Snaps is on the verge of a breakdown (long)

[SnapAddict218]

So. The boyfriend has continued to rifle through my things. I've recently discovered that he's been logging into my myspace page, despite the fact that I have all my passwords hidden (that can only mean he’s been looking for and found my password book). I can only assume he's been monitoring my email too, among other things. I already know that he's continued to go through my phone. Suddenly his phone has been “dead” a lot more, causing him to “use” mine. Right. I thought it was odd the other day when the browsing history pane on the side of the window was up, and now I know why.

The bastard has been spying on me.

And he bragged about it.

Fuck you.

I realize that I made a big no no by talking to this other guy, but as I'd explained in the previous post, it was just talk-emails and texts to be exact. I'd also explained what I was getting out of it. I was saying things that I NEEDED to say, I was allowing myself to FEEL things that I NEEDED to feel. I'd rather have had the exchanges with my boyfriend, but he's not interested. Basically, the short of it is that he doesn't care if he's being told that he's handsome or that he's loved. It's not important to him, therefore he can not (and will not) understand why I need to hear reassuring things. I could sing his praises until I’m blue in the face and it doesn’t matter to him-so I get absolutely no response from him. He says that when he says “I love you” it covers it all-there isn’t any need to tell me any more. He said that he doesn’t have to tell me that I’m pretty or that I look nice (for instance) because A) I should already know that, and B) that’s what “I love you” means. He refused to compromise, and give me even a taste of the verbal encouragement that I pine for. He actually came out and said that he would not do it.

We had a huge fight last night, wherein I screamed at him that he makes me feel like a piece of shitty furniture-over looked and under appreciated. Of course to him this was preposterous. I tried to explain what I need, and why I can not help but to accept some soothing words from another source. I know I’ve done wrong by getting my emotional jollies from another place…it’s just…it hurt so Goddamed much to have these desires burn and have absolutely no way to quench them. So I’m really not doing so well now. I tried to clarify to the man that I love why I act the way I do, and I’m certain that it still did no good. I’m left with 3 choices: It’s either back to suffocating pieces of me into submission, drinking the splitting agony away when I can’t ignore it; hoping that my boyfriend recognizes that this acting out is but a cry for help; or continuing this “emotional affair” to prevent myself from withering up any dying (but having to live with the guilt). I suppose the other option is that I could leave. I haven’t settled on whether or not I want to.

He screamed at me last night that he knew I was unhappy for at least 6 months. He said J (his best friend) found an email that I had sent to N (best friend’s wife) where I went on and on “bitching” about what kind of an asshole he was. Apparently N hadn’t closed down the email and when J logged on there it was. So naturally the two friends talked, but did he do anything? Did he bring anything up to me about it? Did he show any kind of concern with the fact that I was very obviously at my wits end??????? No. What’s worse is this friend of his knows absolutely everything about our private lives. Nothing is sacred, and I’d makes my blood boil to look at this fucker and know that HE knows EVERYTHING. And the email wasn’t about him being an asshole- it was about the same shit I’ve been bleating for a very long time-about my overwhelming sense of rejection from him, my longing for his affections…same shit different day. GOD I just want to yell at him. The emails that he found-they should sound vaguely familiar. They are all the things that I’ve been trying to say to him this whole time. How I long to run my hands down your back, our flesh tingling as I press my lips to your neck, your skillful hands examine my curves with determination, and I let my breath quicken with anticipation of your touch. There are more sexual messages as well, usually detailing things that I’d like to do or feel-all things I’ve tried to express to my boyfriend. I guess I wasn’t really speaking to this guy so much as I was speaking to my boyfriend. The difference being that this fella actually responds. I wonder if the idea that I’ve caught the attention of another ruffles his feathers. I wonder if it’s unnerving to him that there are others in this world that actually sees me.

You know, I’m not even interested in right and wrong at this point. I’m more bent on self preservation now. I’m absolutely wracked with guilt that it came to me turning to someone else but I’m also blind with rage that he’s keeping tabs on me like a child, and I am so twisted with emotional pain from every aspect of it…I just don’t know what to do. He’s fucked me like this in the past, on several occasions, so I just can’t find it in my heart to feel too much guilt for continuing to do what he’s asked me not to. Some of you will understand that. True, I violated a trust barrier, but I was certainly not the first-and a guaran-fucking-tee you all that I will not be the last. I’ve never kept tabs on him, even when I know he’s misrepresenting the truth to save his skin.

I’ve spent a long time hardening my outsides to disappointment that I’m probably more callous than I should be. I’ve always taken refuge in written word, be it a post to my friends on this forum, a letter never intended for delivery, various types of poetry, or emails. Though out my life I’ve encountered problems when it came to verbalizing what moved with in me. People couldn’t or wouldn’t listen. I’d be looked at like a mental case for having “feelings”-especially out here in BFE fucktown farmer land. I guess if it’s not tractors, beer, strippers, or….tractors it’s not worth listening to. So I turned to the pen, as I had done when things were very hairy growing up. My troubles flowed out of the pen and onto the paper and instantly my thoughts were organized, instantly I felt better. It’s a sickening blow to realize that I can’t even have that anymore. I have no private life. I have no personal space, no where to go to bleed my thoughts. The messages were a healthy channel to alleviate a pressure that had built up. He demanded to know why I didn’t try to talk to him before, if it was so bad. You idiot, I’ve been crying the same story for ages. You failed to hear it, just like you fail to hear anything else that might be negative about you.

The last couple of weeks have been better. He’s been coming home, and much to my delight he’s been kissing me like a man is supposed to kiss his woman (not his sister). But he’s been checking my messages this whole time…so I don’t get it.

What I really want to say but can’t because it’s mean:

I’m sorry for talking to someone else, but you are of a simpler mind that I am, therefore you’re not cumbered by deep thoughts. You’re not a stupid man, but holding an intelligent conversation with you is next to impossible. You’re a brilliant engineer of machinery, but utterly clueless when it comes to dealing with the human element. I am not like your tractors, cold and compliant; I am complicated and highly strung. I’ve dumbed myself down to your level, so that we can communicate. It’s only natural that I’m going to crave interaction-beyond that of a potato. Maybe we aren’t cut out for each other after all. Your simple mind and violent rejection of all things urbane, civilized, and sophisticated pains me to no end.

I am absolutely lost at the moment. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m certain that I love the man, and certain that I’d do anything for him. I’m certain that when I look at him I am filled with an indescribable happiness. What I am less certain of is whether or not I can contently live with his standoffish demeanor and refusal to acknowledge my side of things. I am also positive that I committed a wrong by exchanging words with the person, however I feel raped of my privacy and my right to personal business. I want so badly for him to see the big picture, the cause for this effect. I’m not sure what I want to do at the moment. Obviously I’d like to move forward with our relationship, pick up where it started to go stagnant. I suppose we’ll have to see where it goes from here.

Thanks for listening guys. At least I’ve still got you to lay it all out on.

*sigh* Lil Bunny, I might just take you up on your offer this weekend. No doubt the boyfriend knows about it, as he’s checking my messages and I didn’t delete it. (PM me here if you’ve got anything post related to say. The last thing I need is for him to be trolling around these boards, if he isn’t already.)

[blas]

Well hopefully it's you reading this right now and not him........cuz I'd like to shove a big middle finger right between his eyes right now.

Having said that, hun, change your passwords. Frequently! Every day if you need! And make them unrelated passwords, words that have nothing to do with one another. Just random words....change them frequently and try your damnest to keep them in your head and not write them anywhere so he can't find them!

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is one of the worst things, to feel as if you are shouting at a brick wall or preaching to a deaf congregation.

Edit to add: DO NOT PROGRAM YOUR MYSPACE OR ANY OTHER SITES TO REMEMBER YOUR PASSWORDS! If you have a hard time remembering passwords, start with something easy, something only YOU would know so he'd end up spending hours trying to figure it out.

