I'm SO frustrated with my best friend right now (long & ranty, personal stuff)

[Talon]

Hello all.

I don't usually post much since I got fired from the evil tv company. I'm back in school now, so not much in the way of sucky customer stories. But I don't know where else to go.

My best friend whom I'll call A also used to work for the same company, on the helpdesk. We met and became friends shortly before I got shown the door. She was very supportive of me during the aftermath. Since then she has become like the sister I never had. She's commented we're probably closer than most married couples, even though we don't sleep together.

The issue is her manager we'll call M. M hates A's living breathing guts, and for the past half-year has been doing everything she can to push A out of the company. Sparing you the sordid details (mostly), things finally came to a head last thursday, and A put in her 2 weeks notice. Considering how vindictive M is (which I've also experienced personally), I warned A that M isn't likely to stop her vindictive behaviour.

Damn I hate being right.

Today A got suspended for 3 days. Her crime? She arrived 6 minutes late because buses were running behind due to heavy snow and icy roads.

When A put in her notice I also SPECIFICALLY told her if she gets any more frivolous write-ups, not only should she not sign them, she should rip up the paper and throw the remains in M's face. Instead she caved completely, even signed the damn pink slip and all.

You're probably thinking A's a complete bimbo airhead and why am I wasting my time? It's the same reason I'm not putting this in Morons in Management. This business with M is just the latest example of a pattern in A's behaviour. A's a very sweet, caring, devoted person, but she refuses to stand up for herself. M isn't the first bully to steamroll her, and she won't be the last. But somewhere deep down, A feels she deserves to be punished. She has no confidence or faith in herself, no self-esteem. It's a feeling that's been instilled in her ever since her father died when she was 9, and not at all helped by her psycho-ex-husband.

For the past 6+ months I've been trying to help her get control of her life. I've tried to get her back into studying, so her mind is occupied and not brooding. I've tried to get her into exercise. I've advised her to make an effort to get at least 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night, and eat 3 meals a day. I tried to get her to write, to help expel personal demons. She agreed with me, or seemed to. But she's followed through on exactly NONE of those things.

Mind you, A is not a weak person. When she was 13 she knocked down a grown man flat on his ass with a single sucker-punch. I sure as hell couldn't have done that at age 13. She did the same later to the aformentioned psycho-ex when he pressed his luck too far. She has the strength to fight back, but just won't use it. Unless of course someone attacks her friends, then she grows a spine. For others, but not for herself.

Well things between us came to a head last Saturday. I called her out on her self-destructive behaviour. Frankly I chewed her out something fierce. I said her constantly blaming herself for others' cruelty was, in my own words, a load of self-destructive CRAP. I asked her if she really wanted to get control of her life, and I'm pretty sure I heard a "yes" answer. So I drew a line in the sand, from there on out I expected better from her.

I showed her some simple stretching exercises, and asked her to do those first thing every morning, before breakfast. I asked her again to start a diary. Maybe with that she could see as clearly as I do the emotional up/down topsy-turvy mess that is her life. It's been 2 days, and she's already failed to keep any of the commitments she made.

I love her, I care about her, I don't want to see her get hurt. But I'm just so frustrated with her. When I heard she signed that idiot writeup after my warning, I was seething. Bullies only have as much power as we give them, and A gave it all.

I'm meeting A tomorrow, the first day of her suspension. Despite my line in the sand speech, I don't think it would be a good idea for me to push that now, as she's still upset over the suspension (Despite the fact she has nothing left to lose). Maybe I should just hang out with her, watch tv. But at the same time, I'm afraid I might be starting to lose patience with A. Both my parental units gave her great advise on fighting the suspension, but I know in my damned bleak ice-encrusted heart that she's not going to follow any of it.

So to sum it up, when A's down, I provide my not-so-big shoulders to cry on. When she reaches some semblance of recovery, I try to help her. But she won't help herself. Then something gets her upset, she reaches out to me, rinse, repeat the cycle. I just don't know how I can help her to help herself anymore. Has anyone else experienced something like this? I could really use your encouragement right now.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me rant.

[Jester]

You can be there for her. You can advise her. You can help her when she wants/needs help.

But you cannot make her do anything that she won't do. You can live her life. Only she can do that.

I hate to sound like an ass here, but it really sounds as if you are trying to control her life just as much as any of the other people in her life that you mentioned in her post.

As a friend, stop trying to make her do stuff. Being there for her is fine. Insisting that what you are telling her to do is the only right way is not. You can't make her do anything. It's her life, and she is the one that needs to take control of it.

Back off. Give her some space to do just that. Be supportive. Not demanding. That is the best thing you can do for her as a friend right now.

[Talon]

Jester, thanks for your input.

I went back over my post, and I guess it does sound like I'm trying to control her. Guess that's what happens when I post with my engines still running hot.

For the record, earlier this year A went overseas on a company assignment. She was really excited about it. Besides getting managerial experience, she wouldn't have to worry about cooking her own food. She'd have time to get back into studying, and be able to use the hotel's gym. That was her idea, not mine, but I encouraged her all the way. But she couldn't do it. She told me she was frustrated and angry at herself for not being able to follow through. I didn't make an issue of it, just tried to be there for her.

Until recently I have never once made an issue of her not following any of my advice. When my parentals heard about her quitting without a fight, my dad though she was being an idiot. That earned him the wagging finger of doom, the "watch it buster that's my friend you're dissing" look. My mom's attitude was "And you just let her quit?" I shot back "Let her, excuse me? A is a grown woman, she makes her own decisions. I don't have to like them, but I have to respect them."

Insisting that what you are telling her to do is the only right way is not.

