sucky in-laws?

[monolayth]

My boyfriend's family has really upset me today.

A little back story. My boyfriend was my best friend for years. I have been going to his family stuff occasionally for years as well. I have been dating him for a year on the 23rd. I live with him and I am basically the mom to his kids. Their mother is in hawaii and has no intrest in them. I take more care of them than he does.

now to the problem....


I got a phone call today from my boyfriend's mother. She called to inform me that the family's december birthday party was tonight and that she wanted me to bring the kids and some soda. (boyfriend is at work and dosen't get off for 2 more hours from now)

I wouldn't have gone except my birthday was December 3rd and I thought she wanted me there for a reason. I genreally don't like the family because I get treated like a nanny reather than one of the family.

So I show up and the second I walk in she shoves me a gift card. I tell her thank you. I was the first one to arrive. After that everyone arrives.

They start the present opening by placing all the birthday people on the sofa. I get shoved in the back room because "someone need to take care of the kids" so they pass out the presents and I get nothing. then they bring out the cakes and I get none.

So I am a little upset and I try not to show it. I then get the kids ready to go immedatly after they are done eating the cake using the excuse its a school night. Everyone makes a big fuss about the kids leaving and no one says anything to me other than someone thanking me for driveing the kids over.

I cried the whole way home.

I don't think I am attending any further family functions until they get the notion that I am a nanny out of their heads.

[blas]

What you are going through is totally normal. I can honestly say, although I advertise how much I dislike children and don't want any, if I ever had a son, I'd be protective of him and probably very picky with his girlfriends. Having said that, at the same time, I have met some really evil mothers of boyfriends past and present.

I currently still haven't met my boyfriends' parents but I can't stand them both. They have their son "whipped" and they know when we spend time together, and they call him up to come help them. They aren't elderly and all 3 of his siblings live near them. He lives 30 miles away from them, but they tell HIM to come do it. His father owns a construction company, it's not like he can't fix things himself or have his other sons help. His other sons work FOR him, yet he expects my bf to help him as well, but not get paid. Whatever. His dad also shot at a dog and that really upset me. His parents are very scatterbrained and never remember birthdays or get togethers, and call my boyfriend up at the last minute. I may be stereotyping, but I'm afraid to meet them. I can tell they can't stand big city glamor girls like me.

But yes, totally normal. Mothers and girlfriends most of the time butt heads. Mothers want their sons to have a carbon copy of "mommy". Daddies want their daughters to have a man just like them. If someone comes along who differs that, it's trouble. Until they learn to accept.

[Pedersen]

Yeowch. That's some hideous behavior. I'd definitely avoid future family functions. Let the BF and the kids go without you. You'll be happier for it, definitely.

It should only take a time or two before they say *something*, at least.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Frankly, I think your boyfriend should have a chat with his family. They need to hear it from him that you are a part of his life and family and not just the babysitter. They need to know that he will stand up for you (and you need to know that, too).

[gunsage]

Hokay...hopefully I can keep this short. I haven't seen my mother for about 6 months. Why? Well, she lives in Indiana and so does my brother. I saw them for my graduation from college and even then, only for a second because my wife and I were having our anniversary around that time as well. My father lives about 15 minutes away, which is cool, because growing up (divorced my mother when I was 2) I didn't get to see him very much.

A good bulk of my wife's mother's side of the family lives about 5 minutes away and we go over to see them all the time. My little one (18 months, of the female persuasion :p ) is primarily who they want to see, not us. Now, I'm not saying we're nonexistent when we bring her around, but it's clear they want to see her and we're more of a side attraction. Ah, but here's the kicker: my mother-in-law's former husband was an abusive prick asshole alllllllllll through my wife and her sister's lives and up until about 2 years ago when he finally made the mistake of divorcing her. :cheers:

Why is that important? This means that with the exception of my wife's grandfather, it's more of a matriarchal family than anything. As a result, when my little one wants to act up and I say anything even CLOSE to "no," regardless of what's going on, it's always the same...

"Oh, Daddy~!"

