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Gravekeeper
10-11-2007, 03:42 PM
If you get the topic then <3




Midnight Snack Review

Since no one else in the office is apparently fool enough to attempt to consume the Green Tea Mixed Berry Apple Chips in the vending machine I shall bravely step up to the plate. The first thing you will notice about said chips is that there are stickers covering various parts of the text on the bag. Upon high tech decoding ( Scratch off with finger nail ) these reveal "No additives". Meaning there are, in fact, additives and they had to retract such claims. Second thing you will notice is they expired about 2 weeks ago. Mhmmm. The third thing you will notice is that despite the bag's claim of ushering me into a "new era of health snacks" they actually have the nutritional value of stale air. Fourthly, for $1.50 you get the equivalent of half an apple. Finally, while the bag says Mixed Berry flavour there are no actual berries inside nor do they taste anything like berries. I assume the bag was full of "berry flavour smell" which I inadvertently released upon puncturing the tiny vacuum universe within.

Taste you say? Well…..they look, taste and feel exactly like week old apple peels. So if that's your thing, go for it.

Overall I give this snack a 1 out of 5.

Thus concludes my completely random late night snack review.



Mercy

SC: "Dey sed it'd be lahk 30 minnets n' dat was at 8 and dey haven't none did it yet!"

Done. Haven’t DONE it yet. While I may not be able to stop you from going through life by violently shanking the English language in the face with a box cutter over and over again while it screams for its mother, perhaps I can, at least in this one instance, get you to swap to a plastic fork instead.



867

Me: "Alright, what would you like to order?"
SC: "Uh….um…its er……"

Oh for….look there's only two things that get ordered at this time of night: Pants and hats. You have a 50/50 shot of getting the question right so just take a wild stab in the dark at it. Even if you miss it just means one more gouge in the faded fake wood paneling of your living room/bedroom/garage. Hell, I'll even help you out ( Because I'm just that nice. ). Take the catalogue, that’s the thing with the pretty pictures of objects you irrationally desire in it, and head out into your "lawn". That's the ocean of used car parts intermittedly broken up by gravel and dandelions. Just for reference. If this is your ex-wife's home, please crawl back out through the bathroom window from which you entered. You can leave the panty hose on your head if you wish. Even if you find it a bit tight, don't worry, I doubt cutting off the blood to your brain would have much of an affect on you at this point in life.

Now, take the catalogue and just throw it into the air. When it lands look at what pages it landed open on. If you see pants, ask for pants. If you see hats, ask for hats. If you see both, rub it on your groin for good luck and throw it into the air again. Repeat as necessary till you come to a decision or you wear through the crotch of your jeans. In which case you should, of course, order pants.

I am a problem solver.



Behold my Vocabulary

Me: "Ok, and what's your postal code or zip code?"
SC: "XXX XXX"
Me: "Ok-"
SC: "THAT’S A CANADIAN POSTAL CODE"

Oh good, I wasn't sure for a minute there. You stopped me from teetering down the spiral staircase of confusion, across the living room of befuddlement only to bust my skull open like a ripe watermelon on the sharp corner of the coffee table of puzzlement. Where I would lay twitching while my viscous brain juices slowly leaked out of my ears to permanently stain the shag carpet of perplexity.

On a side note, I have a Thesaurus.



Oddly Familiar

Caller:: "That's xxx <My Actual Last Name>'s Road"
Me: "Ok, so xxx-"
Caller: "M-Y-L-A-S-T-N-"

OH OH! I KNOW THIS ONE! PICK ME! PICK ME!



Hear Hear

SC: "I just have one question."
Me: "Ok, sure?"
SC: "……."
Me: "……."
SC: "……<click>"

That's really more of a statement to be honest. However, I wholeheartedly agree. If only more people thought as we did! The world, or at least the call centers, would be a better place.