I haven't been insisting my way is the right way. What I have been insisting, is that moping around in her apartment, brooding and crying on her off-days, and/or guzzling sleep-aids to sleep off entire days is no solution at all. She's said that just having me around comforts her, but I can't always be there. It's only last Saturday that I forced the issue.

Well I was supposed to visit her this morning, but she called and said she couldn't sleep all night. She'll call me when she wakes, but my guess is she's popped the pills and won't wake until late evening.

I'm not going to force the issue when I meet her next, now isn't the right time. But Jester you have given me something to think about. I'll definately reconsider if this whole "tough love" act is going to help at all. Thanks again.

[Jester]

I haven't been insisting my way is the right way. What I have been insisting, is that moping around in her apartment, brooding and crying on her off-days, and/or guzzling sleep-aids to sleep off entire days is no solution at all.

Please read that again. Now.....read that again.

I know this is going to sound odd, but yes, that IS you insisting that your way is the right way. I happen to AGREE with your opinion, but the only person that can stop A from moping, brooding, crying and guzzling is.....A. She may know in her head that she needs to do these things, but that doesn't mean she is going to be able to do them. Bad analogy: I have known for weeks that I really need to clean my room. It is still a pigsty. Laziness and procrastination on my part. (Probably) clinical depression on her part. I am actually dealing with something similar lately with a very old friend of mine. (Not very old in age....just known her forever.)

My point, I guess, is that you can only do and say so much, but in the end, the responsibility to actually change things falls on A. I may have sounded harsh in my post, but that is for the simple reason that I have been where you are now. And all the banging of my head against the wall, gnashing of teeth, and rending of hair changed exactly squat. People will take control of their lives if and when they are ready to. A is not ready to, for whatever reason. Sad fact is, she may never be. I hope that is not the case, but it is a possibility.

Because of all that, you may want to state your opinions to her a bit more softly, a bit gentler.

Just something you need to think about. At least, in my humble opinion.

[Geek King]

Something else to think about from A's perspective: She may be afraid of her strength, and what she can do to other people if she gets angry. It can be pretty scary to lash out and hurt someone badly, no matter how much they might deserve it.

I've been in that mind-trap before, and you do fall into a non-agressive stance, even in conversation. I got out of it through a situation of having to deal with a total assbag in a situation I couldn't get out of. Let's just say coworkers heard us shouting from inside a room built to keep out the noise of a printing press running full speed. I've been a lot better about standing up for myself since.

Not sure if it will help, but its my two bits. Maybe if I'd had a friend trying to help me out at the time, I could have come out of my shell without melting down and almost losing my job. Good Luck.

[Talon]

Whoa CS went down while I was typing. Let's try that again.

Update:

A just woke up and called me. She's fired off a complaining email to M's boss's boss, and the HR dept. HR replied that they are reviewing her case, and one of A's old managers who actually liked her also got involved. One detail that struck me as odd is HR asked A not to discuss this with anyone else. I don't know what that means, but it sounds important. But the important thing is, the cavalry's here! It's almost enough to make me smile.. very very briefly...

Thank you A, for proving me wrong. I didn't think she'd lift a finger in her defense. I suppose it would be too much if she lifted this (http://www.bluehatseo.com/images/middle_finger_flame.jpg) finger, but here's hoping :lol:

Geek King you hit the nail right on the head. I've also been down that anger-as-a-prison routine, martial arts helped me to calm the beast, as it were. I was hoping to teach A the same.

But I've decided to follow Jester's advice. I'm done being angry and disappointed at A. I tried that whole creepy Full-Metal-Jacket DI routine for a day, it just doesn't suit me. Tough as it is to just stand by A while she spirals in a self-destructive loop, it can't be tougher than what I'm asking her to do. So I'm going to tough it out. The line in the sand is hereby erased. If she asks for my advice, I'll give, but I won't be upset if she won't follow it. She understands she needs to get control of her life. How and when she accomplishes that is up to her, not me.

That said, I'm still going to call her out on some of her behaviour. She starts asking me what she did to make her ex such a bastard, I'm going to shut her down. But I don't have to be as forceful as I was on Saturday either. Thanks again Jester.

[Jester]

Thanks again Jester.

De nada, mi amigo. De nada.

[Talon]

Final Update!

It's over. A is now officially on paid "vacation" until the date of her resignation. She doesn't have to go back to work at all. The suspension is null and void, with full back pay, and as far as her record's concerned, she resigned.

As for the beyotch boss M, we can only speculate. Probably she won't suffer any repercussions now, but I suspect her career is now on the ropes. A was a much better employee than M ever was, and she was forced out for no other reason than spite. Now M's managers and HR people know about her misconduct. More damningly, M's actions have now cost the company money. In addition to the paid vacation, December is the busiest time of the year, and without A manning the phones service levels will suffer. Someone else also has to pick up A's paperwork. Congratulations M, now you'll know what it's like to be on the ropes :devil:

Chances are, A will probably feel guilty if M gets fired over this. M's a single mother with two kids from two different deadbeat dads to support. I'll just have to gently remind A that it's not her fault, M dug her own grave. She should have thought of her broodlings before trying to throw A under the bus.

A is right now enjoying a well-deserved victory rest. The letter she sent to M's boss' boss I'm going to ask her permission to post the censored version here. It contains the full litany of M's horrors. When I read it I got so pissed I needed to hit the exercise floor to work it off.

And that, as they say, is that. Now this is the part where I impart words of great comfort and wisdom for all. *clears throat*

Ding dong! The Witch is dead! The Wicked Witch is dead!

*unclears throat* :roll: