed to follow the cleaning guy around saying "you missed a spot" until he wants to crush my skull like a ping pong ball under a freight locomotive
80. not allowed to tell snotty little kids that they're adopted and no one likes them.
81. management does not "suck", at least not when they're within earshot.
82. corn is not "ribbed for her pleasure"
83. when a manager pisses me off, not allowed to respond "OH YEAH!? WELL I'LL SEE TO IT THAT YOU'RE AMONGST THE FIRST AGAINST THE WALL WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES!"
84. not allowed to tell people "I will smurf you right in the smurf!" when they won't shut up.
85. no nations will burn because of my stubbed toe
86. the pasta is enriched with semolina, NOT salmonella
87. no longer allowed to refer to a customer as "Giganto, the erection preventer"
88. when asked by management why I'm being paid (I was looking for something on the floor), the correct answer is not "Because you love me?"
89. when asked by a customer if I've found religion, appropriate answer is not "Yes, and I found it dull and annoying"
90. not allowed to sing "Longview" by Green Day
91. not allowed to run up to coworkers, punch them in the head and yell "OWN3D!" and run away
92. shouldn't page new teammates to parts of the store that don't exist.
93. not allowed to equip fellow teammates with riot gear for Black Friday
94. can never ever again bring in a cattle prod to demonstrate to management my plan for crowd control on Black Friday
95. the open door policy is not there for to bring up ideas like 93 and 94.

Silvercat17

96. Not allowed to accept bribes from the salesmen to get their mockups done first
97. Not allowed to accept bribes from the salesmen to print their labels first.
98. Not allowed to bring in all my toys and hold mock battles to decide which mockups to do first.
99. Or, really, you know, at all.
100. Not allowed to create the labels in German.
101. Or Japanese.
102. Or Klingon
103. Or any of my personal languages.
104. Not allowed to mock the salesmen's bad handwriting, spelling, sales technique, or appearence.
105. Not allowed to lock and the doors and turn out the lights to take a nap.
106. Not even if I say "I'm burning plates!"
107. Not allowed to sleep on the couches in the break room.
108. Or build a pillow fort.
109. Not allowed to email labels to the wrong salesmen. "Eh, Ralph, John, it all sounds the same."
110. Not allowed to wear pajamas to work.
111. Not allowed to plaster the walls with pictures of my cats, cute guys, fun art, etc.
112. Not allowed to proclaim myself Queen of my Domain.
113. Not allowed to thwart the barbarions with a moat of coffee.
114. Not allowed to put truthful titles on the salesmen's business cards. Things like "smelly old jerk with no teeth"
115. Not allowed to destroy the printers for *daring* to disobey!

Drakstern

116. When asked why the prices are so high at the store, the proper response is not 'because Jesus hates you.'
117. Same for 'Because God hates you.'
118. And 'Buddha.'
119. Wilfred Brimley is not Big Brother and Quaker Oats containers are not for shrine building.
120. Making jokes about the SM's height is not allowed.
121. Spraying air freshener after customers leave, impolite.
122. Same with febreze.
123. Same with putting up car air fresheners.
124. Attempting to perform excorcisms on loud children is not acceptable.
125. The power of Christ does not compel you.
126. My title is Customer Service Representative, not 'Lord Tillmaster of Officestan.'
127. Singing Rammstein is not allowed.
128. Singing E Nomine is not allowed.
129. The store manager's BIL is not a slacker, no matter how much he is, in fact, a slacker.
130. Grocery carts are not for racing, and the import aisle is not a drag strip.
131. Not allowed to use cheesy game show announcer voice over PA.
132. Not allowed to use pig latin over PA.
133. Not allowed to make announcements from manager's office and 'accidentally' leave PA on.
134. Not allowed to roll for initiative when customer comes to desk.
135. Doing a handstand when someone says 'turn that frown upside down' is inappropriate.
136. Comparing customers to vegetables not allowed.
137. Same for fruits, cuts of meat, and plates.
138. Stocking and selling cigarettes does not make me a 'merchant of voluntary death.'
139. Nor are smokers 'signing up for voluntary population reduction.'
140. Not allowed to suggest idiocy removal surgery for management, coworkers, or customers.

Edit: Quick explanation, Wilfred Brimley is the guy on the front of the Quaker's Oats containers...

BeckySunshine

141. No playing frisbee with the pizza boards
142. No taking wood from the pallets to play SWAT Team
143. Can't tell customers soup is food's last chance to be eaten
144. Not allowed to wear an Irish flag as a cape on St. Patrick's Day
145. It's best not to challenge customers or coworkers to food fights
146. Not a good idea to challenge managers to snowball fights
147. Shouldn't try to "borrow" the police officers' handcuffs (we have cops as security)
148. Not allowed to have water balloon fights
149. It's not in the best interests of the store and it's customers to have races with the motor scooters
150. I am not the boss of the grocery back room, even though I have a phone card that says "Boss" on it
151. I really shouldn't climb into the cardboard baler
152. playing baseball with the big knives and honeydews is a bad idea (the grocery guys try this)
153. Wearing stickers that say "As Advertised", "Take Me Home, I'm Delicious", etc. isn't part of the image we want to show customers

[Crosshair]

Argabarga

154 - I shouldn't tell paitents who have Rx's for Potassium Chloride that they are getting "One-third of a lethal injection"
155 - I can't threaten to make home-made nitroglycerin
156 - My manager's baldness should not be the butt of any jokes
157 - Nor my other manager's spinelessness
158 - Nor my co-workers mania
159 - Even if they're funny jokes
160 - Especialy not if they're funny jokes
161 - Despite the name, the "Shrink" setting on the scanning gun doesn't do anything remotely related to size
162 - And I shouldn't threaten other employees with any of it's non-functions
163 - I'm not allowed to mock the reciever
164 - I'm not allowed to leave without punching out first
165 - I'm not allowed to give medical advice
166 - I'm not allowed to gloat that I can properly pronounce "Hydrochlorothiazide"
167 - Nor make fun of my co-workers inability to pronounce "Actonel" correctly
168 - I'm not allowed to hang up on the automated attendant
169 - But I can put live people on hold
170 - I'm not allowed to eat lunch in the pharmacy
171 - Nor store my food in a chemotherapy transport bag
172 - Putting fake pills in pharmacy bottles is not funny
173 - Putting candy in them isn't a good idea either
174 - I'm not allowed to run out of paper supplies, even if it's not my fault. (See rule # 163)
175 - "Greet Em' Treat Em' Street Em' " is not our corporate philosophy
176 - I'm not allowed to impersonate HAL
177 - Or Yosemite Sam
178 - I shouldn't ask customers if they're "Here for your methadone samples?"
179 - I can't offer anyone discounts for things I've "dropped on the floor"
180 - 1 orange pill doesn't do the same thing as 1/2 each of the red and yellow pills
181 - "One per rectum" is a valid prescription sig
182 - So is "nasal sneezing" (as opposed to what other kind? Rectal? )
183 - I can't accept forged scripts
184 - Nor scripts the doctor didn't sign
185 - "Dr. Feelgood" is not a valid prescriber
186 - Yes, I took lunch
187 - I can't pawn any of my problems off on HR
188 - I shouldn't promise things I can't deliver
189 - No Viagra joke is ever funny
190 - The second time
191 - I shouldn't order things for people who won't pay for them
192 - I'm not allowed to reconstitute 150ml of suspention that costs $190 untill that $190 is in the till
193 - I'm not allowed to know any of those credit card numbers I know
194 - I don't qualify for hazzardous duty pay
195 -I'm not allowed to climb into the trash compactor
196 - I'm not allowed to stick my hands in the cardboard baler
197 - Lack of an extradition treaty won't keep another department from borrowing me if they're short on manpower during Christmas.
198 - I am not allowed to run out of salable product
199 - I am not to keep more than 30 days of anything on hand
200 - I cannot reffer to the prescription-strength laxitives as "colon blow"
201 - I'm not allowed to commit insurance fraud
202 - I'm not allowed to refuse to fill anything on "religious grounds"
203 - I'm not allowed to let customers see me picking dropped pills off the floor
204 - I cannot attempt a "no look pass" with the medicine bottles
205 - I'm not allowed to write down an incorrect NDC
206 - There is nobody working here with the first name of "Skop"

Misanthropical

207. Not allowed to tell customers to just pay their damn bill and stop annoying me with their crap.
208. Not allowed to tell customers their bills are so high because of the 1-900 sex numbers they call.
209. Not allowed to fall asleep when people are rambling on and on about how they can't pay their bill.
210. Not allowed to tell a child their parents are cowardly, low life, deadbeats who have to hide behind their child to avoid the bill collector.
211. Not allowed to tell a child to ask their parents for more original swear words, since the ones they have their children use on us are old and tired.
212. Not allowed to tell customers that I'm the goddess of bill collection and will smite them with my wrath.
213. Not allowed to tell customers their bills are so high because we hate them.

rdp78

216. Can't have food or drink in the register area but they didn't say anything about my apron.
217. Can't laugh at customers when they say something about this being one of those everything's a dollar store which it's not.
218. Can't put up a sign saying everything's a dollar just to trick customers.
219. Can't run over customers while racing bugges.
220. Can't race buggies.

SureShot

221. Can't slap customers with my glove and challenge them to a duel.
222. Same goes for co-workers.
223. Covering my ears and running through the store screeching like a banshee is not productive use of my time.
224. Neither is crouching on the shelves and throwing cat food samples.
225. My plastic-ninja-flinging gun is best left at home.
226. In my store, the laws of physics are best obeyed.
227. No, I may not wear a name tag that says, "My Name is SureShot and I'm Better Than You."
228. No, I may not stow away in the deilvery truck and hope it takes me on some sort of wacky adventure.

Drakstern

Pizza place:

229. Not allowed to try to mount pizza slicer to broom.
230. The proper way to answer the phone is not 'Domino's has a really good deal right now, you should call them.'
231. Not allowed to play Rob Zombie loudly when delivering to churches.
232. Our breadsticks are not made by starving asian children in sweatshops.

Wally-World:

233. Fake lash marks are not amusing.
234. Retail Slave is not an appropriate title for a name badge.
235. Loud children are not 'future sacrifices for Kali-Ma.'
236. Not allowed to direct people to Target when they ask where an item is.
237. The Icky Shuffle is never appropriate.

And my short lived mall job...