[ArenaBoy]

I don't mean to be harsh but why are you still with him? You seem like a great person who has a lot to offer. I can understand being concerned about who others interact wiith but this is going too far with what he's doing. Add in the fact that he's bragging about it then I'd ditch him if I were you.


All I can offer you is this
:hug:.

No offense but I think you can do a lot better. A lot.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

So, what are you getting out of this relationship?

Don't tell me "I love him." I know that, but that is not what I want you to think about. I want you to think about what you are getting out of this.

[Eireann]

Fuck you.

and



We had a huge fight last night, wherein I screamed at him that he makes me feel like a piece of shitty furniture-over looked and under appreciated.

It’s either back to suffocating pieces of me into submission, drinking the splitting agony away when I can’t ignore it; hoping that my boyfriend recognizes that this acting out is but a cry for help; or continuing this “emotional affair” to prevent myself from withering up any dying (but having to live with the guilt).

and

He’s fucked me like this in the past, on several occasions, so I just can’t find it in my heart to feel too much guilt for continuing to do what he’s asked me not to.

and
I am not like your tractors, cold and compliant; I am complicated and highly strung. I’ve dumbed myself down to your level, so that we can communicate. It’s only natural that I’m going to crave interaction-beyond that of a potato. Maybe we aren’t cut out for each other after all. Your simple mind and violent rejection of all things urbane, civilized, and sophisticated pains me to no end.

Now, this is interesting.

I’m certain that I love the man, and certain that I’d do anything for him. I’m certain that when I look at him I am filled with an indescribable happiness.

Now, you may get very angry at this, and you may reject it completely, but here's my opinion, for what it's worth.

I think you're very confused about what love is, and what it isn't. You know in your heart that you and this man are thoroughly incompatible. You have screaming fights. You have been texting another man in a sexual manner. He thinks he has the right to go through your private communication without your permission.

So, where is the love in this? Where are the contentment, the peace of mind, the joy, and the assurance one has from a healthy relationship? Whenever you talk about your boyfriend, you say some highly insulting things about him. I don't remember ever reading a post where you praised him in any way. You know that he has no emotional depth, that he would rather spend time with his friends than with you, that he can't be trusted to mind his own business, yet you claim you love him. Why? What are his good points?

And here's the $64,000 dollar question:

Why do you continually torture yourself over someone whom you know doesn't love you, and about whom you have nothing good to say? Is your life worth no more than this?

Trust me, I've been there, done that, and burned the t-shirt. Please, please find yourself a good counselor/therapist and start working through your relationship problems. It's not just this guy. It looks like you have a lot of issues with relationships that aren't restricted to your boyfriend. I remember saying something earlier about boundary issues, and that still stands. What you need from this relationship is not being fulfilled, and this guy is never going to fulfill it. The longer you stay in a relationship that is denying all your emotional needs, the more hurt you are, and the harder it is to pull yourself from the emotional quagmire.

So please, for your own sanity, find someone who knows how to work with these issues, so that you can have the healthy relationship you need. And no, it doesn't have to be with this guy. It doesn't have to be with ANY guy; if you're happy being who you are, you're not going to be drawn into relationships with the wrong people.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

What I really want to say but can’t because it’s mean:

I’m sorry for talking to someone else, but you are of a simpler mind that I am, therefore you’re not cumbered by deep thoughts. You’re not a stupid man, but holding an intelligent conversation with you is next to impossible. You’re a brilliant engineer of machinery, but utterly clueless when it comes to dealing with the human element. I am not like your tractors, cold and compliant; I am complicated and highly strung. I’ve dumbed myself down to your level, so that we can communicate. It’s only natural that I’m going to crave interaction-beyond that of a potato. Maybe we aren’t cut out for each other after all. Your simple mind and violent rejection of all things urbane, civilized, and sophisticated pains me to no end.

So say it anyway. Not because it's mean, but because it's the truth dammit.

I too cannot figure out why you want to stay in this relationship. He spies on you. He doesn't listen to you. He'd rather spend time with his friends than you. I think it's becoming pretty clear he doesn't love you the way you love him.

And if you're going to keep having these screaming arguments with each other, I can't help but think one of them might turn physical.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I agree. How is that mean? Way I see it, you are respecting him enough to be brutally honest with him. Which would be a refreshing change in this relationship.

Keep this in mind. People are on their good behavior before they marry or whatever. Women who think "When we get married, things will change" are dead right. They will change. They will get worse.

If you are with a man (or a woman) who does things you dislike, before you continue with that relationship, ask yourself this: Would I be okay if this problem got worse? If so, proceed. If not, that person is not for you.

I think you know where you stand here. Your guy is currently on his best behavior. Think about that.

[SnapAddict218]

I think you know where you stand here. Your guy is currently on his best behavior. Think about that.

yeah well, neither was I. So I don't know what to feel. Anger, guilt, rage, sadness, shame, fury.....I am so angry with myself for letting me get involved in this. I'm frustrated with myself because I cannot seem to articulate the things that I need to the people that need to know the most.

I just don't know anymore guys...

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Snap, I think you articulated it fine. Probably to him as well. Just because he doesn't agree or listen or heed doesn't mean you failed to articulate your point. In this case, all it means is that he doesn't give a damn. Either he doesn't care if you leave, or he doens't care if you are miserable. Or both.

And I think you misunderstood me. He's not on his worse behavior. He's on his BEST. I'm serious. It only gets worse from this point on. Oh, he may make an effort to appease you until you cool off. Abusive men make a career out of doing awful things to the women who love them, then sending flowers, apologies, etc. Over and over and over.

You need to ask yourself why you would continue with a man who is giving you nothing in return. I would hazzard a guess that it scary to change a situation: a bad job, a bad relationship, etc. The situation become a bad habit, and it's almost comforting in it's routine. You get where you cling to it. This is crippling you. You know what you need to do, you are just terrified to do it. You think you don't deserve better. You think you won't find a better man. These are voices you need to learn not to listen to, because they are lies.

[SnapAddict218]

This is crippling you.

Yeah, I know. I'm physically ill with the whole situation. I've dropped 3 pant sizes in 3 weeks. I know it's crippling me. With how much it hurts, it has to be.

[Eireann]

Snaps, one other thing. I discovered (the hard way) that anything is addictive if you do it long enough. This includes abusive relationships. Or any relationship where you're not getting what you need. It becomes a habit, and the longer you drag it out, the harder it is to break. Once you finally make the break, you feel a strong urge to get back into it - not because you liked it, not because it was good for you, but because you've formed an addiction. I had to do that with someone who made your boyfriend look like Albert Schweitzer. I mean, this guy was Bad News; he was one of the most loathsome people I've ever had the misfortune to meet, and when I was with him, I kept excusing his behavior to everyone around me, when inside, I knew that they were right. When I finally broke with him, I had a hellish time NOT calling him. Not because I loved him (I knew I didn't); not because he had any redeeming qualities; it was because I'd formed a habit of him.

After I broke up with him, a guy of my acquaintance put it to me this way:

"No man is worth the stress."

(For you men out there, the same goes for women.)

[ArenaBoy]

Yeah, I know. I'm physically ill with the whole situation. I've dropped 3 pant sizes in 3 weeks. I know it's crippling me. With how much it hurts, it has to be.

If it's that bad, GET OUT NOW! You do not deserve this. He is not worth it at all, the writing on the wall was with the bachelor parties IMO. You need to get out of this now, it's affecting you mentally, emotionally, and worst of all; physically.




I just don't know anymore guys...

Again, get out. And here's a little bit of info: Do you want to know what I say to my friends when they reach your point and say that? I tell them to grow some stones and do what they have to do. It may be hard but once it's done it feels a lot better. Yes things will suck but they will get better. People complain too much that they want their problems to end, but as Oasis once said, "You gotta make it happen." Once you get past that point things will get easier.

We're here for you, and don't forget it.

[crazylegs]

Snap,

I was where you are now three months ago, my GF opened my mail, she read through my phone, she demanded to know where I was at all time, there was no trust. (we are now no longer together)

You can do so much better then this idiot, there should be no guilt, shame or any other negative emotion, you have been driven to extremem measures by a shameful excuse of a human who doesn't deserve to share your life with them.

The only way this situation will improve is if you walk away, unfortunately no one else can make that happen, walking away from my GF was incredibly difficult, she would text/phone up to ten times a day telling me first how much she loved me then how much her life was better without me then how we can make it work, she was manipulative, conniving and bitter, much like the man in your life.

Please, walk away from him, it seems hard, it seems scary, I won't lie to you, it is both of those, but this relationship will not get better, and staying with him sounds like the worse option to me.

Stay Safe

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I just don't know anymore guys...

Yeah, you do, Honey. Yeah you do. That's why you are so upset.

I have been where you are and believe me, I understand. It really, really hurts.

But you have to do it. Get out of this situation. The more you delay, the worse it will be.

[morgana]

Yeah, you do, Honey. Yeah you do. That's why you are so upset.

I have been where you are and believe me, I understand. It really, really hurts.

But you have to do it. Get out of this situation. The more you delay, the worse it will be.

And you will wake up in ten years, or fifteen, or eighteen, and hate yourself for not listening to your friends and getting out. Don't do it, hon. Don't do what I did.

He isn't going to change. It isn't going to get better. You know what you have to do. You have to save yourself.

We're here for you. :hug:

[blas]

And until you can get yourself to do what you feel is right, whether it be leaving him or not, you need to take all measures to protect your property and privacy from invasion!

So kill two birds with one stone. Have a long hard think about what you're going to do. While you do it, change your passwords, if possible, lock your phone, if that's not possible don't let him even see it (if he demands to see it and has your arm, get a hold of Mysty or myself on tips of how to break wrists), orangize everything so that you can have proof he was going through your stuff.....

[SnapAddict218]

And until you can get yourself to do what you feel is right, whether it be leaving him or not, you need to take all measures to protect your property and privacy from invasion!

So kill two birds with one stone. Have a long hard think about what you're going to do. While you do it, change your passwords, if possible, lock your phone, if that's not possible don't let him even see it (if he demands to see it and has your arm, get a hold of Mysty or myself on tips of how to break wrists), orangize everything so that you can have proof he was going through your stuff.....

Aw yeah, but I've never felt the need to hide my things. Even the phone when texting...I guess because I never took any of it seriously I never thought to protect myself. Thats where I made the biggest mistake I think. All of this was story time, fiction plucked from my head because there were things that I needed to get out. Things that are quite bad to come across if you are the significant other! I've never hid anything before, I never thought I needed to keep my life under lock and key. I knew what I was doing LOOKED bad from the start, and I knew there would be problems if it ever surfaced. Stupid me mistakenly thought that there were private thoughts I could have with out having them splayed out. I guess not.

I'd be just a furious if I were to find that kind of corrispondance between him and another person-I was pretty furious when I found out some other things too...but I realize that there are parts of a person that need to be kept to themself...eh I probably don't make any fucking sense. Thats my problem.

[crazylegs]

Even without the need to hide things you still shouldn't have to put up with people rooting through your life. This thread is making want to reach out and give you a decent hug, sit you down on a chair and let you talk away, and while I can't do that, this is perhaps the next best thing.

You are the most important person in your life, your health and your well being must always come first, please make sure you do that.

Stay Safe

[SnapAddict218]

Even without the need to hide things you still shouldn't have to put up with people rooting through your life.


This leads me to my next question: How long has he been snooping around? Until I started writing back and forth to this guy, there was nothing that I "should" be hiding. This is why it's such a bad situation. His trust in me suffered a blow, after finding out that I was exchanging words with this guy, and that I continued to do it even after he found out and became angry. My trust in him suffered a blow after I discovered that my privacy had been repeatedly raped. He's got to get over the thought that I'm cheating on him (and I can't blame him for thinking that, even though I'm not) and I've got to get past the privacy issue.

That is what I'm not sure about.

[sportsmom]

I have to go with everyone else and say that it is time to get out of this ... NOW. I know it's scary and hard, but it must be done. You are getting nothing out of this relationship and it is causing you to wither away both physically and emotionally.

No one in the world is allowed to treat you the way he is. He has proven on more than one occasion that your needs are never going to be met in this relationship.

It is time to forget about him and worry about you. Fuck his needs and his desire to spy on you, you need to do what you need for you. He can go soak his head and jump off a bridge while you pack your shit and get out. It is time to move on.

Move on and do not look back, you are better than this. :hug::hug::hug:

[blas]

I'm not suggesting to take your belongings and hide them in a storage unit or something that rash. Here's an idea of what I mean:

If he's rummaging through your clothes, fold your pants a certain way. Take a piece of paper and fold it up like a note. Stick it in the butt pucket of one of your pairs of jeans. Stack your jeans and put that pair with the note in it underneath another pair. So if he's rummaging, he'll have to DIG to get to that pair and dig into the pocket. Wait a day and if the paper is gone, then he went through it.

Or, organize your underwear a certain way. Rainbow color order, seperate thongs from granny panties, etc etc. Do not disrupt how you arranged them when you pick a new pair every day (take a mental picture of how YOU left it when you last saw it). If you open your drawer and see them all messy and tossed about, you'll know he went through it.

Stick little "notes" in your shoes or jacket. See if they are still there the next day.

That's all I'm suggesting. Not hiding your stuff, not trying to make you paranoid, just giving advice on how to PROVE that he truly has been going through your stuff so that you can throw it in his face if he denies it or tries to justify digging for blank notes or rummaging through your panties.

[Eireann]

With all due respect to blas, I don't see the need for these little traps. You know he's been going through your things. That's all you need to know. You know what's good for you, even though you've been denying it to yourself for a very long time. You know that this situation is extremely harmful for you. It could easily turn into physical abuse. He's already abusing you emotionally - yes, hon, he is. Abuse doesn't have to be a raised fist. Insults, name-calling, constant putdowns, ignoring your needs, refusing to communicate, all these are forms of abuse. It's time to stop excusing his behavior, and time to take responsibility for your own life. You excuse your own behavior by pointing the finger at him. This isn't healthy. You know that texting another man, and not stopping when the texts became sexual in nature, is not what a person does in a healthy relationship. And it's not going to make the relationship improve in any way. You did it to spite him, to show him that you are attractive to other men, but it didn't create the reaction that you were looking for. It never does. Whatever his problems are, and it looks like he has a load of them, it's also time for you to take a good, long look at your own behavior and assess it. Why do you stay in a relationship that is clearly so bad for you? Why do you constantly make excuses for your boyfriend and for yourself? Why do you think it's all right for you to seek attention from another man when you're still involved with your boyfriend? Why do you feel it necessary to use passive-aggressive tactics in your dealings with these two men?

The problem isn't just your boyfriend, or this other man. The problem is the part of you that doesn't allow you to get involved in healthy, open, communicative relationships. It doesn't change simply because you kick someone to the curb. That's why I suggest counseling so strongly. The pattern will only repeat itself with any other man until you allow yourself to be who you are, as you are, which then will cause you to bring healthy people into your life.

[kibbles]

Just my opinion, but I don't think it's fair to say that it could easily turn into physical abuse because the trust is gone, that's a big assumption IMO. It looks as if the trust is totally gone on both sides, and for good reasons on both sides. You need to decide if the trust can be built back or if it's worth the effort to try again.

JMO of course.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Stick little "notes" in your shoes or jacket. See if they are still there the next day.




God, what a way to have to live. This is a great idea, by the way. If I was ever in a position, God forbid, to have to resort to this, the note would say "Don't fall asleep, c:censored:cksucker, because the first time you do your dick will get super glued to your leg."

:mad:

I've got a pretty short fuse when it comes to shit boyfriends.

Please, please, please listen to Eireanne.

[Amethyst Hunter]

I’m left with 3 choices: It’s either back to suffocating pieces of me into submission, drinking the splitting agony away when I can’t ignore it; hoping that my boyfriend recognizes that this acting out is but a cry for help; or continuing this “emotional affair” to prevent myself from withering up any dying (but having to live with the guilt). I suppose the other option is that I could leave. I haven’t settled on whether or not I want to.


What everyone else said. LEAVE HIM. ASAP. If you don't, and keep burying your pain (see above bolded bits), it WILL destroy you, one way or another.

I also think that this has the potential to turn even uglier on his side as far as violent retaliation in the future goes. Don't wait until it gets to that point. Emotional abuse is bad enough. You deserve better.

:hug: :hug:

[iradney]

Snaps

I've been in a similar situation. I needed hugs, and to be told that I was a good girlfriend. I needed cuddles and playfulness and attention. I didn't get them.
I stayed with the guy for nearly 3 years because
a) I thought I loved him
b) I was petrified of having another failed relationship
c) I was used to him.

But I left him. And 6 months later, I met TTO. The love of my life. Who wasn't very much of an emotional-displays person. But he knew I needed it, so he would give it to me.

The point I'm trying to make here, is if someone loves you, really loves you, they will do their best to give you what you need. You need intellectual stimulation, appreciation and affection. He is not giving it to you.
You have asked for it. He point blank refuses.
That's not love.
That's not even like.
Hell, that's not even friendship.

You deserve better. You need to sit yourself down and examine yourself. Find out why you're staying with someone that makes you so unhappy. Is it familiarity? The fear of being alone?

We're here for you. But you need to make a choice that will better your life. Or you will go insane. *HUGS*

[Jester]

I tend to be verbose, and talk way too much. So let me get the basic theme of my thoughts on this out front right away, so you don't have to wonder where I'm going.

Get. The fuck. OUT!

Okay, now that I hopefully have your attention, Snap, please pay attention as I explain.

Everything I know about this fucknugget that you call your boyfriend is from things you have posted on this website. I have never met the guy, and so all of my opinions of him are based purely on your descriptions of his actions and his words. And being his girlfriend, you are obviously biased.....and very well are probably trying to at least somewhat accentuate the positive things about him. Now, I have no doubt that there are some positive things about this guy. Hell, even the worst girlfriends I ever had had SOME positive things going for them.

All that being said, my opinion of this guy is that he is a narcissistic, controlling, dominating, selfish, mean, stupid, cowardly, insensitive, ignorant, uncaring, unloving, hateful and almost definitely unfaithful jackass. And yes, I said unfaithful. I have very little doubt he is or has cheated on you, again based on what YOU say. The parties you've told us about, the fact that he displays virtually no interest in you, the ridiculous level of distrust he has for you, etc., etc., etc. Generally speaking, when someone is that distrustful of their partner, it is because they themselves are not trustworthy. In other words, they think the other one is cheating because they know they themselves are. And yes, I know, you said that lately he has been somewhat better, kissing you the way a woman should be kissed. This is not passion for you he's showing. It's him marking his territory, his possession, his property. Him doing what he can to keep you in your place, which is wherever he decides you should be. It's a crock of shit.

Everything you say about how he acts towards you tells me that he doesn't care about you, doesn't love you, won't listen to you, doesn't bother hearing a word you say, won't compromise, doesn't trust you, and probably flat out doesn't even LIKE you. He keeps you around for some reason, probably a bit of pride and male ego, but mostly for control. He is controlling you, and you are letting him.

And this makes me angry. Very very angry. And usually when I get angry, I want to go find the offending party and break bones he didn't know he had.

But not this time. See, even if I knew where you lived, and could get there, I wouldn't. Because it wouldn't teach you what you need to know. Nor would him getting run over by a neighbor's thresher. It would be satisfying, but it wouldn't tell you what you need to know. What you already know, actually, but won't admit to yourself. That being that it's not him that needs to change--he won't.

It's YOU.

To quote John Connor from the movie Rising Sun:
"The Japanese have a saying, "Fix the problem, not the blame." Find out what's fucked up and fix it. Nobody gets blamed. We're always after who fucked up. Their way is better. "

You can blame him all you want. But he is not the problem. Your acceptance of his behavior is.

And let's get something out of the way right now. You keep harping on what you did with the other man with the text messages. Great. You did that. But you know why you did that? Because your boyfriend is a fucking cold-hearted asshole who wouldn't give you the time of day, let alone some much-needed love or affection!

So yes, I am angry.

I am angry at men who treat good women so poorly. They make people like me, good, honest, decent men, want to beat their heads against the wall because despite their best efforts, they can't find a woman worth a fuck. Because all of the women worth a fuck are either with a guy who cares about them (not your boyfriend) or are for some unfathomable reason with an asshole fucktrumpet that treats them like shit. (THAT would be your boyfriend.)

I am angry at your boyfriend who acts like this. You can talk about your text messages till you're blue in the face, but his behavior created that need in your heart and your head, and his behavior afterwards was even worse, showing that he not only doesn't care about you, he only cares about controlling you.

I am angry at women who put up with this shit, and then whine and complain how there are no decent men out there, or that all men are pigs or dogs. These women are as much to blame as the men who treat them like shit, and frankly, I am sick to death of it. There ARE decent men out there, but when these women insist on staying with the same assholes that are causing their misery, or just as bad, leaving them for another man who acts exactly the same way, they have no one to blame but themselves.

And yes, Snap, I am angry at you. You are a decent, intelligent, vibrant, nice, witty, funny, and I imagine rather sexy woman....and you are wasting your life, your talent, and what you have left of your heart on this absolute piece of garbage that you refer to as your boyfriend.

Despite what some people think, I know that in your heart you love this man. And that is the damnable misery of the whole thing. You can't see beyond your feelings for him to witness the truth of the matter that he isn't worth your blood, sweat, and tears.

Despite what Hollywood says, darlin', love DOESN'T conquer all. Your shitbag boyfriend isn't going to change. The problem isn't going to change. There is only one variable that can change in this whole equation: you. And I DON'T mean changing to be a better girlfriend. I mean getting your damned ass OUT of that so-called relationship. Because, you see, the problem isn't your boyfriend. He is but a symptom of it. The problem is YOU. Your decision to stay with him, and your belief that this relationship can one day be a healthy one.

If you would read the posts you have posted as if they were from someone else, you would clearly see the problem. And you need to do that. Because your love is blinding you to what, down deep, you know is the truth.

You know what the problem is. Fix it.

Now, some people may think it is a bit harsh for me to be mad at Snap. But how can I not be? How can the rest of you not be? This is not a flame, nor a personal attack on Snap. Please, no one take it as such. I firmly believe that Snap needs to understand the frustration so many of us have with this whole thing. There are times people need to be coddled, but this is NOT one of them.

And if some of you get mad at me for saying all this, fine. Be mad. Hate me. Go nuts. I always reserve the right to be horribly wrong. For all I know, my opinions on this could be way off base. But they are just that....my opinions. Based on personal interaction with people, good and bad, and with experiencing and observing relationships, good and bad. And it is my opinion that I'm doing everything I can do from a computer hundreds of miles away to help this woman get her life back. If you want to hate me for that, have at it.

Snap, you seem like a great girl. You really do. But you have it in your hands to solve this problem of yours, and you seem very reluctant to even consider the possibility of doing so. The choice is yours. You can either continue going around in circles with your boyfriend, or you can get out of a bad situation that can only get worse.

You know what the problem is.

Fix it.

[iradney]

I gotta say, at the price of being booed, Jester is right.
Snaps, love does not fix everything. If it did, there would be no abusive marriages, people would quit drinking and drugs just like that and all the fluffy feel good stuff.

You've asked for what you needed. You've been denied everytime. You give him what he needs. You've never denied him. This is a one-sided relationship. Give and take doesn't mean one person gives, and the other takes.

Love is about being there for someone. No matter what. It's about respect, trust, passion, fun, mutual interests, feeling fuzzy in the stomach when you look at them.

Do you wake up in the morning, roll over, look at him, and just get this fierce wave of love that makes you feel you could do anything for this man?
Does he do the same?

You need to get out, Snap.

[Lil Bunny]

*Hugs* Nothing more than that (specially since I'm on the list). You have my message and my number, use either as you see fit m'kay?

We'll get ya through this, I promise. :)

[ArenaBoy]

Please, listen to Jester and Eireann. They both have great points. The writing on the wall I think was with the bachelor parties. You've told us your story and asked for your suggestion and I'm going to say it again. GET THE FUCK OUT. Seriously. You're becoming physically ill from this like you said. When it gets that bad you need to get out. And like Jester said I am angry at men who treat good women so poorly. They make people like me, good, honest, decent men, want to beating their heads against the wall because despite their best efforts, they can't find a woman worth a fuck. Because all of the women worth a fuck are either with a guy who cares about them or are for some unfathomable reason with an asshole fucktrumpet that treats them like shit.

I am angry at your boyfriend who acts like this. You can talk about your text messages till you're blue in the face, but his behavior created that need in your heart and your head, and his behavior afterwards was even worse, showing that he not only doesn't care about you, he only cares about controlling you.

I am angry at women who put up with this shit, and then whine and complain how there are no decent men out there, or that all men are pigs or dogs. These women are as much to blame as the men who treat them like shit, and frankly, I am sick to death of it. There ARE decent men out there, but when these women insist on staying with the same assholes that are causing their misery, or just as bad, leaving them for another man who acts exactly the same way, they have no one to blame but themselves.

Don't make anymore excuses. It doesn't matter if he's cute, your family likes him, your friends like him, and all that. It comes down to you. And you matter most. Forget about him. It will suck at first but it gets better, but like I said YOU gotta make it happen.

[flicksgirl]

I don't comment much on here I am a bit of a lurker but This post just made me want to cry and then SMACK someone.
I spent 6 years married to a guy just like this. We have been apart for a year now and I still have second thoughts everyday, but I know I am better off. After I got out people actually came up to me and said, "god your so happy now", or "its so nice to see you smile and laugh again". You may think your in love still hun but really your just comfortable
I am so impressed by all the things people have said to you here.
You have to be strong and you have to realize that your emotional wellbeing is as important as your physical.
I can say from experience..GET OUT!!
Your in a toxic relationship, your escaping into a cyber fantasy world because the world your living in sucks. Its hard but its time to sit down and think about this. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling like you do right now?
Good luck, and blessings.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Jester...wow...

You are an amazing man. You certainly spoke my thoughts, and spoke them better than I ever could.

I would also like to point out the fact, Snaps, that you said your family likes him. Your mother likes him.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and venture a guess that your parents are also products of this fucked up situation where over the top whore parties are acceptable behavior. Please understand I mean no disrepect for your family, but you might consider that if your own mother thinks the way this guy treats you is acceptable, she may have raised you to believe on some level that that is how men act, and how they treat women. She might think this is normal. This sort of thing tends to be a vicious cycle.

You may on some level think this stuff is normal, how he treats you is normal and what all women have to put up with. Please believe me when I tell you it is not and we don't. While you are wasting your time with this situation, you are missing out on some wonderful men who could really rock your world and give you happiness you never imagined might be possible for you.

Your man is out there, and he rocks. Don't risk passing him by. "Do not lose the substance by grasping at the shadow." Or something like that.

[Talon]

Well said Jester. Tell me something: are people's first impressions of you are that of a slightly crazy joker, but those who know you think you're the sanest person in the world? My closest friend once described me that way, just wondering.

Back on topic, some on this thread have implied the b/f might become physically abusive. He's already showing a lot of telltale signs. Snap you should be able to answer this one: Does he take issue with other people you're close to? People in your life you've known longer than he? People who have a positive influence on you? Does he try to isolate you from them?

Think about it. You draw strength and confidence from family and friends, so it's one of an abuser's primary targets. Their ultimate objectives are to convince you it's YOUR fault when they beat you, that you're nothing without the relationship, and deprive you of resources to leave the relationship when you finally come to your senses.

So if your answer to my question is yes, then that's also the answer to whether or not he'll become physically abusive.

The Terminator said this once: "It's in your nature to destroy yourselves." We're all hoping you'll prove him wrong.

[SnapAddict218]

I'll get around to writing more later-I'm nursing one hell of a hangover and I gotta get the house picked up for company. UH! Anyway, first off..Jester. Wow hun. I'm not mad at you! I don't want ANYONE here to get upset with the things you told to me. I need to hear that, and I needed it to be yelled at me! I'm still not sure whats going on. We had it out something bad, and I think, for the first time ever he's realized that there are things that he can not ignore. I don't know if he understands it, but I think I finally made him aware of the situation. Wether or not he chooses to help me out, I'm certain that he knows he cannot deny my needs any longer. Uh. I need more coffee and breakfast. I've not been eating but a meal aday lately and I am STARVED!!!

I really want to thank you all for letting me say what I need to say, and thank you for telling me your honest opinions. Lil Bunny, cat painting sounds fun. I might give you a jingle!!

[SnapAddict218]

Does he take issue with other people you're close to? People in your life you've known longer than he? People who have a positive influence on you? Does he try to isolate you from them?


Actually no, he doesn't. Because the people that he's known longer than me are so important to him...if he were to have issue with my pals from highschool, then *I* might have a leg to stand on and have issue with HIS pals. It's complicated...but it's all about seniority. The oldest friends rank higher on the scale. He just has issue when someone noticies that I'm not a dumpy fishwife and lets me know this. It's a macho thing, I can see that now. But like I told him the other night, HE could be the one to throw me a compliment. As you guys have seen, I'm not that hard to please....if other people notice my figure or my smile or my personality and I melt and HE gets mad...that can only tell me that he's jealous. If he'd just give it a shot..he'd see that I really don't need that much...

Does that make sense?

[Jester]

Damn it. I had promised myself I wouldn't comment on this any further, but I feel I have to. After this, I am silent on this whole issue.

If he'd just give it a shot..he'd see that I really don't need that much...

You need more than he is capable of ever giving you. We all see that.

Why can't you?

To those bringing up the prospect of physical abuse: at this point in the so-called relationship, I really don't see that it matters. Is he going to beat her? Isn't he? It is a moot point, as his lack of caring for her is obvious, as is the toxic nature of their association. I am not in any way trying to downplay physical abuse, as I find it utterly abhorrent and repulsive. But one underlying message of the posts about it seem to be that if it ISN'T physical abuse or about to be so, then maybe the "relationship" is salvageable.

It isn't.

Not for Snap's needs. Whether or not she'll come to that realization, I cannot say.

Snap, him meeting your needs is impossible. It is just as impossible as you finding contentment in his continuing to ignore you. Can you do that? You seem to say you can't. So why do you think HE can change the way HE is any more than YOU can?

And that is all I am going to say. I have spoken my mind, and made myself as clear as I am capable of making myself. After this, nothing I add will make one bit of difference. I have said what I said. I can't DO anything. Only you can do something about it, Snap.