I. Want. To. KILL SOMETHING when they do that. :pissed: For starters, recall that my father was virtually nonexistent while I was growing up, so I'm more adlibbing than anything AND they think it's okay to undermine me for the purposes of past experiences that were not my fault AND I'm normally a relatively passive person, so they expect me to just roll over. Worse still, my wife knows this bothers me and has agreed multiple times to back me up when they start doing this.

Unfortunately, on the last occassion that didn't happen. It went something like this...

* My little girl's running around acting the fool. She keeps playing with the SAME stuff on the SAME table that I've told her to leave alone CONSTANTLY...and each time... *
Me: "Hey! That's enough; get over here."
Chucklehead Crew: "Oh, Daddy~!"
* This happens several times. Each time I get up, often met with my youngest sister in law trying to beat me to the punch which ALSO makes me want to murder and pull her away from the general area. Finally, I've had enough. *
Me: "Okay, are you ready to go?"
Wife: "Uh, well...let's just wait until this show is over."
Me: :eek: "Uh, NO. We need to go before I get pissed and do something stupid."
Wife: "Let's just...just calm down and we'll wait until the show is over."
Me: :pissed:

Needless to say, she didn't get better. In fact, she got much MUCH worse. See, she was getting tired and of course, as she gets tired, she doesn't want to listen, but rather be as energetic as possible and moody so that she doesn't have to go to sleep, or so it seems if I'm reading her behavior correctly. :p And wouldn't you know it? Once we got her home where it was nice and quiet, BOOM! Out like a light.

Yeah...that was a nice little fight my wife and I had later. And no, it wasn't a "fight." I have better sense than to hit a woman. Besides, I have more than just strike attacks in my arsenal. :p But enough of that...the point is that the situation grew progressively worse, essentially, for three reasons...

1. The family doesn't seem to take me seriously. I don't have an inferiority complex or anything, but I HATE it when I'm legitimately trying to be serious and people want to dick around. Thus, I try not to take things too seriously.

2. My little girl was getting tired. I knew she was getting tired. My wife knew she was getting tired. I bet even certain members knew she was getting tired. However, not only am I razzed when I try to get her to calm down, but my wife doesn't support me? Nice.

3. My wife stated that she would back me up. She didn't. Nuff said.

Hopefully future gatherings will be different. If not, we're going to have to start taking seperate vehicles. I was VERY close to walking the fuck out.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Two things. You should stand up for yourself and tell them in no uncertain terms you don't care to be treated like hired help and since that's how they treat you, you'll be staying home.

Also, your boyfriend needs to be a man and stand up for you. I can't imagine any kind of man sitting there letting his lady be treated like that. He either needs to find his balls, or you need to find a man to date and not a little boy. Where was he when all this was going on?

This is just appalling.

[Der Cute]

Mono:
RK already said it...

"Oh, wow, you're inviting me to the December Family Birthday party? Wow! I'm so honored! Thanks!!" This way she'd feel hellaguilty if she shoved you in the back.

Then when she tries to put you in the back: "Oh, you want me to watch the kids? Sorry, I'm one of the birthday people! You'll have to find someone else to do that." Put it back on her plate.

And when you get home :
Grab BF.
Tell him you need to talk for the next hour, if less, great, but no more.
Turn off TV
Turn off cellphones
Turn off phones.

Sit his ass down and be firm but polite. "I'm sorry but this happened today and I want you to LISTEN first, then we can brainstorm on how to fix it" (men need to FIX not hear women vent..)
"When I was at the party today, your mother told me to go into the back and watch over the kids. This upsets me. Because she called and invited me to a party. I dressed up for A Party. I was wearing my Party Happy Face. As soon as I arrived, she handed me a card, and said 'Oh, go on to the back because the 5 million kids are waiting for you'.
This goes against my manners/upbringing and I'm not happy about her treating me as if I am a nanny. This party is not the only time she has shown this behavior. She did it on Halloween, Thanksgiving, Easter, Groundhog Day, Veterans Day, and Columbus Day.

This has got to stop. Now, I have a two pronged approach to do it. I will tell her next time we goto a party that I am there for the adult company and the party, and not for the child watching. I need YOU to back me up on this. When she turns to YOU about me, I need YOU to tell her that we are here for the party. Can you do this?"

"And if she says Awwwwww we neeed a baaaaby sitttterrrrrrr, what would you do?"

Give him 2 chances to get this together....men have hard times standing up to their moms....but tell him this too.

Good luck, and DONT BE A DOOR MAT.

Cutenoob

[Amethyst Hunter]

Daddies want their daughters to have a man just like them.

Which is pretty disturbing if you think about that one... (two words: chastity balls)

I love my dad, I really do, and I respect him for a lot of things. But there are also certain factors that make this a big reason why 1) I never ever want kids, and 2) will likely not take on a significant other. One of me is bad enough; in all honesty, if I met someone like that, I would quite literally kill them.

[monolayth]

All of the kids run around wild at these family things. I only watch my boyfriends kids. His mom has some definate opinions about how I am choosing to raise his kids. But thats just it. I am the one raising the kids. Their father isen't much help at it a lot. and their mother isen't even on this content.

She thinks that I am too strict because I monitor what they watch on tv and how long they can watch tv. A big one is they are not allowed cartoons like sponge bob. I do this because both their parents have stated they do not want their kids watching it. Their grandmother allows it when I am not around knowing full well their rules.

The oldest has some serious digestive problem sometimes and will have to sit on the tolet for an hour or more sometimes, I control this by watching what he eats. Yougert seems to reek havoc on him. what does grandma do? she loads him up on it because its good for him. She is not the one who has to comfort him when he is crying on the tolet.

She thinks I am raising them wrong because I make them clear their own dishes off the table and put away their own laundry and get themselves dressed in the morning. She states that I should be doing it because theya re 4 and 5.

I just wanna say look lady just because you did it that way does not make it right. If you want proof lets look at your boys. hmmm...one that got his first girlfriend at the age of 30 and that was his only remationship to date. one that doent think about his actions at all to the popint that he is declaring bankruptcy because he kept buying more stuff than he could afford rather than listen to people's advice. and one man who is afraid to parent jhis own children. and none of them can stand up to her. and none of them know how to clean.

They don't know how to clean because she never made them. So yeah I am raising them diffrent than how she likes it.

My boyfriend was at work when this all went down. but dont let that be an excuse. this kind of stuff happens all the time. When I told him what happened he hugged me and told me he dosent know what to do about it.

He then made the excuse that his mom is just afraid that he is going to get taken advantage of again. and that the rest of the family still sees me as the new girlfriend bacause most of our relationship we lived in florida.

my counter points to this is that i think he is taking advantage of me. everything is in my name and i am the one who takes care of the kids. hell i am only up now because i had to drive his kid to school. because he is tired because he stayed up playing WoW and watching porn. (i really feel like running upstairs and kicking him)

as for his family i see that as no excuse because i have been around for years. granted i was only a friend but i was still around.

grrrr i am so pissed off right now.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Not to be rude or dispespectful to you, please understand, but this sounds like an awful situation. You've got a weak man with an appalling family, and mom duties that should not even be placed on you. His mother has no respect for you, and he won't help you. (yes, he does know what to do. He just lacks the sack to do it.) The problem isn't your guy's mom, it's this whole situation. Can you settle for this?

As far as mothing the kids, I gather from your post (forgive me if I'm wrong here) that they are his, not yours, but the responsibilty of raising them has been dumped on you. However, since you are neither their mother nor married to their father, your hands are kind of tied. I just see you in a real bad situation here.

[Dreamstalker]

I currently still haven't met my boyfriends' parents but I can't stand them both.
I never met ADD-Boy's parents when we were still "an item" and never really wanted to. The mom sounded like a piece of work (she made him wander around Wal-Mart for an hour after having a wisdom tooth pulled while she did her shopping before she would let him fill his pain meds). Then he tells me that my mom is a lot like his (i.e. a bit crazy...er, what did you just say?! I spend time over at my mom's helping her out and watching the cat when she's away because she appreciates the help).

[CaroPhoenix]

My gut instinct is to say: RUN!!! RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!! :runaway:

Trust me, this is a bad situation. However, I'm looking at this through blood tinted glasses as I've married into this type of faily. If anyone has read either my myspace or live journal, you know of my problems with my in-laws.

Tell your BF to start standing up to his mom. Tell him that you are sick and tired of how they treat you, how he lets them treat you (because they wouldn't blatantly treat you so bad if they knew he was against it), and that if he doesn't start showing some support for you, you're going to leave him high and dry (which you can do because everything is in your name, therefore you have the upper hand).

Also, you should post at: www.motherinlawstories.com Trust me, it's saved my sanity.

[Jester]

Mothers and girlfriends most of the time butt heads.

Oddly, my mother has gotten along just fine with all of my girlfriends she has met. Ditto my stepfather. (My father died when I was 10, so naturally he never met any of my girlfriends!) It was my SISTERS that were horrible to my at-the-time fiancee (the oft-mentioned The Brit) at my little sister's wedding rehearsal dinner. Especially my older sister, The Witch. So yeah, my mom rocks. And yeah...I know how lucky I am for that. And no, I am not some whipped mama's boy....Mom made sure early on that all of us knew how to clean, do laundry, take care of our own stuff, cook, etc.

Mothers want their sons to have a carbon copy of "mommy".

Oftentimes men ARE looking for a girl "just like mom." I myself have only noticed three of my mother's traits that I tend to look for in women: intelligence, short statue (I like short women...sue me), and a minimalist approach to makeup/nail polish/jewelery. Beyond that, no, I don't see any part of Mom in any of the girls I've been interested/involved with,


Regarding your situation: You need to, as has been said by others, sit your boyfriend down and tell him, "look, I am getting treated like crap. I am either a major part of your life or I'm not. If I am, you should be upset about this treatment. If I'm not, let me know now and I'm out the door." But don't take this lying down.

By the way, the issue here is really not his mother, but him. If he stands up for you, things will change. If he doesn't, they won't. End of story.

[auntiem]

my counter points to this is that i think he is taking advantage of me. everything is in my name and i am the one who takes care of the kids. hell i am only up now because i had to drive his kid to school. because he is tired because he stayed up playing WoW and watching porn. (i really feel like running upstairs and kicking him)

grrrr i am so pissed off right now.

Oh Hell No. I'd be soo pissed!
His family is being disrespectful because your BF is being so disrespectful. You sounds like you are being a fantastic mother to his kids, and it sounds like you love them very much. They are his kids! While it is wonderful of you to be so proactive in their care, really he should be doing the lion's share of the work. Also, you mentioned that he can't clean so I'm assuming you do most or all of that too? His kids - he does their laundry, grocery shopping, driving them to school events, fix them dinner, clean their rooms, play with them. You are being generous with your time if you help them get to school or events and other child related chores only if he is working or sick If you've only been dating a year then really all you need to do is make sure they are safe in your care, play games with them and love them.'

Edit: ok obviously I don't have kids in my house, but what I meant was other than the "normal" household chores you should share (but I have a feeling he doesn't help with those either) that all specifically child related chores he should do unless he is physically unable to do so (sick or work). Not being able to stop playing Wow to get the kid a snack doesn't cut it.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Let me get this straight: you're working as a live in baby sitting service with no pay, no thanks, and not even any kind of respect, for a boy (yes) who can't parent his own kids because he's too busy playing games and jerking off?

Are you getting anything good out of this arrangement?

If I accurately described your situation, then it will not be fixed. Leave it or get used to it. Your guy is useless and used to the women in his life allowing him to be so. He does what he wants and lets you all take care of everything else. Why should he change that?

[Dreamstalker]

My instinct says run away as well. He may not want to shape up for the long haul.

I'd go so far as to suggest placing some sort of software restriction on the computer (to limit the WoW playing), but if he's as obsessed with it as it seems that may get ugly. Or find a porn filter to block that crap...see if the ISP has some sort of parental controls on their end (stronger, harder to break through unless you really know what you're doing). Say the blocks will remain until he wises up. That's the computer geek in me talking though, and may not be realistic (or desirable) solutions.

ADD-Boy was being lazy, expecting me to support (directly or indirectly) every stupid excuse to continue doing nothing useful...I cannot stand people like that.

[monolayth]

thank you all for your support.

the second I got off the computer I went and woke him up and had a very long talk with him about this whole situation.

Basically was told to shape up or get out. so far today he is shaping up. hopefully it will last or he is getting sent to his mommy.

[Binky]

monolayth you go girl!

Good luck whipping him into shape!