238. Not allowed to forget to come back from break for two hours because I was in the book store and lost track of time.(I'm such a book nerd. >.<)

BeckySunshine

239. I can't challenge coworkers to a wet t-shirt contest, even if I keep my work issued sweatshirt on
240. No playing catch with produce on the sales floor.
241. No meowing over the PA
242. No singing of Aerosmith's "Love In An Elevator" when two people of the opposite sex use the elevator

DGoddess

243. It's probably not a good idea to have a glass of wine to sample while checking in a wine order, even if it is a new brand we're carrying
244. Beer probably falls under that category as well
245. No playing frisbee w/the frozen pizzas
246. No using 2 ltr bottles and a frozen turkey on the back aisle as a bowling ball (we actually had a stock crew that did this ohmy.gif )
247. No turning on the water hose in the produce prep room to drown the AM b/c he's rambling out of his butt over something trivial
248. Same goes for taking a shower in the produce prep room w/the water hose
249. No throwing the POS printer out into the back alley outside the Receiving area to let the beer truck run over it, no matter how crappy the printer is or how much misery it is causing me
250. Sames goes for taking a ball bat to the POS printer and beating it, a la "Office Space"
251. No dueling with staplers or playing duct-tape the AM
252. No beating the customers who whine to the cashiers about not having their store card
253. No beating the customers for sending in trivial complaints to corporate
254. Actually, no beating the customers at any time for any reason
255. Taking the machete to work for protection from management threats would probably be viewed as an act of terrorism and possibly violate some double-secret policy banning concealed weapons in the store
256. Playing "Baler Toss" with the assistant manager probably won't win me any awards from corporate, even if he is a total two-faced prick
257. And there's probably a health law somehwere about filling a 55-gallon drum w/trash and wood scraps and lighting it ablaze in the Receiving area, even if the roof hatch is open when it's 10 degrees outside and -5 in the receiving area b/c the overhead heater fan won't come on

Misanthropical

258. No suggesting that if they put wine in the soda machine we could do our jobs better.
259. No going kung fu on my boss or supervisor's ass for putting their arm around me.
260. No telling suspious wives that I am really the other woman just pretending to be a bill collector.
261. No beating my co-worker who sits next to me for being a total idiot who thinks he is better than everyone else.
262. No telling the same co-worker that he should drop out of college because he is too stupid to read anything harder than "My Pet Goat".
263. No offering the male security guard a tampon simply because his head is almost all the way in my purse when he checks my bags when I come in the building.
264. No telling the same security guard that I'm not smuggling anything down my shirt, so stop staring down it.
265. No introducing myself by last name and making mafia jokes.

[Crosshair]

Crosshair

266. Not allowed to sleep on pallets in the warehouse during my lunch.
267. Even if I DO have an alarm clock so I won't be late back to work.
268. Not allowed to install kegerator in break room
269. Not allowed to discuss benefits of having a kegerator at work.
270. Not allowed to have a candy drawer at the paint counter.
271. Even if the Department manager has one. (I still have one that is hidden.)
272. Not allowed to use the display binoculars to check out women across the store.
273. Even if the Sporting Goods associate is doing it.
274. Not allowed to bring my 15x60x80 spotting scope to work and use it to check out women across the store.
275. Ditto for lending it to the Sporting Goods associate.
276. "Reducing shrinkage" is not a valid reason for using my spotting scope to check out women across the store.
277. Not allowed to exchange loading data with the fellow reloader who came in to buy a gun.
278. Not allowed to call a trash can and cart full of ice a "keg kit". Dispite the fact that is what they are going to use it for.
279. Not allowed to ask directions to the kegger.
280. Ditto for giving advice on how to properly cool a keg.
281. Not allowed to tell underage people what liquor stores have clerks that can be bribed.
282. Not allowed to tell underage people how to build a still and make moonshine.
283. Even if it is for a "science project."
284. Not allowed to assemble "bong kits" for the stoners who come in looking to "repair their sink".
285. Ditto for "beer bong" kits.
286. Even if we do sell alot of them.
287. Not allowed to tell Canadians how to sneak stuff across the border.

BeckySunshine

From my Goodwill days--
288. No climbing into the cages full of received goods, especially in front of people who just donated the items
289. No wearing the funny hats around the store
290. No making doo rags out of whatever is available
291. No taking the elastic belts from the 80s and turning them into makeshift nipple covers
292. No taking the forklift across the parking lot to try to lift up a car (I was not involved in this one, but I heard about it)
293. Can't refer to the manager and assistant manager as the ambiguously gay duo
294. Can't refer to the manager as Skippy or Lance (from N*Sync)
295. No making coworkers laugh when they're making announcements
296. Not allowed to ask for a nametag that says "Somebody/Someone" so I know when I'm supposed to be on register dry.gif

DGoddess

298. Here's another one for my list, which I"m sorely tempted to print a copy of and post at work over my desk in the back:
299. No throwing grapes at people on the sales floor (especially if your name is Greggie)

(This one was created just for my Wise vendor - he was throwing grapes at the produce girl the other day.)

And a few others:

300. No peeing in the mop sink
301. No singing on the PA
302. No dance tournaments are to be held on the sales floor
303. No pelting the stockers w/out of date product from their aisles that they failed to rotate over the last 3 years
304. No stuffing a manager into a box marked damaged and sending him to the reclaim center, even if he is off his rocker
305. No throwing managers into the dumpster, even if they are trash
306. No playing laser tag with the Texlon guns or Pocket PC's
307. No food fights in the Deli/Bakery department
308. No table dancing in the Deli/Bakery department
309. No wet t-shirt contests outside the store, or inside for that matter

Dreamstalker

--Exorcising an Intel box (even if it is a Dell) is not funny to some people.
--Nor is exorcising a Mac.
--I shall not sit surfing the web with the only visible network cable coming out of my ear.
--I'm not to set up "Network Russian Roulette" with a single crossover cable on the box of network cables (I know which is which, but can the dimmer bulbs in the class figure it out?).

Lace

Using your pen to stab annoying customers is not recommended.

Do not use customer's change to play Tiddlywinks.

If a customer asks if your till is open, don't reply, "No, I'm just sitting here cuz it's fun! Oh, so much fun to sit here and do sod all!"

As tempting as it is, don't blow up the small plastic bags and pop them behind customers.

Or the manager.

No yelling "Slaphead!" every time you spot a bald or balding customer.

Don't add the word "tubs" every time you speak to an overweight customer.

Touching the till screens just to see "those funny purple circles" is not recommended.

There is no need to test to see if a bouncing baby really does bounce.

Don't stick reduced stickers on collegue's backs.

Singing "Why are we waiting?" as you wait for your relief is never a good idea.

Especially if you try to get customers to sing along with you.

Making spitballs out of discarded till receipts and then flicking them at customers is never a good idea.

Please refrain from writing "I woz ere" on any part of your till/conveyor belt.

It may be boring in the times when there are no customers, but try not to fall asleep or feign sleep accross your tills.

Especially if you're lying along the belt with your head resting on the scales.

The till cleaner sprays are not toys and should not be used as weapons in a water fight.

Slapping the butts of good looking customers is not recommended.

When not using your pen, please don't stick it in your ear.

If you see a customer drop any produce on the floor, it is not a good idea to pick it up, spit on it, then wipe it on your shirt and hand it back to the customer.

The produce boxes may stack easily, but they are not meant to be used as Legos.

Do not, under any circumstances, build yourself a fort using produce boxes.

Especially if you do so during Saturday lunchtime.

Try to not bait customers by standing behind a till, waiting for them to unload their shopping, then walking away.

NightWolf

1.)Playing Lazer tag while on duty as a security officer, no matter how fun, is not appropriate in front of the guests.

2.)Asking the groom of a wedding what bet he lost, is never allowed.

3.)Playing ding dong ditch in the hotel is frowned upon.

4.)So is turning off all the water on one entire side.

5.)At 5 o'clock in the morning.

6.)Telling customers when they order their breakfast that the chef picks his nose is frowned on.

7.)Trying to sneak into the beer cooler to have a quick drink while on duty is not allowed.

8.)A guest telling you that its ok to sneak into the beer cooler is not an excuse.

9.)When yelling at kids for hanging off the 8th story balcony, go ahead and jump is not an appropriate response.

10.)Swimming nude in the pool while on duty is a no-no.

Katie Kaboom

1. Bang on the window when people start flocking to the store the last 20 minutes we're open and tell them to go the %*@%# away so i can go home at midnight!

2. Take away their credit card and tell them if they're too stupid to use the reader correctly they shouldn't have a damn credit card in the first place.

3. Drop kick them out the door on the end of my foot.

4. Lock up all the bigger shopping carts after 11pm (and believe me, i would do this one if i could)

5. Get on the mic at midnight and tell them to get the #$#$% out.

6. Deny the sale of cigarettes to obviously pregnant women.

Gaah

G01. Not allowed to make fun of southern customer's intelligence.
G02. Even if he (Engineer) can't understand a drawing my (very non-technical) wife can.
G03. Even if he can't understand a drawing my (5-year-old) son can.
G04. Not allowed to threaten to take a clue-by-four to mechanical designer at sister company.
G05. Even if his designs specify that a machine is to pivot through a concrete wall.
G06. Even if his design would cause $2 million damage to a customer's mill.
G07. Even if his designs violate the laws of physics.
G08. Not allowed to take extra breaks to flirt with the hot engineer.
G09. Even if my wife doesn't mind.
G10. Not allowed to print manuals 8 pages per sheet to save paper.
G11. Not allowed to insert every 13th page of a manual upside-down "to keep people on their toes."

Crosshair

(Happened to Co-Worker) When asked to close the roll up doors, but leave them open far enough so customers can get to the garden shop, use the average hight of a customer, not your own. (Co-Worker is 4'10" so they where LOW. laugh.gif )
(Our store is being remodeled) When asked by a Co-Worker, "I wonder what is behind that wall." The proper response is not, "Lets drive the Forklift through and find out."
Not allowed to question the immigration status of the Hispanic AM that everyone hates.
The AM everyone hates is NOT to be refered to as "The F*ck up Fairy" (I started that one, people love it cause it's true.)
The FUF did not get his management degree from a Cracker Jack box.
...or Mexico.
...or any other third world country.
Yes the FUF graduated high school.
The FUF is a US citizen, so stop it with the immigrant jokes.
Stop learning certain Serbo-Croatian words (from the Bosnian refugees that work at our store) and using them to describe the FUF. (Can you tell that we hate this guy. rolleyes.gif )
Not allowed to set the new ceiling fans in the garden center on "10" and walk away. (These are 15 foot, 10 blade fans that are powered by a 3 phase, 240 volt feed. blink.gif We usually set them no higher than 3 so they are POWERFULL. smile.gif )
The rubber band war between the paint counter and the sporting counter must stop.
...Even if we have never hit a customer.

