FFS! [language]

[Alfie]

When the hell will my 22 year old brother get his act together? He has just been arrested for posession of marijuana. I think it might be at least his 2nd time. He has been using it since he was 12ish. You would think that after 10 years, this shit would start getting old. How many 22 year olds do you know who smoke it every day, drink heavily, and don't have a job? And don't intend on having a job! Not only that, he is an arsehole to the entire family.

I understand that he has problems, but I wish he would take the steps to fix them, not just drink more and use more drugs. I wish he would open up and let other people help him. I would love to have him as a proper brother, not as one who hurled abuse at me for 5 years (at least). Not one who only speaks to me when he is either high off his face, or drunk off his tits.

And why the hell does mum always have to take it so personally? Now she's getting stressed out about getting a mental health assessment, but it wont happen! The system here sucks, and even if it didn't suck, how the hell are you going to get the truth out of someone who obviously doesn't want to hear it? She is just going to stress herself out, and she will get emotional over this all over again. She seems to think that she can push my brother into solving his problems, well she CAN'T. And trying so just screws him up even more.

I don't even know what the hell we are supposed to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I understand that our childhoods weren't the best, and that some shit really fucked him up, but I wish he could move on. I am scared that he will never move on, and that he will be one of the local bums. I am so scared about his future, but I'm also scared about what is happening right now to him. I am scared about what has happened to him (and us) in the past, and how he wont let it go, but he also wont change anything to help himself either.

Sorry about the ramble, but I am scared that if I don't get it out, I will yet again get upset at mum, and that wont help either of us. I am just wondering what the right way of dealing with this is. :(

[crazylegs]

Its an unfortunate thing to have to say, but he won't help himself unless he wants too, its such an incredibly hard position for you and your mother to be in, all you can do is support him and gently show him the correct path.

I'll say this though, he's lucky he's your brother, I know of a lot of people in a similar situation who just don't care.

Look after yourself and your ma.

[Banrion]

Speaking from personal experience in dealing with a self-absorbed, careless leech of a BIL, the only thing that ever made him change his ways even temporarily was to be an asshole right back to him. The only thing that got him to get a job was getting evicted from my house, his mothers house and then his girlfriends house within a span of less than 6 mos. You need to call him on his behaviour and cut ties. The only way for people like this to seek real help, is to hit the bottom. As long as there are friends and family who are going to make sure that he is taken care of no matter how boorishly he behaves he will have no motivation to stop.

In my case, it took 18 months for him to turn around completely, but he is currently employed and has been for over 6 months, and he actually showed a shred of remorse recenty. I evicted him from our apt 18 months ago, and since I have refused to speak to or acknowledge his presence even when he was in my own home visiting his brother. As far as I was concerned, he wasn't worth my attention in any way shape or form after the way he behaved when he lived with us. A couple weeks ago, he actually pulled me aside and apologized for his behaviour in the past, and asked that I give him a chance to prove that he has changed his ways.

It is hard to watch them fall, but they gotta figure out that no one is gonna catch them but themselves.

[Andara Bledin]

Wow, that sounds precisely like my brother. No, wait, at that point my brother was a crackhead, not just a doper. But he quit that (thank god).

I know that my brother is like that from a combination of my father resenting him (my dad's got some serious issues) and my mother overcompensating for my dad and being there too much, so it got to be a habit for my brother.

Unfortunately for my mother, but good for my brother, my mother hasn't had the wherewithal to baby him for the last five years or so, and since his selfishness ruined a particularly sweet arrangement he's been on his own for most of this year.

Other than a stint when he lived in his car in his mid-20s, this is the first time he's ever really been on his own, and it's the first time he's not had a safety net to fall back into. At nearly 35, he's finally in a spot where the only one that can take care of him is himself, and I think it's sobered him up a bit. (he can't be arrested for possession, because he has a prescription card)

^-.-^

[NightAngel]

Your Mom takes it personally because she feels like a failure and everytime he gets into trouble it just rubs it in her face.

If it were me I would tell my brother that I love him and that when he's ready to get his act together I'll be there for him and help him in every way possible.
BUT all this BS is dragging my life down for no reason and until the day comes when he's ready to change he can count me out.

Then you need to focus on your Mom. The guy is 22- what he does now isn't her fault. He's decided to continue acting a fool and no matter what happened in the past it's his decision to make his own future miserable.
She needs to understand that.

BUT you may have to face the reality that she may never be able to.

In the end your job is to go on with your life and not make the same mistakes you know the rest of your family is making.

Learn that it's okay to be happy. Know that it's okay to take a life boat off a sinking ship.
Good luck.

[Dawnchaser]

When the hell will my 22 year old brother get his act together? He has just been arrested for posession of marijuana. I think it might be at least his 2nd time. He has been using it since he was 12ish. You would think that after 10 years, this shit would start getting old. How many 22 year olds do you know who smoke it every day, drink heavily, and don't have a job? And don't intend on having a job! Not only that, he is an arsehole to the entire family.


Sadly, I know a few people like this. One is actually in his forties and has children.

My brother-in-law is also like this, except he doesn't drink or do drugs...and he's about 35. He doesn't have a job, won't get one, and treats his family pretty badly most of the time. He won't get any kind of government assistance because he "doesn't want to be a leech on society." But leeching off his family is fine I guess.

I basically have no respect for him...we've had repeated talks about how he needs to step up and do something with his life...and nothing ever happens. He's never had a girlfriend, only had 2 dates...can't figure out why women don't want him. Well let's see...overweight, balding since high school, countless mental/medical issues, only just got his license a year or two ago and have a van that's falling apart with a Transformer logo on it, no job, living with your mom. I'm no prize myself - overweight and can't drive...but...ya gotta have SOMETHING, man.

Unfortunately his mom won't quit enabling and coddling him. She gives him deadlines to get jobs and whatnot and then never follows through. Anytime we want to get together with her or have any sort of event it's always completely dependent on his schedule and preferences. They are both basically good people...he is very intelligent...but I just can't handle it anymore. I'm pretty much done until and unless some sort of change happens. And I don't expect it will until their mother dies, sadly.