You know what the problem is.

For the love of all that is holy on heaven and earth, for the love of your sanity, and for the love of your happiness, for god's sake, for your OWN sake woman--

FIX IT!

[SnapAddict218]

I heart you, Jester.

[Eireann]

Jester's right. Emotional morons like this guy just don't get it. I had to kick a guy to the curb recently because he, like your boyfriend, just didn't get it. (Unlike your boyfriend, we weren't involved. I thought we were friends, but he doesn't know the meaning of the word.)

The thing is, with people like these, they have NO emotional depth. Zero. They don't understand other people's emotions. They can't. Just as you can't explain color to someone blind from birth, you can't explain your emotions to someone who is, basically, emotionless.

Snaps, you can't ever make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. People don't change. They do not. Ever. They may change their behavior for a while, but who they are will never alter. And putting your needs aside just for a crumb or two of attention from an emotional moron is psychological suicide.

Another thing. I'm worried that you're making this board a part of your vicious life circle. You and your boyfriend are doing better, and you post something upbeat. Then he goes into ignore mode, and suddenly you crash and burn and post long stories with "fuck you" and other insults directed at your boyfriend. Then several of us respond to your post, you make excuses for what's going on, you get good advice, you make more excuses, and so it goes.

So where's the positive change in that? You know you have support. You know what has to be done to change your life for the better. Here's something you REALLY need to know:

NOBODY IS COMING TO SAVE YOU.

Yes, that's right. No new man is going to ride in on his white horse, sweep you up, and ride you far away from the ogre into an enchanted kingdom. Nobody is going to drop by when you're crying your eyes out over something he's done, and wave a magic wand to make things better. The responsibility, and the strength, are yours and yours alone. It doesn't mean that you are alone; I hope you know that you're not. It means that YOU have the power to change things for the better. YOU have the right to get what you want out of life. YOU have the right to be healthy and happy.

YOU have the right to stop lying to yourself and to others.

It's all down to YOU. Not him. He doesn't enter this equation. It's YOU. It always has been, it always will be.

There is absolutely no reason why you should be here. Are you punishing yourself for something? What is in your past that has led you to believe that you deserve nothing more than an emotional cesspool with a man who will never understand you?

Another important thing is that though you refuse to see it now, the way things are with you and your boyfriend is FAR worse than it'll be without him. We stay in the most rotten situations because we think that things will be worse if we try to change. Nope, it doesn't work that way. As soon as we make the change, things get better. It's not easy. It's not instamagic. It's hard, it takes work, and you'll have to deal with unpleasant truths that you are now trying to drink away (another thing that worries me immensely; not only extreme denial, but alcohol. That's a HORRIBLE combination).

But it does get better, as opposed to staying, which will never improve.

And like I said, I've been there. In ways that I hope you will never know.

[blas]

I would also like to comment that my suggestions were not to make a woman live in fear and paranoia. I am a big believer in proof. As much as I do believe that Snap's idiot boyfriend goes through her stuff, if she were to confront him, she'd need proof so he couldn't bluff anymore. It's like a set up. Sure, set ups are cheap and immature. But it's a GOOD way to get the proof you need.

I do not advocate staying with abusive men nor living in paranoia. I was simply suggesting good ways that she can totally prove in front of this asswipe's face what he has been doing, going through her shit. Her words vs his won't be enough. He needs to be made to feel like the piece of shit he truly is!

By the way, the offer of breaking his wrist still stands......

And to Jester......:worship:

Just so everyone doesn't go thinking I'm advocating that she stay in this miserable relationship and live even more paranoid and scared. If she's going to come out on top, she needs proof (even though she knows the truth, he can still lie and cover it up and bluff!) and the more proof you have, the better you look. He'll end up feeling like a pile of dog shit.

[Saydrah]

I'm late to this party and I don't really know you at all, Snaps, but hon, listen to all these good people- leave the jerk, and learn to be okay by yourself. Reading your posts I see someone who isn't so much concerned about leaving THIS man but about being alone. You are not going to die alone. Clearly someone else is interested in you- though you shouldn't take up with him, either. The sort who takes advantage of and sexualizes your vulnerable state due to an awful relationship is not the sort you want in your life.

You can never be okay in a relationship until you're okay alone. You need to live on your own, be on your own, make some girl friends, maybe some gay male friends, and hang out with people who want intelligence, communication, and friendship from you- nothing more. Get some hobbies, volunteer for something or other, go on a vacation. Get some counseling and find out what's making you feel like you need someone like this in your life. I'm not a psychologist (though I have taken a bunch of psych classes) but it sounds to me like you are repeating an early trauma over and over- I have a particularly weird thing from my first serious relationship that I repeat constantly until I realize I'm doing it and stop.

Oh, and read this:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=30928

See how ridiculous that first letter writer's relationship sounds? How you can't believe she's still in that relationship?

Yeah, that's what this looks like from the outside. It's not your fault- you can't see things the same way when you're living them, no one can, but someday you'll look back on this and think about how silly you were to stay with him so long.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

[QUOTE=Saydrah;224851]

You can never be okay in a relationship until you're okay alone.

QUOTE]

Damn, there are some smart people on this site. ;) Well put, and totally, totally true.

[Jester]

You need to live on your own, be on your own, make some girl friends, maybe some gay male friends, and hang out with people who want intelligence, communication, and friendship from you- nothing more.

And straight male friends who are just hanging out with you for you.

Yes, they do exist.

And to those who think they don't? That every guy that hangs out with you is either gay or wants to have sex with you?

To those people I have two words, that are NOT Happy Birthday. They are, however, very short:

Fuck you.

[ThePhoneGoddess]

Jester, all this wonderful advice you're giving snaps is causing me to develop a huge, geeky crush on you. http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/liebe/love-smiley-011.gif

[Saydrah]

And straight male friends who are just hanging out with you for you.

Yes, they do exist.

And to those who think they don't? That every guy that hangs out with you is either gay or wants to have sex with you?

To those people I have two words, that are NOT Happy Birthday. They are, however, very short:

Fuck you.

Naw, it ain't that they don't exist. That describes... uh.... all my friends who aren't gay. It's that I don't know if someone just getting out of a relationship like this one can tell the difference effectively between 'straight man who does a really good understanding friend impression but really just wants in your pants' and 'straight man who actually IS a good friend.'

[Jester]

Jester, all this wonderful advice you're giving snaps is causing me to develop a huge, geeky crush on you. http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/liebe/love-smiley-011.gif

I'm single, I'm a magician, I cook, I don't cheat, and I live on a tropical island paradise.

Trust me, you don't want a crush on me. No good can come of it. :D

[ThePhoneGoddess]

I'm single, I'm a magician, I cook, I don't cheat, and I live on a tropical island paradise.

Trust me, you don't want a crush on me. No good can come of it. :D


Don't worry, it's just a message board crush. I'll read all your posts, laugh hysterically at your jokes, and back you up whenever people take sides. And I'll prolly get over it in a month or two. But damn, you give great advice!




:whistle: Nothing to see here, move along, folks.

[Rubyred]

Snap...him digging through your things has nothing to do with trust....if he's doing it now then he always has been. It's him being too insecure with himself to realize that you wouldn't actually cheat on/leave him.

I have been in that situation and I back up everyone else when they say it is only going to get worse.

I stayed with my ex for 3 1/2 years (I was a stupid kid) with people telling me that I needed to leave him. I kept making excuse after excuse for his emotionally abusive behavior until the day he finally crossed the line to physical abuse and I walked out on him and never looked back. 4 years later I am with the most amazing man I have ever met in my life and I couldn't be happier.

I'm not saying that what happened in my situation will definately happen in yours (the bad part at least...you will find the man of your dreams wether he is that person or not) but remember..insecurity feeds on itself..that part will definately get worse over time.