[Crosshair]

DGoddess

No sex in the coolers or freezers

No jumping onto the railing around the landing at the driver door and yelling "I'm King of the World!"

Even if the company I work for may very well be the Titanic

No flying around in the backroom on a floor buffer while high on Benadryl pretending to be Superman

No putting shoplifters into stocks or pillories outside the store for stoning, even though it was commonplace centuries ago when the first settlers came to the US

No practicing Iranian law on a shoplifter (i.e, cutting off a hand.)

No roller skating is allowed on the aisles

No skateboarding is allowed on the aisles

No standing up in shopping carts as they are being pushed about in the store wielding a roll of salami, screaming "CHARGE!"

No cooking on the salesfloor with a grill by the beercase

No herding customers to your empty lane with a cattle prod, chanting "Mooooooooooo, Mooooooooooo"

Same goes for herding customers out of the store at closing time

No hanging the previous store manager in effigy inside the store as a warning to the next one who takes over

No yelling on the PA "Boston Butts on sale . . . come get your Butts" to increase sales in the market

I cannot require the customers to address me as "Your Royal Highness"

No tents allowed in the freezers

No igloos allowed in the freezers

No standing behind the freezer doors on the frozen aisle holding a Texlon as if pretending to be behind bulletproof glass

No adding to the weekly PA announcement tape "this message will self destruct in five seconds"

Irving Patrick Freleigh

310. Stop referring to members of management as "poster children for birth control"
311. Or "retarded pollocks"
312. I do not have narcolepsy
313. Or Tourette's
314. Do not kick and punch the vending machines when they eat my money
315. Telling management "oh be quiet and have a sense of humor!" usually has the opposite effect.
316. Going down the conveyor belt sitting on a flattened cardboard box will get me fired.
317. Going up the conveyor belt sitting on a flattened cardboard box will NOT get me promoted.
318. Picking my nose on the security camera is not as funny as I think it is.
319. No approved time-off requests for Black Friday or day after X-mas means just that.
320. Not allowed to threaten management with glass shavings in their food if they deny me my requested days off.
321. Stop referring to the training room as "the re-education compound"
322. Not allowed to follow uber-smoking-fan-Freaking-tastically hot chicks around the store under the guise of "I think she's going to try and steal something"
323. Apparently "A little childhood trauma never hurt nobody. Builds character!" is no consolation to the parents of a scared-shitless 5-year-old

HYHYBT

You are not allowed to place the "Thirsty for something new?" stickers on your crotch.

Crosshair

Not allowed to shrink-wrap the AMs truck.
Not allowed to have soda on the sales floor.
Having a paint can behind the counter with your soda on it still counts as having soda on the sales floor.
Dito for having it on the paint shaker.
Not allowed to sell candy out of my locker for cheaper than the vending machine. (I can buy it up front for $.30 w/discount, vending machine costs $.65, I sell mine for $50.)
Throwing knives are not to be brought to work.
Throwing pencils and trying to get them stuck in the ceiling tiles is frowned upon.
There is no clandestine war between Coke and Pepsi.
When customers ask why their cell phone reception is so poor in the store, do not say, "Because the building is a giant condom."
Do not use my personal Walkie Talkie to mess with customers who are using their Walkie Talkie to shop.
...even if I am on break.
Not allowed to padlock my cardboard cart to a pilar in the store so customers will stop dumping my cardboard on the ground and stealing my cart.

sunsetsky

* Two words...noodle fight.
* I can't participate in a food fight in the grocery section of the store.
* Nor can I instigate it.
* Management won't let me strangle the customers.
* Nor maim them.
* It's impolite to listen to my MP3 while a customer is trying to scream at me.
* *sighs* What do you mean the swimming pools aren't my size?!?!? They fit my little sister!
* No matter HOW much I want to...the sand boxes are not for me..."
* What? My boxcutter isn't a weapon?

Bella_Vixen

Not allowed to complain about one particular 3rd shifter not doing her work.

Not allowed to comment on the fact the one coworker will have had 3 weekends off in a row; when I was interviewing for my job, I was told that the only way you get weekends off consistantly is to have a second job on weekends, which he does not.

Not allowed to flirt with delivery guys and/or customers. (I don't flirt, they flirt with me, and my boss teases me about it.)

Jpurple

I'm still not allowed to beat the P.E teacher

even if I allow everyone else a free hit

I also can't refer to the boss as a 'senile old git'

BeckySunshine

Not allowed to threaten coworkers with "I KNOW where you work!!!!!!"

Can't say, "You're only picking on me because I'm white!" to my department's assistant manager (only applies if there are customers around)

Can't refer to any of my coworkers as my "unholy minions"

Can't refer to myself as anyone else's "unholy minion"

Saying "This isn't my department" won't get me out of working in the deli, even if I'm the only person scheduled to be working in my own department dry.gif

district_nothing

IM not allowed to tell customers they could get the same cable for a third of the price at wally world

Not allowed to look for a new job on the breakroom computer even if you are on break

Its not a good idea to tell your manager that your looking for a new job when he asks what your doing

You shouldnt tell your manager that he doesnt have "management skills".

Its not a good idea to lose the customer's originals and start making copies of copies

Its really not a good idea to avoid telling your manager that you lost the originals and continue making copies of copies

You probably shouldnt damage stuff just so that you can put it in the damanged and defective bin because you couldnt find where it went.

You shouldnt mention to your manager that its rediulous that it took you 30 min to convince him to come out of the office and help you with something.

You should yell fake "food orders" in the headset when you know a coworker is with a customer

Expecially if you work at an office supply store

You shouldnt ignore customers even if they are really annoying.

You shouldnt claim you have to go to the bathroom just to get another cashier to come to the returns desk and then get back on a register when you come out instead of going back to returns.

You shouldnt stick stuff back in lockup or put it in topstock just because there isnt a place for it. you should make a place.

You shouldnt throw stuff you cant find behind other stuff.

You shouldnt throw stuff you cant find in the floor.

You shouldnt throw stuff you cant find into random carts.

You shouldnt give into customers because your tired of hearing it. If its on clearnce for $1.50 and they want it for .75..dont do it because then they will do it EVERYTIME they come in.

However you probably shouldnt tell them this isnt a flea market when they ask for discounts. No matter how bad you want to.

Dont laugh at customers who ask for help because they bought a scanner at a yard sale and it doesnt have a cord.

Dont laugh at customers who ask for help because there dell laptop isnt working.

"WE dont sell dell" is not an excuse for you to avoid helping the above said customer.

Dont laugh at a customer who tries to get you to give them a 100$ laptop bag for $30 because the other one "looks like it" and its $30.

Even if its a different brand and a different size, you are still not aloud to laugh.

Your not aloud to tell your district manger that your store manager only comes out of the office when he's expecting him. i wish...

Rapscallion

I'm not allowed to say, "Drown, you bastards," when watering the office plants.

chryso

I am not allowed to take either my computer or anyone else's computer apart.
I am not allowed to wear shorts on casual day.
I am not allowed to head butt anyone, even softly as a joke.

Misanthropical

I and a bunch of other people were moved to different desks yesterday, because our supervisors are evil. Anyway, here's more to add.

~Not allowed to tell supervisors they are evil for moving me to another desk with a crappy computer.

~Not allowed to scream that the computer is possessed by Satan. Especially when the co-worker at the next desk is religious.

~Not allowed to pretend or to try to strangle myself with my phone cord.

~Not allowed to strangle the supervisors with it either.

~Not allowed to toss the computer out the non opening windows, calling it a day and going home.

~Not allowed to try to start a revolt.

~Not allowed to tell my passive aggressive supervisor that if she doesn't stay away from me I will eat her soul.

[Crosshair]

DGoddess

Hmmm . . .

I'm not allowed to tell the DM I think he's an idiot

Same goes for the Ratfink, even if he does have a brown rash taking over his body

I can't stick a carrot to my head with super glue and pretend to be the Last Unicorn

I can't call for the guys in the white coats to remove customers from the store who make false accusations and/or act bizarre

I can't make a sign in shoe polish reading "I assure you we're open"

I can't close the store during business hours to go shopping at the big red office supply store three doors down

I can't write out a blank check for any of the beer or wine delivery persons and make them out to them personally

I can't take the trash left in my area by other departments and dump them back into their departments b/c I'm tired of their laziness

I can't take the eggs out of the cartons in the dairy case and place them in a nest with a live hen sitting on top of them to sell fresh laid eggs

By that same token, I can't tie a cow to the milk section of the dairy case to sell fresh, self-serve milk

I also cannot bring in a few head of cattle to promote self-serve beef either

I can't pour cooking oil all over the aisles and create a skating rink

No impromptu rock concerts in the store while wearing mop heads as wigs and using broom handles as microphones

No building forts in the backroom using the empty pallets and/or milk crates

Drakstern

Not allowed to ask to go home early five minutes before I clock in for the day.

Not allowed to mute my phone and make faces at it.

Flipping off a phone is not helping the work environment.

Nor is learning sign language for two words that rhyme 'Muck too'.

Not allowed to talk incessantly about the smell of cordite.

Russian accents are a no no.

Work is not the best place to talk about the office building section of FEAR(first person shooter! Woo!)

Not allowed to ask if I can take my break 'When it's scheduled.'

Or to ask if I can go home at the time I'm scheduled to five minutes after clocking in.

Our new scheduling system does not run on second rate magic.

Jpurple

Not allowed to request a personal day to 'deal with' my computer

Scotch taping my mouth shut will not get me out of talking to people

DGoddess

No dancing on top of the Customer Service desk - clothed or not

No throwing limes in the Produce prep room (actually witnessed this today. My WiseGuy was being a wiseguy.) tongue.gif

No throwing oranges in the Produce prep room (this also happened today, believe it or not.)

No pelting unsalable canned goods into the dumpster if someone is in there, no matter how tempting it may be

No giving out lottery tickets for free

No taking the cats to work because I can't find a petsitter

No handing out matches to a disgruntled coworker who is tempted to set the store on fire and tell him/her "Have fun"

Jpurple

no encouraging students to pull the fire alarm!