Pay Attention Harder

SC: "Its xxxx Monkeybutt street"
Me: "Ok, so xxxx Monkeybutt street?"
SC: "Yep."
Me: "Alright, how many tickets would you like?"
SC: "Can you read the address back to me?"
Me: "……...sure"

I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I was just tossing words into the vast black emptiness of your momentary brain fart. Let me go back and try again. Try and keep your skull cheeks clenched together this time.



As If By Magic

SC: "I had my roof done 13 years ago and it wasn't suppose to happen."

Er….what? So they snuck into your yard in the dead of night, quietly set up ladders and reshingled your home? Only to vanish by morning like some sort of shingle fairies? Was the entire roof done magically in a single night or was this more like some sort of covert sustained campaign of shingle terror?



Slick Bargaining

SC: "Do you guys do these roofs for next to nothing? I'm on welfare and have no money but I want a new roof."

Hello sirs! I cannot possibly afford your product however I was hoping you would sell it to me regardless perhaps for the random contents of my left back pocket. Please return my call with utmost urgency. Kiss kiss.



Just Breath it In.

SC: "Is there anywhere I can download something like your software for free?"

……….shhhhh, don't talk. Just let the sheer stunning stupidity and adacity of that statement wash over you.



Keep Breathing
( Just to point out he's asking about the MAC version of the program.... )

SC: "Do I have to have Windows installed on my Mac to run your software?"

......this one too. Hell, lets just dive into that one like a pile of tard leaves and roll around in the feeble wits beneath.






Day One: Complete.

Calud
10-11-2007, 03:50 PM
It hurts just from imagining.

Caek and Pie.... done four of the advanced chambers so far. :)

Imogene
10-11-2007, 03:55 PM
I cannot possibly afford your product however I was hoping you would sell it to me regardless perhaps for the random contents of my left back pocket.
All I have is a nickel... and a piece of blue string.

"Make it purple string, and you've got yourself a deal."

Nutjob R/T
10-11-2007, 04:05 PM
On a side note, I has a Thesaurus.

It's now official: Your next avatar must be a Lolcat.

Mr. Rude
10-11-2007, 04:12 PM
The "lawn covered with car parts" thing isn't all that vogue on the island....They have old boats & parts for the same scattered about instead. :lol:

Still seems to have the same effect.

Becks
10-11-2007, 04:12 PM
While I may not be able to stop you from going through life by violently shanking the English language in the face with a box cutter over and over again while it screams for its mother, perhaps I can, at least in this one instance, get you to swap to a plastic fork instead.

:lol:

I think I have a spork around here somewhere...

Now, take the catalogue and just throw it into the air. When it lands look at what pages it landed open on. If you see pants, ask for pants. If you see hats, ask for hats. If you see both, rub it on your groin for good luck and throw it into the air again. Repeat as necessary till you come to a decision or you wear through the crotch of your jeans. In which case you should, of course, order pants.

Words cannot express how funny I think this is.

I am a problem solver.

I prefer being the Hotstepper, myself. :blink:

I cannot possibly afford your product however I was hoping you would sell it to me regardless perhaps for the random contents of my left back pocket.

Does anyone have change for a button?

MinimaMagistra
10-11-2007, 04:15 PM
Behold my Vocabulary

Oh good, I wasn't sure for a minute there. You stopped me from teetering down the spiral staircase of confusion, across the living room of befuddlement only to bust my skull open like a ripe watermelon on the sharp corner of the coffee table of puzzlement. Where I would lay twitching while my viscous brain juices slowly leaked out of my ears to permanently stain the shag carpet of perplexity.

On a side note, I have a Thesaurus.

And to make sure you don't get the infection of bewilderment from the germs of discombobulation, please make sure you use some ointment of clarity and apply the bandaid of lucidity.

We don't want you getting hurt, now.

Kara
10-11-2007, 05:21 PM
Me: "Alright, what would you like to order?"


Ah, it's endlessly amusing when they call us and have no idea why they did so.


SC: "I just have one question."
Me: "Ok, sure?"
SC: "……."
Me: "……."
SC: "……<click>"


That's like, the perfect call. Lucky bastard.


SC: "Do you guys do these roofs for next to nothing? I'm on welfare and have no money but I want a new roof."


These are also fun. "I can't afford this outrageous bill I incurred all on my own and/or phone that I will never be able to figure out how to use and will call you every single day complaining that it's a piece of shit and it doesn't work right but I want it anyway. Can't you just credit me for it?"


SC: "Do I have to have Windows installed on my Mac to run your software?"


FAIL. Steve Jobs is on his way to your door, armed with 3 lines of cocaine and a golf club.

Kara
10-11-2007, 05:59 PM
Oh, and, didn't the cake thing have something to do with Half-Life? I seem to remember it being some kind of secret code for Valve's website or something.

Broomjockey
10-11-2007, 06:02 PM
The lie is delicious!

Giranan
10-11-2007, 06:27 PM
I'm sorry, Gravekeeper, but this level is impossible.

Calud
10-11-2007, 07:10 PM
www.aperturescience.com

Type: Login

Login: cjohnson
Password: tier3

"Remember that time when you were sliding into the fire pit and I said bye? That was a joke."

Dave1982
10-11-2007, 07:25 PM
Keep Breathing
( Just to point out he's asking about the MAC version of the program.... )

SC: "Do I have to have Windows installed on my Mac to run your software?"

Sir, there is a minimum required IQ of 100 to own a Mac. You just scored a 1. People like you give Mac users everywhere a bad name. You must now surrender your Mac (I'll take it for you ;)) and report to the nearest Wal-Fart and buy the cheapest POS Windoze box they have.

Gawdzillers
10-11-2007, 07:31 PM
0 = You













&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& = Curtains E = A dog







[] = Delicious Cake




WHAT NOW, CS? HOW WILL YOU GET THE DELICIOUS CAKE GUARDED BY THESE IMPENETRABLE DEFENSE MECHANISMS?

tangrid
10-11-2007, 07:35 PM
Slick Bargaining

SC: "Do you guys do these roofs for next to nothing? I'm on welfare and have no money but I want a new roof."

Hello sirs! I cannot possibly afford your product however I was hoping you would sell it to me regardless perhaps for the random contents of my left back pocket. Please return my call with utmost urgency. Kiss kiss.

I'm sorry, sir, you seem to be one tenth of a cent short... I'd help you out, but I gave my last damn about half an hour ago. Have a nice day!

BookstoreEscapee
10-11-2007, 11:02 PM
:lol:

I think I have a spork around here somewhere...

Is it a titanium (http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/tools/8ace/)spork? :D

(I sooo one!)

ShadedWings
10-12-2007, 12:13 AM
I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I was just tossing words into the vast black emptiness of your momentary brain fart. Let me go back and try again. Try and keep your skull cheeks clenched together this time.

:roll::roll::roll::roll:

Skull cheeks.... :lol: Just so many mental images on that one, and none of them are good, but so, so funny! :D

Killer Bees
10-12-2007, 02:14 AM
I may have to duck and run for cover over this statement, but GK, it doesn't sound nearly as bad (ie hilarious) a night as some of the others you posted.

Still, my heart aches for you having to listen to this kind of stupidity constantly.

Amethyst Hunter
10-12-2007, 04:01 AM
I would very much like a big frosted piece of GK's (in)famous Hate Cake...however, the pleasure would be vastly diminished by the fact that I am not currently able to smell (and thus taste) much of anything...for I am afflicted with the bastardly common cold. :cry:


some sort of shingle fairies?


FTR, there are such things as shingle fairies. I know this because when I still lived in my old house and the roof was redone a couple years ago, I kept finding all of these nasty roofing nails all around the lawn...including one detected by my foot right outside the front door. :rant: (Thankfully, it wasn't serious. But it sure didn't feel very effing good!)