It's going to be incredibly hard but you need to at least distance youself from him enough that you can get your thoughts straight without him affecting them. If you truly are meant to be with him things will work themselves out eventually but it sounds like the best thing to do at this point is walk away..even if it's only temporary.

I wish you the best and I hope that he wakes up and realizes what he would be losing if he keeps up like this because you sound like an awesome girl. Stay strong.

[Jester]

Don't worry, it's just a message board crush. I'll read all your posts, laugh hysterically at your jokes, and back you up whenever people take sides. And I'll prolly get over it in a month or two. But damn, you give great advice!

Damn! You could have let my ego float along for at least a little while longer than that, woman! :lol:

[ThePhoneGoddess]

http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/liebe/love-smiley-015.gif Your ego is plenty big!

[SnapAddict218]

Ha ha I love you guys! Anyhoo, last night I changed a few passwords. I also made a new file on the computer with all my passwords and user names-HOWEVER this new file does NOT contain the updated passwords, AND I titled it something that has nothing to do with pass words. The orginal pass word file still exists, only when you open it up it's blank because I deleated it all. I was going to put a snarky message on there, but I figured the blank document would get the message across. Now, when he goes to access my myspace he'll discover that my password has changed. When he digs out the file to get the new password, he'll discover that there isn't anything there. If he comments on it, I'll know he's been snooping again. So he probably won't. Also, last night I realized that there are some people missing from my friends list. Hmmm.

I know there are guys out there that can be friends with out wanting to touch my boobies. Most of my friends are guys, and to be honest, I'm more at east with the fellas anyway. There's always room for one more-JESTER!!!!

I can see him being the type to have always snooped. Now that I've caught him in the act, it would not surprise me to find out that he's been spying on me for ever. It's just a shame that he couldn't spend that kind of engery on getting me to smile. I supposed if he had, I wouldn't get distracted by handsome fellas with silver togunes. Makes me wish now that I had been the harpie bleeding she-beast that I really wanted to be after finding out how these guys party. I put my foot down on a few things and it was never followed, and yet, by GOD if I do something bad then damn me to hell.

I cannot afford to move anywhere at the moment you guys. I mean I absolutly cannot afford it. I've been meaning to get a second job anyway, as I'm having a hard time keeping food on my table. A second job would give me extra money for a variety of things. Also, though I have my photography, I've also been wanting to take on somemore hobbies. I miss the theater, so I'm looking into voulenteer ops with the playhouse in omaha. I long to dance, and I'm looking to belly and tap lessons. Again-second job=more money. I want to make art and listen to music, I want to enjoy beautiful things....I think if I just dive in to it, It will clear my head so that I can get my witts about me and do what I need to do.

[blas]

Snap, I have an empty bedroom. I'm still scared about doing the roomate thing again after what happened last time, but I have a feeling you're not the type to do the sort of thing my last roomate did. All utilities are free. Even heat. I'll split it all with you, only $300 per month it would be for you. I sleep all day during the week and spend all weekend with my bf, so you'd have your own personal space. My only rule would be that you don't bring strangers and drugs in the apartment and clean up after yourself :)

I've been buying food in bulk and paying my own way for so long, it really wouldn't be a big deal if I bought all the food for a few months while you got back on your feet. I could easily get you a job where I work.

[Pedersen]

Ha ha I love you guys! Anyhoo, last night I changed a few passwords. I also made a new file on the computer with all my passwords and user names-HOWEVER this new file does NOT contain the updated passwords, AND I titled it something that has nothing to do with pass words.

Hey, Snap, I have a better suggestion for you than this. You're going to like it, I think.

First, go and get a USB thumb drive/pen drive/flash drive/whatever name you want to give to it. The bigger the better, but a cheap little 256MB (<$20) will do the job nicely for these purpose.

Once you've got it, install this program on your machine, and read the documentation on how to use it: TrueCrypt (http://www.truecrypt.org/). Ask me questions, either in this thread, or PM me, I don't care. I'll help you out with it.

Basically, you'll use TrueCrypt to encrypt the entire flash drive. All data on it will be protected by a single password that only you know. Caveat: Forget that password, forget the data. As far as the general public is able to discern, even the NSA is unable to crack that encryption.

Once you've encrypted the entire drive, get some applications installed to it. Here's some links to help you get started:


Portable Firefox, to browse the web. (http://portableapps.com/apps/internet/firefox_portable)
Pidgin, for instant messaging (http://portableapps.com/apps/internet/pidgin_portable)
Thunderbird, for email (http://portableapps.com/apps/internet/thunderbird_portable)
OpenOffice.org, for handling any docs, spreadsheets, etc (http://portableapps.com/apps/office/openoffice_portable)
Portable Applications, for finding other apps you might like to put there (http://portableapps.com/)


Once you've installed them, shut down True Crypt, remove the drive, and take it with you. When you want to go back online, plug the drive in, start up True Crypt, and use those apps.

Never ever ever leave that drive in his hands for so much as a single second. Never leave it where he can get it, or find it. It's yours, and your private space. Use it wisely.

Oh, and if you like, you can change around your instant messenger. I have my own IM server which connects to all of the IM services. You don't get all the features (file transfers, in particular), but you'll be able to IM back and forth all you wish. Plus, if you suspect he's been in your account, you can ask me, and I'll look into it for you, and tell you when the account was logged in. Let me know if you want more info on that.

Snaps, I know you don't know me really at all. But I've seen your posts, and what I see happening is heart breaking. Please, use some of the advice given above, and elsewhere in this thread. And feel free to ask me for help securing your stuff. We'll get you your space back, somehow. Even if only the digital space.

[Der Cute]

Snaps,

I could get on your computer and do searches for timestamped files created/modified within the last X days and find the new pw file you've created.

Go follow Pedersen's advice. And start saving the $ to get the fsck out of the place - if a guy can't trust himself, it spills out to you, work, life...you name it.

The way I know if I love someone is to ask myself : Can I spend the rest of my life with this person? Love just isnt the butterflies you get, it's the companionship, the fun, the crappy times, the whole spectrum of emotions. Could you spend extensive amount of time with this person, experiencing the whole shebang of emotions?

Or would you go partially insane about 2/3 of the way through? :)

If my gut says, No I cannot spend Life with Him....then it's a goodbye.

And yes, living on your own is hard.

I actually have suffered by living on my own. I was in my own little basement apartment for 10 years, 3 of them with someone...7 alone, but with a kitty. I enjoyed the time alone and away from humans - but when secluding myself, it's had a bad effect on my social skills. I think it was because it was a long interval in the basement apartment - gradually lost touch with society.

Now I'm living with a roommate in a different state, and although my kitty's gone, I'm learning to be by myself but more ...social...

Choices. It all boils down to choices.

Cutenoob

[SnapAddict218]

I've lived on my own before-I'm not afraid of it, I'm just stuck where I'm at currently. Being alone isn't scary (since I'm alone pretty much all the time anyway), it's not having the resources to keep my head above water that is scary.

The more I think about it, the more I think that I will be alright after all.

[morgana]

The more I think about it, the more I think that I will be alright after all.

Of course you will, dear. We won't let it be otherwise.

Oh and, Jester? Will you marry me? :worship:

[Jester]

Oh and, Jester? Will you marry me? :worship:

Oddly, not the first marriage proposal I have gotten on this site.....

[SnapAddict218]

Well I bought a flash drive today. I've been meaning to get one anyway so it worked out great. I can put it on my key ring, and it's loaded with all my most personal things-bits of writing, poetry, bill info and my newly revamed password key!! I changed all the pass words just a moment ago also so, woo! Things will be good.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I won't comment on the rest, since I think it's been adequately covered, but I'm glad that you are looking into some other things to do with your time. You need to do the things that make you happy...spending all your free time at home cleaning up and watching TV by yourself while you wait for him to come home is no way to live (long story short - I've been there, too...just me and Pablo and a book).