Victim of Customer Service

Whipped cream cannisters are for garnishing drinks, not waging war on your co-workers.

When asked "Do you work here?" the proper response is not "No, I mean mugged an employee and stole her shit."

I am not permitted to stab rude people in the face.

I am not permitted to take the cafe apart just so I can clean under the counters.

I am not permitted to refer to a notoriously bad customer as "The wretched bitch".

The word "butt" is not acceptable when using the PA.

I am not allowed to bring a customer a cheap glass of wine because I don't like them.

Even though it's true, I am not allowed to tell my co-worker he's a complete git.

I cannot pet the cute gamer guys that come in to buy books.

I shouldn't inform a fellow co-worker that "they're real" in front of my boss (A friend of mine did this).

I cannot hang out in the back room all day.

Even if another manager gave me permission.

I am not allowed to make customers wash their hands before I wait on them.

I am not allowed to ask customers "Are you or just retarded???" when they can't find the information desk (middle of the store, in direct view of the entryway, and labeled with a HUGE red sign)

Nor am I allowed to refer to them as "Captain Oblivious".

When an angry SC yells "You can call God!" the proper response is to apologize for the trouble, it is not to inform him that I did, and he "asked me to tell you to stop calling him, as he has transferred care of you to Satan."

Telling the doctor they are a complete moron for prescribing not only the wrong dose, but the wrong medication all together, is inappropriate.

I can not shake the bottles of narcotics and guess how many is in each one, the state requires I count them all individually.

BeckySunshine

Not allowed to name names when telling new people about various rumors involving management.

Not allowed to find out the original ringleader of an incident involving a small group of guys, a car, and a guy no one likes.

Not allowed to say "Take me with you!!!!!!" to my department manager as he prepares to leave just as I'm getting ready to start my shift.

Not allowed to call one of the cops Sgt. Sodomy.

Not allowed to refer to V as a eunich, even if he doesn't know what it means, and as far as I know, it's most likely true.

Not allowed to complain about the masses of old folks on their shopping day.

Not allowed to shout "Release the hounds!!!!!!" when people come RUNNING into the store the second the doors are unlocked.

Not allowed to challenge coworkers to duels with the big knives. (Did I mention this one yet?)

As always, I'm sure there will be more to follow.


werewolffan98

Not allowed to refer to Hot Topic and Starbucks as Mordor and Isengard.

Not allowed to refer to Supervisor as Sauron.

Not allowed to refer to insuborbent employees as Gandalf.

Jules Of All Trades

Not allowed to have my 3 year old handle my conference call for me because I have better things to do.

Can't threaten to release confidential information just for kicks, or extort money for keeping my mouth shut.

Can't invite co-workers to my house for Happy Hour...at lunchtime.

No muting the phone during a conference call and mocking everyone on it.

Calling my boss "Chief" isn't as funny to him as it is to me.

Playing Gamecube with the kids while on the phone with customers is a bit distracting and should be avoided.

Telling customers they'll get their new laptop "when I damn well please" probably isn't appropriate.

Rapscallion

Not allowed to declare it 'Talk like a pirate day' when working on the phone in sales.

Jpurple

arranging a covert mission to take over the storage room is frowned upon

BeckySunshine

Not allowed to make water balloons for the kiddies.

Not allowed to make water balloons for the guys in grocery, either.

Not allowed to make myself stickers that say "Free to a good home" and place them on my work apron.

Meowing like a cat in heat is not professional.

"Burn the place and start over" is not a recommended option of cleaning the back room.

Cygnata

Calling the customer no one can stand, a word that rhymes with her last name and a word associated with green faces and warts will get management on my butt quickly.

(No offense to wiccans or pagans meant, but the word sounds FAR too simaler to her name)

I am also not allowed to spike the sodas of hyperactive children with sedatives. (Joking, never would)

Technical.Angel

The student from Hades.,.. ye gods. Her last name was eerily similar to Menace.

This is a girl that wasn't in her room for three work orders in a row. Showed up for one, then missed another 3.

Bella_Vixen

Not allowed to train monkeys to show customers how easy it is to work the pumps and/or to show coworkers how to do their jobs.

[Crosshair]

The Original "List". I found this original copy of Mr. Rude's list on a long forgoten .txt file on one of my hard drives.

1: If I giggle about something for more than 10 seconds, I can't say or do it.
2: Changing bosses homepage to a porn site is bad.
3: Suscribing him to same is worse.
4: Ditto for having the magazines delivered to the store.
5: Putting bits of metal & jingly things in an empty monitor box, walking by the boss tripping, dropping & looking very surprised at the the sounds that eminate from same....bad.
6: Same for an iMac G5 20" (retail @ $2000).
7: Offering to teach the bosses kids how to smoke.
8: Not allowed to "size up a nice strong beam" to hang self from.
9: Bad to be polite & offer boss rope first.
10: Upon seeing an old lady with a printer walk in the door (tech issues as always) not allowed to fake a seizure.
11: Or deafness, blindness, any other type of malady.
12: Do not answer the GM by saying " Yes my colonel" & clicking heels together.
13: ....or "your highness"
14: The inventory guy is not "pimp daddy"
15: Offering to erase a customers harddrive with a hammer is a no-no.
16: Telling customers it's ok to put ther kids pictures on the side of a computer with magnets.
17: When a customer asks for a deal, raising the price is not to be done.
18: Or handing them a competitors flyer.
19: Giving the finger behind a customers back is not an acceptable way to wave good-bye.
20: Same for mouthing bad words at the same time.
21: Forwarding all technical calls to sales manager is funny, but not to be done.
22: I do not have jedi powers.
23: I am not a shaman, witch doctor or a snake charmer.
24: Threatening to "invoke the rath of the gods" when refused a smoke break is a no-no too.
25: Yelling out "As was fortold in the prophesy" after making a sale is frowned upon.
26: I can't close the store when I feel like it.
27: Ditto for opening.
28: Doing a "victory jig" in conjunction with #25 isn't nice.
29: Making up my own dialogue to any movie playing with no volume.
30: Especially to the "Gilligans island 2nd season" dvd.
31: Stop referring to the internet as an "urban myth".
32: When asked if we sell printer ink, the answer is not, "maaaaaaybeee".....followed by shifty glances.
33: Printer paper is not sold by the sheet.
34: I cannot warranty the contents of my lunchbag.
35: Antivirus software does not "keep the devil out".
36: Nor does turning a monitor to face a wall...
37: Flicking the power switch off & on about 30 times is not a prescribed method of handling tech issues.
38: Neither is taking 2 aspirin & calling back in the morning.
39: It's not nice to keep pictures of co-workers children in your wallet to garner sympathy from customers.
40: .....& gloat about it later.
41: Extended warranties do not cover in-laws. Or pets.
42: I am not Nefertiti reincarnated.
43: Of course, referring to oneself in the 3rd person must stop. Now.
44: The dishwasher is meant for the STORE dishes. Not for items from home. This includes clothing.
45: Putting beer in the fridge to save a trip after work.
46: That includes coolers, wine or hard liquor too. Or a whole chicken.
47: I am not able to "exorcise" the demons out of a computer, cellphone or ipod.
48: Nelson laugh.
49: A bar of soap isn't a lethal weapon.
50: ......unless it's in a sock.
51: Wireless routers will not broadcast your personal info across the city....Stop telling that to the seniors.
52: Personal hygiene is not "optional".
53: DVD burners cannot open a wormhole. Stop telling children that.
54: Offer kids a buck to go kick a co-worker in the shins.
55: Especially during a BIG sale.
56: Crickets are nice in the country, not in a store.
57: Shuffling feet on a carpet & going through the tech area charging a ransom claiming to be the "Archduke of static".
58: Dropped harddrives can't be sold. Even if they make "cool sounds".
59: When ringing up sale & giving final price I cannot include the phrase "Plus tip of course".
60: .....even at a measly %10.
61: Threatening to "frag" supervisors with waterballoons is silly..
62: ... same goes for maple syrup ballons
63: "Duck & cover" is not a customer service method.
64: Neither is "light & get away".
65: Other peoples open e-mail accounts are not toys.
66: No spongebaths in the staffroom sink. Ever again.
67: I cannot "Claim this land for Spain" then eat all the lunches in the fridge.
68: No pants, no paycheck.
69: Stop crossing out names in the phonebook while reading the obits. It creeps out the new guys.
70: I am not Don Rickles love child.
71: Stop referring to corporate types as "agents of lucifer".
72: .....on conference calls.
73: We do not accept barter goods or pelts in trade.
74: Poor taste to hide in the back, watch the monitors & wait for someone to look at a high margin item, then run out & score the sale.
75: Call in "too well" to work today.
76: I cannot sell shares in the company.
77: The company "prez" & I are not "homies".
78: Virus protection is not referred to as "layin the smack down on that shizz".
79: Whistling the "Kill Bill" song on the sales floor is not "polite".
80: Neither is "Uncle F**ka" by Terrance & Philip from South park.
81: "When in doubt, whip it out" applies to skydiving, not retail.
82: "Stop, drop & roll" applies to neither.
83: When faced with a group of customers to help, "ennie, meenie, miny, moe" is not considered a professional method of chosing one.
84: As is making them draw straws.
85: Or guessing the number that I'm thinking of.
86: After making a big sale, saying "owned".
87: The shop is not a "laggy server".
88: Also, I am not the consol, so therefore, I can't "boot" people.
89: No pornographic emoticons.
90. Upgrade an etch-a-sketch? No can do.
91: Payroll lady is not the "Funk queen of the galaxy".
92: Neither am I.
93: Describing in detail sexual manoeveurs such as the "fishhook" or "the jelly doughnut" is offensive to some. Please refrain from doing this.
94: IR remotes will not sterilize me, therefore, aluminum foil underwear is "not part of dress code".
95: Stop putting items such as "Free flux capacitor" on system quotes.
96: Get that out of your nose.
97: Get that out of your ear.
98: Get down from there.
99: Stop handing out phone books to kids at halloween.
100: Cardboard is also not part of our "dress code".
101: I cannot invent new numbers.
102: When asked "out of 10 systems sold, how many will end up coming back for service during their lifetime" the answer is not "11".
103: Start high end systems in safe mode & leaving them on display.
104: "No" does not mean "maybe".
105: "Maybe" does not mean "yes".
106: Stop calling supervisors mom & dad.
107: Referring to your division boss as a "special ed dropout" is impolite.
108: Especially when talking to customers.
109: I do not have agoraphobia & should get out on the sales floor.
110: Don't make "cha-ching" sounds on the sales floor.
111: Just because I play Lineage 2, it does not make me superior to all WOW players.
112: I can't get a "speak & spell" to run XP, Mac OS 10.4 or Linux.
113: Gluing macaroni to a POS cellphone & painting it gold does not make it work better.
114: Security tags belong on product, not stuck to people you don't like.
115: Stop trying to sell display fixtures. This includes staff also.
116: Bad to give customers other staff extensions to call "whenever" they need technical help.
117: Also bad to say that same staff will do onsite work for free.
118: Stop faking, we all know you can speak english.
119: Inform customers that we do have a mess of Xbox 360's coming in at a discount, please call ( insert other sales ext. # ).
120: Switch the "N' & "M" keys on other peoples keyboards.
121: Turn the contrast on a monitor all the way down (or up) & wait for a brainiac to call the service guys in to fix it.
122: "Kick me" signs are childish.
123: Edit posts on online forums.
124: Especially ones that bash customers...
125: Fashion a bullwhip out of RJ45 cables.
126: Fashion a noose out of cat5 cable ( see # 8 & 9 ).
127: Not allowed to go home because I "Lathered, rinsed but couldn't remember if I repeated".
128: Put 64 megs of ram on a demo system.
129: Tell customer I have a loaner cell phone for them, then produce 2 tin cans on a string.
130: Stop wincing every time someone has a "Mac" question.
131: Captain Kirk speak equals bad.
132: Spoooocccckkkk!!!
133: Switching number keys on other peoples numeric section of keyboard.
134: No elves live inside of the computer towers.
135: No cursing in foreign languages. That includes klingon.
136: Hungover is not my natural state.
137: Power supplies are not supposed to crackle or make blue sparks.

[Mr. Rude]

Sweet!! :D

....Although, I did save the list this time... :lol:

Thanks again Crosshair :yourock:

[thegiraffe]

Mr. Rude, you must be one helluva employee.

Well...entertaining at the very least haha. I printed out an edited version of the list (that can apply to supermarkets) and brought it into work. I gave it to our resident troublemaker, and he said he's done or could see himself doing just about everything on that list. That made me proud :)

[werewolffan98]

242. No singing of Aerosmith's "Love In An Elevator" when two people of the opposite or same sex use the elevator {corrected for inclusiveness.} (:

[Broomjockey]

- Not allowed to make shadow puppets in the light from the movie projectors
- Not allowed to play with the focus
- Not allowed to stop the movie and try and rewind it because I wanna see that part again
-Not allowed to tell customers they should show up on time next time
-to tell people their taste in movies sucks.
-to have popcorn fights in concession
-to put ice cubes down the back of my co-workers
-to do "theatre checks" in one theatre for 45 minutes at a time
-to tell customers that don't know what movie they want to go to the back of the line
-to tell customers that stand in line for 10 min at concession and still don't know what they want that the menu in fact DOESN'T shift as you get closer to it
-to have epic duels using the brooms as swords/lightsabers
-to surf on the handcarts
-to skateboard on the removable wheels from the garbage cans
-to throw customers out for being smelly
-to take customer's coupons for that other place and throw them out as I explain the difference in the chains
-to call parents idiots for taking their 5 year old to violent or sexually explict films
-to tell people a movie sucks AFTER they bought their tickets
-However, I can tell them beforehand
-when customers complain about prices, I cannot tell them to go to Blockbuster instead
-cannot call people idiots for not checking the dates the times in the paper apply to
-cannot tell customers we didn't get a movie "Because we knew you wanted to see it"
-cannot turn off all the lights in a theatre while my co-workers are cleaning it
-cannot tell customers to leave because it's 12:30 or later at frick'en night
-I can however follow 5 steps behind until they leave
-I cannot blame change-stealing gnomes when my till is less than a dollar off, or evaporation if I'm $5 or more short.

[lordlundar]

Lethal weapons are not permitted to deal with unruly customers.

Neither is non-lethal

If it can be labelled a weapon, I can't bring it in.

[Cyanocobalamin]

-Shouting "Hoo Yah, Master Chief!" when given your list of assignments/projects for the day.

-Threatening to tie up a coworker with the new checkout rope if he misbehaves.

-Stomping on pallets to get the wood to break.

-Swiping a flatbed to put random, misc. stuff on it when someone else obviously needs it more than you.

-Talking about explosives or caustic chemicals when customers are nearby.

-Jamming me in the pancreas with the shopping cart.

[Becks]

I am no longer allowed to put price tags from the hot foods department on my night supervisor's butt, and let him walk around the store (in front of ownership, management, and customers).

Not allowed to laugh my ass off when he's telling me not to do that, and describing how a male customer offered to pull the sticker off. (But my department manager laughed, too!!!!!!!!!!!)

Not allowed to give coworkers permission to use the sink in the produce back room as a makeshift shower when it's hot outside.

[cougar_guy04]

- Not allowed to make shadow puppets in the light from the movie projectors
..........
-I cannot blame change-stealing gnomes when my till is less than a dollar off, or evaporation if I'm $5 or more short.
Wow, I am guilty of about 90% of those :devil:

To add some:
-Not allowed to have an impromptu hockey game with brooms, buckets, and wadded up paperwork.
-Not allowed to surf on the hand carts
-Not allowed to take the phone off the hook during the rush.
-Not allowed to bring laptop in to surf the net during the slow days
-Even if the SM does it.
-When people complain about the price of admission, not allowed to suggest that they go home and watch TV.
-Same goes for reminding them that most other theaters charge $8 or more for admission.
-Not allowed to point out stupidity of corporate policies in front of RM.
-Not allowed to suggest Jim Beam tap be installed instead of Diet Coke
-Do not suggest installing remote trip wires to take care of running children.
-Leave the baseball bat in the trunk.
-And the tire iron.
-We cannot spoil boxes of candy because the crew is hungry.
-Having a pizza delivered while the RM is there . . . bad idea (although he could be bribed with the offer of sharing).
-Same goes for subs.
-Do not tweak the water fountain so that people get a face full.
-Not allowed to play baseball with empty (snuck in) pop bottles while cleaning.
-Definitely not allowed to point out stupidity of management.

I may remember some more "no-no's" later.

[ArenaBoy]

Mine are parking lot related:

-Stop making lightsaber noises with the traffic flashlights.
-Don't sing the Oompa Loompa song when your boss is around
-Do not hides cones in bushes to confuse coworkers you do not like
-Stop cutting people off on the radio even if we do hate the person talking
-Don't drive the trucks like you're in New York City
-Do not get girls phone numbers when directing traffic, even if she is interested in you
-Do not act like an astronaut when wearing the snowsuits
-Do not play drums on the barrels with your hands or any object you find
-Quit making up religions when working religious conferences
-Swearing at customers in Japanese has got to stop
-Same goes with coworkers
-Quit sending people the wrong way on purpose no matter how bored you are
-Don't take food from your mom even if she works at the arena also and she gives your supervisor food
-Do not say that the team I work for sucks and suggest other sports to follow
-Stop making up tour names for the concert that is taking place
-No, you cannot bring your sword to slash a customer's tire even if they deserve it
-Leave your pocketknife at home too
-Stop impersonating coworker's voices no matter how funny it is
-Quit singing Bob Dylan's Maggie's Farm when working
-Same goes for Beck's Soul Suckin Jerk
-Don't throw snowballs at a customer's car or supervisor
-Stop using the cones as a way to amplify your voice
-Do not pass around the Department of Labor phone number
-Quit wearing a different name tag for each event
-Do not tell customers where the scalpers hang out
-Quit telling customers to learn how to read no matter how dumb they are
-Do not criticize the customer's car
-No dancing to the music playing from the outdoor theaters
-I can't hit on my coworker even though there are 5 others doing the same thing and more
-Stop playing soccer with any random object
-Same goes for frisbee
-Do not intimidate the customers by picking up a light barrel and holding it over your head to prove a point
-Stop making cracks about the executives
-Quit confusing my boss with words I know and he doesn't
-Don't tell customers that we charge for parking because we're entertained by their reactions
-Quit singing songs that annoy the crap out of our coworkers
-Quit speaking to customers in riddles
-Do not make jokes about our equipment managers
-Don't say there is a BS in boss to my boss
-Quit hiding my long hair in a hat
-Stop saying the customer's taste in music sucks
-Making anagrams of my coworkers names and putting it on the shift board is not allowed
-Do not laugh at customers who don't know that general and regular have the same meaning
-Trash duty is not Puke Time
-Suggesting that one of the female supervisors wants the guys to be eunuch is not allowed or true
-Even if most of my department agrees with me
-Suggesting to go shirtless is not allowed no matter how hot it is
-Pointing out cosmetic surgery on customers is not funny
-Even if my coworker is doing the same
-Telling new people that they signed a death wish is not funny
-Ditto for selling their soul
-Suggesting that we burn one of the old trucks is not allowed
-Same goes with destroying it with a sledgehammer
-Wearing female name tags is not funny
-I am not allowed to tell the customers to show up early so I can go home early
-Do not point out the customer's bad taste in clothes
-Wearing my favorite soccer team's hat is not allowed
-Singing I want to Break Free needs to stop
-Saying that there is a porno going on in a customer's car over the radio needs to stop
-Stop doing sudoku puzzles when you're working
-Water fights are not allowed
-Making up your own cultures is not a good idea
-Lifting a stack of 25 cones and waving them around is grounds for termination
-Having an obstacle course set up for the cars is not allowed and will get me suspended
-Stop playing horseshoes with the cones
-Giving the peace sign to customers shouldn't be done
-Even though the show is a hippie festival and they've been flashing it at me
-Taking pictures of other departments slacking off will get us in trouble
-Even if we're going to show them to the boss to tell him to lighten when there's a group of 2 and they have a group of 50
-Using soccer defensive tactics to stop customers from cutting through the chains is not allowed.
-Even if some supervisors like the idea.
-The limos do not carry "pre-drunks"
-The restaurant bus did not learn how to drive from NYC cab drivers.
-Suggesting to a supervisor to get his own radio station is not a good idea.
-Even if he hogs the radio waves and the whole department agrees.
-It is not a good idea to give common sense lessons to customers that forget their cash.
-Calling one of the supervisors a "frat idiot" is not allowed.
-Even if he is one and tries to give others his work.
-The supervisor's son is not a slacker or a weakling.
-Even though he does slack and whines about how much cones he has to pick up.
-Playing football in the parking lot is not allowed.
-Despite the fact that the manager in charge BROUGHT a football.
-I am not the Parking version of the "Soup Nazi"
-Adressing the ex-Navy supervisor as Admiral? Bad idea
-Playing soccer with a kickball you found inside the building is not a great idea
-Stop looking up words in the dictionary to confuse customers with
-The new employees do not get initiated
-Corporate is not run by drunk monkeys
-Even if their policies look like they are run by them
-Leaving love notes for the FCC over the radio isn't funny
-Our department head is not a gossiper
-My supervisor is not the definition of a weasel. Even if he is one
-The old truck is not to be junked
-Even if it has caught fire twice and somehow survived
-Writing out a crowd type book for certain events is not funny
-The rain gear pants are not martial arts pants