"I can't afford this outrageous bill I incurred all on my own and/or phone that I will never be able to figure out how to use and will call you every single day complaining that it's a piece of shit and it doesn't work right but I want it anyway. Can't you just credit me for it?"


No, no. The correct procedure in this type of situation is to give 'em a whole brand-new-spankin' item that is of higher value than the one they botched. :angel:

Nayeli_Sabia
10-12-2007, 05:56 AM
If you get the topic then <3

Oddly Familiar

Caller:: "That's xxx <My Actual Last Name>'s Road"
Me: "Ok, so xxx-"
Caller: "M-Y-L-A-S-T-N-"

OH OH! I KNOW THIS ONE! PICK ME! PICK ME!


This amuses me because my last name is a direction with an ending added, and I spent 20 min with a sucky call person trying to give them my lat name, and they kept cutting me off when I offered to spell it

Last name: Easting

Easterling?
*thinks No, that's a badguy from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy*
No, Easting

Westing?

Easting. E-a

East?

East-ING East with an ing at the end

Huh?

*headdesk*

EDIT: this is nothing against Call people in general, just this one idiot.

Gravekeeper
10-12-2007, 06:09 AM
This amuses me because my last name is a direction with an ending added, and I spent 20 min with a sucky call person trying to give them my lat name, and they kept cutting me off when I offered to spell it


I have a fairly common Irish last name yet its one that people ALWAYS insist on spelling and always ask you for the spelling for. ;p

Even though I've never, ever heard or seen it spelled any other way.

I'm going to change it to my mother's maiden name at the end of the year. Its a fine Scottish name and I was raised by that side of the family anyway. =p

Lord Ludicrous
10-12-2007, 09:55 AM
Hehe, someone has been playing Portal ;-)

I would like to take a moment to remind you that the Apreture Science Weighted Companion Cube cannot actually speak. In the event that the Apreture Science Weighted Companion Cube does speak, we urge you to ignore its advice ;)

bendertiger
10-12-2007, 12:11 PM
Just Breath it In.

SC: "Is there anywhere I can download something like your software for free?"

……….shhhhh, don't talk. Just let the sheer stunning stupidity and adacity of that statement wash over you.

Yes, but obviously your too stupid to work out where



Keep Breathing
( Just to point out he's asking about the MAC version of the program.... )

SC: "Do I have to have Windows installed on my Mac to run your software?"

......this one too. Hell, lets just dive into that one like a pile of tard leaves and roll around in the feeble wits beneath.

Moronic users are apparently not restriced to windows

daleduke17
10-12-2007, 01:45 PM
This amuses me because my last name is a direction with an ending added, and I spent 20 min with a sucky call person trying to give them my lat name, and they kept cutting me off when I offered to spell it
Last name: Easting
Easterling?
*thinks No, that's a badguy from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy*
No, Easting
Westing?
Easting. E-a
East?
East-ING East with an ing at the end
Huh?
*headdesk*
EDIT: this is nothing against Call people in general, just this one idiot.

Sounds like when I gave DishNetwork my email address. Apparently there was a conflict of accents between me and the DN lady.

Me: Daleduke17 at hotmail. d-a-l-e-d-u-k-e 1-7
Her: daaaaaaaaaayllllleeee.....duuuuuuuuuuuuuuke.
Me: Yes.
Her: d-a-l-e-d-o-o-k@ seventeen?
Me: No.

This went around for about five minutes before I convinced her that my email was what it was.

Becks
10-13-2007, 03:20 PM
Is it a titanium (http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/tools/8ace/)spork? :D


At the time of my original posting, no. I had in mind a plastic one...from KFC...that you get with the parfaits.

Now, however, it shall be as you posted. :D

Decker
10-15-2007, 12:09 AM
"We at the Aperture Science Enrichment Center believe that if at first you don't succeed, you fail."