You will be OK. :hug:

[SnapAddict218]

Ha HA!! I've been keeping a very close eye on my browsing history. After I've finished with this site or my myspace, or if I need to leave the computer unattended for a bit, I delete them from the browsing history. This way when I return, if the history shows that certain sites have been visited, I know that I was not the one to do it. With only two people in our house, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who might have been on the computer. I know it's not the most sophisiticated method, but it works about as well as I can ask for.

I used my computer earlier today, and then went about my housework and what not. He asked if he could use the computer, and of course I said yes. I'm back on it now, and low and behold what did I find when I checked the browsing history (sorted by "order visited today")? Someone visited myspace.com and then accessed my password file. This was sammiched between a string of auction and farm machinery sites-sites that he frequents.

What's this tell me? Well, if I wasnt on the computer....and he was....it appears to me that *someone* tried to log into my myspace, and when the password didn't work, they checked the document that contained my pass words. Sadly for them, all the pass words had been replaced with the single word "fin". Now I'm wishing I would have left a snarky note where the passwords had previously been.

I'm currently undecided as to wether or not to casually ask him if I had any new messages on myspace...or make some other casual comment to let him know that I know that he's still digging around....what do you guys say???

[SnapAddict218]

Oh hell! Update! If the browsing history wasnt enough, I just went to myspace.com-to check for messages from another member here and I was greeted with a giant red banner "You must be logged in to do that!!

Hmmmmmm.

[Pedersen]

Snap, I said it before, and I'll say it again: Use Portable Firefox (http://portableapps.com/apps/internet/firefox_portable). Don't use Internet Explorer. Install Portable Firefox (http://portableapps.com/apps/internet/firefox_portable) on your flash drive, and use just Portable Firefox (http://portableapps.com/apps/internet/firefox_portable) for all your web browsing. Delete your passwords from your computer. Delete any bookmarks from it. Store everything in Portable Firefox (http://portableapps.com/apps/internet/firefox_portable) which you have, already, installed on your flash drive.

And make sure to take that drive with you at all times. It never leaves your sight, not even when you're asleep.

You want to have privacy with him around? You've got to do this. Failure to change your habits will result in your complete loss of privacy.

Change. Now.

[Acolyte]

Jester, all this wonderful advice you're giving snaps is causing me to develop a huge, geeky crush on you. http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/liebe/love-smiley-011.gif

Hell, I'm a straight guy probably a few years younger then Jester who hates the tropics and doesn't like magic tricks, and I'm developing an E-crush, albiet in a more platonic way.

I can't offer any advice on my own, so I'll just say that, in lieu of reading a big long post of mine offering advice, just read the ones already posted. They say it way better then I can.

[Jester]

Hell, I'm a straight guy probably a few years younger then Jester who hates the tropics and doesn't like magic tricks, and I'm developing an E-crush, albiet in a more platonic way.

I don't know whether to be embarrassed or offended. :lol:

As far as age, who knows? I'm 37 going on 12....please don't remind me that I am but two and a half years from being *horrors!* forty. Ugh. I can't even type it without pausing momentarily in shock. :cry:

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I'm currently undecided as to wether or not to casually ask him if I had any new messages on myspace...or make some other casual comment to let him know that I know that he's still digging around....what do you guys say???


No, don't let on. Don't play your hand out like that. It's better if he doesnt' suspect. If he suspects, he'll be more careful in trying to cover his tracks, but you don't want him wary. You want him complacent and sloppy, which makes it easier for you.

Always play your cards close to your chest.

[SnapAddict218]

Delete your passwords from your computer.

I have. And as soon as I can get some money, I'll be taking more steps.

Kinkoid-thanks. I was kind of thinking the same thing. I was tempted to say something when I found out he was deleting myspace friends, but I guess it's better to have all the ammo I can get.

[BookstoreEscapee]

If you need a little comic relief, you could always get one of these (http://ohgizmo.com/2006/12/13/usb-humping-dog-flash-drive/). :D

[Acolyte]

I don't know whether to be embarrassed or offended. :lol:

Hey, aside from those two bits, you're still awesome. :D

[Rapscallion]

I'm currently undecided as to wether or not to casually ask him if I had any new messages on myspace...or make some other casual comment to let him know that I know that he's still digging around....what do you guys say???

I say work on a plan to get out of there. He doesn't deserve you, sod him.

Rapscallion

[SnapAddict218]

Not only do I heart Jester, but I also heart Raps!!!

[morgana]

Not only do I heart Jester, but I also heart Raps!!!

Don't we all?

[Geek King]

I'm late to the party here, and have nothing to add to the advice front that hasn't already been said, so I'll just give everyone (esp. Jester) a "Hear! Hear!"

For your passwords, I could also suggest an alternative method if you have to have them written someplace. Write out a sentence where each word contains a letter of your password, like the second letter of every word is the next letter on your password. For added security, set it up so that any word that has fewer letters than you need indicates the end of your password. It would be almost impossible for anyone to figure out even if they got your file somehow.

Finally, DO SOMETHING DAMMIT Even if you don't throw him away outright, move out on your own away from him. Don't be around to to leave him comfortable. Make him work to keep you again. See if he cares enough to treat you right. You're a human being, and should be treated like one.

Yeah, I lied about the advice bit. Sue me. ;)

[protege]

Is *very* late to the party....but knows what the OP's situation is like. I dealt with that crap in college.

Freshman year, I was dating someone. Without boring you with all the details, it was good at the beginning. A few months later, she started having trust issues. It all started when I helped a female friend move from one dorm to another. I wasn't doing anything, and since I'm a nice guy, I helped her out. We loaded up our two cars (oddly enough, both were blue Toyotas), and carted her crap up the hill to the dorm. After that, there were a few hours to kill, so we hung out in the lounge and watched TV. Nothing more than that.

With that said, it was surprising to see my then-gf come storming into the lounge, and screaming at me :eek: :wtf: Turns out she got it in her head that I was cheating on her!

This, and having her follow me around campus...including one time at night...where I managed to lose her in the park by ducking into the shadows, freaked me out. Then the phone calls started--she'd call my room, and hang up when I answered. If I wasn't there, I got confronted about it later. In her mind, I hadn't gone out to eat, or to my grandmother's...but I was cheating on her.

But, the real kicker was after Christmas break. She spent the *entire* day sitting in my dorm's parking lot waiting for me to return. Did I mention it was snowing and well below zero (F)? Needless to say, I dumped her ass shortly after that.

Nearly 3 years went by before the next one. For awhile, that was great. But, after awhile it started going downhill. I treated her like gold...but she was almost cold in return. It became something of convenience.

What I can't figure out, is why do good people always have a hard time in relationships? Locally, most women seem to do what Jester said--they want the "nice guys," but end up dating the assholes, and then bitching about how there are "no nice guys in town." Yet, they won't look at the nice guys, because we aren't at the top of the 'appearance' scale, drive the wrong car, etc.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Protege, that's not a girlfriend. That's a stalker.

I'm serious. :(

[ParkingWitch]

Snaps,
You are the hero of your own life.

This means that you are the one in charge and cannot wait for someone else to make you happy. Do what is right for you. Be with positive poeple and not the emotion/energy vampires.

Having been in a similar situation my self I had to give myself a good mental shake and tell myself "I deserve better than this" and move on.

I wish you many good things and much happiness, and offer a shoulder to cry on when needed.

Blessed Be

[FuzzyKitten99]

So Snaps... because I am such a nosy person... anything new on the boyfriend front?

[morgana]

So, Snaps, any news for us? How are things going?