[Jester]

Things I am not allowed to do at the bars or restaurants I have worked at:

1. Full length hooded black capes are NOT part of the uniform.
2. Neither are swords.
3. Or pellet guns.
4. Or water guns, fun though they may be.
5. I shouldn't tell the guests that I am "in tight" with Jim, Jack, and Jose.
6. Or laugh at the customers who don't get that joke.
7. Or laugh at large customers when they order a 7 course meal...and a Diet Coke.
8. I shouldn't laugh at my boss behind his back.
9. Or to his face.
10. I probably should not ask my boss's boss "how's it hanging?"
11. Or tell him his girlfriend/wife is a hottie.
12. There is no illness that requires me to take "medicinal" shots of liquor at while I am working.
13. This is not David Letterman. Cut it out with the "Stupid Tray Tricks."
14. I should not break down laughing when I open my paycheck in front of customers.
15. Or in tears.
16. People who don't want another round are not "pansies." Or "cowards."
17. I should not take out an ad in "Soldier of Fortune" for a mercenary to take out my boss. No matter how much I feel he/she deserves it.
18. Easter Sunday is not a good day to wait tables in roller blades.
19. Or while wearing my bicycle helmet.
20. Sliding a mug of beer all the way down the bar to a waiting patron? Not recommended.
21. I should not tell customers about the dead body my manager found that morning....before I tell them about that day's meat specials.
22. It is probably a bad idea to make fun of the tourists....where they can hear me.
23. I will not don a HazMat suit to serve that one customer his "extra extra extra extra spicy" wings.
24. Today's special is NOT "free tequila for the kids!"
25. I should not ask an unruly child if he has any younger brothers or sisters, and when he answers yes, ask "You ever wonder WHY?"
26. I should not tell parents of unruly children that our city has a leash law.
27. I should not get scantily clad women to dance on the bar.
28. At breakfast.
29. Our company motto is NOT "Come in, sit down, order, shut up, eat, pay, tip, get out!"
30. Playing Ultimate Frisbee with cocktail trays in the dining room is frowned upon.
31. Even more so with plates.
32. Juggling bottles is not a good idea.
33. Especially when I am not standing on any mats or carpet.
34. Strip poker really needs to wait until after hours.
35. I am not allowed to throw the change in the face of the cheap people who leave JUST coin change for a tip. On a large bill. No matter how much I am justified.
36. While I AM allowed to put a curse on annoying and/or cheap people and their families for ten generations, I am NOT allowed to do so OUT LOUD WHERE THEY CAN HEAR ME.
37. I really shouldn't tell trainees, "This is how management WANTS us to do something...but this is how we REALLY do it."
38. Breakdancing during the dinner rush in the middle of the dining room? Not endorsed.
39. I am not permitted to offer guests "joost a waifer theen meent...."
40. Making smiley faces on their dessert is vaguely funny. On their steak it's not.
41. We do NOT serve fermunda cheese!
42. "Live long and prosper" is not the company endorsed way to say goodbye to our patrons!
43. Neither is "May the force be with you," "Go forth and multiply," or "Sig Heil!" Especially not that last one.
44. While I am allowed to wear a costume on Halloween, wearing only roller skates and going as a "pull toy" is NOT an appropriate costume!
45. We do not refer to the liquor as "tasty toxins."
46. A sundae without nuts is not a "female sundae."
47. "Splitting the check" does NOT mean ripping the bill in two and giving each party half!
48. I cannot snicker uncontrallably when a woman aks for "extra pickles."
49. Ditto for cucumbers.
50. And nuts.
51. A Grey Goose and Red Bull is NOT a "Farmyard Special!"
52. There is never an appropriate time to play "chicken."
53. He is the cook or the chef. He is not "The Culinary Mack Daddy!"
54. I will not tell applicants to "Run while you still can!"
55. When guests ask me to suggest something good, I cannot direct them to our competitor.
56. Or draw them a map.
57. Sitting down on the job is frowned upon. Sitting down on the guests is strictly forbidden.
58. I should not tell guests that we "discontinued" our bathroom.
59. I will not tell guests who ask for change to "try listening to more jazz."
60. I will not ask a large woman drinking a Dutch beer if she is "ready for another Heiny."
61. Same with a stoner and "more Bud."
62. Marilyn Manson is NOT appropriate breakfast rush music.
63. When I'ma delivering pasta to-a the table, I willa notta put onna cheezy fake Italiano accent.
64. Lobby. Polka. No. Bad Jester. BAD Jester!
65. I will not introduce myself to a table as Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, or Richard Ramirez. Even if that actually IS my name.
66. I cannot use a "blowgun" made from a straw and toothpicks on those who annoy me.
67. I definitely cannot use a real blowgun. Pity.
68. There are many acceptable responses to "Are you open?" "To what?" is not one of them.
69. I probably should not mock people who order light beer by referring to it as "water with beer-flavor added." The truth notwithstanding.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Thanks for saving the original list . . . I just thought of a couple more to add:

No playing hockey on the rooftop during business hours

No closing the store to go to a funeral home, either.

I'm surprised these two hadn't already made it to the list.

:D

[Becks]

Mad props and warm fuzzies to DGoddess for the Clerks references!!!!! :worship: :super: :yourock: :worship:

[lordlundar]

54. I will not tell applicants to "Run while you still can!"

guilty:devil:

[Jester]

70. I probably should not, upon leaving work within view of customers, pump my fists in the air triumphantly and shout "FREEDOM!"

I probably shouldn't....but I quite often DO! :devil:

[Dips]

-When a customer at the deli counter declares she will "kill [her]self" because we ran out of something, I am not allowed to offer the use of our trash compacter as a suicide device.

-Nor may I offer to push the button for her after she climbs in.

-If I am dealing with two angry phone customers I am not allowed to patch them both into a three way call and listen while they abuse each other:

"I called you!"

"No, I called you. Moron!"

"Jerk!"

-Even if the boss finds the idea just as funny as I do.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

-When a customer at the deli counter declares she will "kill [her]self" because we ran out of something, I am not allowed to offer the use of our trash compacter as a suicide device.

LMAO . . .I need no ideas.

Let me add this little ditty . . .

No playing Superman with the floor machine while high on Benadryl (I actually witnessed this being done by a store manager of all people.):eek:

[repsac]

1.) If asked by an applicant if it matters that they are charged with something, but not convicted; I am not allowed to laugh.
2.) -I am not allowed to tell everyone about it either.
3.) While the applicant is still at the computer.
4.) Free samples are for the customers.
5.) If I have to ask for something with the words "Uh, could I talk with you a second?" I'm not getting it.
6.) Saran wrap on the toilets is not funny.
7.) Nor is a stink bomb just under the rim.
8.) When called on the in house phone, do not ask the customer to hold on while I flush.
9.) Do not randomly lock the unisex bathroom.
10.) With myself inside.
11.) Telling a customer that herbicide only kills the bad plants because it is smart, is wrong.
12.) So is convincing them to buy a bottle of it to spray over their new seed to prevent weeds from coming up.
13.) Electric fork lifts are not called "Star Wars."
14.) It is not okay to stage the Trench scene from Star Wars in the back ailse. I don't care how cool it is.
15.) If it does not fit in the fridge, do not force it.
16.) Do not tell others what color your hair is, and then prove it. (not talking head).
17.) Making out in the parkinglot is a no no.
18.) Screaming like you're being killed when working outside the compactor and you hear it cycle, is not funny and will get you terminated.
19.) Do not put coke cans in the microwave.
20.) Same goes for light bulbs. I don't care how neat it looks.
21.) Do not put microwave pop corn in the microwave and then wander off.
22.) If I smell smoke, the proper thing to do is not scream. "Man the life boats!"
23.) Fire is bad.
24.) Laughing when management forgets to close the paint door on the shaker, will have me mopping it up.
25.) Do not refer to customer color choices as "Puke Green."
26.) "Bloody Tampon Red."
27.) "Heroin Addict White."
28.) Do not grind up the plaster board and try to convince new guys it's coke.
29.) No asking for a cup of thinner in a styrafoam cup.
30.) When asked where receiving is, I am not allowed to take it myself.
31.) Returns should not be met with a laugh after the customer explains the problem.
32.) A ball peen hammer never solves anything.
33.) Customer service has NOT been outsourced to India.
34.) Don't look at me that way.
35.) If you can't ask for it with a straight face, you don't need it.
36.) Do not puke in the parkinglot when sick. Call in first.
37.) Do not drop frogs through the cash office slot. Just to hear the girl inside scream.
38.) I don't care how funny it is. Don't do it.
39.) If you have to ask for clarification, you weren't paying attention.
40.) You can not get workers comp for a paper cut.
41.) Nor emotional trauma.

[Dips]

Things I was not allowed to do in the research lab:

1. No answering the phone, "Epstein-Barr and grill. How may I help you?"

2. While on the street moving between buildings, no flapping my lab coat like wings and cackling evilly when the tourist trolleys go by.

3. Even if it will make really good picture for their slide shows.

4. LB amp plates are fine. LB amp cockroach plates are not.

5. Even if the cockroach was dead when found and the autoclave sterilized it; this in no way justifies freaking out the boss.

6. Labelling a bottle "not necessarily distilled water" to give a co-worker pause about stealing my distilled water is a violation of OSHA regulations.