TrainedChimp
10-15-2007, 12:12 AM
Given the direction this thread has gone, I feel I must post this link. (http://www.armorgames.com/games/portaltheflashversion_game.html)

Andara Bledin
10-15-2007, 03:03 AM
.... Huuuuuge time waster... thanks a lot... </sarcasm>

Bookmarked.

^-.-^

LizaMarie
10-15-2007, 06:54 PM
oh lord! I just got orange box and JUST got the title. YES!

Sparkticus
10-15-2007, 07:42 PM
GAH! I want that so much! But it's not out on PS3 for weeks :(

Jack7957
10-23-2007, 01:26 AM
Er….what? So they snuck into your yard in the dead of night, quietly set up ladders and reshingled your home? Only to vanish by morning like some sort of shingle fairies? Was the entire roof done magically in a single night or was this more like some sort of covert sustained campaign of shingle terror?

If you find out how to contact the shingle fairies, please let me know.

DesignFox
10-23-2007, 02:37 PM
FPS games make me all nauseous. But my hunny has played through the entire Portals game, so I got to listen to the hilarious computer comments and watch him solve the puzzles before I got too dizzy to watch anymore...

The end battle is hilarious.

I wish I could play it... :cry:

GK, love the new avatar. ;)

Geek King
10-23-2007, 03:08 PM
FPS games make me all nauseous. But my hunny has played through the entire Portals game, so I got to listen to the hilarious computer comments and watch him solve the puzzles before I got too dizzy to watch anymore...



I picked up the Orange Box also. Know what I play the most?

The Peggle demo.

I worry me sometimes, but at least I know I'm a peggle god. :rolleyes:

Metiphis
10-23-2007, 03:12 PM
Excellent post as usual Grave.

Also did you just throw that thing that we don't know what it does into an Aperture incinerator?

You're not even a scientist.

Kara
10-23-2007, 03:24 PM
Given the direction this thread has gone, I feel I must post this link. (http://www.armorgames.com/games/portaltheflashversion_game.html)

And this:

http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2007/20071012.jpg

Gravekeeper
10-23-2007, 04:08 PM
http://cache.kotaku.com/assets/resources/2007/10/cubecake.jpg


The cake is a lie.

RichS
10-24-2007, 12:35 AM
The cake is a lie.

"The cake is not a lie. Because we don't ever want to live in a world where our cake lies to us." - PC Gamer quote, Portal review in the November 2007 issue. :D

BTW, if it doesn't spoil anything, where does that come from in Portal?

I know, I need to pick up the Orange Box, but I'm waiting until Christmas...

Andara Bledin
10-24-2007, 06:04 AM
The Peggle demo.

I worry me sometimes, but at least I know I'm a peggle god. :rolleyes:

*snicker*

Funny thing: I have a subscription to Shockwave games, and Nekojin's been using it to play *drumroll* .... Peggle!

He's beaten the 2-ball challenge. He hasn't beaten the 1-ball challenge yet.

(man, does that last line read soooo wrong out of context)

^-.-^

Geek King
10-24-2007, 03:21 PM
*snicker*

Funny thing: I have a subscription to Shockwave games, and Nekojin's been using it to play *drumroll* .... Peggle!

He's beaten the 2-ball challenge. He hasn't beaten the 1-ball challenge yet.

(man, does that last line read soooo wrong out of context)

^-.-^

Heehee...It does. :p

I haven't gotten to those yet. I just finished all the 55-peg challenges and the 300,000 point challenges. I should be able to do the 350,000-pointers fairly easily when I can get the time. The duals promise suckage because sometimes it depends on who goes first. Its hard to make a come back when the computer starts with a 50,000 point massive slide.

<sigh> I havn't even started Portal yet. And I have aliens to kill on the PS1 copy of X-Com I managed to find (possibly my favorite game of all time, too bad my compy won't play it without a real DOS installation).