7. As well as the Boston Fire code.

8. So is putting a biohazard warning sticker on it.

9. Speaking of OSHA, pointing out to the hospital safety rep. that following his directions to move the bottle of acid from the floor to a shelf will give it more potential energy is not appreciated.

10. Dry ice is not a toy.

11. Nor is liquid nitrogen.

12. Even if it creates a really cool-looking fog effect.

13. Fire VERY bad.

[SuperDan]

1) Always be sure to check that the ash trays are cool before dumping them into the garbage can.

2) When demonstrating your ability to think of cross-merchandise display items to your grocery manager, don't suggest building a display including peanut butter, Reddi-Wip, and condoms.

3) Don't use the fact that you make the bathroom smell so bad nobody will want to enter it as an excuse to take a nap in there.

4) Failure to bring my famous cobbler to the store picnic will result in termination, carried out personally by the DM or the president of the company, both who have become addicted.

5) Must not laugh and tell all co-workers when the diabetic DM informs me that his wife was in a panic when he tested his sugar after eating my cobbler.

6) Must not refer to the president of the company as "the Dark Lord Wilki-mort"

7) Must not flirt with the chip vendors

8) Especially when the chip vendor in question is the girlfriend of one of the beer vendors.

9) Must not shrink-wrap and window chalk a co-worker's vehicle.

10) Must not eat a stick of butter

11) Even for $10

12) Especially when the person offering the $10 is probably not going to give it to you.

13) The samples are for customers

14) Even if you bring a good chunk of money to that department buying their products every week

15) Even though they made a point of saying in our customer service classes that employees are customers too, and in fact our best customers, and are still customers even when on the clock and should always be treated as such

16) Not allowed to make fun of the free donuts recorded announcement over the PA (part of our anniversary celebration)

17) Even if the "mmmmm.... enjoy!" does sound a little... um... questionable in intent

18) The pallet jacks are not scooters

19) Not allowed to put water bottles in the lift part of the scisor lift and drop it to make a water cannon

20) Probably a bad idea to make the new guy catch full cases of butter dropped from the third rack

[Crosshair]

OK, I just spent a week in Williston, North Dakota helping them setup their new store. I didn't have internet access for a whole week.:runaway: Anyway, here are some of mine I got from there.

When reading the "Rule board" and seeing that cursing is not allowed, the proper response is not, "Aw f*ck."

Not allowed to use company computers to surf the internet, even if I am on break.

Must not build stuff with the "All Purpose" Flour.

"Zone defence" does not involve hiding behind shelves and shooting co-workers with a Nerf gun.

When asked, after looking at the backroom of the old store, "What do you want to do first", the proper responce is not, "Call OSHA"

Ditto for "Call the Fire Marshall."

Do not replace the electricians colored markers with crayons.

Even if the electrician thinks it's funny.

Not allowed, near the end of a long day, to drive a pallet jack around the store while banging a peghook against the handle and scream, "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD."

Co-workers not allowed to be "collected".

Not allowed to act out that scene with a co-worker. (I don't wana ride on the cart.)

When unloading the truck and the front of the trailer becomes visible, do not run through the backroom screaming, "Repend ye sinners, the end is near." (That happened at the end of a 12.5 hour day.)

Not allowed to nap in the server room during break. (It's nice and toasty in there.)

Do not put bubble wrap in the bailer.

Even if it, "Makes a cool sound."


I'll have to remember more of them later. I had a great time there.

[Becks]

Not allowed, near the end of a long day, to drive a pallet jack around the store while banging a peghook against the handle and scream, "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD."

Co-workers not allowed to be "collected".

Not allowed to act out that scene with a co-worker. (I don't wana ride on the cart.)

When unloading the truck and the front of the trailer becomes visible, do not run through the backroom screaming, "Repend ye sinners, the end is near." (That happened at the end of a 12.5 hour day.)

When I read these, I giggled until I cried.

[Becks]

A post I made for another topic reminded me of this one...

I cannot wander around my place of employment holding up a cup and saying "Alms for the poor" to my coworkers.

[Apocalypse Cookie]

In general:

1) God forbid the words "You might be a redneck if" or "Here's your sign" ever leave my mouth while on the clock.

2) No matter how much the recipient deserves it.

As a giftwrapper:

1) I may not hoard customers' items in the back room and pretend I am a fire-breathing dragon from the days of yore.

2) Pretending to be a robot is also out of the question.

3) Covering myself with wrapping paper and claiming to be practicing to go out as a present next Halloween is a bad idea.

4) It's also a waste of good wrapping paper.

5) When I have to wrap a panini press (or other deceptively heavy object), I should not exaggerate the effort of lifting the box, nor ask if the guys put bricks in the box as a joke again.

6) When the guy who looks like an out-of-uniform Santa Claus comes, I am not allowed to ask him if I can have a boyfriend for Christmas.

As a bakery worker/bagger:

1) While answering a request that would break the store rules with "No, sir/ma'am," or "I'm afraid I can't do that, sir/ma'am," is acceptable, continuing with a conspiratorial whisper of anything along the lines of "Big Brother is watching," followed by a nod at the security cameras, probably isn't.

2) A question regarding the location of a product is not to be answered with "In here, somewhere."

3) A customer's purchases are not to be referred to as 'junk' or 'garbage'.

4) Even if they are.

5) When asked if bread can be sliced in a thickness other than the two choices available/if the bread slicers can have the slice width adjusted, "That's what knives were invented for" is not an appropriate reply.

6) If a customer comments that he/she/it has no idea where all his/her/its food is going every week (or so), I am not, under any circumstances, to tell them to look in a mirror and turn sideways.

7) Or is that 'turn sideways and look in a mirror'?

At the cookie place:

1) I should not, on receiving an order for "(insert number here) chocolate chip(s)," place that many individual chocolate chips into a bag, then charge the person who made the order full price.

2) The same goes for "(insert number here) M&M(s)," "(insert number here) sprinkle(s)" and "(insert number here) macadamia(s)".

3) The customers probably already know that I am not an effing telepath. Informing them of this fact will not change anything.

4) Even if it will make me feel better.

5) Similarly, there will always be customers who apparently can't read, and therefore call macadamia nuts "macadamians".

6) If a customer tells me to give him/her/it 'whatever,' I should not take a card, write "Whatever" on it, and sell it to him/her/it for twenty bucks.

7) It should probably be closer to thirty bucks, anyway.

8) As much as I wish otherwise, there is no such thing as an idiot tax. Just because some customers might believe me when I say there is, doesn't mean I should charge it to them.

As a reading tutor:

1) If ever I am asked by a student why they have to learn this, "Because civilization as you know it will collapse if you don't," is the wrong answer.

2) It only encourages them to rebel more, anyway.

[friendofjimmyk]

- Bartenders are not allowed to tell new servers to go in the back and get a can of steam for the cappucino machine

- Cooks are not allowed to tell the new servers to go and fetch the plastic frying pan

[friendofjimmyk]

As a dispatcher:

- Probably not a good idea to send an electronic message to a driver asking him what is he wearing

- Nor when he finally gets a call sent to him to send him another message telling him to put his clothes on he has a new call

- Also probably not a good idea to send a message that asks the driver to make sure the member has their clothes on right

- You should probably make sure you have fully released the button on the two-way radio or walkie talkie phone and have completely hung the business line up when you start making fun of the person on the other end


Meant for one co-worker (there are 4 of us from my dept. on here, this one is not! Even if she was, I doubt she'd think this was about her)

- Referring to the your co-workers as your butler is not recommended.

- Telling your co-workers you can't do the job of two people when actually what they are asking you to do is in the job description of one person and is, in fact, YOUR job - is not advisable.

- Talking on your personal cell phone AND the business line at the same time with conversations that are not remotely related to your job and then yelling at your co-workers telling them you are too busy to do your job is also not advisable.

- Thinking that you are the best at your job and telling other co-workers that everyone hates them is also...NOT ADVISABLE and giggling in a cutesy manner after you say it DOES NOT excuse what you just said

- Gossiping on the business line to the supervisor while your other co-workers can hear what you are saying - NOT ADVISABLE

- Telling another co-worker that you NEVER talk about them when asked about your gossiping is not only not advisable but also unbelievable bullshit!

Woo...glad to get that off my chest!

[Pezzle]

Sweet!! :D

....Although, I did save the list this time... :lol:

Thanks again Crosshair :yourock:

In regards to your original one, 125 and 126... Cat5 is a standard for RJ-45 cable (I usually just refer to RJ-45 as the connectors that you have to crimp on).

But trust me, 20' of Cat5e is all you need to end it all.

[Mr. Rude]

Dutch Hater!! :)

[Pezzle]

Dutch Hater!! :)


I SURE AM YO, I SURE AM IS BE DAT'!

I used the pibcak error thing today :>

[Becks]

I am not allowed to have a duel with a coworker (with plastic pirate pistols), with the result that I dive behind the rotisserie chicken stand for sniper shooting.

Even the cop on duty laughed, though.

[Crosshair]

Not allowed to have the following books under the gun counter to use when debating a customer on gun subjects: Cartridges of the World, Small Arms of the 20th Century, Machineguns of the World, The Geneva Conventions, Reloading manuals of ANY kind, Complete copy of the 1934 NFA act, 1968 GC Act, and 1986 FOP Act, and the 1994 AWB Act (Now dead), or The Second Amendment Primer.

Stop refering to North Dakota as a "Free state".

Stop refering to California as, "Commiefornia."

Even if the customers agree with me.

Not allowed to time my NICS checks.

When helping unload truck and management asks if we need anything, the phrase, "WE DEMAND A SHRUBBERY" is not to be used.

When discussing preperations for this years "Black Friday" I am not allowed to suggest the use of rubber buckshot or cattle prods on customers.

[lordlundar]

When discussing preperations for this years "Black Friday" I am not allowed to suggest the use of rubber buckshot or cattle prods on customers.

Interesting. I'm allowed to suggest it. We won't be allowed, but at least I can suggest it.:lol:

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

When helping unload truck and management asks if we need anything, the phrase, "WE DEMAND A SHRUBBERY" is not to be used.

I don't get it :confused:

But that might be the point.

[Banrion]

I don't get it :confused:

But that might be the point.

Monty Python reference.

[Crosshair]

I don't get it :confused:
Monty Python quote.:D

[Mikkel]

I don't get it :confused:

But that might be the point.

Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0151625/) :wave:

[Bella_Vixen]

When customers want cigs, I can't just look at them for a while and then say "oh, you wanted them NOW...?"

Even if they AND my boss think that it's funny.

[Crosshair]

Deflating and boxing basketballs for winter storage does not involve a Buck knife or a BB gun.

Stop using double negatives.

Stop pointing out when management uses double negatives.

Stop pointing out when coustomers use double negatives.

Stop storing cookies in the gun safe display.

Ditto for soda.

Do not put polka music into the display CD players.

Do not name the pallet jacks. (Someone wrote car names on the pallet jacks with a sharpie. "Hey, where is my Pinto!!!")

Do not reconfigure the camera monitor in the TLE to recieve TV signals. Even if you can switch between camera and TV mode with the push of a button.

Do not tell people that they can't sleep or go to the bathroom while waiting in line for PS3. (Co-workers in Electronics did this.)

Not allowed to make fun of people waiting in line for the PS3 while on the clock.

(Next day) Not allowed to make fun of people waiting in line for the PS3 even if I am off the clock.

Even if it involves a clown suit, Lysol, and is really really funny.

[Spiffy McMoron]

-Put up a hammock
-Preposition cute customers (I haven't done this, I'm just saying...:p )
-Challenge customers to games of foosball
-Jump on counters to do your monkey impersenation. It will end badly.
-Heckle customers for owning a Neon
-Start a kariokee competition with the background music

[ArenaBoy]

Not allowed to take kickballs I find in the building
Not allowed to use said kickballs as soccer balls when there is nothing to do
Having a rock fight is not allowed (Coworkers were doing this)
Not allowed to do mob voices when I work the mob suite name
Asking to set up wireless security so you can check your forums while on break is bad
Reading Fast Food Nation and loudly exclaming all the disgusting stuff is bad
Especially if coworkers are eating fast food
I will not respond to the ex-navy supervisor in soldier fashion.
That includes "Sir yes Sir", doing push-ups when he is around, and singing in miltary tune
It is a bad idea to point out major flaws of a customer's argument
Even if my supervisor finds it funny

EDIT: One more thing, I am not allowed to record the PA voice for music purposes

[lordlundar]

Deflating and boxing basketballs for winter storage does not involve a Buck knife or a BB gun.
Spoilsport

Stop storing cookies in the gun safe display.

Ditto for soda.
Even if it's high theft by staff?

Do not put polka music into the display CD players.
Isn't putting it in counting as cruel and unusual punishment?

Not allowed to make fun of people waiting in line for the PS3 while on the clock.

(Next day) Not allowed to make fun of people waiting in line for the PS3 even if I am off the clock. Yeah, I was told this too. And I REALLY wanted to.

Even if it involves a clown suit, Lysol, and is really really funny.
I'm not even sure I wanna know...

[Myra]

Cell Phone Store
- Playing football in the store is not recommended. Even if all the sales guys and the boss are involved. Eventually, something will break.
- If the chair in the back office is broken, take it out to the dumpster. Don't leave it there for the boss to sit in later when he forgets it is broken. Even if it is funny to hear the giant CRASH! then the sound of him cursing later on from the front of the office.
- Do not steal Myra's candy. Unless you want to lose an arm.
- I don't care if Myra has Snicker's left. Stay the hell outta her candy. It doesn't matter if you're the boss.

Grocery Store
- The pallets of cereal are not for building forts in the back room.
- Stop putting rotten meat in your co-worker's pocket when he's not paying attention.
- Same goes for throwing said rotten meat at the co-worker when he's outside having a smoke.
- As tempting as it may be, do not scratch your butt with your gloved hand before slicing the ham of rude customers.

[AFpheonix]

-Can't recommend anal sex as a better "Plan A" for people that complain about the cost of "Plan B"
- I'm not allowed to perv on hot customers or the new LP Guy.
- Using the pill bottles as a sippy cup is a no-no.

[Crosshair]

I'm not even sure I wanna know...
I was going to be the "Deodorant Fairy". Educating the stinking masses, huddled in our layaway department waiting for the PS3 to be released, about the wonderfull world of proper hygiene.:D

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

SPecial holiday edition:

When the Jackson 5's version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", I am not allowed to sing my own version of that song, about a certain lead singer from said Jackson 5.

It starts "I saw Michael Jackson kissing little boys...":devil:

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I was going to be the "Deodorant Fairy". Educating the stinking masses, huddled in our layaway department waiting for the PS3 to be released, about the wonderfull world of proper hygiene.:D

Is he any relation to Don Quiote who used to appear in those old 1970's dental hygeine commercials who rode around on a horse, fighting the windmills with a giant toothbrush?:p

[KaeZoo]

Car audio install bay edition:

-It is a minor annoyance that store management regards our install bay restroom as their executive washroom. However, if, while the restroom is in use, I strike the adjoining wall HARD with the flat of a shovel, I should not be surprised at the confiscation of said shovel.
-If I forget to lock my tool box, they'll probably take my big rubber mallet, too.
-While we're on the subject, I need to stop telling co-workers how "Stinkyfinger" got his nickname.

-Even if I have my co-worker's cooperation, my customer will not be amused to find a bound-and-gagged store employee in her trunk when I open it to demonstrate her new speakers.

-While it is an interesting fact that a 6-amp diode will fit snugly into the barrel of a ball-point pen, and that the pen barrel can be fitted tightly over the nozzle of my air-hose blower attachment, this is not an adequate explanation for the 6-amp diode stuck fifteen feet up in the wall of my install bay.
-Nor does it explain the puncture in the bottle of saline at the eye-wash station.

-The big glass windows between the main store and the install bay exist so that customers can watch us at work; however, they may not understand if I post a sign that says "heLp i aM a PriSoner".
-Or the small card on the floor drain, warning of sewer monsters.

[lordlundar]

-Even if I have my co-worker's cooperation, my customer will not be amused to find a bound-and-gagged store employee in her trunk when I open it to demonstrate her new speakers.

-While it is an interesting fact that a 6-amp diode will fit snugly into the barrel of a ball-point pen, and that the pen barrel can be fitted tightly over the nozzle of my air-hose blower attachment, this is not an adequate explanation for the 6-amp diode stuck fifteen feet up in the wall of my install bay.
-Nor does it explain the puncture in the bottle of saline at the eye-wash station.

-The big glass windows between the main store and the install bay exist so that customers can watch us at work; however, they may not understand if I post a sign that says "heLp i aM a PriSoner".

Okay, these I CANNOT show to my install techs, lest I get in trouble for these.:lol:

[Crosshair]

-While it is an interesting fact that a 6-amp diode will fit snugly into the barrel of a ball-point pen, and that the pen barrel can be fitted tightly over the nozzle of my air-hose blower attachment, this is not an adequate explanation for the 6-amp diode stuck fifteen feet up in the wall of my install bay.
-Nor does it explain the puncture in the bottle of saline at the eye-wash station.
Sooooo many memories from high school involving something along those lines.

[JustADude]

-While it is an interesting fact that a 6-amp diode will fit snugly into the barrel of a ball-point pen, and that the pen barrel can be fitted tightly over the nozzle of my air-hose blower attachment, this is not an adequate explanation for the 6-amp diode stuck fifteen feet up in the wall of my install bay.

Oh great, you had me *hic* laughing so *hic* hard I've *hic* got the *hic*... Ah, you get *hic* the id-*hic*dea. :D

[ArenaBoy]

-Cannot swear at customers in Italian
-Or French, Japanese, German, Russian, Portuguese, Spanish, Chinese, Greek, and Korean
-The flashlights are not pointy for one's pleasure
-Reenacting Strangers with Candy is not funny
-Nor is reenacting the Argument Clinic sketch from Monty Python
-I am not a professional complainer and stop stating that to customers
-And I am not a professional verbal abuser either
-Aphex Twin being played loudly while counting tickets? Bad
-Same for Flaming Lips, Beck, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Autechre, and Jane's Addiction
-When working the North Clubs I am not allowed to make fun of the compant names
-Even if two of them are KGB associates and Larry, Moe, and Curly
-I am not allowed to talk about rigging the sound and light system to fit the atmosphere of the rave underground in the new clubs. Even if I am joking about it.
-If I find $20 I am to return it to the man in charge.
-If I find a shredded love note, I am supposed to bring it back and help piece it back together
-I cannot install digital cable with the sports package so I can watch my soccer matches when I'm on break
-Even if I offer to pay for the set-up

[Mr. Crow]

- Running out of a factory fast with a vital part of a motor is acceptable behavior if you are avoiding engineers.

- "You f***ing broke it" is an acceptable diagnosis for the management to make.

- Fire is inevitable.

- Bringing fire arms to work is tolerated, nay encouraged.

- The safe is not to be opened for any reason. We lost the combination for a reason.

- Thats the bosses story and he is sticking to it.

- OSHA is a myth.

- So don't call them.

- Giggleing as a customer does something very stupid is acceptable as long as they are looking away from you when you do it.

- Stop whineing about the manure and sewage on motors and drives Crow.

- You won't die from it.

- Unless there is an E. Coli outbreak again in Burlington. Again.

[DarthRetard]

Things a Radioshack Sales Assoc. Cannot Do:

1. Make stereotype jokes to a customer

2. Explain said jokes, when the customer doesnt get it, using the words "you people"

3. Yell "What the F--- do you want?!?!?" when a customer walks in the store 5 min before closing.

4. Ask attractive female customers if they'd like to make a deal to get that iPod for cheaper.

5. Blast Weird Al on the iPod systems.

6. Show the Adult channels on the Dish Network system on the LCD TVs.

7. I am not "the Juggernaut Bitch!", and I do not have a "pimp cane."

8. Speak chinese to a customer who speaks spanish in such a way that i cannot understand, and then follow it with, "See how that feels?"

9. Inform customers of Motorola's deal with the chinese military to build the detonators in their landmines.

10. Inform a customer of how many times a day a panda will stand on it's head, which FYI, is 8, on average. I am told they do not care.

11. I cannot ask a customer's advice on how to attract other males. (i'm not gay, but it's fun to do.)

12. It is never appropriate to tell customers that cell phones now have detonation devices within them, that if the bill is overpaid, it will self-destruct at the companies activation.

13. In addition, it is also not appropriate to tell this to neurotic elderly women who still believe that Russia is our worst enemy.

14. I absolutely under on circumstance am not allowed to tell an annoying customer that another